


Whatever Doesn't Kill Us

by invalid_reality



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-16
Updated: 2012-09-09
Packaged: 2017-11-12 06:49:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 135,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/487929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invalid_reality/pseuds/invalid_reality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faith returns to Sunnydale shortly after Buffy's death and she finds her place with the Scooby gang, unprepared for Buffy's resurrection and the many events that unfold afterwards...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a season six rewrite written entirely in Faith's POV. It's since turned into something completely different with many twists and turns and plenty more to come

** Chapter One **

 

“Prisoner 430019, you got a visitor!” The guard shouts into my cell, banging his baton on the bars as he tries to get my attention. “Hey, did you hear me?”

“I heard you,” I mutter under my breath and jump off the top bunk.

I stand with my hands behind my back as the guard opens the cell door. I don’t say a word and look down at the ground in front of me as I follow him through the cell block, ignoring the cat calls and threats coming from every cell that I pass by. It’s Wednesday and it’s early, far earlier than any visitors I’ve gotten in the year that I’ve been locked up. And I’m exhausted, having been kept awake by nightmares all night long, nightmares of the past and nightmares only my fucked up subconscious can come up with.

The visitor’s area is empty and the guard points to the cubicle down at the very end. I nod and walk down there, surprised to see Angel on the other side of the glass. I raise an eyebrow as I take a seat and pick up the phone.

“Hey, Angel. Kind of early for you to be here, isn’t it?”

“I have some news.”

“Good news?” I ask and he shakes his head no. “Figured as much. What’s going on? New Big Bad or something? Need me to bust outta here and fight the good fight with your crew in LA?”

“Buffy’s dead.”

I feel the colour drain from my face even though I had that sinking gut feeling since last night that something had happened to her. Blame the nightmares and the shared slayer dreams we’ve randomly had since I’d been Called. Last night, the nightmares had felt far too real and the first one I woke up from, it felt like someone had ripped a part of my soul out of me. That first one was the worst too and that was the one that I saw Buffy dead on the ground the split second before I woke up.

Angel looks like he’s been through hell and back. I notice it now. I’ve never seen him look so rough before, so…lost. I know what Buffy meant to him, she was his world even if he couldn’t have her. There’d been a few visits where I had to listen to Angel talk about Buffy, sometimes he did it without realizing it and always apologized for bringing her up the way he did. I never cared though. I know how much he loves her and it shows whenever he says her name. I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling right now.

“I--I don’t know what to say,” I whisper into the phone.

“Sunnydale needs you now,” he says as he stares through the glass right at me. “Sunnydale needs a strong slayer and you’re the only one left, Faith.”

“In case you’ve forgotten, I’m stuck in here for twenty-five to life and there’s fuck all I can do about that.”

“I’m working on it,” Angel says softly and I raise an eyebrow at that. “I’ve got you a good lawyer, Faith. He’ll get you a fair trial and make the Judge realize there just wasn’t enough evidence to charge you with both of those murders.”

“But I _confessed_ ,” I hiss into the phone and I lean back in the plastic orange chair to make sure none of the guards are eavesdropping. “Was all they needed to lock me up and throw away the key.”

“Faith, you can’t save the world locked up in prison and Sunnydale needs a slayer now more than ever. Once word gets out that Buffy is gone--”

“This lawyer,” I cut him off and he sighs heavily into the phone. “Where’d you find him?”

“Wolfram and Hart.”

I laugh hard. This is priceless. The evil law firm that’s out to kill Angel is gonna help him get me outta prison? Now that’s a laugh riot.

“There is another option,” Angel says and I stop laughing and stare at him. “It’s not an easy one, but it doesn’t involve waiting for the case to move through the system and get to court.”

“I’m all ears, big guy.”

Angel very quietly explains the other option of getting me out of jail, sooner rather than later. He wants me to break outta here and before I do, he’s going to get that same lawyer he got for me to hack into the prison records and clear my file, essentially wiping my slate clean. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, not so sure if that’s something I’m willing to risk. I’m trying to do good, find my path on the road to redemption. Can’t help but feel that breaking outta prison is the complete opposite of what I should be doing. It’s wrong and I can see Angel knows it too, but there’s a sense of desperation in him that I can’t ignore.

I don’t have much time left with him and I can already hear the guard making his way down to the cubicle to tell me that time is up. I don’t want to have to make a decision now and I tell him I’ll let him know what I’ve decided by the end of the week. I hang up the phone before the guard reaches the cubicle and I motion to Angel that I’ll give him a call when I make my decision.

“Back to your cell,” the guard grunts and I place my hands behind my back.

My mind is full of thoughts of what choice to make the whole walk back to my cell. I don’t even hear the cat calls and the threats that are being yelled out at me as I walk past this time. The guard slams my cell door shut behind me as soon as I step inside.

Brenda, one of the older women that is serving three life sentences is in my cell waiting for me. I look back at the guard and he’s sneering at me as he casually walks away. I turn to look Brenda in the eyes and she’s stark-raving mad like the lunatic she is. I know what she’s doing in here. She’s trying to prove herself after our little scuffle out in the yard the other day. I took her down without even breaking a sweat when she charged at me and she probably thinks that now she has me trapped she’ll get the upper hand.

“Bitch, you got any last words?”

“How about a couple first words?” I snap at her as I clench my fists at my side. “Go fuck yourself.”

“You’re dead, Lehane.”

I see the shank in her hand, barely concealed under the sleeve of her blue shirt. I can feel my heart racing at the anticipation of the fight, just like it used to whenever I came across a vamp or a demon and knew I’d be the only one walking away in the end. I duck as she lunges forward and I sweep my leg around, forcing her to fall to the hard, cement floor. I move quickly to grab her left wrist and pull the shank out of her hand and toss it out of the cell.

“Ever hear of fighting fair, Butch?” I ask her and I see her breathing red when I call her the nickname some of the others have given to her behind her back.

“Life ain’t fair,” she chuckles as she pulls her hand free from my grasp and throws a hard punch to the side of my head.

She tries to punch me again, but I see it coming and duck out of the way. There’s no way in hell I’m letting this crazy lunatic try beat my ass in my cell while the guard stands a few feet away just out of sight. Then again, I know if I fight back, I’ll be in solitary for weeks and the chance of me getting out of here will be harder than ever. I give a little tap to the cheek just to egg her on and she’s practically breathing fire as she charges at me again.

I close my eyes as she takes me down, pushing my face into the cold, hard floor. I hear the other guards’ voices as they scramble to open the cell door and get Brenda off my back. She raining hard punches to the back of my head and I feel the edges of darkness pulling at me, drawing me in until everything fades away.

****

The steady beep of the heart machine is what I wake up to. I open my eyes and the lights in the room are so bright I feel blinded at first. I take in a few deep breaths and let my eyes adjust. I’m in the hospital infirmary and the beds next to me are empty. My left wrist is cuffed to the bed and I groan softly as I reach up to touch the bump on the back of my head with my free hand.

“Welcome back, Faith,” Eddie, the only guard in this place who seems to give a shit about me, says with a smile as he approaches my bed. “How you feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a truck named Butch,” I chuckle softly. “How long have I been out for the count?”

“A day,” he replies and he pulls up a chair and sits next to me. “I just started my shift when I saw what was going down. How come you never fight back?”

“Just don’t,” I shrug and I try to sit up, wincing as the room starts to spin. “Not worth it.”

Eddie just nods and smiles sadly. He knows what it’s like in here. He sees it day in and day out and can’t do a damn thing to stop most of what goes on between the inmates. If it wasn’t for Eddie, I probably wouldn’t have been put in a cell by myself just to keep the other crazies off my back while I sleep at night.

“Brenda is being transferred to another block,” he says to me and he reaches for the styrofoam cup of water that’s next to the bed and hands it to me. “You won’t need to worry about her anymore. And Declan, the guard that let it all go down, he’s been let go.”

“Wicked.”

“I gotta go, my shift is about to start,” Eddie says as he gets up from the chair and pushes it back against the wall. “Doc says you’ll be out by tonight if you’re feeling up to it.”

“Hey, one upside of being in here is the beds are comfortable and it’s quiet,” I chuckle and he gives me a little wink before he heads for the main door. “Hey, Eddie?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for giving a shit,” I say and he smiles at me before he walks out of the infirmary.

I sigh as I stretch out on the bed, every bone in my body cracking as I do. I try to get some more sleep, feeling the lingering effects of whatever pain medication the doctors in here were allowed to give me. I drift in and out of sleep for a couple of hours before one of the doctors comes to check on me. After a quick assessment, she tells me I’m fine enough to go back to my cell and tells me to make arrangements for a follow up in a couple of days. I have to wait for a guard to come down to the infirmary to escort me back to my cell and I wait in one of the chairs by the door, handcuffed to the railing on the wall.

I kept hoping that maybe it’d be Eddie who would come to get me to take me back to my cell, but instead it was a guard I’d never seen before. He knelt on the ground next to me and un-cuffed me from the railing. Something felt a little off about this guy, but I tried to shrug it off as I stood up from the chair slowly and cautiously. He doesn’t say a word to me as he leads the way out of the infirmary and down one of the many maze-like corridors through the prison. He makes a left when I know we should’ve been going straight and he leads me right into a storage closet.

“What the _hell_ is going on?” I ask angrily as he checks the corridor both ways before he shuts the door.

“Name’s Gunn,” he says quickly and he grabs a plastic bag off the floor and hands it to me. “Hurry up and change.”

“What?”

“Angel sent me for you, Faith. The lawyer he got that promised to help out bailed on us. I’ll explain everything as soon as we’re outta here. Now hurry up and change. We don’t have much time.”

I open the plastic bag and inside is a standard issue prison guard uniform and a wig. I laugh and give him a look like he’s crazy if he thinks this’ll work. He taps the watch on his wrist and I sigh heavily, deciding to go out on a limb and trust this guy. I strip out of my clothes and change into the guard’s uniform. The wig is blonde and definitely not my style, but I put it on and tuck my hair under it the best I can. Gunn hands me a swipe card that all the guards have to get through each of the gates that cut off the prison from each ward and the outside world. I clip it to the belt and put my hands on my hips.

“What’s the game plan here, Gunn?”

“Just getting through this place without being detected. Come on, I know the shortest route outta here. I got a car waiting outside.”

I take a few deep breaths and follow him out of the storage closet. I keep my head low when we pass by a few guards, but they’re too busy talking to one another they hardly even notice us as we walk past. My heart is racing so god damn fast it feels like it’s about to leap out of my chest. I try to stay calm and try not to freak out and bail.

I know that it’ll take us a good ten minutes to make it through the maze of corridors to the door that will lead us outside and to freedom. I grab on to Gunn’s arm when he makes a turn and heads for the stairwell. He tells me to trust him and I shrug, deciding I have nothing left to lose at this point. He leads the way down the stairs quickly, down to the basement. It’s cold, damp and eerily quiet aside from the few pipes that have water slowly dripping from them. Gunn pulls out a flashlight from his pocket and flips it on when we reach hole dug into the ground.

“You’re joking,” I laugh as I look down the hole and from the stench coming up from it, I can tell that it leads right into the sewers.

“Come on,” Gunn urges and he slips down the hole and shines the light up at me. “We gotta move, Faith!”

I pull off the wig and drop it to the ground. I jump down the hole and land on the ground below a little harder than I expected to. Gunn is already making his way through the dark tunnel and I jog to catch up with him. The stench is overwhelming, but it kind of reminds me of the days I spent in Sunnydale going through the sewers during the day looking for nests. Gunn keeps up the pace and stops when we reach a fork in the tunnel.

“Here,” he says as he grabs a bag stashed up in the pipes overhead. “Brought you a change of clothes for when we get outta here.”

I sling the bag over my shoulder and follow him down the left tunnel. I don’t know how long we walked for, but it felt like forever. The only sounds were the echoes our footsteps made in the thankfully dry as a bone sewer. The further away we get from the prison, the less my heart races wildly out of control. I start to calm down, but I know we’re not out of the woods yet. Still got a long way to go before I’m essentially free of the place I should’ve spent the rest of my natural life in. A small voice inside my head keeps urging me to go back, telling me I’m making one of the biggest mistakes of my life breaking out of prison like this. It’s a voice I’ve always ignored my whole life and I figured what’s once more.

I want to kick Angel’s ass for getting this guy Gunn to break me out of prison before I even made my choice. Guess I don’t have a choice anymore now that the lawyer Angel had found bailed on us. Still, not gonna stop me from kicking Angel’s ass a little bit for springing this on me without some kind of warning first that it’d be going down like this. In my head, the fantasy of breaking out of prison was much more elaborate and exciting, complete with dodging bullets and a wild car chase.

Can’t say in the year I’ve been locked up that I didn’t have those little fantasies of breaking out. Doing time and sitting in a cell for twenty-three hours a day gives you nothing but time alone with your thoughts. A pretty dangerous thing if you’re someone like me. Gotta thank Angel though for all the times he’s come to visit and talked to me about learning how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know where I’d be without him now. He’s a better shrink than the one the prison issued me. At least Angel listened to me; the prison shrink was just doing his job and didn’t give a shit about what I was really feeling or thinking.

After what seems like forever, Gunn stops and grabs another bag out of the pipes overhead. He pulls out two bottles of water and hands me one, which I barely thank him for before I chug it down as if I’d been walking in a desert for days and was completely dying of thirst. I lean against the sewer wall and close my eyes, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in the back of my head now that the painkillers have completely worn off.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” I ask him.

“Just focused on doing what Angel asked me to do and that’s getting you outta here in one piece.”

“I’m a slayer. I can handle myself.”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”

Gunn flashes me a smile and starts walking again. I sigh and push off the wall and follow him, shifting the bag from one shoulder to the other. It isn’t much longer until I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My heart starts to race again since I know being out in the open is gonna expose us and be easier for the law to track me down and haul my ass back to prison where I belong.

We both change into street clothes and I’m a bit surprised that these are my old clothes. They’re a little snug, but I put them on anyway. Being in prison with three solid meals a day has put on a bit of extra pounds on my body, which I’m not about to complain about since my whole life I never had three solid meals in one day even if the quality of the prison food was a little shifty. I keep the guard’s boots on since there was no change of shoes in the bag for me. I don’t mind though, they feel comfortable despite being almost a size too big for me.

Gunn grabs the prison uniforms and we make our way out of the sewer. There’s a bit of a chill in the air, but the air is fresh and a huge relief from the stench inside the sewer. I light up a cigarette and toss the lighter to Gunn and he sets the prison uniforms on fire. We both watch as they burn, black smoke curling up into the sky.

“Nasty habit, you know,” Gunn says as he watches me smoke my cigarette. “Something you pick up on the inside?”

“Passes the time.”

“It’ll kill you.”

“Betcha something else will before the big C does,” I reply dryly and Gunn laughs. This guy isn’t too bad, just don’t get why he’s hanging around Angel and the LA crew. I know he’s a part of the crew in LA, I heard Angel mention him a couple of times. “Where’s this car that’s supposed to be waiting for us?”

“Parked it a few miles that way,” he replies as he points to where the sun is just starting to set beyond the trees. “Gotta get a move on if you expect me to find it in the dark.”

“And after we find the car? Where we headed, LA?”

“Nah, there’s this safe house outside the city. Angel hooked you up. Said to keep you there ‘til he figures out how to clear your name so you aren’t a wanted fugitive.”

“And how you feel running with a wanted fugitive, Gunn?”

“When it’s one as gorgeous as you, I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever comes my way,” Gunn says with a smile that lights up in his eyes.

I roll my eyes and I knew I should’ve seen it the minute we started talking once we reached the end of the tunnel. It’s not that I’m not interested in the guy; he’s cute in a desperate sort of way. But I promised myself about a month after I was put in prison that when I got out, I wasn’t gonna be the same old Faith. I punch him in the arm and flick my cigarette into the ashes on the ground. We take turns stomping on the embers that are left from the prison guard clothes, making sure it’s out before we leave.

I let Gunn lead the way through the woods as the sky grows dark. I keep looking back, expecting maybe twenty or thirty prison guards behind us chasing us down every time I hear a twig snap in the distance. But there are never any guards behind us every time I look and yet it doesn’t make me breathe any easier. It’s nearly pitch black by the time Gunn finds the car. He has it hidden under branches and he tosses the flashlight to me while he works on getting it uncovered.

Once we’re in the car, getting it to start becomes another matter. I just light another cigarette and wait as he revs the engine, hitting the steering wheel every time it roars to life and sputters and dies a second later.

“Great get-away car, Gunn. Remind me next time I break outta prison to find someone with a better car than this piece of shit”

“Shh,” he hisses and he strokes the dashboard. “She didn’t mean it,” he says to the car. “Come on, baby, start.”

I roll my eyes and lean back in the front seat, propping my feet up on the dashboard and flick the ash out the crack in the window. After a few more tries, the engine roars to life. Gunn lets out a whooping laugh as he backs up and turns the car around. We’re not exactly on a road, a trail maybe and the ride is far from smooth. Gunn cranks the radio though as soon as we’re on the open road and I roll down the window, flick my cigarette out and watch the embers explode in the mirror as it hits the road behind us.

Wherever we’re headed, I know it’s gonna be a long drive. My stomach growls loudly, reminding me that I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Gunn reaches blindly into the back seat and pulls out a bag of Doritos. I give him a look but take the offering, savouring each bite since eating nothing but prison food for a year really fucked with my taste buds. I need some real food and soon and I’m pretty sure Gunn is thinking the same thing since I hear his stomach growl even over the music. We’re on the road for an hour before he pulls up next to a gate, overgrown with weeds and vines.

“Where are we?” I ask him as we both get out of the car. “This the safe house?”

“Should be, yeah. Just gotta get past this gate,” he replies and he tries to open the gate, the metal creaking but not budging an inch.

I sigh and I push him aside and pull at the gate, feeling the metal creak and groan until it gives way and opens. I grin at him in a smart assed way and he just runs back to the car and hops in. I hope into the passenger side and crank up the music as he pulls in the private driveway. About five minutes off the road I spot a small cabin nestled in between a row of trees. It’s not big, barely bigger than a shack, but it still looks better than my prison cell. All I gotta hope for is hot running water and I’ll be happy.

“Angel said to sit tight. He’ll be around later tonight,” Gunn says as he stops the car just a few feet in front of the cabin. “You feeling all right, Faith?”

“Tense,” I reply with a shrug and open the car door. “You staying or you going?”

“I gotta get back to LA.”

“Thanks for what you did today,” I say to him with a smile and he shrugs it off as if it’s nothing.

“The least I can do to keep the Hellmouth in Sunnydale safe,” he replies and smiles at me as I get out of the car. He pops the trunk and leans out the window. “Got you a few supplies in the back to tie you over ‘til Angel gets here later.”

I walk around to the back and pull out the cardboard box sitting in the trunk. Inside is a few cans of soup, a few cans of beer, matches, and a half dozen bottles of water. He tosses me a key for the padlock on the door and says his goodbyes before he backs up and heads down the driveway, leaving me alone in the darkness.

There isn’t much to the place and it’s not long before I find there’s no electricity, no running water and the only source of heat seems to be the wood stove. It really could be worse. Like still stuck in prison worse with Butch’s buddies trying to kill me.

I’m feeling on edge and keep expecting the cops to come crashing through the door at any second. I got a feeling that’s not gonna go away, not even if Angel somehow magically managed to make my record disappear. I get the wood stove burning with the small stash of dry firewood I find out at the side of the cabin. I no longer feel as hungry as I was in the car and I lie on the cot and place my hands behind my head and try to relax. I watch the shadows from the burning wood flicker across the ceiling and for the first time I feel the tears in my eyes start to fall.

These are the tears that wanted to fall when Angel told me Buffy is gone. These are the tears that have been waiting for what feels like an eternity to fall.

Angel told me once to never let the past define who you are, but to let it be a part of who you will become. Who I’ll become from this day forward, I have no idea, and I’m scared as hell to find out just what the future holds for me.

Especially now that the world only has one Slayer. Me.


	2. Chapter Two

** Chapter Two **

 

It’s been three days since Gunn busted me out of jail and I still feel on edge. At least now I’m not stuck in some creepy cabin in the middle of nowhere. I’m staying with Angel and his crew at the Hyperion Hotel down in LA, laying low while Angel waits for Giles to come pay us a visit.

It’s just after sunset and I head down from my room in search of Angel. I haven’t seen much of him since he showed up at the cabin and explained everything to me a few nights ago. Turns out, he had the whole “break Faith outta prison” plan cooked up for a little while, just in case things took a turn for the worse out here in the real world. Soon as we were back in LA, Angel made a call to Giles and explained everything to him. Took him a bit to convince Giles I didn’t brainwash him and his crew into busting me out of jail. Can’t blame him though. Giles always seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders; always going on gut instinct when it comes to people he just can’t trust.

The crew here in LA is pretty decent too and I wouldn’t mind sticking around for a little while. Gunn is great and he can be a good, strong fighter when someone lights a fire under his ass. Cordy is here of course, bitchier than I remember her being. She keeps to herself mostly, and when we do end up in the same room, she barely says a word to me. I’m all right with that. Never liked her much to begin with, but I figure if she’s here fighting the good fight with Angel, she has to be okay.

Wesley is here too, which made me wicked leery at first about being around him, especially considering the last time I saw him I was torturing the poor guy. He’s different now too; stronger, darker, rough around the edges, and definitely less of the pansy-ass wuss he used to be back in Sunnydale. I know he can’t trust me and he keeps watching his back whenever I’m around. Can’t blame him though, just like I can’t blame anyone for not being able to trust me.

There’s Lorne and who can’t love this demon? First night I showed up at the hotel, he’s there with a fruity cocktail, wanting to make friends. I don’t know much about him, but he’s pretty decent for a demon. I refuse to let him hear me sing. I don’t want to know what my future holds before it happens. Truth it, I’m terrified of knowing what the future holds for me.

And then there’s Fred, the girl they rescued from Pylea just before Buffy’s death. She hasn’t come out of her room since and from the stories Gunn has told me, I can’t blame her for taking sanctuary in her room. The more Gunn talks about her though, the more I get the feeling he’s sweet on her. But it’s ‘cause of Fred and the fact she’s a complete wiz when it comes to hacking that I no longer have a record. It’s ‘cause of her my slate has been wiped clean. Just wish she’d venture out of her room long enough to give me the chance to thank her for doing what she’s done for me.

 I don’t find Angel down in the lobby as I expected to. Cordy tells me he’s still up in his room without even glancing up from behind the desk where she’s ever so slowly filing away her nails. I roll my eyes and head back up the stairs and down the hallway towards Angel’s room.

“Hey, big guy, what’s going on?” I ask him as I stand in the doorway to his room. He’s packing, something I didn’t expect to see at all. “Angel?”

“Faith,” he sighs as he turns to look at me. “I can’t stay here.”

“What’s going on?”

“I have to get out of here for a while,” he says and I can hear how heartbroken he is. It’s just progressively gotten worse since he came to see me the day after Buffy died. “I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t know when I’ll be back. Giles is coming for you. He’s aware of the situation and knows the best thing right now is for you to be in Sunnydale.”

“But--”

“Everything will be fine, Faith. Wesley is here. He’ll talk to Giles on my behalf.”

“Fuck that!” I say as I storm into his room and stop him from packing what’s left of his clothes. “What the hell, Angel? You bust me out and just what, pawn me off first chance you get?”

“You understand why I can’t stay here, don’t you?”

“Because of Bu--”

“I need time,” he cuts me off before I can even say her name. “I just need some time. I want to be here for you, Faith. I want to help you find your way, but right now I can’t and Giles agreed to give you a second chance and bring you back to Sunnydale where you are needed.”

I cross my arms over my chest and he frowns. He’s being all broody, more so than what’s normal for him, but I can’t blame him though. The love of his life is dead and gone and he probably feels like a piece of his soul is missing. I feel like there’s a piece of my soul missing too, but I hardly think it’s the same as he’s feeling right now.

“I’m stopping by in Sunnydale tomorrow night. She’s being put to rest tomorrow morning. I need to say goodbye one last time before I leave. Giles should be here in a day or two.”

I nod my head, not knowing what to say. I know no matter what I say or don’t say, it’ll come out wrong and probably push him over the edge of whatever is left of his sanity right now.

“Stay safe, Faith,” he says as he walks over to me and wraps his arms around me in a tight hug. “Don’t make me come back here because you’ve gotten yourself in a mess you can’t dig yourself out of.”

“Don’t worry about me,” I say with a smile as I back away from him. “I’ll be fine. Just promise me one thing, all right?”

“What’s that?”

“Take care of yourself wherever you go and try to drop me a line every once in a while, catch me up on things and whatever.”

Angel cracks a small smile and hugs me once more before he ushers me out of his room and shuts the door quickly behind me. I head back downstairs to the lobby, not surprised to find the whole crew--minus Fred--down there. Cordy is on the phone, Wes is checking out the weapons in the display case with Gunn and Lorne is on the couch with a drink in one hand and the evening paper in the other.

It was Angel’s decision for me not to go on patrol with the others, just to play it safe in case Fred’s hacking of my records didn’t quite work as well as it seemed. I’m itching to get out there, the slayer inside of me tells me that the night is my time and I have to keep denying it. Being locked up for a year and unable to slay really has grated my nerves. I just need a bit of release, is all, but I’m gonna play the role of the good Slayer for once and stay under the radar until I get to Sunnydale.

“You coming with us tonight?” Gunn asks as he chooses a small broadsword from the case.

“Can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Little of both. You know why I can’t come with you guys, Gunn,” I say, sighing heavily as Wes gives me a surprised look. “Unless you _need_ me out there tonight.”

“We can manage,” Wes says and he walks over to me and motions for me to step aside with him. “Faith, I must say I admire your strength right now. I chose not to believe Angel when he would tell me how much you’ve changed since you’ve been in prison. I do hope this is real and not some façade that’ll fade away as soon as you get too comfortable here.”

“Don’t worry, Wes, this is not a façade or anything. What you see is what you get.”

“I know that all too well from the last time,” he grimaces and I look at the floor by my feet, knowing the right thing to do would be to apologize to him about the things I did to him. “Keep an eye on Fred while we’re gone?”

“I’ll stand guard outside her room in case she decides tonight of all nights to come out.”

Wesley chuckled and chose his weapon for patrol; a similar broadsword like the one Gunn was now trying to fit into a well-worn leather bag. Everyone in the lobby stopped what they were doing when Angel descended down the stairs carrying two large bags. I lowered my eyes back to the floor when he reached the front door and dropped his bags to the ground.

“You’re leaving? Now?” Cordy asks loudly, breaking the heavy silence in the lobby. Her heels click-clack loudly against the floor as she runs over to him. “You can’t leave now, Angel!”

“I have to,” he says softly and I can tell from where I’m standing that Cordy is crying.

“What are we going to do with _her_?”

“Giles will be here in a few days to bring her back to Sunnydale. I need you and the others to look out for her until then,” Angel replies and he hugs her tightly before he walks over to Wes and whispers something to him that makes him nod his head sadly. “I’ll call and check in, if there are even phones where I am going. Take care of yourself, Wes, and look out for the others while I’m gone.”

I watch Angel as he walks back over to where his bags are and picks them up. He doesn’t turn around to look at any of us as he leaves. I don’t know if the others even realize how goddamn heartbroken he is right now. Even if they do know, I doubt they know what it’s like to feel it on the level Angel is feeling it right now. I still want to tell him I feel a piece of me is gone too, that I’ve felt it since the night Buffy died, only piecing it together when he told me the next morning she was gone.

There’s this solemn feel once Angel is gone. Cordy goes back behind the desk and picks up her nail file, fighting back the tears as she goes back to filing her nails and waiting for the phone to ring. Lorne is passed out on the couch now, his glass nearly empty and soft snores escaping past his lips with every other breath. Gunn and Wes are packing up a few more weapons before they slip out the front door into the night without a word.

I head for the kitchen to make myself a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to take back up to my room with me. There’s also a few beers stashed in the fridge and I take them with me. The room Angel put me in is pretty decent. The walls are burgundy, the furniture black and the bedspread matches the walls. It’s not big, but it’s a helluva lot better than my old digs, prison and otherwise. There’s even a small TV sitting on top of the dresser and I flip it on and flop down on the bed.

I flip through the channels and stop when I find the news on one of them. It’s the usual news stories filled with loads of crime, murders, and other depressing shit that makes me remember why I hated this world so much in the first place. I crack open the first can of beer and flip through the channels again, trying to find something not so fucking depressing to watch.

I have a feeling that the next couple of days before Giles shows up is going to be a long, boring couple of days. Gives me plenty of time to figure out how I’m gonna deal with being back in Sunnydale around the Scooby gang again. They’ll probably want me gone, that’s a given. They don’t trust me and I can’t blame them after everything I did to them and to Buffy. Earning their trust back is gonna be hard, but I’m determined to do it for the greater good. First things first though, earning Giles’ trust is at the top of the list of priorities. I just gotta take Angel’s advice and not expect too much too soon.

****

It’s late in the afternoon on Thursday when Giles finally shows up at the Hyperion. He looks worse for the wear and in desperate need of a shave. His eyes are red, probably from all the crying he’s been doing in the last week. I stay up on the balcony, hidden in the shadows as I watch him and Wes talk quietly down in the lobby below.

I’m already packed up and ready to go. Thanks to the generosity of Angel and Gunn, I got to go shopping for some new clothes. It isn’t much, but it’s enough and more than what I’m used to having. Wes even went as far as giving me two short broadswords, hardly longer than a foot each. But they’re sharp and light and I nearly hugged him when he gave them to me last night to take with me to Sunnydale. He chalked it up to not wanting me to arrive in Sunnydale without a couple decent weapons to use when the time comes.

After seeing Wes the last couple of days and the way he is now, I kinda wish he was like that back in Sunnydale when he first got there instead of the pansy-ass Watcher he appeared to be. Maybe things would’ve gone a lot different, maybe not. I gotta keep reminding myself not to think of the past, but of the present and how the choices I make today will help shape the future ahead of me.

“Faith?” Wes calls up and I groan softly, knowing I can’t hide away in the shadows up here any longer. “Are you coming down?”

“Yeah,” I mutter just loud enough for him to hear and I head down the stairs slowly, not looking at Giles until I’m standing a few feet away from him. “Hey, G.”

“Faith,” he nods and I can see the sadness in his eyes, like he too is missing a piece of his soul. “If you’re ready, I’d like to head back to Sunnydale soon. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us.”

I point to where my bags are by the front door. Gunn leaps up from where he’s been sitting on the couch to grab them before I get the chance to. I smile at him and he heads out the front door to load my bags up in Giles’ car.

“Have you eaten?” Giles asks me and I shake my head no. “We’ll stop on our way,” he says and he looks over at Wesley. “I’ll be in touch.”

I follow Giles outside after I say my quick goodbyes to Wesley, Lorne, and Cordy. I have a lingering feeling I’ll be seeing them again, sooner rather than later. Giles gets in the passenger side of a sporty red car. I raise my eyes in mild surprise that he’d even have a car like that. I expected his old hunk of junk he was driving the last time I was in Sunnydale. I want to joke about him having a midlife crisis, but now definitely isn’t the time to be making jokes when I’m trying to get on his good side again and earn his trust back.

Gunn pulls me in for a hug before I can open the car door. “I’ll miss you, Faith,” he whispers and I laugh and hug him tightly. “Come back and see us sometime.”

“I will, don’t worry. Maybe you could come to Sunnydale, help us fight the good fight if we find ourselves in the middle of an apocalypse and need an extra hand or two.”

“Sure,” he smiles as he backs away and I hop in the car and shut the door quickly.

Giles is quiet as he drives through the busy streets of LA. I just stare out the window and try not to think about the last time I saw him. Shit had gone down in Sunnydale and I was in Buffy’s body. It wasn’t pretty and I feel horrible about what happened. I woke up with revenge on my mind. It was a hard thing to shake and I don’t think it really sunk in that the world had gone and changed on me while I was in that coma until I was on the train headed for LA.

There’ll be plenty of time for apologies once we’re back in Sunnydale. Giles just buried his slayer, the daughter he never had, and the last thing I want to do is make him more upset than he already is. Once he’s on the highway, he turns on the radio and cranks it full blast. I laugh and lean back in the seat, closing my eyes as I let the feel of the road under the car lull me into a light sleep.

“Faith?” Giles says loudly, waking me up after god knows how long I’d been sleeping. “We’re going to grab a bite to eat before we make the rest of the trip. I have a quick phone call to make before we continue.”

“Sure,” I sigh and yawn as I stretch out in the car seat slowly. “How much further we got to go?”

“Another two hours, give or take.”

“Cool,” I say with a forced smile and get out of the car. I stretch again and watch as Giles makes his way over to the payphones along the wall by the small diner he’s found.

I recognize this place. I’d stopped her on my way to Sunnydale a few years ago while I was running from Kakistos. I’d hitched a ride from here to Sunnydale with a group of college kids coming back from a weekend trip to LA. I can’t believe how long it’s been and how many fucked up mistakes I’ve made along the way. Like I promised myself in prison, I wasn’t going to go down that road in life any longer. I’m more than determined to change, to become a better person, and to make amends with those I hurt the most in the past.

I just wish that Angel didn’t have to take off to god knows where for god knows how long. I need him around more than ever. I need him to remind me to stay calm when my emotions get to the better of me. I need him to remind me that I’m not who I used to be a year ago and that I’m strong, emotionally and physically. The only thing I can do now that he’s no longer just a phone call or a visit away, is to remember all the things he’s told me and taught me in the last year. The main thing I gotta remember is that the road to redemption doesn’t come easy or quickly for that matter.

After Giles is finished making his phone call, we head inside the diner and order burgers, french-fries and Cokes. Giles barely touches his food even though I can bet anything he hasn’t eaten much in the last week. We don’t talk and we barely make eye-contact the entire half-hour we’re inside the roadside diner. I’m starving and it shows. Once I’ve polished off my plate, Giles slides his across the table and motions for me to finish his untouched burger.

“The others don’t know that you’re coming back with me,” he says quietly and I nearly choke on the last bite of my burger. “I wasn’t sure what to tell them and I prefer that they don’t know you’re back for a little while.”

“It’s cool, G. I get it. I’ll make myself practically invisible until you let them know I’m back in town.”

“Good,” he sighs and he sips his Coke slowly. “Did Angel tell you of the living arrangements?”

“No, left out quite a bit of the important details. Told me you’d catch me up on what’s the what.”

“You’ll be staying with me until we can arrange other suitable living arrangements. I unfortunately do not have a spare bed.”

“The couch will be fine, Giles,” I say with a small smile. “I appreciate you giving me this chance.”

“I do not have much of a choice in the matter, do I, Faith? The Hellmouth is without a Slayer and you are the only one left now. It’s the right thing to do, to have the Slayer where she is needed. Past grievances aside, I’m positive after a while, things will become somewhat normal again for all of us.”

“Or at least as normal as normal gets for us,” I reply with a laugh and it draws out the first smile I’ve seen from him since he showed up in LA this afternoon. “How is everyone holding up?”

“Barely hanging on. Dawn I’m afraid has taken this worse than when their mother passed away. Willow and Tara have moved into the house and have been granted temporary guardianship. I will tell you right now that nobody knows that Buffy has died. There is no record of her death. I had to arrange with the Council to make it so her death is untraceable.”

“To protect the Hellmouth, right? Soon as word gets out she’s gone, all hell breaks loose even if I’m there, right?”

“Almost certain that is what could happen, which is why we must be extremely alert and careful with how we deal with things in Sunnydale from here on out.”

Giles doesn’t say anything more. I can tell he’s afraid of who or what will overhear our conversation even though the place is nearly empty and the only waitress is too busy standing by the kitchen door, flirting with the cook. He drops a twenty on the table and we leave, leaving the waitress with at least a seven dollar tip.

There are a lot of questions I need to ask him, but he seems all talked out right now and I decide to wait until we get to Sunnydale. I close my eyes once we’re back out on the road and I don’t open them again until I hear the voice on the radio predicting another sunny day in Sunnydale for tomorrow. I open my eyes just in time to see the ‘Welcome to Sunnydale’ sign and it makes me feel tense and it makes my whole body begin to buzz more than I’ve felt in a year.

The Hellmouth has always made me feel on edge. Maybe it’s a slayer thing. It makes me wish Buffy was still alive so I could ask her myself since it’s something only another slayer would know how it felt to be around a Hellmouth as powerful as the one in Sunnydale.

Giles pulls into the parking lot of the apartment complex and I hop out as soon as he kills the engine. I grab my duffle bags out of the back seat and follow him to his door. He seems even more tired than he did when he showed up in LA and I’m not too surprised to see his apartment looks like a bomb went off inside. There are papers strewn over the desk and the coffee table. Empty tea cups sitting on top and in the kitchen there’s a sink full of dirty dishes and half a piece of what looks like coffee cake sitting on a plate on the counter.

I make my way over to the couch and drop my bags to the floor. Giles is already moving around the apartment, scrambling to pick up after himself. I’m guessing he didn’t realize how much of a mess he’d left the place in. not like I care, honestly. He’s been through a lot with having to face that Hell God, Glory, and then with Buffy’s death.

“G?” I say quietly as I walk over to where he’s trying to pick the papers up from the desk. “Don’t even worry about it. Not gonna judge.”

He looks flustered but stops and reaches for the nearly empty bottle of what looks like rum or whiskey. “Would you care for a drink, Faith?”

I shake my head no and take a seat on the couch. It’s not the most comfortable couch in the world, but it’s not gonna kill me to crash here for a little while. Giles takes the arm chair and sits down heavily. I can smell the whiskey as soon as he takes a sip and lets out a heavy sigh afterwards.

“There is one matter that I need to discuss with you,” he says softly. “Give me a couple of days to tell the others that you’re here. Once I do, there is a spell we can do that’ll make you appear to others as Buffy.”

What the fuck is he talking about? I look at him wide eyed, thinking he’s definitely lost his mind.

“The only purpose of that would be out on patrol,” he finishes. Still not helping me think he hasn’t gone crazy over losing Buffy. “I know how far-fetched the idea seems to you, Faith. It’s not natural, of course, but it is the only way to protect the Hellmouth and word that Buffy has passed on.”

“So what, I go around wearing a Buffy cloak while I’m out on patrol, pretending to be her for the greater good? Fuck that, Giles. This ain’t what I signed on for.”

Giles closes his eyes as he removes his glasses and I know he’s reached the end of his line of tolerance, not just for me but for everything in this world. I shakily run my hands through my hair and shake my head a couple of times. The idea is crazy. Stupid. Brilliant too, until it all backfires of course.

“I’m not doing it, G,” I say firmly. “No way in hell am I doing that.”

“And what happens when you have no other choice, Faith?”

“We’ll walk that road when we get there,” I reply and I stand up and walk over to where Giles left the bottle of whiskey. I find myself a clean glass in the kitchen and pour myself a drink. “Can I smoke in here?” I ask him and he just stares blankly at me. “I’m gonna take that as a no.”

“There is an ashtray in the cupboard above the fridge,” he says just as I’m about to head out the front door. “It’s a nasty habit, Faith. One you picked up in prison?”

“Yeah. Was something to pass the time at first, now it just keeps me calm.”

“Understandable.”

I got a funny feeling the first couple of days here are gonna be a bit tense. A bit being a huge understatement. There are still a lot of things I’m not being told, but Giles is already finishing off his first glass of whiskey and pouring himself another. He doesn’t say a word to me as he heads up the stairs to his room. I can only faintly hear him crying after he’s up there for a couple of minutes and I sigh heavily as I grab the ashtray and plant myself on the couch.

I can recognize a downward spiral when I see one. Been around a mother who slipped down numerous of them before she wound up dead. Sure, it was for different reasons, but Giles has that same blank, haunted look in his eyes that my mother used to get just before she slipped away into a void that only alcohol and drugs could keep her afloat.

I can only imagine what the rest of the Scoobs are going through now. I don’t think I’m prepared to face them. Not so soon after Buffy’s death, at least. But if the way Giles is acting is any indication, things really _aren’t_ gonna be easy around here.

Not for a long time.


	3. Chapter Three

** Chapter Three **

 

The first night in Sunnydale was the longest. I couldn’t sleep and after an hour of pacing through the apartment, I gave up and started cleaning the place up, figuring it was the least I could do for Giles taking me in without so much batting an eyelash. That morning, he barely said a word, but I saw he noticed what I’d done for him while he’d been sleeping.

The second day wasn’t any easier, but it wasn’t hard either. Giles woke me up bright and early, deciding that it was the day he started training with me. I didn’t put up a fight. I knew he missed having a slayer of his very own and I know for a fact Buffy had not been _his_ slayer for quite some time. He pushed me to my limits, which is what my first Watcher did before she was killed. It made me realize how much I missed being a true slayer with a Watcher, training the way we’re meant to be trained day in and day out. By the end of the day, we left the old gym a few blocks from the apartment, both of us tired and sore and hungry. We didn’t talk much about anything other than figuring out a specific training schedule that’ll work for both of us and I was totally okay with that.

The third day, Willow stopped by to talk to Giles. I was in the shower when she knocked on the door and stayed in the bathroom hiding until Giles came to tell me she was gone. Slowly their lives were getting back on track from what I overheard Willow and Giles talking about. I asked Giles a few hours after Willow had come and gone, when he was planning to tell the Scooby gang and just _what_ exactly he was planning to say to them about why and how I was back in Sunnydale. Giles just told me not to worry about it and that when the times comes, he’ll tell me beforehand in case the others take it in the worst way. That was highly likely and I don’t know if I’m prepared to run and hide. That’s just not who I am. Doing it for three days here in Sunnydale has made me feel more anxious than I remember feeling.

And this morning, the fourth day in Sunnydale, I’m making coffee in the kitchen and I can hear Giles talking on the phone quietly in the living room. I try to be quiet, but I accidently drop one of the mugs and I freeze. I look over at Giles, he’s stock still, and only faintly I can hear the voice on the other line asking him what just happened.

“Nothing, Willow. I er, accidentally knocked over a mug. No, no nobody is here. No, don’t come over. Willow…” Giles sighs as he pulls the phone away from his ear and hangs it up. “Bloody hell.”

“She’s coming here to check up on you, isn’t she?”

“I’m afraid so,” he frowns.

“You need me to go hide under the bed or something like that?” I ask, partially joking and when he shakes his head no, I stare at him like he’s grown a second set of eyes. “What, you’re gonna let her come here and see that I’m here, just like that?”

“We cannot keep you under the radar for much longer, Faith. It’s time they know.”

“But this is Willow, G, all trigger happy with the witch-fu lately from the things you told me yesterday. What if she turns me into like a frog or makes me spontaneously combust the instant she sees me? Or worse, what if she--”

“Faith, do try not to blow things out of proportion so quickly. I’m certain she won’t turn you into a frog or make you spontaneously combust or worse.”

I see a hint of a smile though and I relax. Any little sign I see in Giles that he’s less depressed over Buffy’s death, no matter what makes him smile, is a good thing.

“I’ll hold you to that,” I say, chuckling as I kneel down and start to pick up the bigger pieces of the broken mug off the floor.

My hands are shaking and I can’t fucking believe I’m afraid of what _Willow_ could do to me. She’s a pretty damn powerful witch now from the things that Giles told me about. I knew it already though from the things that Angel told me whenever he’d come to visit. Facing the old shy and innocent Willow is nothing, but this one? This new Willow with all this power? Makes even a former badass slayer shake in her shit-kicker boots a little.

Giles tries to tell me to stay calm and that it won’t be nearly as bad as I’m expecting. I gotta wonder if he’s been drinking again even as early as it is. Has he forgotten what happened the last time I faced the Scooby gang? I try to keep myself calm and stand by the back window and light up a cigarette. Giles shoots a disapproving look my way and I ignore it. It’s the same look he gives me whenever I’m in the same room as him when that nicotine craving hits.

I’m really not fucking surprised when Willow shows up with Tara, Xander, and Anya nearly half an hour after she’d been on the phone with Giles. It’s dead silent in the apartment and I know any second now all hell is gonna break loose. I don’t even move from where I’m standing at the window, chain smoking ‘cause of the nerves, and it seems like nobody knows what to do or say for those first few crucial seconds.

“What the _hell_ is she doing here?” Willow says, breaking the heavy silence that’s all but swallowed us all up. “Giles, what the hell is _she_ doing here?”

“Did she hurt you?” Xander asks, rushing over to Giles as soon as he snaps out of whatever stupor he’s slipped into the moment he walked in the door. “Giles? Did she hurt you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Giles says, batting Xander’s hands away as Xander reaches out for him.

“Get out,” Willow spits her words out like they’re venom. “Get the hell out of here and out of Sunnydale and go back to prison where murderous trash like you belong.”

 I can’t seem to move away from the window or speak. I barely flinch when Willow walks right up to me and grabs the front of my shirt.

“Did you hear me, Faith? You’re not welcome here!”

“I heard you,” I utter out softly and I glance over at Giles, waiting for him to step in and do that whole explaining the situation thing he said he’d do. “Giles?”

“Bloody hell,” he mutters under his breath and he pulls Willow away from me. “If you would all stop acting like children and give me a chance to explain what is going on--”

“She’s brainwashed him,” Xander says, mostly to Anya who nods her head in agreement. “He thinks she’s not here to kill him.”

“I’m not,” I say as I straighten out my shirt.

“Would you just sit down and listen?” Giles says firmly in that tone of voice that shows them just who is boss. Xander is the first to sit on the couch within a second. I try not to laugh at the obedience he’s showing to Giles. “Willow?”

“How can you just stand here and act like everything is okay, Giles?”

“Would you please let past grievances slip aside for one bloody moment and let me explain?”

It’s Tara who pulls Willow aside and I can’t help but watch as she tries to calm Willow down. It’s almost sweet seeing where they are now together considering how I first met Tara. I’m trying not to think of the past, especially not the body-swap. What’s been done is done, I’ve made my peace with it and now all that’s left is properly apologizing to those it affected. And the one it affected the most isn’t even alive to hear me tell her how fucking sorry I am for the shit I pulled on her and how much I hurt her and her friends, her family.

And it’s Tara who makes Willow sit down next to Xander on the couch and she sits on the other side, holding Willow’s hand, acting like her tether.

“I don’t see why you guys are all freaking out,” Anya says as she stands near me with her arms crossed. “She’s obviously not that crazy, murderous slayer anymore. If she was, she’d have slaughtered us all by now.”

“Ahn,” Xander says and she shrugs him off.

“What, Xander? It’s true. If she was who you all say she was before, none of us would actually be alive right now. Or we would be alive, but bound to chairs and being repeatedly tortured into a slow death.”

I can’t believe this chick. I can’t even stop the laughter that escapes either.

Giles looks like he’s barely hanging on by a thread here and I stay where I am, keeping my eyes on Willow in case she decides to try anything funny. There is a dead silence before Giles begins to tell them everything from the beginning. He told them how it was ultimately Angel who made the choice in getting me out of jail and that it was Angel who had called him and convinced him to take me in. He told them what they already knew, that the Hellmouth needs a slayer and I’m the only one left standing.

Willow looks unconvinced at this point and I can’t blame her. I can’t read Xander, he’s just staring blankly at Giles as he speaks. Anya looks bored out of her mind and Tara, I can’t read her either, but she’s gently stroking Willow’s back in attempt to keep her calm so her attention is more focused on Willow than what Giles is explaining to them.

Giles goes on to tell them that things have changed and whether they believe it or not, that I have changed too. Willow goes to open her mouth to say exactly what I know is coming, but Giles stops her and puts her in her place, telling her to shut up and let him speak. Go Giles!

He hasn’t even gotten to the best part yet, where he asks Willow to conjure up a glamour spell to make me look like Buffy while I’m out on patrol. Can’t wait for him to get _that_ one out and expect Willow to keep quiet or to keep her witch-fu to herself after that point.

He allows Willow to speak though before he continues. She asks him how long I’d been in Sunnydale for. I swear at this point, I’m about ready to bail. It’s going to get worse and worse and I’m gonna be left as a frog or something by the time Willow is done with me. I hold my breath when Giles tells them that I’ve been in town for four days and out of prison for a week. It’s Willow’s lack of reaction that scares me more than anything now.

I feel zero sense of relief when she storms out of the apartment after that. Giles just turns to me and sighs as he moves to sit in the arm chair. He picks up his glass of whiskey and takes a small sip, shaking his head and I’m left wondering just what’s going through his mind right about now.

“So, she’s not evil anymore?” Anya asks and everyone turns to look at her. “Really, if what Giles says is true, she’s not evil anymore and she’s here to do good, protect the Hellmouth like the good little slayer she should’ve always been.”

“Ahn, it doesn’t matter if she’s not evil _now_ ,” Xander says patiently. “None of us can just forgive her for what she’s done to us. If Buffy was still here--”

“She’s not,” Anya snaps and Xander lowers his eyes to the floor. “She’s not here, Xander. There is only one slayer left and we’re looking right at her.”

“She’s right,” Tara whispers. “Faith is the only slayer left and the Hellmouth needs a slayer here. It’s safer for all of us, not just in Sunnydale, but the rest of the world.”

“You don’t get it, do you? If Buffy was still here, she’d never allow Faith to walk back here and just take over Sunnydale. She tried it before and we all remember how that one turned out,” Xander says angrily and he stands up from the couch, pushing Anya’s hand away when she tries to stop him. “Giles, _you_ may have forgiven Faith for what she’s done, but it’s not gonna be that easy for Will or me to do that. We haven’t forgotten what she’s done and we’re not going to forgive her so easily.”

Xander leaves then and I roll my eyes and take a seat in the other arm chair. Giles is only staring into his glass, a far-away look on his face that tells me he’s deep in thought. Or I could be wrong and he’s just trying to forget everything that’s just happened.

“Knew this was a bad idea,” I say quietly and shake my head and wish I had a cigarette left. I smoked my last one before Willow and the others had shown up.

“What was prison like?” Anya asks and I laugh, figuring she’s just trying to change the subject.

“Anya,” Giles warns her before I can even answer her. “Now is not the time.”

Anya huffs and stands up, crossing her arms over her chest. “Fine. Are you coming to the Magic Box today?”

“Possibly later once I’ve gotten a few things sorted out here.”

Anya leaves then without another word. I get the feeling things are highly hilarious whenever she’s around. Kind of makes me wish she was around back when I was here before, might’ve kept me on my toes enough to keep me from making the mistakes I made.

Tara just keeps sitting there and I feel a little self-conscious with her staring at me the way she is. I remember the first time I saw her. She was so fucking shy, stuttering her words, but now? She’s grown into an entirely different woman, one I got a feeling that given the chance, there’s a slight possibility we could end up friends. I gotta wonder if she remembers our one and only meeting while I was wearing Buffy’s body and judging from the look on her face right now, I’m gonna guess she does remember.

When the phone rings, Giles takes the cordless upstairs to talk to the caller in private, leaving me alone with Tara. I can’t seem to stop fidgeting either and she just won’t stop staring at me.

“How have you been, Faith?”

“Good, I guess,” I shrug. “You?”

“Been better. It’s been tough the last couple of months, even harder for the last couple of days. Dawn can’t stop crying.”

“I’m sorry,” I utter, not sure what else to say. “Wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

Tara just nods and I can see the tears building up in her eyes. If she starts crying, I don’t know how I’m gonna handle that. I rarely let myself be around people when they cry. It stirs up too many of my own emotions I still can’t quite handle.

“I--I should go,” Tara says softly as she stands up from the couch. “I need to find Willow and make sure she’s okay. Give them some time, Faith. They’ll come around and realize that we do need you here in Sunnydale.”

Giles comes down just as she leaves and he stands at the desk, shaking his head as he places the phone down on the charger. I don’t bother asking him what’s going on since I can tell he didn’t get good news with that phone call. I grab my jacket from the couch, checking to make sure I have enough money to buy a pack of cigarettes down at the store half a block away.

I head out, leaving Giles alone, but not before I check to make sure we don’t need anything while I’m out. It’s almost eerily calm out on the streets and barely any cars pass by on what is normally a busy street. The store is empty other than the old man sitting behind the counter by the register. I grab a couple bottles of Coke, a bag of chips and walk up, placing the items down on the counter before I ask him for a pack of Lucky’s. The man barely looks at me as he blindly reaches for the pack of cigarettes behind him. His eyes are glued to the TV sitting next to the register.

_“The murders have increasingly become worse in Sunnydale in the last week with no suspects, reason or cause. The police in Sunnydale have enlisted the help of neighbouring police forces with hope in tracking down the killers. More developments to come, after the break.”_

“God damn punks,” the old man mutters as I hand him the cash. “Come into our town killing our folk and get away with it. What’s the point in having cops if more people are dying every single day? The end of the world is coming, girl. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when it happens.”

I know exactly who--well, what is killing these people and why the murder rate has gotten worse in the last week. Buffy is dead, there is no slayer to protect the town from the vampires and demons around here. I grab my stuff and head back to the apartment quickly, knowing we gotta put a stop to it before things get even worse and before word starts getting around that Buffy is dead and gone.

Giles is sitting at the desk when I get back. He has the TV on, watching the news and I sigh heavily as I put the bag in the kitchen and take a seat on the couch. Hundreds of innocent people have been murdered in a week and as the reporter tells the story, I feel sick to my stomach. No matter what, not having a slayer in Sunnydale has proven to be worse than I thought.

“We gotta do something about this,” I say to Giles and he nods. “So, I’m going out on patrol tonight, see if I can find out what is doing this.”

“Faith, this is not what we agreed to.”

“People are dying out there, Giles! I can’t just sit here and wait for the Scooby gang to accept the fact that I’m here. I don’t need their fucking permission to do what I’ve been brought here to do!”

Giles looks so frustrated, but he doesn’t argue with me. He knows I’m right. The longer I go without patrolling the streets of Sunnydale at night and taking out as many vamps and demons as I can, the more innocent people are going to wind up dead. I look at the clock and there’s about eight hours left of daylight.

I grab my pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Coke and head out to the courtyard. I take a seat at the only table under the shade of the building and light a cigarette. I inhale deeply, feeling the nicotine quickly course its way through my body. I can feel myself start to relax, but it doesn’t stop my mind from going a million miles a second.

I should’ve been out on patrol the first night I got here. Things have gotten way out of hand here and all because of Giles wanting to wait for the right time to let the Scooby gang know that I’m here. Well, fuck them and fuck Giles. I’ve followed his plan this long and now I need to do what I’m meant to do and I don’t need permission to go out and hunt and slay vamps and demons. I shake my head and lean back in the chair, stiffening when I hear footsteps cautiously approaching me from behind.

“So it’s true,” Dawn whispers and I turn around to face her as she stops a few feet behind me. “You’re back.”

“Yeah, I am.”

I’m stunned by the force of the punch to the face Dawn delivers before I can even blink. Didn’t think the kid had it in her to throw a punch like that. I rub my cheek where she hit me and she backs away, crossing her arms over her chest and glares at me.

“Guess I deserved that.”

“You deserve a lot worse,” she says angrily. “You’re a murdering psychopath and you deserve to spend your life rotting away in prison.”

“Things change, Kiddo.”

I cautiously stand up, ready for whatever else Dawn has up her sleeve. She’s rubbing the hand she punched me with and I know it’s gotta hurt punching a slayer, or anyone for that matter when you’re just not used to doing it.

Dawn turns and walks away in a huff and I shake my head slowly as I sit back down in the chair. I didn’t know what I expected when I saw Dawn, but I guess I should’ve expected exactly what happened. I rub at my face again and light up another cigarette. Within minutes, Dawn is back and I stand right up, bracing myself for yet another well-deserved blow to the face.

“I should hate you,” Dawn says and she quickly turns from looking furious to looking like she’s on the verge of crying. “I really should hate you, Faith, but I don’t. I try and I can’t.”

I slowly sit back down in the chair and don’t take my eyes off her. Something tells me I need to listen to whatever it is she needs to tell me right now.

“I remember all the things you did to all of us,” she says and she takes a deep breath as she shakes her head. “But then I remember we all make mistakes. You owned up to your mistakes, you went to prison and nobody has given you credit for it.”

This kid is wise beyond her years. Kinda wonder if Buffy or any of the others ever saw that in her. I take a long drag of my cigarette, keeping my eyes on her as she moves to sit in the chair across the table from me.

“I still don’t trust you. Nobody trusts you. Except maybe Giles, but we all know he hasn’t been the same since that night that--that Buffy died.”

“I get it, Dawn,” I say softly. “I deserve whatever I got coming to me. Nobody wants me here, but what you all need to understand is that I _need_ to be here. Things are already getting bad around here and I’m the only one who can try to put a stop to it. I don’t expect you to understand just why I need to be here or even accept the fact that I’m back. Things are different now. Buffy is gone and there’s only one slayer left in this world and unfortunately for all of you,” I sigh and crush my cigarette out on the ground with my boot, “I’m the only slayer left.”

Dawn just nods her head, understanding what I’m saying--at least I think she is. I’m still on edge, alert and ready for Dawn’s mood to change on a dime here. With the way this day is going, I gotta expect just about anything at this point. I get the feeling that Dawn wants to talk about Buffy. I don’t know what it is, but I can just sense it.

“It’s been so hard here,” she says so quietly, her lip quivering as the tears start to fall. I shift uncomfortably in my seat and just listen to her. “With Buffy gone, it’s so hard. I have Willow and Tara to look after me now, but I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of what is happening out there every night since Buffy died,” she replies and she wipes at the tears falling down her cheeks. “You want to hear something crazy, Faith?”

“I’m all ears, Kiddo.”

“This is the first time we’ve ever actually met,” she says and I burst out laughing. This kid is a laugh riot. “I’m serious, Faith. Not too long ago, I was the Key. The monks made me into who I am now and sent me to Buffy so she could protect me. They gave everyone fake memories of me from the day I was born until the day I was sent to Buffy.”

I lean in my chair, just staring at her like she’s done lost her mind. How is that even possible? I remember showing up in Sunnydale and--oh crap. I know she’s right. I have that feeling deep in my gut and then I remember that the memories I do have of Dawn are fuzzy at best, almost like they didn’t exactly belong there in the first place. I don’t know why I never pieced it together until now, but I have the feeling that if I actually sat down and thought about it long enough, it would’ve all fallen into place.

Now I’m thinking about how if I’d made different choices when I was here in Sunnydale before, that maybe things wouldn’t turned out differently. Maybe Dawn wouldn’t even be here, or she would but she would’ve had Buffy and I there to protect her from Glory or any other demon or Hell God that was out for her blood. Maybe Buffy would still be alive. So many maybes and what ifs, all things that I’ll never know ‘cause there’s no way to turn back the clock and take back all the bad I’ve done.

Dawn is upset and she’s staring right at me, probably trying to determine whether I’m sane or crazy right now. I can only imagine what her memories are of me and I know there are a lot of bad ones in the mix. Gonna have to figure out a way to change things and not just with Dawn, but with everyone.

“Buffy couldn’t protect me,” she says after a long period of silence between us. “She tried and she couldn’t protect me.”

“She did, Dawn. You’re here now, aren’t you and the world is safe.”

“But she’s _dead_ ,” Dawn snaps at me and I can tell this conversation is not gonna head in a good direction from here on out. “She died saving the world. She died when it was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the one who died, Faith. It’s my fault she’s dead.”

“It’s not your fault,” I say softly. “She made a choice and she saved you. Saved the world. From what I know, Buffy would’ve done anything for you. She probably wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for what happened either.”

Dawn frowns and she opens her mouth as if to say something, but she doesn’t and she wipes away her tears again.

We just sit there for a while, not talking, barely looking at one another. I don’t know what to say to her or what to talk about. With the way things started between us when she showed up, there’s no telling what way things will go now.

The sun peaks over the top of the building and it’s warm. I take off my jacket and drape it over the back of the chair, basking in the warm California sun and trying not to let my thoughts consume me. Just like any time I try not to think about Buffy, she creeps into my mind and I wonder again how different things would’ve been if I made the right choices and stuck around.

I can’t help but get the feeling that she’s looking for a replacement Buffy-type in her life right now. I want to tell her I’m the last person she should be trying to make friends with, yet I don’t have it in me to say it to her. I can see the heavy sadness in her eyes from losing Buffy, the guilt she’s harbouring since she thinks Buffy’s death is her fault. There’s no way I can make it better or bring Buffy back.

There’s a saying I heard once, that time heals all wounds. And there’s no telling how much time it’s gonna take to make everything okay again here in Sunnydale.


	4. Chapter Four

** Chapter Four **

 

That night after the confrontation with the Scooby gang, I started patrolling the streets and cemeteries of Sunnydale. The vampire population had boomed in just the span of a week and I was more than determined to make the numbers dwindle fast. After that first night and then the nights that followed, slowly yet surely, the vamps started fleeing instead of sticking around to fight.

It’s been three weeks since I came back and it only took a week of being in Sunnydale to get into a routine that suited the situation. I train with Giles every afternoon in the training room in the back of the Magic Box and every night I go out on patrol alone, not coming back to Giles’ apartment until the sun is up. Things are still tense between me and the Scooby gang, but Giles tries to reassure me on a daily basis that I need to give them some time to accept that I’m back, that I’ve changed and am on the side of the good for real this time.

I called the crew down in LA and talked to Gunn yesterday. Nobody has heard from Angel since he left that day and I know I’m not the only one that’s worried about him. I made Gunn promise to give me a call when and if he hears anything.

Today though instead of sleeping past noon, I woke up after having just a few hours of sleep since I strolled in just after the sun rose. Giles isn’t home and I take it as a good sign he’s gone back to his normal routine, just like the others have in the last week or so now. I know he’ll be at the Magic Box with Anya, opening the shop up for the day. After I shower and throw on some clothes, I head down to the Magic Box. Everyone is there, even Dawn, and I’m not too surprised when they all look at me when I walk in the front door like I grew a second head overnight.

“Ah, Faith, quite an early start for you this morning, isn’t it?” Giles asks as I walk over to the table they’re all sitting around and pull out a plain donut from the box. “We were just in the middle of a discussion.”

“Yeah? About what?” I ask with my mouth full of donut.

“Word has been getting around underground that Buffy isn’t--”

“That’s she’s dead,” Anya finished for him.

“Anya,” Giles says in a warning tone that makes her shut right up. “We need to resolve this issue before anything or anyone else finds that it is indeed the truth. Now, I’ve discussed an option with everyone this morning about a spell, a glamour of sorts to make you appear as her while out on patrol.”

“And believe me when I say none of us are happy with that option,” Willow says and she casts a glare my way. “But, Giles says it’s really our only option unless we want to use the Buffy-bot instead.”

“Which we’ve all agreed is one big fat no,” Xander puts in. “None of us want to use Spike’s former sex-bot in place of Buffy--or a real slayer, which is you, Faith.”

“This spell?” I ask as I sit down in one of the chairs and lean back. “Is it safe?”

“It’s a glamour,” Tara says and she nods her head slowly. “It should be safe, Faith, but none of us have ever done a glamour spell like this before so we’re not quite sure how it’ll work out.”

“So, I’m gonna be a guinea pig then?” I ask and Xander has to stifle a laugh at that. “Do I even get a say in this? ‘Cause I gotta say, I’m really not comfortable with this whole idea.”

“None of us are,” Willow replies coldly.

“Regardless, in order to keep Sunnydale safe and out of the hands of power hungry demons and vampires, we must resolve this before it gets any worse. This may just be the only way and it surely can’t hurt to try. We’ve got no other choice and yes, Willow,” Giles sighs as he stops her from interrupting, “I know how you feel about this. I know how you all feel about this, but we’ve agreed there is no other way at concealing the fact that Buffy is gone.”

I look over at Tara as she opens up a thick spell-book and slides it across the table so I can have a look at it. I don’t understand most of what’s written on the page, but the part I do understand is that the glamour can be controlled by an object worn on the person. And then I see the small paragraph about the possibility of minimal pain during the first few transformations and I slide the book back to Tara.

“Well, we gonna test this out or what?” I ask, looking over at Giles for an answer.

“We haven’t decided anything yet,” Willow snaps at me. “It’s only one idea.”

“Out of two options,” Anya points out and for once, she’s right about one thing. There really aren’t any other options here. “We all agreed we don’t want to use Spike’s sex-bot in place of Buffy, so what other choice do we have here?”

“We’re talking about turning Faith into Buffy,” Willow replies and she’s angry. “Do you realize how _wrong_ that is after everything that happened the last time Faith was here?”

“It’s only temporarily!” Anya says and she rolls her eyes. “Look, I’m all for keeping Sunnydale and the Hellmouth as safe as we can make it and if that means we gotta turn to magic and make Faith look like Buffy in order to do so, then what’s the big deal? We _all_ miss Buffy, okay, but you know what? Life has to go on at some point, does it not? Xander, tell them I’m right.”

“Ahn,” Xander sighs as he gets up from where he’s sitting and moves away from the table. “She’s right though, it is only temporary. Will,” he says as he looks over at her. “Let’s just give it a try and see how it turns out. We’re at the end of our rope here and if we don’t do something soon…things are only going to get worse around here and Sunnydale will become a demon playground--more so than it already is. We’ve got to try.”

I get up from the chair and head for the back room, leaving them to argue among themselves. Truth is, I feel too uncomfortable being in the same room as all of them still and it’s something I know is gonna take quite some time to get used to--not just for me, but for all of them too.

I flip on the radio, cranking up the volume and make my way over to the heavy bag. I skip the gloves and I start to punch it, my fists hitting the worn leather, each hit making my knuckles burn. I time each hit to the beat of the music, quickly losing myself in the rhythm.

These last couple of weeks have been one helluva ride on the emotional rollercoaster I involuntarily hopped on the moment I let Gunn break me outta prison. I keep trying to keep my focus on being better, stronger, faster slayer while fighting on the side of the good. I keep trying not to run, which is always just right there under the surface, egging me on that sometimes it becomes unbearable and hard to ignore. I stay on ‘cause I’m needed here. I stay on ‘cause it’s the right thing to do whether I feel wanted or not. I stay here ‘cause I don’t have any other choice.

I stop punching the bag when I feel someone else in the room with me. I push back my hair that’s fallen over my face as I turn around, not surprised to see Dawn standing there by the door, looking unsure whether to come in or stay where she is or leave me alone.

“Hey,” Dawn says as she makes her way over to the green leather couch by the windows.

“They still going at it out there?” I ask her and I glance down at my hands and notice the skin is broken and bleeding.

“Yeah,” she nods.

“How do you feel about this whole thing?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugs and I join her on the couch. “It’s weird, don’t you think? Like why can’t the baddies in Sunnydale just get over the fact that Buffy isn’t here anymore and be afraid of _you_ instead?”

I laugh, wondering why I hadn’t thought of that myself. “Don’t know, Kiddo. Things just are the way they are. Change doesn’t come easily or quickly unfortunately.”

“Don’t I know it,” she sighs and I can see she has a lot on her mind right now, just like the rest of us do. “Spike is back in town.”

“Since when?”

“Last night.”

I roll my eyes and yet I should’ve known this was coming. Spike had taken off the night Buffy died and according to Dawn--who just so happens to be the only one willing to talk to me and fill me in on the things Giles hasn’t yet, Spike was too heartbroken to stick around. I can’t help but wonder what the hell it is with Buffy and vampires, and why some of them fall head over fucking heels in love with her.

But with news of Spike being back in town, I’m suddenly feeling on edge again. I’ve only came face to face with him once before only I was wearing Buffy’s body and just the sight of him repulsed me. Dawn told me how Spike had been in love with Buffy and how he wanted to be with her and went as far as having a robot copy of her made when he realized he’d never have her the way he wanted. Hearing it had disgusted me and I wanted nothing more than to come face to face with him and stake him before he could continue interfering with the lives of those who Buffy held close to her heart.

It was while Dawn was telling me all about Spike that day, that Giles told me I couldn’t dust him when and if he ever came back to Sunnydale. It’s not just the fact he has a chip in his head and is all neutered now. Giles wouldn’t give me more of a reason, but I know it’s ‘cause Spike had been there for them, fighting the good fight while they dealt with Glory. Even though I respect Giles’ decision not to get rid of Spike, doesn’t mean it’ll stop me from using him as a punching bag if he so much rubs me the wrong way.

“He stopped by the house just after sunset last night, said he just wanted to check in and make sure I was doing okay,” Dawn says quietly and I raise an eyebrow at her. “He’s not as bad as he seems, Faith. He’s got a heart.”

“Yeah, a heart that doesn’t beat,” I mutter. “Dawn, next time he comes around, let me know. I got a few words I wanna say to him.”

“Does it involve your fists and a stake?”

“Possibly.”

“Faith, you can’t.”

“I know,” I sigh. “Doesn’t mean I can’t beat him up a little bit though,” I say with a short laugh and it brings a small smile to Dawn’s face. “Aside from the obvious, how’s the summer vacation treating you so far, Kiddo?”

She rolls her eyes at the fact I keep calling her Kiddo. It’s just something that’s stuck when it comes to her and once I give people nicknames, they tend to stay that way.

“Boring.”

“Enjoy it while it last ‘cause boring in Sunnydale is something that never last for long,” I say with a short laugh and she nods in agreement.

“Faith, if I may have a word?” Giles says as he comes into the training room. “They’ve come to an agreement. Finally. Willow and Tara are putting together the glamour spell, but it may take several hours before the first test can be done.”

“Great,” I reply, feigning as much enthusiasm as I can.

“They sent to me to ask you what sort of object you’d like for them to set the glamour on. Something easy to conceal and slip on and off such as a necklace or a ring perhaps.”

I don’t even think twice about it and unclasp the silver cross necklace that Angel had given to me in the first few weeks I was in prison. Giles smiles a little as I hand it to him and he heads back to the front of the shop, leaving me and Dawn back there alone. It isn’t much longer after that that Dawn leaves and I get back to punching the heavy bag, this time though slipping on the gloves before I do.

****

I spent all afternoon in the training room, working out and breaking up a sweat, yet unable to shake the building anxiety I got going on inside of me. By the time Willow and Tara were finished doing the spell, I was a wreck and desperately trying not to show it when I joined them in the front of the shop and waited for Giles and Anya to finish up with the last customers of the day.

I help myself to a slice of pizza outta the box sitting on top of the piles of books on the table. Xander comes in through the front door just as the last customer is about to leave. He locks the door behind the woman and pulls down the blinds. I feel nervous and my hands are sweating as everyone gathers around the table.

“So, how’s this work?” I ask Willow as she hands me the necklace carefully.

“Just put it on.”

“Is that it?”

“Yeah,” she nods and she no longer looks as angry as she did earlier, which is a huge relief. I’m getting pretty tired of Willow’s attitude towards me. “You just put it on and the glamour takes over within seconds.”

“Faith, be careful with that,” Tara says before I can lift the necklace to my neck. “We had to use some very powerful magic to create this glamour for you. If the necklace so much as breaks, it loses the power to keep you looking like--”

“Got it. Don’t let anything happen to the necklace,” I say quickly. I’m nervous and worried that something might end up going wrong. “Here’s goes nothing,” I mutter as I clasp the necklace around my neck and drop my hands slowly.

“Holy shit,” Xander squeaks out a moment later. “Holy shit. It worked.”

The colour has drained from his face, Willow looks a little surprised and Tara does too. Anya just rolls her eyes and goes over to the register to count the money the shop brought in through the day. Dawn however turns and runs to the bathroom near the back and I can faintly hear her crying as soon as the door shuts behind her. Giles grabs at his glasses, pulls out his silk handkerchief, and starts furiously scrubbing at the lenses.

“So it worked?” I ask and my hands go to my mouth when its Buffy’s voice that comes out instead of my own. “Holy fuck.”

I need a mirror and I head for the bathroom, not letting the fact that Dawn has locked the door stop me from going in. Dawn is standing there on the other side of the door in shock, tears rolling down her cheeks and I turn to look in the mirror, feeling all the colour drain from my face when I see Buffy’s face looking right back at me.

“Dawn, wait,” I say to her as she pushes past me and storms out of the small bathroom. “Shit.”

I find it hard to look at the reflection staring back at me. It’s seriously like coming face to face with Buffy and I can only imagine how Dawn and the others feel right now knowing the glamour spell has worked as well as it has. I slip off the necklace, watching the reflection in the mirror instantly change back into me again. I let out a sign of relief, but I don’t head back out to the shop just yet.

I need a minute, or ten, to get over the initial shock on how much the glamour made me not only look like Buffy, but sound like her too. I carefully place the necklace into the front pocket of my jeans and turn on the tap in the sink I wait until the water is cold before I splash it over my face and that’s when I feel the pain I remember reading in the book Tara had shown me earlier. It wasn’t mad, unbearable pain, but it felt like my whole body was burning from the inside out.

This is too much. Way too fucking much and I walk out of the bathroom, fully prepared to tell Giles that I am _not_ doing this. But Giles isn’t out in the shop and neither is Dawn or Willow. Xander and Anya are sitting at the table, both looking at the books that are open in front of them. Tara is the only one who looks over at me as I sit down at the table with them.

“Where’s Dawn?”

“Willow and Giles took her home,” Tara replies softly. “I think seeing you as--as Buffy was a bit of a shock to her.”

“A _bit_ of a shock? Are you kidding me?” Xander snaps and he shakes his head. “This was not a good idea. I don’t know about you guys, but I had no idea she’d _sound_ like Buffy too! This is worse than the time Faith hijacked Buffy’s body.”

“Standing right here, Xander, and for the record? I’m not liking this idea any more than you,” I say, my voice even despite the fact I feel like I’m gonna puke. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“Faith, it’s hard for all of us, but you heard what Giles said--”

“No, Tara, I just can’t,” I cut her off and I pull the necklace out of my pocket and drop it on the table in front of her. “This was a really bad idea.”

I head out the front of the shop and shakily pull the cigarettes out of my back pocket. I light one and lean against the wall by the door and close my eyes, willing the nausea to go away, hoping the burning throughout my body will end just as soon as I calm down.

Tara comes outside a few minutes after I’d been out there alone and trying to avoid any and all thoughts going through my mind. She hands the necklace back to me and I take it without thinking too much about it. As bad as the reaction was and even though I know it’s a bad idea, it’s the only thing we got to go on here to keep Sunnydale safe and the Hellmouth protected. I just keep wishing for another way. There _has_ to be another way.

“I know what you’re thinking right now,” she says as she leans up against the wall next to me. “I keep thinking it too. About finding another way to deal with this situation we’ve found ourselves in.”

“Are you using magic to read my mind now, Tara?”

“Don’t have to. It’s written all over your face.”

“I don’t know if I can do this,” I say softly as I look up at the darkening sky. “The way Giles kept going on about it, made it seem like I had no other choice but to agree to this. Didn’t think it’d be so fucking…real.”

“I don’t think anything could’ve prepared us for the result of the spell, Faith.”

“Ya think Dawn is gonna be okay?”

“She’ll be fine,” Tara says with a soft smile when I turn to look at her. “Why don’t you come by the house before you go on patrol tonight?”

I give her a look like she’s done lost her mind. I have yet to go to the Summers’ house and not once in the last three weeks that I’ve been here has any of them invited me there. Even when I’ve been out on patrol, I’ve tried to avoid Revello Drive all together. Although I’m slowly getting the acceptance from the Scooby gang that I’m here and not going anywhere anytime soon, being invited into the Summers’ house is the last thing I expected, and from Tara out of all of them.

“You sure that’s a good idea?” I ask her and she gives me a little shrug.

“If Willow gives you any crap about it, Faith, you just tell her you’re there to check up on Dawn.”

“And if Willow unleashes her witch-fu on me and turns me into a frog or something, what then?”

Tara full out laughs and nudges me in the shoulder. I can’t fight the smile and I can’t help but wonder just when she crawled out of her shell. Dawn tells me it happened a few months ago, that she got over her shy, stuttering stage pretty much out of nowhere. One thing though that I’m kinda happy about is the fact she’s not the shy, stuttering type anymore. She’s really proven to be a player on Team Faith. Not once since I’ve been back has she brought up my past mistakes and held them against me. She has no reason to since I never actually did anything to her, not like I did to the others.

“She won’t turn you into a frog or anything else for that matter, Faith. You leave Willow to me and do what you have to do to make things right with Dawn.”

“Maybe not tonight,” I say quietly and I expect Tara to try to talk me out of it, but instead she leaves it alone and starts the walk back home by herself. I feel a sudden pang of guilt and protectiveness and I jog to catch up with her. “You’re really not giving me a choice here, are you?”

“Nope.”

I walked her almost all the way to the house, not quite there, but closer than I’d been in over a year. I made sure it was safe for her to walk the rest of the way and stood there on the corner until I could just barely see her make her way inside the front door. I turn and head to Giles’ place, knowing I gotta get a move on and get out on patrol. I need to change my clothes and grab a few weapons, but it seems like fate had a different idea planned out for me tonight.

Spike is waiting outside the apartment complex and he walks over to me with a grin on his face I’d love for nothing more than to wipe off his face with my fist. He doesn’t say anything as we stand face to face, mere inches apart. I know he senses how much I hate him and can’t stand the fact that he’s right there. I push past him and head up to Giles’ door, letting myself in with the key he’d given me. I’m not fucking surprised when Spike follows me inside and I spin around quickly and grab him by his leather trench coat.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Spike?”

“Just came by for a little chat,” he says and pushes me away, smoothing out his coat as he saunters his way towards the kitchen. He goes through the fridge, looking for something and he ends up pulling out a bottle of Bud. I shoot him a look and he grabs another, tossing it towards me without a word.

I make a mental note to ask Giles why this piece of trash has an open invite to walk into his place whenever he feels like it. Things are gonna change around here especially when it comes to Captain Peroxide.

“What the hell do you want?”

“A bit hostile tonight, aren’t you? Thought you weren’t an angry little psycho slayer anymore?”

I clench my teeth and stare at him as he sits down on one of the stools and cracks open his beer. He smirks before he takes a couple swigs and sets the bottle down on the counter.

“Yeah, I’m not, but around your types, I am.”

Spike laughs and I can only roll my eyes and take a sip of my beer. “I saw what you did tonight at the shop,” he says once his laughter fades. “Have you lost your bloody mind?”

“Wasn’t my idea,” I say even though I know I don’t owe him an explanation.

“If the vamps and demons that come through this town can’t accept that _you’re the_ slayer here, well fuck them, luv. They gotta learn to deal with change, just like the rest of us.”

At least Spike has a point. Like hell I’m gonna tell him he’s right though. He polishes off his beer and stands up. He glares at me while he fixes his coat and stalks his way over to where I’m standing. I can smell the beer on him, the fresh blood and I cock my head to the side as I size him up and imagine all the ways I could get rid of him right here, right now. He smirks and right when I think he’s got more to say to me, he turns and strolls out the door without another word.

I sigh in relief and take my beer with me out to the courtyard. I pull the necklace out of my pocket and stare at it long and hard. What’s the right thing to do here, I wonder, and I know those voices I used to hear in the back of my mind have grown silent over the last handful of months so I won’t find any sort of answers that I’m looking for.

Do I go out on patrol tonight as myself? Or do I go out wearing the necklace with the glamour, looking and sounding like Buffy?

Seeing her reflection in the mirror had brought back a lot of memories, most of which I wanted to forget from that whole body-swap ordeal. It stirred up a lot of feelings deep down inside of me too, most of which I’m not ready to deal with right now. I just wish I had the chance to tell her how sorry I was for all the mistakes I made and for all the wrong I ever did to her. It’s too late now. Far too late.

I choke back the tears as I drink my beer and wonder what the right choice is to make for tonight. I don’t even know what is right anymore. Everything has pretty much gone to shit, not just since I’ve been back in Sunnydale, but for a long time. Brick by brick everything is falling apart. I just wish I knew how to piece my life back together before it crumbles away completely.


	5. Chapter Five

** Chapter Five **

 

Summer passed by quickly, mostly uneventful soon as I got the influx of vamps and demons under control. Some nights I went out as me and those were the nights the Scoobs joined me on patrol. Other nights, when I was alone, I went as Buffy even though I kept thinking about how wrong it was to look like her but still be _me_. Those were the nights I’d run into Spike. Sometimes there’d be an exchange of rude, hateful words between us, other times we’d just pass each other and go on our way. It didn’t take me long to figure out that Spike followed me those nights, purposely stalking me. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that he missed Buffy, and with me using the glamour spell to look like her, it was the next closest thing to the real thing.

None of the Scoobs could stand to see me when I used the spell. I can’t blame them for that, especially not after the first time I tried it out and their reactions to how well the spell tuned out. So I did what I did best, avoided them on those nights I was _her_. I didn’t enjoy going as Buffy on patrol either and the first few nights I went out as her, Willow was the one accusing me of trying to _be_ her. Giles put her in her place and she never brought it up after that. But sometimes I wish she would ‘cause when she did, it triggered something deep in my subconscious that told me she was right on some level.

Slowly but surely I became a part of the Scooby gang over the course of the summer. It took a lot to regain their trust and soon as the trust settled in, friendships were slowly formed. I wouldn’t call any of us the best of friends or anything, but it’s better than being nothing more than an acquaintance. I spend more time with Tara than any of them, not sure why that is either. She seemed to be the one who trusted me first--besides Giles--and I gotta thank her for pushing Willow and Xander towards learning how to trust me again and leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

I have yet to go to Buffy’s grave and I’m not sure why that is. Dawn goes every Tuesday afternoon with the others and she’s always asking me to come with them week after week. When I’m out patrolling in Restfield, I make a point in avoiding that part of the cemetery all together. A part of me isn’t ready to face Buffy, even if it’s just her headstone. It feels almost wrong to go pay my respects when I know she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me when she was alive.

It’s been four months tonight since she died and I’m out on patrol alone. It’s only the beginning of October, but already the cool nights have crept in, bringing with it a slight fog early in the evening that lingers along the ground and creates an eerie feel in the cemetery. It isn’t long before it burns off, but by that point I’m not feeling up to patrolling tonight. It’s a slow night anyway and the vamps have been running scared the last couple of days.

I shouldn’t even be complaining, and yet all I want is a little bit of action tonight. Just one vamp is all I need to release the tension that’s been building up inside of me the past couple of days. I haven’t felt on edge like this for at least six weeks, so it’s driving me a little crazy today.

I could chalk up my restlessness on the fact that Giles dropped a pretty huge bomb on all of us yesterday. He’s heading back to England indefinitely. Somehow he’s convinced we don’t need him around here anymore and believes we can handle whatever comes our way on our own. I want to call him on it, but I haven’t yet. Don’t want to seem ungrateful over the fact that he’s taken me in without a fuss.

I give up on patrol and slip off the necklace, carefully putting it in my pocket before I head for the cemetery entrance. I spot Willow and Tara up ahead, walking hand in hand and headed straight for me. I stay where I am and light a cigarette, waiting for them at the entrance to the cemetery. They’re laughing about something and I can’t help but smile a little. They’re so fucking adorable together. Sometimes when I see them all happy, staring at each other like there’s nobody else in this world, it makes me realize just how alone I truly am.

Yeah, enough of the depressing shit, I know, but life has always been a rollercoaster, full of its ups and downs and lately I feel like it’s been on a downward spiral with very little light at the end of the tunnel I seem to be going through right now.

“Hey, Faith, we were just coming to find you,” Tara says with a smile. “We’re you just leaving?”

I nod and push off the wall. “Been a slow night, was thinking of hitting up the Bronze for a couple hours. You two wanna come?”

Willow and Tara both nod, smiles appearing on their faces. I smile right back and we head for the Bronze just a few blocks away. This has become kind of a regular thing lately with going to the Bronze, alone or with some or all of the Scooby gang in tow. The first couple of times they went, I know they felt guilty about having a good time while Buffy is lying dead in the ground. They did get over it and realized that life does go on.

I get a feeling something is going on tonight though. Willow and Tara are far less talkative than they normally are. I shrug it off though since all I want to do is go out and have some fun tonight, maybe even sweet-talk the bartender into giving me a couple of beers.

Since it’s Monday night, the Bronze isn’t packed, but it’s not dead either. I’m not too surprised to see Anya and Xander sitting on the couches, talking quietly to each other--well, more like Anya yelling at Xander but I’ve figured pretty quickly out that’s a fairly normal thing between them lately. Dawn is here too, but she’s with a couple of her friends from school out on the dance floor, having the time of her life. I say a quick hello to Anya and Xander before I head over to the bar.

The usual bartender isn’t here tonight, but I don’t let that stop me from flirting with the new girl. She’s tall and blonde and from the looks of it, she’s completely covered in tattoos and piercings. I push up the twins and quickly glance down to make sure there’s ample cleavage on display and I walk over to an empty space at the bar with a smile on my face.

“Hey, what’s a girl gotta do to get a beer around here?” I ask her and I notice her nametag says Olivia. She looks me up and down quickly before smiling at me and leaning forward on the bar.

“You twenty-one?”

“What do you think, Liv?”

“I think,” she says quietly as she leans forward a little bit more, “you look more like a Jack and Coke kind of girl.”

Well, damn. I wink at her and wait as she mixes up a drink for me. Guys, girls, it doesn’t matter. I can flirt to get what I want without overly doing it. What can I say, it helps I got a banging body and even though I promised myself I wouldn’t go back to my old ways, once in a while doesn’t hurt to score a couple of drinks. I take my drink with me over to join the others on the couches and I can’t help but look back at Olivia and smile. It earns me a glare from Anya I try to shrug off.

“You’re not twenty-one yet!” Willow says in a hushed whisper. “How did you get that?”

“Do you really have to ask her that?” Anya cuts in. “It’s the girls,” she says knowingly and I can’t help but laugh at the dumbfounded look on Willows face. “Tits, Willow. Boobs, breasts, girls, twins, fun bags--they are good for other things than letting your girlfriend su--”

“Anya!” Xander says, his voice high as he puts an arm around her.

I smirk and sip my drink, settling down on the couch beside Willow and Tara. I get that same feeling I had earlier when we were walking to the Bronze and that’s when I notice the looks that the four of them are sharing between each other.

Or maybe I’m just reading far too much into things.

I polish off my drink and set the empty glass down on the coffee table before I jump up and head over to the dance floor. Dawn and her friends are still out there and I half expect her to tell me off for just being in the same general area as her and her friends, but she doesn’t. I’m only a little surprised when she motions for me to come and join them. I almost do, but decide against it. I just want to dance and have a good time and it’s hard to get decent guys--and girls too--to dance with me if I’m hanging around a bunch of fifteen year old kids.

I move towards the center of the dance floor, losing myself to the steady beat from the band on stage. They aren’t great, but they’re playing music that’s easy to dance to. I smirk when I feel a warm body behind me and I slowly turn around to face Olivia, the bartender.

“I’m on my break,” she says just loud enough for me to hear her over the music. “Thought you could owe me a dance for the favour I gave you.”

“That right?” I laugh and I loosely drape an arm around her slender shoulder. “Once dance.”

“Two.”

I laugh again and give in. I’m not going to turn down a dance from someone who could potentially give me drinks in the future whenever I’m here, no questions asked. Every time she tries to move a little closer, I playfully push her away, effectively trying to keep some kind of distance between us. It’s not that I’m not interested in her, I am, I just don’t want to go back to my old ways any time soon and this chick is definitely pushing all the right--and wrong--buttons right now. But I let the lingering thought pass my mind of what I’d do if this was a few years ago and I know that we wouldn’t be out here on the dance floor for very long before I’m fucking her ten ways to Sunday in the bathroom stall.

Damn, that’s a _hot_ image.

I follow Olivia to the bar when she tells me her break is over. She grabs me a beer and tells me it’s on the house this time. I wink at her before I walk away and head for the couches to join the Scooby gang. I stop just out of sight when I see they are very deeply in a conversation I got a feeling they don’t want me around to hear. I linger for a moment, hoping to catch a little bit of their conversation before they realize that I’m standing right there.

“Tomorrow night then?” Xander asks and I cock my head to the side and try to hear them over the driving, pounding music.

“Giles is leaving in the afternoon. It’ll give us plenty of time to prepare,” Willow replies and it makes me raise an eyebrow. Prepare for what? “I’ve already asked Spike to come and hang out with Dawn. Told him there’s a Scooby meeting we need to have away from the house.”

“Now that just leaves finding a way to get Faith to not go out on patrol tomorrow night. You couldn’t have just asked her to hang out with Dawn instead of Spike?” Xander asks and I take a few steps back, not sure I even want to be hearing this conversation right now.

One thing is for sure, I didn’t know Giles was leaving _tomorrow_. He told me about going back to England, sure, but I sure as hell didn’t think he was jumping on the soonest flight outta here. All these months I thought things we’re straight between us, turns out I was wrong about that. I turn around and head back to the bar, polishing off my beer and placing the bottle down as I nod my head towards Olivia.

“You never told me your name,” she says in a low voice that sends shivers down my spine.

“Faith.”

“I like it,” she grins and she grabs another beer and places it down in front of me. “So, Faith, I get off in an hour. What do you say you stick around and have a couple of drinks with me?”

I take a second to think about it. What harm would having a couple drinks with her really be? It’d be nice to be around other people, people other than Giles and the Scooby gang. I haven’t given myself the chance to meet anyone new since I’ve been back in Sunnydale. Besides, having a couple of drinks with Olivia would help me get my mind off the fact that Giles and the Scoobs have been keeping secrets from me. I smile at her and accept her offer, promising to stick around until she got off work in an hour.

I head back to the couches when I notice that Xander and Anya have moved off to the dance floor. Clear sign its “safe” to go over there now. I’m a little pissed about them keeping things from me, but what else can I expect? I just came back here literally a week after Buffy had died and just took over the slaying gig. Slowly earning their trust and friendship was just the icing on top of the Hellmouth cake. But still, I’m pissed they’re keeping me in the dark about whatever it is they’re planning to do tomorrow night. I try to get rid of the bitterness as I sit down on the couch across from Willow and Tara with a fake smile plastered on my face.

“Were you flirting with that bartender, Faith?” Willow asks, a teasing smile dancing over her lips.

“Maybe. What’s it to you, Red?”

“Nothing!” Willow looks almost horrified and I laugh at her reaction. “I just--I didn’t know you liked girls.”

“There’s lots you don’t know about me,” I state and I take a swig of my beer. “If you really wanna put some kind of label to it, Red, I swing both ways.”

“Looks like you owe Anya twenty dollars,” Tara says, giggling and I burst out laughing.

Unbelievable. They’re placing bets on whether I swing both ways or not? These past couple of months must be really boring for them if it’s come down to something as trivial as that. It’s not like it bothers me or anything, but I can see how scared Willow looks of how I’m going to react that I can’t just let this slide without teasing her about it a little bit. Or a lot.

“Placing bets on my sexuality, Red? Didn’t think you had it in you,” I say with a smirk and she grabs on to Tara’s arm, her face growing pale.

“It was all Anya! We were just talking one night. She wasn’t serious. At least I didn’t think she was!”

“Oh, when it comes to Anya, anything involving money and her getting more of it is very serious,” I reply and Willow looks like she’s about to bail any second now and I burst out laughing. “Relax, Red. I’m not offended or anything here. I know I may not be an open book, but you wanna know something just feel free to ask.”

Willow looks relieved but she also looks a bit skeptical, like she’s waiting for me to turn around and tell her I was joking about not being offended by her and Anya’s little bet.

I sit with them for a while and don’t even bother bringing up the little bet when Anya and Xander come back to join us. As hilarious as it is, I’m not in the mood for anymore ha-ha’s tonight. Even after having a couple of beers to loosen up, I still haven’t forgotten what I’d overheard from them earlier. I’m so tempted to ask them what they’re keeping from me, but I keep my mouth shut and figure maybe it’s better if I leave it alone and let it go.

When the Scoobs call it a night, none of them look surprised that I tell them I was staying for a little while longer. While that’s usually the case, it’s never been ‘cause I’m staying behind to have a few drinks with a hot bartender who’d been giving me free drinks all night. I tell them I’ll see them in the early afternoon since that’s the time I normally stroll in the Magic Box to use the training room. Anya almost says something to me, but is quickly pulled away by an annoyed Xander. I shake my head and wait until they’ve left the Bronze before I head over to the bar to wait for Olivia to get off work.

Of course, with my luck, she’s nowhere to be seen and the usual bartender is already behind the bar and serving the line of people their drinks. I look around to see if I can spot her, but I can’t see her anywhere. I finish off my beer and ask the bartender where I’d be able to find her. He just laughs and says she left ten minutes ago. I sigh heavily and decide it’s time to call it a night. I’m not used to being rejected and I can’t say it doesn’t hurt sometimes, ‘cause it does, but it just doesn’t fucking surprise me anymore.

I head back to Giles’ place, walking quickly to avoid any kind of confrontations with vamps and demons and anything else that decides to get in my face tonight. I’ve had a few beers and although having a few beers doesn’t give me the same effect as it would to a normal person, I’m not entirely sober enough to fight with all that I have. I’m not stupid and I’m not putting myself in any kind of situation where the chances are I won’t walk away without being completely fucked up.

I walk through the front door and slip out of my jacket, casually placing it over the back of the couch. I can hear Giles upstairs and I grab a beer out of the fridge. Giles comes down the stairs a couple minutes later and he looks tired, kind of the way he looked when he came to LA to bring me back to Sunnydale.

“Ah, Faith, I wasn’t expecting you home so early. Patrol go well?”

“Slow. Called it a night after about an hour sitting around Restfield.”

“We’ve talked about this,” he sighs loudly. “Despite the way things have been going as of late, I do believe the best thing is for you to stay out there for much longer than an hour.”

“What do you want, G? Vamps weren’t biting the bait tonight.”

“You do not use bait.”

“ _I’m_ the bait,” I chuckle.

“Anyway,” Giles says with a shake of his head. “There is something that I must talk to you about. As you know I was planning on returning to England for an undisclosed amount of time. I’ve been presented with the opportunity to leave tomorrow afternoon. I would’ve spoken with you about this earlier, but I wanted to leave without much of a fuss. I realized though this evening that I cannot leave without discussing some matters with you.”

Giles takes a deep breath, looking like he’s expecting me to say something to him, but I don’t. With the kind of night I’ve been having and the fact I’m in a semi-good mood, I just want to listen to whatever it is he has to say to me right now.

“Before you arrived here, I had plans to return to England and sell the flat here,” he says and I nod my head slowly. “But, things have certainly changed, haven’t they?”

“Sure have, G.”

“Which is why I’ve decided to sign the flat over to you,” he says with a smile. “You’ll have to get a job, unfortunately, to pay the bills here, but they won’t be much considering the place is paid for.”

“Let me get this straight,” I say and I start pacing around the living room. “You’re giving me this place instead of selling it off?”

“That is correct.”

“Why?”

Giles chuckles softly and walks over to me, putting his hands on my shoulders to stop me from pacing. “Because, Faith, you deserve to have a place to call home. I know you’re still going through a lot of changes and trying to stay on the path of redemption, but you deserve it. You’ve earned it.”

“I’ve earned jack squat.”

Even as the words left my mouth, they tasted bitter and wrong.

“Despite what you believe, Faith, you _have_ earned it.”

I don’t know what drove me to hug him, but the next thing I know I’ve got my arms around Giles and I’m hugging him like there’s no tomorrow. It felt weird, sure, but there isn’t any other way to show how grateful I am for all the things he’s done for me the past couple of months. I feel him laugh a little and it snaps me outta it and I let him go.

“I will be returning to Sunnydale, Faith, but as of tomorrow this will be _your_ home. I expect the same kind of hospitality I’ve given to you when I do return for a visit.”

“Of course.”

Giles started laying down a few minor rules and expectations, mostly when it came to slaying. I listened, or at least tried to, but the alcohol I’d consumed at the Bronze was making things a little fuzzy as it started to wear off. I look around the living room and notice he’s already packed up most of his books, his record collection and a few pieces of artwork and statues he’d had. I have to wonder what he’s leaving behind, but from the looks of it, he’s leaving behind the furniture, books that have no importance or value to him, stuff like that.

“I’m certain that Anya can use your help at the Magic Box. I will have a word with her in the morning about paying you a fair wage.”

“G, as much as I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, I think I oughta find a job on my own,” I reply and I laugh lightly at the thought of working for Anya. Terrifying.

“I will still speak with her about it in case you are unable to find another suitable job on your own. Did you have anything in particular in mind, Faith?”

“Not sure yet,” I shrug. “I’m not really good at anything other than slaying and I don’t have any experience in anything. Never had an actual job before.”

Giles nods and frowns slightly; most likely thinking of the file the Council had sent him on me shortly after I first arrived in Sunnydale years ago. I know about the file ‘cause he showed it to me about a month ago. Everything that ever happened in my life was written down, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I got about three pages in before I stopped reading. I know my past and there are some things in it that I’ve buried inside of me so deeply I’ve forgotten about them by choice. Kind of makes me nervous knowing that Giles knows me as well as he does and all from some file the Council had kept on me.

He’s been too good to me for the last four months. I want to mention what I overheard the Scoobs talking about in the Bronze, but I don’t. Giles has enough on his plate right now with packing up his life here in Sunnydale to return to England. I decide to change the subject, asking about what he plans to do once he’s back at home in England. I try not to nod off while he tells me of the plans he has to reacquaint himself with old friends over a real cup of English tea.

I don’t wanna say it, but I’m gonna miss him when he’s gone.


	6. Chapter Six

** Chapter Six **

 

I trail behind the Scooby gang as we leave the airport after an emotional goodbye. I held it together, keeping to myself, already having said my goodbyes to Giles that morning. I thought for sure Dawn would’ve cried when she said her goodbyes to Giles, but she’s a tough kid and held it together. It was hard seeing them saying goodbye to him, not knowing when they’d be seeing him next. In the past four months I’ve seen how close they all are, like family with Giles as their father-figure.

“Can we stop for burgers and milkshakes?” Dawn asks as we walk across the parking lot to Xander’s car.

“What do you say, gang?” Xander asks all of us and I’m the only one who says no. “We’ll see you later, Faith?”

“Later for what?”

“At the Magic Box? You were going to go and train today like you do every day, right?”

I nod my head and flash a smile his way. “I’ll see you guys later,” I say to the gang and I head to where Giles parked his car and I fish the keys out of my jacket pocket. I barely get the keys in the lock when Willow comes over and stops me from getting in the car. “What’s up, Red?”

“I think maybe we should all take a couple of days off,” she begins and I raise an eyebrow at her, waiting to elaborate on what she means. “It’s been slow lately, right? Maybe tonight you oughta skip patrol and go out and do something fun. Oh, maybe you can go to the Bronze and flirt with that hot bartender you were making moon eyes with the other night?”

I laugh ‘cause it’s hard not to when Willow gets like this. “You thought Olivia was hot, Red? Wonder what Tara would think of your little revelation.”

“It’s obvious,” Willow says nervously and she quickly puts on her resolve face. “Faith, Giles isn’t here anymore to tell you what to do. I say take a night or two off, relax and have some fun for a change. You’ve done nothing but train and patrol _all_ summer.”

I decide to cut her some slack. I know what she’s trying to do especially after I overheard their conversation in the Bronze last night. “Fine, Red, I’ll take the night off and go have some fun. A little R and R wouldn’t hurt, huh?”

“Great,” she smiles and she almost reaches out to hug me, but stops herself when she realizes what she’s doing and pats me on the shoulder instead. “So, we’ll see you later at the Magic Box then?”

I nod and get into the car, grinning as I slip the key into the ignition. Giles has only let me drive his car once before and that was right after I went down to the DMV and got my license two months ago. I give Willow a little wave goodbye before I pull out of the parking spot and head for the exit, cranking the radio as soon as I’m out on the road.

Now, I’m not the world’s greatest driver, I’ll admit that much, and the one and only time I drove with Giles, he was holding on for life and later joked that all slayers must be bad drivers, a reference to Buffy I’m sure. He even looked a little guilty having made a joke on her behalf, but I got him out of his funk by nearly crashing into a semi at the next intersection. Good times. Don’t blame Giles for not letting me drive his car after that and believe me when I say I was shocked when he handed me the keys when we got to the airport and asked me to take care of his car for him while he was gone.

I cruise around Sunnydale for a while, the novelty of finally being able to drive wearing off pretty damn fast. I head for the Magic Box and park around in the back. I grab the swords that Wes gave me before I left LA from under the backseat. I hardly used them so far, haven’t had the need, but a little bit of training with them on the dummy Xander made especially for me wouldn’t hurt.

The Magic Box is still closed so I got the place to myself for a while until Anya shows up. She wouldn’t shut up this morning about the fact that it was basically her shop now even though Giles is still a partner. A silent partner at that. I walk into the training room and crank the radio once I turn it on. I quickly change into my sweats and start with a few warm-ups to get my muscles loose.

I let myself get lost in the pounding music blaring from the radio, but it does nothing to stop the million or so thoughts from invading my mind. So much has changed in the last four months. Sometimes it feels like it’s almost _too_ much. I keep wondering every day when Angel will come back from wherever he’s gone off to. Every day I expect to get that phone call from him, telling me he’s back in LA. I kinda miss him. Got used to those visits of his while I was in prison and I miss just talking to him, whether it’s the heavy shit or random funny shit that both leaves us laughing so hard we’re in tears.

I can’t shake the feeling that every time I get someone who genuinely cares about me--or make it out that they do--they leave me hanging, leave me to face life on my own without any kind of guidance I ain’t gonna deny that I need. But I’m still determined to change things, to change _me_ , and if that means I gotta do it on my own from here on out, then so be it.

****

Soon as nightfall hits, I’m walking the streets of Sunnydale alone. The Bronze turned out to be a bust, deader than ever which ain’t surprising since it’s Tuesday. I find myself just up the street from Willy’s bar and I head there with hopes maybe a couple of vamps will rub me the wrong way and I’d have a chance to dust them. Now, I’m not normally one to “socialize” with the things I should be killing, but tonight is my night off and I just want to go somewhere where I can have a couple of drinks and forget about the outside world for a while.

Tonight is also the night that whatever the Scoobs have planned is going down. I almost want to track them down and find out what they’re up to, but I don’t. I even had the lingering thought to head over to the Summers’ house earlier and check up on Dawn while Spike is there “hanging out” with her, keeping her “safe”, but I didn’t. For whatever fucked up reason, the Scooby gang trusts this creep and nothing I say can change that. I just gotta wait for him to make one wrong move, one mistake, and he’s dust.

“Ah, Slayer, what brings you here tonight?” Willy asks nervously when I walk in his bar and sit down on the second last stool at the end. “What can I get ya?”

“Jack and Coke,” I reply smoothly. “No ice.”

“No slayer business tonight?”

“Taking the night off.”

“Good good,” he chuckles as he makes my drink and sets the glass down in front of me.

I roll my eyes and take a sip of my drink as I look around at Willy’s customers. Most are vamps just coming in for a drink or ten. They all look nervous when I make eye-contact with them and it makes me laugh. I didn’t come here to cover Willy’s bar with dust, unfortunately. I came here for a couple of drinks to take the edge off.

What I didn’t expect to see when I came here tonight was Spike. Far as I know, he was supposed to be over at the Summers’ house, keeping an eye on Dawn. I knock back my drink and stalk over to the table he’s sitting at and I slam my fists down on the table to get his attention.

“Bloody hell, Slayer,” he gasps as he looks up at me. “A simple hello would’ve been fine, you know.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Having a drink, what does it look like?”

“What about Dawn?”

“What about her?” Spike asks and I really want to throw him around a little right now. “She’s a big girl. Convinced me she could look after herself while the original Scooby gang has some top secret meeting that I see you haven’t been invited to either.”

“Shut up,” I snap at him and I grab him by the collar of his coat, pulling him out of his chair before he can even blink. “Come on, we’re going to the Summers’ house and keep an eye on Dawn.”

“I’m not some bloody glorified babysitter, Slayer.”

“Neither am I, but I know if something happens to her, neither of us will be able to live with that kind of guilt.”

“Bloody hell,” Spike mutters under his breath and he pulls out a couple of bills from his pocket and hands them to Willy as we make our way towards the door.

Spike lights up a cigarette as soon as we’re outside and offers me the lit one while he pulls out another from his metal pack. I take it and we walk in silence the few blocks to the Summers’ house. The lights are on in the house and it’s quiet other than the sound of Dawn’s excited voice coming from the kitchen. I make my way inside without knocking first and I creep up on Dawn, scaring the crap out of her.

I laugh when she drops the phone and screams and as soon as she realizes that it’s me, she throws a pretty hard punch to my arm. I wince a little since she’d got a hard punch for a kid and she picks up the phone, hangs up, and punches me again in the same spot.

“Faith! What’d you go and scare me like that for?”

“Testing your reflexes, Kiddo.”

“Ugh. Whatever. I totally knew it was you.”

I raise an eyebrow at that and she rolls her eyes. I can hear Spike come in the house and Dawn crosses her arms over her chest, not looking amused at all.

“I told him I don’t need a babysitter,” she says and I shrug and lean against the counter. “Faith, come on, I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t need to be looked after like I’m a baby. I don’t need any of you to protect me. It’s not like I’m the Key anymore, or if I am, I don’t open anything.”

“You know that’s not why Willow wanted Spike to come hang out with you tonight, Dawn,” I say calmly and she groans loudly. “I know you’re not some little kid anymore, but there’s a lot of nasty shit out there that’d just love to snatch a pretty young girl like yourself for dinner.”

“They should’ve just got you to come over. At least when you’re here, it doesn’t feel like your babysitting me. It feels like we’re hanging out.”

“Which is exactly what Spike was coming here to do earlier before you conned him into believing he didn’t need to be here,” I point out and Dawn throws her hands up in the air in defeat. “Look, if Buffy was still around, she wouldn’t want you here on your own. You know that.”

“Well she’s not here anymore so it doesn’t matter what she’d want.”

I shrug off my jacket, not in the mood to argue with her. She’s stubborn like Buffy was and the more I hang around her, the more I see Buffy in her. It’s kind of scary actually. Dawn storms out of the kitchen and I can hear her and Spike talking in the living room. More like Dawn arguing the fact that neither of us need to be here right now with her. Spike is trying to convince her just to forget about the fact that we’re here to babysit her and promises that he’ll teach her how to play poker tonight.

I search the fridge for something to eat and pull out a box of leftover pizza. There’s only a couple slices left, barely enough to sate my sudden hunger. I pull out my wallet and find a couple twenty dollar bills, leftover from the money Angel had given to me four months ago. I order us some Chinese before I join them in the living room.

“Do you know how to play?” Dawn asks as I take a seat on the couch next to her. “Spike is teaching me how to play poker.”

“Sure I know how to play,” I say with a smile. “Spike, you better not be teaching her how to cheat.”

“I don’t bloody cheat when there are no kittens involved!”

Dawn and I both roll our eyes and burst out laughing. I got a funny feeling that tonight might not turn out to be so bad after all, even if Spike is here with us and looking like he isn’t planning to leave anytime soon. It isn’t long before Dawn grows bored of learning how to play poker and Spike gives up trying to convince her that it can be fun once she knows how to play properly. We eat when the Chinese food I ordered finally shows up and Spike heads out for a cigarette on the back porch while I help Dawn clean up the mess we made.

“What do you think they’re having a meeting about?” Dawn asks as I fill the sink up with soap and water. “How come you aren’t there with them?”

“I don’t know, Kiddo.”

“They’ve been acting really strange for the past couple of days.”

“Haven’t noticed it,” I reply with a shrug and turn off the water. “Whatever it is they’re meeting about, I’m sure we’ll find out about it after.”

“I doubt it. All they’ve been doing since Buffy died is keep secrets from me.”

“They’re only doing it to protect you.”

“Protect me from what?!”

I sigh softly. “I don’t know, Dawn. I’m kept in the dark as much as you are these days.”

She’s pissed off and she’s not afraid to show it and let it be known, yet she doesn’t go on about it like I expect her to and we’re quiet as we wash up the dishes. She has my mind rolling in a dozen or so thoughts and theories of why I wasn’t at this meeting with the rest of the Scoobs and how much else I’ve been left in the dark about.

Giles told me before to give the others some time to fully embrace me in their little circle of trust, as Xander put it during a meeting once. My patience is wearing thin these days and with this secret Scooby meeting, it’s nearing the last straw.

When everything is cleaned up and put away, we head for the living room and I flip on the TV. Spike is sitting in the chair and using the deck of cards to play solitaire on the coffee table. Dawn is complaining that she’s bored out of her mind, but I ignore her whining and so does Spike. He gets up to leave after about an hour of us sitting there doing nothing. I’m relieved he’s gone and I hope he doesn’t come back tonight. I’ve tried to stay civilized mostly for Dawn’s sake.

She heads up to bed just after midnight and I head for the kitchen to reheat some of the leftover Chinese food. Everything is quiet aside from the sounds coming from the TV. I glance at the clock while my food heats up in the microwave, wondering when the hell Willow and Tara are gonna come home. Any time I’ve been in this house, I get this feeling in my gut like I’m not welcome here. It’s a hard feeling to shake off and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna take a helluva long time to wear off.

I hear the roar of a motorcycle rip through the neighbourhood and within seconds after that, I can hear windows being smashed and car alarms going off. I leave my food where it is still warming in the microwave and shut off the lights as I make my way to the front door. I open it enough to poke my head out and I see just what is out there. Demons on bikes. Hellions.

Just fucking great.

“Faith, what’s going on?” Dawn asks sleepily as she makes her way down the stairs. “Faith?”

“Shut up,” I hiss as I close the door and lock it. “Demons,” I say under my breath and I make my way over to the weapons chest in the living room. I pull out an axe, wishing I had my swords with me, and I grab a few stakes and a knife I slide into the sheath that’s built into my boot. “Dawn, go back upstairs.”

“No,” she says as she crosses her arms over her chest. “What are they doing out there?”

“Doing what they do best,” I whisper and I raise the axe when the front door swings open. “Spike, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Did you know there’s Hellions out there?” He asks, whipping around to lock the door behind him. “Barely made it here without being spotted.”

“What are you waiting for?” I ask him and point to the weapons chest. “Grab your weapon of choice and let’s go out there and stop them.”

“Are you mad? There’s a whole bloody gang of Hellions out there. A slayer and a vampire is not enough to take them out.”

“We can’t just stand here and do nothing, Spike,” I say, growing more irritated by the second. I’m feeling anxious to get out there and kick some demon ass. “Dawn?”

She’s no longer standing on the stairs and in a second she emerges from her room. “I had to change,” she says like it’s not a big deal. “And I don’t care what you two say, I’m coming with you.”

Spike is already out the front door as soon as he grabs the crossbow and the other axe. I stay in the house with Dawn, waiting for the right moment to slip out without being seen. My first priority is getting Dawn somewhere safe, but from the looks of things on Revello Drive, maybe the rest of Sunnydale won’t fare much better with the Hellions in town. My second priority is finding the rest of the Scooby gang and make sure they’re safe. Third priority is killing these bastards.

Any other time there’d just be one priority and that was go for the kill, not making sure my friends are safe. Things sure do change. I’m pretty sure Angel would be proud of me if he was around.

I spot Spike in the middle of the road and I almost shout out to him that he’s a crazy bastard for calling attention to himself like that. But, as a lone Hellion drives down the road towards him, I know exactly what he’s about to do before he even does it. He hits the Hellion right in the forehead with the crossbow before he kicks him off his motorcycle. It crashes into the curb and I pull Dawn out of the house.

“Go with Spike,” I say to her quickly and I pick up an old football helmet from the ground and put it on her head. “Don’t argue with me, Dawnie. Go with Spike. I’m going to go find the others.”

“Faith?” Dawn calls out as she runs down to where Spike is waiting for her. “Be safe, okay?”

“I’ll be five by five, Kiddo, don’t worry about me.”

I wait until they’re out of sight before I head for the center of town. The Hellions sure have done a number destroying just about everything in sight. Shop windows are broken, cars on fire with their windshields smashed, and garbage is littering the streets. I move quickly, not wanting to be caught facing a group of those demons on my own. One or two I can handle, but anymore and the Scooby gang is gonna have to welcome a new Slayer to Sunnydale.

The Magic Box has been left untouched and I use my key to let myself in the back door. I’m quick to duck out of the way of the sword flying towards my head, no thanks to Anya.

“Jesus, trying to kill me?” I ask as I pull the sword out of her hands. “What are you doing here? Where are the others?”

“We lost them in the woods,” Tara says as she comes out from behind a bookshelf.

“They were right behind us!”

“Wait,” I say as I stare at both of them. They look frazzled, dirty, and tired. “What the hell were you guys doing out in the woods tonight?”

Neither says a word, but I get the feeling it has to do with their secret Scooby meeting. I shake my head and hand the sword back to Anya.

“I’m going back out there,” I say as I reach for the doorknob. “Stay here and stay safe. I’ll come back here and check up on you guys later.”

“Faith?” Tara says shakily as she reaches out for me. “Be careful out there, please?”

“Don’t you worry about me. Careful is my middle name,” I say with a wink and I open the door and step outside quickly.

“Careful is her middle name? That’s a stupid middle name,” Anya says and I chuckle as I close the door behind me.

I stick to the back alleys, staying out of sight for as long as I can as I make my way through town. I head for Restfield cemetery, not sure why, but the pull is strong and I let it lead me there. I can hear the Hellions off in the distance, but I ignore them and continue onwards. The cemetery is dead quiet when I walk in and I relax a little bit and come to a stop by Spike’s crypt. There’s no sign of the motorcycle he stole from the Hellion and there’s no sign that he and Dawn were ever here.

I continue on, walking slowly through the cemetery, keeping my eyes and ears peeled for any kind of movement. It’s dead in here and yet the pull that brought me here is getting stronger by the minute. It takes me a couple of minutes to realize that the buzz I feel deep inside of me is familiar and it’s something I haven’t felt in over a year. It’s a different kind of buzz than what I feel whenever there’s baddies around. It’s that feeling I used to get whenever I was near Buffy.

“This is ridiculous,” I mutter to myself. “Buffy is _dead_.”

I can’t ignore the pull that keeps me going deeper into the cemetery. I feel like I’m on autopilot as I walk through the dark, quiet cemetery. I realize after a couple of minutes just which direction I’m headed in. Buffy’s grave.

I’ve never been there, but I know exactly where it is. All I’ve done since I’ve come to Sunnydale is avoid that area of the cemetery all together, but tonight I’m being pulled there by some unseen force, as if it’s telling me that that is where I need to be right now. As strange as it is, it’s hard to ignore it and I don’t even bother fighting it. There are always strange things happening around the Hellmouth. Before it used to drive me crazy, now I just go with it instead of fighting how it makes me feel.

I stop before I reach the path that leads down through a grove of trees where just on the other side is Buffy’s grave. I’m shaking like I’m terrified of what’ll be there on the other side of those trees waiting for me. I know that I’m not actually terrified, but that’s what it feels like right now. I pull out my pack of cigarettes out of the front pocket of my jacket and light one with a shaky hand, the flame of the lighter nearly blowing out from the sudden gust of wind before I can get my cigarette lit.

I can hear the Hellions only faintly. They’re in town cheering and I momentarily worry about the Scooby gang, about Dawn and whether Spike is protecting her and keeping her somewhere safe. I wonder if I should go off in search of Xander and Willow or if they’ve made it to the Magic Box and are safe as houses.

But I can’t move from where I’m standing, the pull becoming stronger by the minute. I give in and walk down the path through the trees, taking each step with caution. The axe I’m carrying feels heavier with every step I take and I flick my cigarette to the ground and crush it out with the heel of my boot. As I lift my eyes, I can see someone just up ahead. It’s nothing more than a shadow so I can’t tell who--or what--it is.

I talk a couple steps closer, yet I’m still too far away to see who it is standing there. What I can see is that this person--this woman judging from the dress and heels and the long blonde hair--is standing right in front of Buffy’s grave. A chill runs through my body as I move closer, taking each step with caution and a bit of fear of who--or what--I’ll find.

I feel the blood drain from my face and my heart clench, almost stopping when the woman turns around. It’s Buffy. She looks scared. She’s dirty and there are tears rolling down her dirt stained cheeks. She blinks a couple of times, but doesn’t say anything to me. She turns back around and looks down at her headstone on her grave. I want to say something, even just call out her name, but the words don’t come out when I open my mouth to speak.

I feel like I’m in shock. I don’t even know if this is real. Maybe the Hellions got me and I’m dead, or I’m knocked out cold and this is nothing but a dream. I know it’s not and I know it’s real. I know because my heart feels like it’s trapped in a vice and the buzz I only ever felt when I was near her is stronger than ever, so strong it’s making me a little dizzy.

“Buffy?” I finally find my voice and she turns around to look at me. She’s frightened and I drop the axe to the ground and hold up my hands to show I won’t hurt her. “Buffy?” I try again and she backs up, each step she takes a little wobbly and unsure.

And then she turns and starts running as fast as she can, looking back to see if I’m right behind her.

And I am right behind her ‘cause there’s no way I’m letting her just run off on her own, not now, not tonight, and not when I don’t know how she’s even back, how she’s even _alive_.


	7. Chapter Seven

** Chapter Seven **

 

I run through the streets of Sunnydale, every once in a while catching sight of Buffy, but only for a second before she disappeared around another corner, or into an alley before I can even catch up to her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up, but I can’t let her out of my sight for too long.

I stop to catch my breath, the sharp pangs in my chest reminding me that even though I’m a slayer, smoking is definitely one of those habits I oughta give up soon. I glance up ahead and I see her heading to the alley that runs right behind the Magic Box. I don’t run since I have a feeling that I don’t need to if I want to catch up with her this time. The alley is dark and quiet and I can see her huddled by a stack of crates just outside the back door of the Magic Box.

I don’t get too close to her and I notice her hands are all torn up and bleeding. When she sees me looking at them, she looks down and quickly tries to hide them behind her. She’s shaking, likely terrified, and she’s breathing heavily from trying to run away from me. She looks feral, ready to attack while on the verge of tears. She also looks like she’s ready to run again. No way in hell I’m chasing her around Sunnydale.

“Buffy, stop,” I say gently as I reach out for her before she can run past me. “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m here to help you.”

She shakes her head no, like she doesn’t believe it and I can’t blame her for thinking that especially when she’s face to face with me, her former one-time enemy who did nothing but hurt her, her family, and her friends.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” I say again as I hold on to her and stare right into her eyes. “Let me help you.”

“Faith?”

I fight the urge to smile. I didn’t realize how good it’d feel to hear her voice again. Her face twists into pure rage and I let go of her before she starts to fight me again. She doesn’t run this time, but she takes a few steps back from me. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with her right now. I do know that I don’t want her to run off by herself. She’s disoriented and hurt and I have no idea if she’s _her_ or if she’s come back as something else. I take a few deep breaths and just stare at her and she does the same. The tears have stopped and she looks down at her hands and winces in pain.

I take a step forward and she flinches so I stop where I am. I don’t want her to run off again. “Buffy?” I try again, hoping to get through to her this time. “Let me help you.”

“Is this hell?” Her voice is hoarse and quiet. “Is this hell, Faith?”

“Nah, just Sunnydale, B.”

She shakes her head as if she doesn’t believe me and takes another step backwards. She’s shaking like a leaf now and I don’t know if it’s ‘cause she’s cold or scared or traumatized. Possibly all three. She tenses when the sounds of footsteps echo through the alley and she backs right up to the wall and crouches down by the crates as if she’s trying to hide herself from whatever is coming towards us.

I’m suddenly wishing I didn’t drop my axe back in the cemetery. Two Hellions are headed straight for us, a third not much further behind. They’re armed with chains, pipes, and bats and all I’ve got in the knife stashed in my boot. I want this fight to be over quickly and I glance over at Buffy as she slowly stands up, her face hard as she sees the Hellions circle around us.

I reach down, pull the knife out of my boot, and twirl it in my hands as the three Hellions stop just a few feet in front of us. I’m not in the mood for any exchange of words and I make the first move, swiping the knife at the ugliest Hellion of the three. It cuts him deep enough that he backs up, roaring in pain as his gnarly hands reach up to his face.

“You’ll pay for that,” he growls and motions for the other two to attack.

I leap over them, planning to lead them away from Buffy, but it doesn’t quite work. The leader goes for her as the other two try to grab a hold of me. I kick the one on my left in the knee, sending him down and I grab the other by the arm and twist it around, using my knife to slice open his neck. I push myself off the demon as he falls to the ground, bleeding to death and I grab the other that’s still down and struggling to get up on what I know is a broken leg.

I blink and the next thing I know the Hellion leader is being thrown clear across the alley and I look at Buffy and she’s breathing hard, her hands shaking at her sides. I can’t stop myself from grinning at her before I yank the Hellion up from his knees and waste no time in pulling the pipe out of his hand and jamming it through his chest. I kick him down and pull the chains off the first one I killed and I move towards the leader. He’s struggling to get up from the ground quickly and just when I think I got him, he kicks me hard in the chest and sends me stumbling backwards.

I try to catch my breath but the damn demon knocked the wind outta me. The pain is intense, but I know it’ll be gone in a couple of seconds. That just gives him a couple of seconds to attack me again. I grunt in pain as I back away from him. Buffy walks past me, grabbing the chains out of my hands and she flings herself at him, throwing a few hard punches to his ugly face. He reaches out blindly for me while trying to fight her off and I get caught on the wrong end of his fist.

I taste blood and I spit it out. I get my second wind and I move to help Buffy take the leader out. He’s a strong fucker, but with the two of us I _know_ we’re gonna walk away and he’s just gonna be another dead demon when we’re done with him.

I leap onto his back and we get the chain around his meaty neck and pull as hard as we can. I can feel the life being squeezed outta him and I leap off his back as Buffy pushes off his front. His lifeless body slumps to the ground and I take my knife, stabbing him in the heart just to make sure he stays dead.

“Thanks, B, couldn’t have done it without you,” I say with a smile, but I instantly regret opening my mouth ‘cause she’s off and running down the alley. “Fuck, not again,” I groan and I wipe the blood off my knife on the back of the dead Hellion’s shirt and slide it back into my boot.

I’m so fucking exhausted that I don’t know if I got it in me to give into the chase again. Either way, she proved that she can take care of herself and that coming back from the dead hasn’t set her back too much in the way of fighting demons. I just want to know _how_ she’s back and alive, obviously still kicking despite looking like a wild animal that’s just been let out of its cage. I breathe out heavily and lean up against the wall, feeling the strain of the chase and the fight with the Hellion’s taking a toll on my body. The bastard who punched me in the face made my bottom lip split open and I can feel the inside of my cheek is cut too. I spit out a mouthful of blood and close my eyes as I struggle to find just a sliver of energy left somewhere inside of me.

I start down the alley in the direction Buffy took off in, but my feet feel heavy and my body is screaming at me to stop just for a couple minutes longer. Wherever Buffy is headed, I know one way or another I’ll catch up to her. I whip my head around when I hear a door open a little ways down the alley. I silently pray to the Powers that Be that it’s not any more of those fucking demons. I don’t know if I can fight another one or three just yet. Then I hear voices and I relax when I recognize Anya’s voice.

“Faith! We thought we heard something out here,” Xander says as they walk up to me and I look back at the direction Buffy took off in and she’s outta sight and long gone. “What are you doing here?”

“Taking out the Hellions, what else does it look like?” I snap and I spit the blood that’s been pooling in my mouth out and groan softly. That demon sure packed a hard punch if I’m still feeling it now. “Good to see you and Red made it back safely,” I say after a minute and Xander looks back at the others, looking a bit nervous.

“Yeah we uh, we went for a picnic out in the woods when those demons attacked us and we--”

“Stop. Just _stop_. I know you’re lying to me,” I say, stopping him from spurting out more bullshit. “Why don’t you tell me what the hell you guys were really doing out there, huh?”

“Faith, we--”

I look over at Willow and she shuts right up. “Don’t you dare fucking lie to me,” I say through gritted teeth and suddenly it hits me. They have something to do with Buffy being back from the dead. There’s no other logical reason. I might not be the brightest of the bunch, but I can put the pieces of the puzzle together pretty damn quickly. “Someone gonna tell me what you were up to tonight or do I gotta start playing twenty-fucking-questions here?”

Nobody seems to want to step forward and I shake my head at what fucking cowards they’re being right now.

“Tell you what, when one of you guys grows a pair, come find me and tell me what the hell you were up to tonight. I’m outta here,” I say angrily and I head for the street, wondering which way Buffy headed after she left me back there in the alley.

I try to concentrate on the pull that led me to Buffy in the first place. It’s faint, but I can feel it. I round a corner and I spot her up ahead, walking past the fence towards the structure the crazy people built for Glory. I take a deep breath and start running towards her, having a sinking feeling she’s going to do something completely stupid like go and get herself killed again.

I catch up to her before she reaches the shifty looking tower and I grab her by her shoulders and force her to turn around and look at me. She’s got that look in her eyes, the same look she had when she asked me if she was in hell. I almost literally can feel my heart fucking breaking for her right now. I gotta keep it together and stay strong. Not just for me, but for her. I pull her away from the stairs that lead up the tower and she nearly collapses in my arms. I do what my instinct tells me, to catch her before she falls and I just hold her as we both sink to our knees.

I don’t say a word to her, I just kneel there and hold her as the tears come pouring out. Whatever she’s going through right now, she doesn’t need to be hounded with a million questions I’m sure she can’t even answer. She smells like a newbie vamp almost, with the fresh dirt that is caked in her hair and on her dress and her skin. I try to forget that fresh out of the coffin smell that’s filling my senses and focus on the faintest scent of what makes her _Buffy_. It’s something I’d never forget, that mixture of vanilla, peaches, and something else I can’t just put my finger on.

“Faith?” Buffy whispers against my shoulder, but she doesn’t pull away. “Why is this happening?”

“What’s that, B?”

“This is hell.”

I shake my head and push her back just enough so I can look into her eyes. “It’s not hell, Buffy.”

“Why does it feel like it is?”

I shrug as she blinks and leans back, her arms dropping from around me in a flash. She stands up and I’m right behind her as she heads for the street, still looking disoriented and lost. I seriously need to get her off the streets and somewhere safe. I can’t take her back to her house. There’d be far too many fucking questions from Dawn if she’s gone back home and I just can’t deal with her or the Scooby gang right now.

I take Buffy by the hand and I close my eyes for a second to get used to the feeling of her energy and touching her. It’s stronger than ever and I don’t know why, don’t even know if I wanna know why just yet. I lead the way towards the apartment and I’m a bit surprised she doesn’t question where I’m taking her. It almost feels like she trusts me and it’s a feeling I can safely say I’ve never felt coming from her before. I could be mistaken, sure, but I’m gonna take what I can get right now before she comes to her senses and starts beating the hell out of me.

Everything about tonight feels like it’s been pulled straight out of one helluva fucked up nightmare and I know the night is far from over at this point. I make it back to the apartment and Buffy just stands at the front door while I walk in and pull my jacket off. I turn to look at her as I drape my jacket over the back of the chair at the desk. She’s staring at me intensely, but it doesn’t last. Her attention shifts to where I’ve taken her and she looks confused as she walks over to the nearly empty bookshelves and picks up a framed picture Giles accidentally left behind. It’s one of her, Willow, Xander, and Giles, all sitting around in Sunnydale High’s library and smiling. Happier times I guess.

Buffy doesn’t say a word as she places the picture back down. She doesn’t turn around either, but I can hear her crying softly. I don’t know what to do, what to say. I’m not prepared for dealing with her--or anyone else for that matter--while she’s going through something I have zero experience with. I know there’s probably a lot going on in that head of hers, probably thoughts she can’t even make any sense of. I know she’s feeling so many things too, it’s written all over her in the most subtle little ways.

“B?” I whisper after what feels like an eternity of silence between us. “Why don’t you go have a shower, get cleaned up and I’ll find you a change of clothes?”

Nothing. Not a word. Not even a flinch or any kind of acknowledgement that she’s heard me.

I grab my bag and start going through it, looking for something that’ll fit Buffy. I pull out a pair of grey sweatpants and a plain black tank. It’s not her style, but it’s clean and comfortable at least. I walk up behind her and I breathe in deeply as she finally turns around to look at me.

She looks at me questionably and she takes the clothes in my hands. She stares down at them for a second before she steps past me and heads for the bathroom. I wait until I hear the lock click on the bathroom door before I head into the kitchen and grab myself a cold beer outta the fridge. I’m shaking ‘cause I don’t know what I’m gonna do with Buffy right now. I don’t know how to tell her--to convince her that this isn’t hell, especially not after what she’s seen since I found her.

I find a first aid kit in the desk and I place it on the coffee table before I head over to the window and open it. My hands are still shaking as I light a cigarette and listen to the sounds of the water running in the bathroom. When the water stops, I put out the cigarette and just stand there, sipping my beer and wait for Buffy to come out of the bathroom. When she finally does, she’s wearing the clothes I’d given her and she has a towel in her hand, drying her hair as she walks out to the living room.

“Where’s Giles?” She asks, her voice soft and quiet. “Does he know you’re here?”

“He’s in England. Just left this afternoon actually and yes, B, he knows I’m here.”

“Oh.”

I pick up the first aid kit and walk over to her. “Can I fix those up for ya?” I ask and point down to her hands. She looks down at them as she drops the towel, her hands shaking as her eyes fill up with tears. “I’ll be gentle,” I add, smiling a little at her as I try to put her at ease.

“Okay,” she says after a moment and sits down on the couch. I move a few things off the coffee table and sit down in front of her as I pull out some gauze and the mercurochrome.

I carefully clean the wounds on her hands, noticing they’re already starting to heal which is another sure sign she’s still very much the slayer she always was before. I can feel her eyes on me, staring me down, probably wondering when I’m gonna turn on her and try to kill her. That trust I felt from her earlier was almost gone now and I can’t blame her. I think she’s starting to be more aware of what’s going on around her and something tells me things are gonna go from bad to worse in a matter of minutes.

She barely flinches though as I finish cleaning her hands and I carefully wrap the gauze around her knuckles. I clean up the mess I’ve made and stand up slowly, glancing down at her as she leans back on the couch and closes her eyes. I put the first aid kit back in the desk where I found it and I grab a cold beer out of the fridge before I walk back out to the living room and take a seat in the arm chair furthest away from where she’s sitting.

“Why are you doing this?”

“What’s that, B?”

“Why are you being _nice_ to me?”

I don’t know how to answer her, so I don’t. I try not to stare at her for too long and I take a few sips of my beer before I place it down on the coffee table in front of me. I start to fidget with the hem of my shirt, my eyes betraying me as I glance over at her and let my gaze linger for a few long seconds.

I feel exhausted and after the way tonight has been going, I get that feeling that I’m not gonna be getting much--if any--sleep tonight. I try not to yawn and I sigh in frustration as I lean back in the chair and prop my feet up on the edge of the coffee table. Buffy is staring at me now and it’s making me feel a little self-conscious. I don’t know what she’ll do once she snaps out of the stupor she seems to be stuck in. The knife is still in my boot, but I quickly shake those thoughts away since I know there’s no way I’d pull it out and use it on her even if it comes down to defending myself.

“Do ya need anything?” I ask her, hoping to break the awkward silence for a few minutes at least. “Water or something? Maybe some food?”

“No,” she says with a shake of her head. “You never answered my question, Faith. Why are you being so nice to me?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, B, you’re back.” She just stares at me and raises an eyebrow like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. “You’re back from the _dead_.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

I sigh heavily, not sure how to answer her. I’m never sure when it comes to her. At least I know _something_ hasn’t changed. I take another sip of my beer and I just stare at her, trying to figure her out.

“Faith? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me.”

“Then why won’t you answer my question?”

“Can’t I just be nice to you for once?” I ask and she crosses her arms over her chest. “Things have changed, B, in case you haven’t noticed that yet. But if you keep talking to me like that, the whole me being nice thing? Consider that over.”

Buffy opens her mouth as if she’s going to say something back to me, but she quickly closes her mouth again and looks down at her hands in her lap. When she looks back up at me, we make eye-contact and I almost want to look away but I don’t. I sit there and drink my beer, finding it increasingly hard as the seconds tick past to take my eyes off her. I don’t remember the last time she ever looked right back at me for more than a second or two. We always had a hard time keeping eye-contact and I never thought of why that could be until now. Was it because she hated me? Was it because of all the things I’ve done to her and her friends? Or was there a hundred other reasons why?

I have a funny feeling I may never find the answers I’m looking for.

She looks away first, glancing back down at her hands in her lap. She opens her mouth to say something, but all that comes out is a soft, choked crying sound. I feel a knot form in the pit of my stomach and I don’t know why. I guess maybe I’m feeling sorry for her, sorry that she has to go through all of this with me and not one of her friends or her sister like she should be.

“I’m kind of tired,” she says as she lifts her eyes to look back over at me.

“Uh, pretty sure Giles changed the sheets this morning so if ya wanna head up there, you can take the bed tonight. Unless ya want me to take you home?”

“I’m not ready to go home yet, Faith.”

“Okay.”

I leave it at that and watch her as she makes her way up the stairs to Giles’ room--well, I guess it’s _my_ room now technically. I down the rest of my beer and head for the kitchen to get another. I know the worst thing I could do tonight of all nights is get a few drinks in me, but I’m beyond the point of giving a fuck about that right now.

I take my beer with me out to the courtyard and I sit there, listening to the quietness of the night. A sense of relief comes over me when I realize that the Hellion Gang has definitely fled town. One less problem to worry about now.

I wonder if I should call Willow, force her to explain everything to me once I tell her that Buffy is here, alive and sleeping in Giles’ bed, clearly traumatized from wherever she’d been while she was dead. I wonder if I should avoid involving Willow completely and call the number Giles left for me to get in touch with him and tell him what I know--which isn’t much and I know he probably wouldn’t believe me when I tell him Buffy’s back from the dead. And then I wonder if I should just let her stay here tonight and worry about what’ll happen tomorrow once tomorrow comes.

And then I wonder how this is gonna change things.

Oh, who am I kidding? It’s gonna change _everything_.


	8. Chapter Eight

** Chapter Eight **

 

I sat out there in the courtyard for the rest of the night and didn’t even head back inside until the birds started chirping and the sun started to rise over the horizon. I head back inside, expecting Buffy to have left sometime in the last couple of hours, but I’m surprised to find her sitting at the counter eating a banana and staring blankly at the newspaper from yesterday morning.

She doesn’t even acknowledge me as I head for the fridge and pull out the carton of orange juice and I pour myself a glass. I desperately need some coffee and I search the cupboards for the new can I _know_ is in there somewhere. As soon as I find it, I make up a pot and turn the coffee maker on. It isn’t until it starts to brew that I turn around to look over at Buffy and find her staring right at me.

“You hungry for something more than a banana, B?” I ask her as I turn around and pull a carton of eggs and a package of bacon out of the fridge. “G loved it when I’d whip up bacon and eggs.”

“You can cook?”

“Of course I can,” I laugh. “So, what do ya say? Let me make you some breakfast then we’ll talk?”

“Talk?”

“If you’re up to it, I mean,” I say quickly and she nods her head a little as I pull out the frying pan and place it on the stove. “I could call Willow or Dawn, tell them you’re back--”

“No,” she says as she slams her hands on the counter as she stands up. “I--I’m not ready for that.”

I don’t wanna push her into doing something she doesn’t wanna do, but I also don’t want her hanging around here for too long. She needs to be back at home with Dawn, Willow, and Tara, not here with me.

I run a hand through my hair and shake my head. I know there’s one thing I really need to do and that’s to call Giles and tell him what’s going on--at least tell him what I know is going on. I still don’t know _how_ she’s back, but I do get the feeling the Scoobs are behind this. I need to confront them before I talk to Giles though. I need _answers_ and I’m pretty sure Buffy can’t give them to me. She probably doesn’t even know how she’s back here either and I’m guessing she’s probably wondering if this is some kind of punishment being brought back to life.

I don’t wanna push her into talking. If there’s anything I’ve learned since being back in Sunnydale, it’s letting the other party do the talking first. Especially when it comes to the Scooby gang and it’s paid off, I’m a part of them now--or at least that’s what Giles tried to tell me yesterday morning when we had a nice long chat while he finished packing his things.

I can’t help but tense up when Buffy moves to stand next to me as I put the bacon in the pan, the sizzling sound sounding almost deafening in the silence of the apartment. I steal a glance at her out of the corner of my eye and I catch her staring intensely at me. Not gonna lie, it kinda freaks me out with the way she’s been acting since I found her last night. She’s still very much Buffy, but there’s something totally off about her and I think it’s the fact that she is still hanging around here and not kicking my ass to hell and back.

We don’t talk while I make us breakfast. Buffy is still right next to me, watching as I cook. I wonder if she’s watching so closely ‘cause she’s afraid I’ll try to poison her or something. You never know when it comes to Buffy. She probably still thinks I’m still the same old Faith she used to know and I don’t even know where to start to show her that I’m not that Faith anymore.

“It smells good,” Buffy whispers as she peers over my shoulder as I put the bacon on a plate and reach for the eggs. “The bacon, I mean, it smells good.”

I laugh at that. It’s hard not to. “Bet it tastes better than it smells,” I reply and I laugh again when her eyes go wide. “Relax, B. why don’t you grab the bread and pop a few slices in the toaster?”

“Okay.”

“How do you like your eggs, B? Sunny side up, scrambled or over easy?”

“Uh,” she stammers as she drops the bread as soon as she picks it up. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

I shrug and crack a few eggs into the pan. I’m really trying to make things not feel so damn awkward between us, but then again it’s always been like that. Just being around her, being so close to her, it’s putting me on edge and I can’t shake the tension that’s creeping all throughout my body. Sleep or no sleep, I know I definitely need to head down to the Magic Box soon and have a little quality time with the heavy bag to shed the tension I’m feeling right now.

Once the eggs are done, I make both of us up a plate and we sit at the counter and eat. Well, I’m eating and Buffy is just pushing her food around on her plate and muttering how she can’t even make toast without burning it. I don’t say anything about the toast being burnt. I’ve eaten worse.

After I eat, I head for the bathroom to grab a shower, leaving Buffy alone. I turn the water as hot as I can stand and I strip out of my clothes as the steam fills the bathroom. I close my eyes as I step into the tub and pull the curtain closed. The water feels like tiny razors piercing my skin, but it feels hella good. I start to feel the fatigue from the lack of sleep and I turn the water colder, hoping it’ll wake my body up a little bit.

I spend almost half an hour in the shower before the water runs cold. I find Buffy sitting in the same spot I’d left her in and I let out a sigh of relief to see that she’s eaten most of what was on her plate. She thanks me for cooking breakfast and I flash an easy smile at her before I fill the sink with warm, soapy water. I steal a few glances over at her out of the corner of my eye and I’m a bit surprised when she grabs the dish towel and stands next to me. We don’t talk as I wash and rinse the dishes and she dries them and puts them away. I dry off my hands once I pull the plug in the sink and I grab my pack of cigarettes off the desk.

Buffy gives me a look very similar to the one the Giles normally gives me when I get a craving for a cigarette. I just shrug it off and walk over to the window, turning the TV on as I walk past. Buffy walks out of the kitchen a minute later with two mugs of coffee. She hands one to me before she sits down on the couch and starts flipping through the few channels on the TV.

“How long?” Buffy asks me and I turn to look at her, confused at what she’s asking me. “How long was I gone for, Faith?”

“Four months.”

“Oh.”

“How long was it for you where you were?” I ask her and she sighs heavily and stares down at the mug of coffee she’s holding with both hands.

“Longer.”

I get the feeling she doesn’t wanna talk about where she was, so I don’t bother asking her. I know if I spent the last four months trapped in a hell dimension, I wouldn’t come back exactly raving about it or be willing to talk about what it was like.

I try to busy myself, grabbing most of my clothes that aren’t in my bag and lug it up the stairs to the bedroom. I can hear Buffy downstairs as she flips through the channels on the TV. I try to take my mind off the fact that she’s just downstairs, acting like this is _normal_ for her to be here with me. I dump my clothes out on the unmade bed and fold most of them and since I don’t have a whole lot, it doesn’t take me very long to put everything away. I make the bed before I head back downstairs and I grab my empty coffee mug and head to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee.

“I gotta head out soon,” I say to Buffy from the kitchen and I peer over at her as she nods her head. “Are you gonna uh, stay here or you wanna come with?”

“Where are you going?”

“Magic Box.”

“Can I stay here?”

“If you want to,” I reply with a shrug. “But your friends need to know that you’re…back,” I say pointedly and I join her on the couch. “You can’t hide away here forever, B.”

“I know.”

“I’m gonna talk to Willow today,” I say softly and her eyes go wide at that. “I need to find out if she knows how you’re back, B.”

“Okay.”

“Uh, just so you know,” I stammer slightly and I run a hand through my still damp hair. “I’m pretty sure Willow and the gang are gonna be coming over here after I talk to them ‘cause they probably won’t believe me when I tell them that you’re back and very much alive.”

“Am I?”

I nod my head and laugh. “Yeah, you are, unless you’re just a wicked real figment of my imagination here, B.”

That draws a small laugh out of her too and I can’t seem to wipe the stupid smile off my face. What the hell is wrong with me? Buffy’s laughter is short lived of course, but at this point, I’ll take whatever I can get out of her as long as it doesn’t end with her fist in my face. Not gonna lie, I keep waiting for her to snap out of it and realize that it’s _me_ she’s with right now and come to her senses. Why she hasn’t yet, I have no idea, but I keep wondering if maybe she really thinks that this is hell and being stuck here with me is just one of the many perks that this hell has to offer her.

****

Nobody is at the Magic Box when I get there. I let myself in the back door and crank up the radio as I head to the front of the shop. The barred gates are still locked over the windows and the ‘closed’ sign is still up. It’s after ten and I’m left wondering why the hell Anya hasn’t shown up for work yet. She’s normally here hours before she opens. I shrug it off and pick up the mail off the floor in front of the front door. I place it on the counter by the register and head back to the back room. I tape up my hands and head for the heavy bag, more than ready to get out some of the frustration building up inside of me.

Punch, punch, kick, repeat. I’m lost in the beat of the music, timing my punches and kicks to the heavy bass of the song. Sweat rolls down my back, down my forehead and I blink away the tears I feel building up. Just faintly over the music I can hear the phone ringing out in the front of the shop. I want to answer it since I have a feeling its Giles, but I’m under strict warning not to use the phone and I’ve already dealt with the wrath of Anya once before.

The phone doesn’t stop and I know by the time it rings a dozen times that it’s not just a customer. Wrath of Anya or not, I jog to the front of the shop and pick up the phone.

“Magic Box,” I say in a calm and professional voice, just in case it was either a customer or Anya calling. “How may I help you?”

_“Faith?”_

Giles. Knew it.

“Hey, G. How’s jolly old England treating you?”

Our conversation is short lived, but he tells me he just wanted to check up on all of us and let us know that he arrived in England, safe and sound. I want to tell him that Buffy is alive again, but I don’t quite know how to bring it up. Instead, I tell him what happened last night with the gang of Hellions that showed up and started destroying the town. Once he starts complaining that the phone call is going to cost him a “bloody fortune”, I say goodbye and he tells me he’ll be calling again in a couple of days.

I head back to the training room and crank up the music again. It’s not long before I’m lost in the music again, timing each punch, each jab, each kick to the beat. The rest of the world seems to fall away and I’m fine with that. I need to be alone. I need to get out my frustrations the only way I know how to that doesn’t involve drinking myself to the point where I pass out cold somewhere.

Tempting, but that’s just not who I am anymore.

I know I’m not alone anymore when I feel the hair on the back of my neck prickle as someone comes in the door. I know who it is before I even turn around and I grab the heavy bag to stop it from sway, sighing heavily as I shake my head. I turn around and turn off the music and notice right away how badly beaten Spike is. I’m gonna take a wild guess and figure he got in on a good beating from some of the Hellions before they fled town. Spike limps his way to the far corner by the back door, avoiding the morning sunlight that’s pouring in through the windows.

“Spike, what are you doing here?”

“Couldn’t stay in my crypt. Got too much going on inside of here,” he replies and he taps the side of his head before wincing slightly. He’s definitely in a lot of pain, but I don’t feel sorry for him. “Thought I’d take a little walk. Didn’t get too far.”

“Leg looks broken.”

“Probably ‘cause it is, Slayer.”

I roll my eyes, walk over to the green leather couch, and sit down. Spike stays by the door, the only corner with enough shadows to keep him relatively safe from bursting into flames. For the first time since I’ve known him, he looks broken inside and that says a lot since normally when I look at him, I see nothing. Soulless vampire and all.

He lights up a cigarette and I roll my eyes. “And you don’t need to tell me that Anya will kill me for smoking inside her shop. I’d welcome that right about now with what I saw last night and what I feel now.”

“And I care because?”

“Now now, no need for that,” he says with a shake of his head. “I came to talk to you about Buffy.”

“What about her?”

“You’re the one who found her alive, aren’t you?”

“How do you know that? Are you already back to stalking her, Spike?” I ask, clearly disgusted with him. “None of us even want you around and if you weren’t neutered, I’d have gotten rid of you by now.”

“What else is stopping you?”

“Only the fact that I was asked not to get all stab happy with you. Not yet anyway. You can’t physically hurt any of us.”

“Since when are you one to play by the rules?”

“Since I got a second chance.”

Spike smirked at me and I wanted nothing more than to wipe that grin off his face. Permanently. I clench my fists at my sides and try to control my anger and the slayer inside of me that wants to dust him. I turn back to the heavy bag and stare blankly at it. Spike is sitting two feet away from me, still smirking, still smoking, still being a pain in my ass just by existing.

“Leave,” I say angrily. “Now. Before I bust your other leg and toss you out the back door.”

“Why so hostile, Slayer?”

“You’re a pain in the ass, Spike. The only reason you’re allowed around here is ‘cause the others _believe_ you’re helping out, when in reality all you ever do is get in the god damn way. And I have a name.”

“In case you’ve forgotten, _Faith_ , I came here to talk to you about Buffy.”

The way he says my name makes my insides crawl in disgust. All I want for him is to make one wrong move, say one wrong thing and it won’t be that hard to explain how I had to put the neutered vampire down.

“Is she all right? Traumatized, I bet. Being in hell will do that.”

“She’s…fine,” I reply carefully, not sure how much I should be telling him, if anything. I don’t even know how he knows she’s back. Now I’m starting to wonder if he’s gonna run his mouth to the others about it. “Was pretty freaked out when I found her, but like expected, she’s probably just traumatized after being pulled out of hell and brought back to life and all.”

Spike licks over his bottom lip slowly and stares me down. I return the look, cold and hard. He moves to get up from the couch, barely able to stand on his left leg. I don’t feel an ounce of pity for him. I don’t take my eyes off him as he makes his way to the door leading into the front of the shop.

“I’ll come back around,” he says to me and flicked the cigarette to the floor and crushed it out with the toe of his boot. “Check up on Buffy, make sure she’s all right with my own eyes. I know you have it out for me. It’s a game of cat and mouse between us.”

“Nah, Spike, it’s a game of slayer vs. vampire. We’ll see who comes out on top in the end.”

“Not going to happen, pet,” he replies with a smirk. “Although you on top of me isn’t such a bad image if you ask me.”

“Fuck you.”

I grab the bottle of water near my feet and throw it at him. He easily ducks out of the way and leaves, chuckling under his breath and making me even angrier than I was a moment ago.

I check the trap door in the basement a good half an hour after he’s gone, just to check and make sure he really did leave. I move a couple heavy storage crates on top to prevent any more little surprise drop-ins by him during his most flammable times of the day. I hate that I’m the only one who wants him dead--well deader than he already is. I don’t understand why the others just won’t let me do it and I definitely can’t understand how Buffy went all that time with him around and never once tried to stake him.

It definitely makes me wonder if somehow Buffy _cared_ about this soulless, neutered vampire. It wouldn’t surprise me though. She loved Angel even though Spike and Angel seem like they are from two very different worlds most of the time.

I get back to beating the heavy bag, only this time I leave the music off. I need to hear each thump my fists make, I need to hear my heart racing so hard it makes my ears ring, and I need to let the million thoughts inside my head consume me instead of trying to hide from them like I normally do. I don’t know how I ended up crying, I didn’t even feel the tears until I blinked and felt them burn my eyes as they fell. I’m such a fucking emotional mess now and I can’t help but blame the fact that Buffy is back and it’s toying with my emotions. Just as it did when she was alive before.

****

I’m sitting at the table eating the last jelly donut out of the box Xander brought when he showed up about half an hour ago. Dawn is trying to help Anya unpack a box of candles and they’re both arguing how to set them up on the display case. I’m just waiting for Willow and Tara to show up and I know they will soon. They do nearly every single day before their classes.

“Did you eat the last jelly, Faith?” Xander asks as he grabs the box and slides it across the table towards him. I pop the last piece of the donut in my mouth and smile at him. “Oh come on!”

“You never do learn, do you? Always get more than five jellies or someone else will eat them before you get your second.”

“You’re just as bad as Giles,” he mutters and grabs a glazed donut out of the box. “Hey, Dawnie?” Xander calls over to her as he digs out a twenty dollar bill from his pocket. “What do you say you make a donut run before you head to school?”

“Pass,” she laughs but she grabs the twenty from him anyway. “I do need lunch money though, so thanks, Xander!”

I laugh as Dawn grabs her backpack and runs out of the shop, leaving Xander sitting there with a perplexed look on his face. I reach over and playfully punch him in the shoulder to snap him out of his stupor.

Willow and Tara show up a few minutes later and whatever conversation they’d been having on the walk over here halted as soon as they walked in the shop. Willow looks no better than she did last night and she looks like she’s going on next to no sleep. Tara doesn’t look like she’s holding up any better either. They join Xander and me at the table, both complaining that there aren’t any more jelly donuts left. There’s a few pointed looks between the three of them and I lean back in the chair and prop my feet up on the chair next to me.

“So, does anyone wanna tell me what happened last night?” I ask them and Xander shakes his head no as he and Tara both look at Willow. “Red? Thought we weren’t gonna be keeping secrets from each other anymore? Wasn’t that the deal?”

“I--I know and I’m sorry,” she stammers and she takes a sip from the coffee she’d brought in with her. “I don’t know where to start, Faith.”

“The beginning would be a good place as any. Or how about the end where I find Buffy standing at her own grave in the middle of the night last night?”

So, it’s not exactly how I planned on getting that one out, but I’m frustrated and when I’m frustrated, I don’t think before the words come outta my mouth.

Xander started choking on his donut and it took Anya storming over and whacking him hard against his back in order for him to stop. Willow’s mouth open and closed repeatedly, at loss for words. Tara just sat there calmly, which surprised me. I cross my arms over my chest and stare right over at Willow since I know out of all of them, she’d be the only one that can give me an explanation of what _exactly_ happened last night.

“You--you found Buffy?” Willow manages to sputter out and I nod my head. “Where is she?”

“Last place I left her was at Giles’ place, well, I guess it’s technically _mine_ now, but that’s not the point. I want to know how the hell she’s back and alive, Willow, and I’m gonna ask you nicely not to lie to me about what happened last night. I know you guys were up to something. I overheard you talking in the Bronze the other night about keeping me preoccupied and not go out on patrol and for Spike to play vampire babysitter to Dawn for the night.”

“We did a spell,” Willow whispers and the tears spill down her cheeks as she speaks. “I--we had no idea that it worked. The Hellions came and destroyed the Urn of Osiris, ending the spell before it was done. We thought we failed because the urn was destroyed.”

“Well, you didn’t fail, Red. She’s alive and walking and breathing and all that and fuck, you should’ve seen her when I found her. She was fucking scared out of her mind. Are you guys stupid or something?”

“Hey! We’re not stupid! We just wanted her back!” Xander says angrily and Anya is standing behind him and rubbing his shoulders in an attempt to keep him calm. “We just wanted her back. You have no idea how hard it is not having her here with us where she belongs, Faith.”

“No, I _know_ how hard it is for you guys. I spent the last four months here with you and I’ve seen you go from the worst low to gradually moving on with your lives! I get that Buffy was important to you, that you love her, but she was dead and gone,” I spit at him, the venom in my voice making me feel sick. “This spell you guys did, you never stopped to think about _where_ you were bringing her back, did you?”

“What do you mean?” Willow asks shakily.

“She came back where you _left_ her,” I say angrily. “From the way I found her, the way she looked and hell, the way she smelled, she had to crawl out of her own fucking grave!”

I keep waiting for them to tell me I’m lying to them, but I guess my anger over the whole sitch makes it so they know I’m telling them the truth. I don’t have all the answers I’m looking for, but they gave me enough to go on to explain _how_ Buffy is back at least.

I get up and leave as Willow starts breaking down and crying even harder. I don’t wanna stick around for the big sob fest here. I also don’t wanna stick around and say shit that’ll make her and the others feel even worse than they do for not knowing that the fucked up spell they did to bring Buffy back had actually worked.

I get why they wanted to do it though. Their lives are just not the same without Buffy and I get that they probably feel like there is a piece of them missing inside when she was gone. It still doesn’t make it _right_ , though, and it’s just too bad they’d don’t seem to get that.


	9. Chapter Nine

** Chapter Nine **

 

I spent an hour or so walking through the streets of Sunnydale before I headed home. I guess a part of me didn’t wanna go back there still pissed off. Buffy’s sleeping in the bedroom when I get back and she’s left a mess from whatever she tried to cook herself for lunch in the kitchen. I don’t bother cleaning up after her and grab the last cold beer out of the fridge, cracking it open as I walk over to the desk and pick up the phone and the piece of paper with Giles’ number written on it.

He really needs to know what is going on over here, but I don’t know just how to tell him what happened. He literally just left and if he knew what Willow and the others had done, he’d be back as soon as he could make it, probably giving them hell for being so fucking stupid to do a spell that brought Buffy back from the dead. He’ll probably be pissed at me over the fact I never told him when he called the Magic Box earlier and talked to me.

And a pissed off Giles is not a fun Giles to deal with. I know from recent experience.

I stare down at the cordless phone in my hand for a few minutes before I place it back down on the charger and walk over to the window. I shake my head as I open the window. I know that Giles needs to know what is going on here, but I really don’t wanna be the one to tell him. I also don’t wanna hear an earful from him when he finds out I knew and didn’t tell him. Some fucked up dilemma I’ve found myself in, huh?

I light up a smoke and start to have a conversation inside my head, trying to figure out how to tell Giles when I do work up the nerve to call him. I don’t know why, but it feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, crazy as it is.

I give in once I’ve finished my cigarette and I grab the phone off the desk and sit down on the couch. I dial the number on the piece of paper and wait for the line to ring. After a few seconds, it’s ringing and I’m waiting for Giles to pick up. A part of me wants to get his voice mail--or answering machine, whatever he uses--but another part of me just wants to get this done and over with already.

_“Hello?”_

“Hey, G, it’s me,” I say softly, my voice cracking and nearly giving out before I can get out the words.

_“Faith? Is everything all right? Did something happen? Are you all right?”_

“There’s uh something I didn’t tell ya earlier,” I say to him and I can hear him shuffling on the other ends. “There’s something I should’ve told ya when you called before, but I--I didn’t know how to tell you.”

_“What is going on?”_

Giles is far too calm for my nerves right now. If he only knew. If he only fucking _knew_.

_“Faith?”_

“Buffy’s back,” I spit out.

I swear I can hear him laughing, but it sounds like he’s trying to keep it to himself. I sigh heavily, switch the phone to my other ear, and take a few healthy swigs of my beer.

“G, did you hear what I said? Buffy’s back.”

_“I certainly heard what you said. Have you been drinking, Faith?”_

“No,” I sigh heavily. “Buffy is back from the _dead_ , Giles.”

_“Impossible.”_

“Tell that to the very powerful witch that brought her back. Goes by the name of Willow. Cute little redhead with a girlfriend named Tara.”

_“Good lord.”_

I tell him Buffy is back from the dead and that’s all I get? One “Good lord”? Jesus Christ.

It takes him a full five minutes of silence between us for him to start yelling at me. I don’t cut in and try to stop him. I just let him get it all out. I barely listen since pretty much everything he is saying should be directed at the Scooby gang, not me. Fuck, I only _found_ Buffy, it’s not like I had a hand in this spell that they did or even know what they were up to. Once he’s calmed down, I finally explain everything that I know to him, giving as much details as I can from the moment I found Buffy until pretty much up to the point where I called him.

Before the conversation is over, he tells me he’ll be looking into getting a flight back to California to return to Sunnydale as soon as he can. I hang up the phone and when I turn around, Buffy is standing by the desk with a perplexed look on her face. I have no idea how much of the conversation she heard, but from the looks of things, she isn’t happy with what she did hear.

“What’s up, B?” I ask her calmly and smile a little. “Did ya sleep all morning?”

“You told him?”

“Didn’t have any other choice,” I shrug. “Talked to Willow and the gang this morning. Don’t know if ya overheard, but--”

“I heard,” she snaps and she doesn’t move from where she’s standing. “Doesn’t make it any better--or easier for that matter to know that my _friends_ are the reason I’m here right now when I shouldn’t be.”

I don’t say anything to her since I know she ain’t gonna talk to me about those many hidden meanings underneath her words. I don’t expect her to and if she wants to then hey, by all means I’ll listen and all that crap. I learned from the prison shrink and from Angel that sometimes just listening to someone else gets you a long way. A long way to what, I ain’t so sure on that part yet, but I do know the listening crap works sometimes.

“I want to go home.”

“You ain’t a prisoner here, B. You’re free to leave whenever you want. But,” I say and I stand up slowly from the couch, “ya gotta remember that you wanted to stick around here instead of going home last night.”

“I know.”

“Just wanted to be clear on that,” I add and I watch her as she walks to the door and stops. “Do ya want me to walk you home?”

“No,” she says and she turns back to the door and opens it. “Faith?” She says as she turns her head to look back at me. “Uh, thank you for what you’ve done since last night. You didn’t have to.”

“No, but it felt like the right thing to do.”

I get a little nod and a smile outta her before she leaves and slowly shuts the door behind her. I sit there for what feels like forever just staring at the door, wondering if she’ll come back in ‘cause she’s changed her mind about wanting to go back home. Not like I expect her to though. Whatever she’s been going through since last night, she just needed time to come back down to earth, so to speak, before she got back to her normal life.

I find the necklace with the Buffy glamour and I grab a hammer out of the tool box in the hallway closet. I set the necklace down on the counter and stare at it. I don’t want to destroy it. Angel gave it to me. I knew I should’ve given them something else to use for the glamour spell, something that holds little to no meaning to me. I raise the hammer up and bring it down with enough force to break the chain and bend the cross. I tie the chain together where it broke and I slip it on and head for the bathroom to look in the mirror.

Nothing. Still me. The glamour is gone but all I’m left with is a fucked up looking cross necklace on a broken chain.

Still, I don’t know what came over me, but I do know I had the feeling I had to end it now that Buffy is back. What do they need me for anymore anyway? I’ll end up going back to being the “other” slayer, the backup, pushed aside and everything I’ve done in the last four months will quickly be forgotten.

I’m not bitter. It’s the truth. Once Buffy gets back into her old routine, patrolling and what not, there’ll be no need for me to be the one and only slayer this town has. There’s a part of me that wants to pack up what I got and leave before things turn out the way they did the last time I was here. But a bigger part of me wants to stay ‘cause for once in my life I’m somewhere where it feels like home.

I head up to the bedroom and lay down, burying my face into the pillow as I try to shut out my raging thoughts and the rest of the world. I inhale deeply and I can smell Buffy’s scent lingering on the pillow and the sheets. In a weird way, it helps lull me to sleep. I welcome that pull as my body finally gives in to a little bit of rest. God knows I need it after the night I’d had last night.

****

I don’t bother going on patrol tonight and instead I find myself sitting in Willy’s bar, sipping a strong Jack and Coke and eyeing the few vamps that are sitting in the corner. I would’ve gone to the Bronze, but I didn’t wanna run into the Scooby gang there tonight, not after this morning. I don’t think I’m quite ready to face them right now without snapping at them for being so fucking stupid.

“Funny running into you here,” Olivia says as she sits down on the stool next to me. “I didn’t think you came to a place like this.”

“Just about to say the same thing about you,” I say to her with a crooked smile. “You stood me up.”

“And I was just about to apologize for that,” she says with a sweet smile and I can’t help but smile back at her. “Something came up last minute.”

“Boyfriend?”

I get a nod out of her and I sigh as I lift the glass to my lips and chug what’s left. I motion to Willy to make me another drink and I pull out my pack of cigarettes. I offer Olivia one before I light one for myself and grab the ashtray that’s to the left of me.

“I do owe you a drink,” she says as she motions for Willy to bring us over a couple of beers. “Did you hear about what happened last night?”

“What happened?”

“About how the town got so trashed,” she elaborates and I just stare at her, waiting to see what she’ll say. “I heard there was a gang who came riding into town, thinking they’d try to take over.”

“Heard that too.”

“Roman said he saw a couple of the guys before he woke me up so we could hide from them in case they tried to break into our apartment. Said they were gnarly looking.”

I laugh at that and finish off my drink before I grab the beer in front of me. It always amazes me that people living in Sunnydale haven’t clued in to half the things that happen here and what truly roams the streets at night. I doubt anyone would stick around here long if they knew.

“Been in Sunnydale long?” Olivia asks me and I shrug a little. “It’s just I haven’t seen you before this summer. Roman and I moved here from LA just before Christmas last year and I thought by now I’d know just about everyone in this town.”

“Came here about four months back,” I reply, deciding not to tell this chick too much about myself. I’ve never been an open book with anyone and that’s not about to change for a chick with great tits and a pretty face.

“What do you do for work?”

“Kind of had myself a bit of a vacation, but gotta start looking for something real soon. Like yesterday,” I reply easily and she laughs and puts an arm around my shoulder. “Got any ideas, Liv?”

“The Bronze is always looking for more bartenders. Between me and Gary, we’re the only one that has been there longer than six months.”

“Dunno about that,” I reply. “I ain’t exactly twenty-one yet. Not for another couple of months at least.”

“I’ll put in a good word for you.”

“Appreciate that.”

Our conversation is short-lived, but I’m grateful for that. The other night, Olivia seemed like the type I’d get on well with, but tonight? Something definitely felt a little _off_ about her. A tall man with long black hair tied back in a neat ponytail and arms covered in tattoos strolls in as soon as I polish off my beer. He takes a seat on the other side of Olivia and once they share a brief kiss, I figure this is the boyfriend, Roman.

He leans on the bar and peers around Olivia to look at me and he has a sneer on his face that makes me cringe. If I felt like something was off with Olivia, this guy takes the cake. He leans in to whisper something into Olivia’s ear. I can hear him though, but he’s talking in Spanish and I can’t understand a damn word he’s saying to her.

It doesn’t take me too long to figure out the buzz I’m feeling isn’t from the drinks I’ve had. It’s coming from Roman. I can’t figure out if he’s a vamp or a demon, but I know he’s one of them.

“Oh, Faith, this is my boyfriend, Roman,” Olivia says with a sweet smile and Roman reaches out to shake my hand. “This is Faith, the one I was supposed to have drinks with the other night,” she says to him and rolls her eyes as I give his hand a firm shake.

“Pleasure is all mine,” he drawls, his voice deep and the Spanish accent is thick.

His hand isn’t cold, but it’s not exactly warm either. I can’t rule out whether he’s a vamp or a demon just yet, but I do know he’s definitely _not_ of the human variety here. I shake it off though since I’ve had a few drinks and could be mistaken and trying to make this guy into something he’s not.

I try to figure out a way to get out of having to sit here with the two of them for much longer, but my gut tells me to stick around and sniff out just whatever this guy Roman is. With Giles not gonna be back for who knows how long now, a day or two possibly, I can’t hit the books alone and I sure ain’t going to the Scooby gang with this one. Especially not now that Buffy is back and they’re all fawning over her like a newborn baby. Or a puppy. Whatever.

I pull out a cigarette from my pack and Roman reaches over and offers me a light from his gold-plated Zippo lighter. I give him a little smile and light my cigarette before I motion to Willy to get us a round of drinks. When he places three beers down on the bar in front of us, I ask him to get us six shots of the finest tequila he’s got. If I’m gonna get anything outta this Roman guy, I gotta get him a bit tipsy first, get him to slip up. Whatever façade he’s hiding behind, it ain’t gonna work on me.

It isn’t long before I find out what a smooth talker this guy is and I can plainly see why Olivia is fawning all over him like a school-girl in love with the hottest guy in her class. It’s actually quite amusing though and it’s making my night far more entertaining than I originally thought it’d be.

Under the haze of the alcohol, I still keep my wits about me as best as I can. Night off or not, anything can happen and a drunk slayer isn’t a very efficient slayer.

I spot Spike hobble in after an hour of drinking with Olivia and Roman. He’s got one crutch under his arm and his leg is still clearly broken. When we make eye-contact, he takes it as a sign to come over and sit on the stool next to me. I clench my jaw, wanting nothing more than to tell him off, but the wheels that are still slightly sober in my head start turning and I realize I can use him to help me figure out just what Roman is, a vamp or a demon or something else not human.

“Leg still broken, Spike?” I ask him sweetly and he shoots me a glare before grabbing my beer and taking a swig from the bottle.

“What do you think, Slayer? Not gonna magically heal itself in a couple hours, is it now?”

I give his knee a poke and he winces. It makes me laugh and I turn to look over at Olivia and Roman, but they’re no longer sitting next to me. They’re over by the jukebox dancing, holding each other close in a way only lovers do.

“Who’re they?” Spike asks me and he takes another swig of my beer. “Friends of yours?”

“Not exactly.”

“Make a habit of having drinks with people you don’t know?”

“Isn’t that what being in a bar is all about, Spike?”

This is seriously turning into the longest day of my life, even longer than that first day I spent in prison. The last thing I wanted was for Spike to show up tonight, but I guess hanging out at Willy’s bar, it’s bound to happen at some point or another.

Luckily for me, Spike spots a couple of demons he normally plays poker with and he hobbles his way to the back room with my beer. I sigh and ask Willy for another. Olivia and Roman are still dancing over by the jukebox and I can’t help but turn on my stool and watch them for a minute. There’s no denying they make one hot couple, that’s for sure. There’s still something completely off about them though and I wish I could put my finger on it. I know that Olivia is human, but I still can’t figure out what Roman is.

I push it out of my mind and join them over by the jukebox. I lean up against the pool table as soon as the few demons that were playing saw me coming over and left quickly. I laugh a little and lean back a little, still watching them, feeling absolutely mesmerized by the way they’re moving together.

“Join us, Faith,” Olivia says in a husky drawl that makes my whole body shudder.

Olivia holds out a hand and I put my beer bottle down on top of the pool table. I grab her hand and allow myself to be pulled in between them. The heat from her body is intense against my front and I can feel Roman behind me, his hands slinking over my hips as he pulls me into his body. I feel like I’m in a haze as I move with them. Olivia drapes her arms over my shoulders and leans in close. I can smell her perfume and the alcohol on her breath and it makes me dizzy.

I feel lips on the back of my neck once my hair is swept to the side and it jolts me back down to reality. I push away from the two of them and watch as they find each other again. I run a hand through my hair and grab my beer off the pool table.

Whatever their intentions are, I don’t wanna stick around and find out. A few years ago, I would’ve been the one leading them back to my motel room for a night of hot, sweaty, naked fun. But that’s not who I am anymore and I gotta keep reminding myself that even when the pull towards that part of my past becomes almost too strong to fight.

They don’t even notice I’m gone as I slip away to the bar and down the rest of my beer. I hand Willy some cash, hopefully enough to pay off my tab and he waves my hand away, telling me the tab has already been paid for by Roman. With a sigh, I shove the bills back into my back pocket and I head for the door. I take a quick glance back at the lovers and they’re so enthralled by one another I don’t doubt they won’t notice I’m gone for quite some time.

The night is a bit cool, but it’s almost refreshing as I step outside and breathe in the fresh air. It takes a bit for me to walk home, but I make it in one piece. I shut the door and lock it behind me. I stumble in the darkness as I slip off my jacket and miss the back of the chair. I groan loudly when I hear it thump to the ground. I don’t know how I manage to make it up the stairs to bed, but as soon as I hit the pillow, I can feel the strong tug of sleep pulling me in.

****

_Bang. Bang. Bang._

Either someone is at the door or I’ve just woken up with a killer hangover. I roll over on to my back and stare up at the ceiling. The sunlight shining in through the windows nearly blind me at first, but my eyes adjust and the pounding in my head is a sore reminder of just how much I drank last night at Willy’s.

I pull the pillow over my face and breathe in deeply. Buffy’s scent is still faintly lingering there and I make a mental note to throw the bed linen in the wash at some point today. It’s driving me _crazy_.

I hear the door unlock downstairs and I sit up too quickly, making the room spin around me and my insides churn as I struggle to keep down whatever is left in my stomach. I know I drank a bit, even for me, but I didn’t drink enough to feel like _this_. I get out of bed and make my way down the stairs. Willow and Tara have let themselves in and they’ve brought coffee from the Espresso Pump with them.

“Morning, Faith,” Willow says with a smile as she hands me one of the three coffee’s they’re carrying. She’s far too chipper for me to handle this morning. “Rough night? How are you feeling?”

“Like someone took a two by four and hit me repeatedly with it,” I reply with a shrug. “Nasty hangover. Nothing a coffee and a couple more hours of sleep won’t cure.”

Willow and Tara just exchange a look between them as I pick up my jacket from the floor and pull out the now crushed and nearly empty pack of cigarettes. I sit on the edge of the desk and light one, closing my eyes as I inhale deeply and wait for whatever bad news they have come here to tell me.

“Um,” Willow coughs as she and Tara move to sit on the stools by the counter. “We received a call last night,” she says nervously and I wave my hand for her to continue faster. “From Angel.”

“He’s back?”

“He said he was trying to get in touch with you, but you obviously weren’t even home. He’s back in LA and we--we told him Buffy’s alive. We told him everything.”

“And?”

“Buffy is going later to see him,” Willow replies. Totally knew that one was coming. “But,” she sighs as she looks at Tara for a second then looks back at me, “Angel told me that he wants you to come with Buffy when she goes down to see him.”

Now that I didn’t see coming. I would’ve thought that he’d want to see her alone. Maybe he doesn’t trust himself to face her alone ‘cause those feelings of his are still very real and still very deeply woven through his soul. Not that I blame him or anything. I know what kind of an impact that Buffy can make on the people in her life. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and hell, I’ll even admit I’ve felt it too.

Willow brings me up to speed on when Buffy is planning to head down to LA to see Angel, but the only downside is she has yet to find a way down there. Xander already refused to lend her his car, and from the stories I’ve heard, that’s probably a _good_ thing.

I seriously need more sleep before I have to deal with any of this today, yet I’m getting the feeling that’s not gonna be happening. My head is still pounding something fierce and my stomach is churning even as I sip the now lukewarm coffee they’d brought for me. Willow explains to me that I need to be the one to convince Buffy not to go down to LA alone. I want to laugh in her face and tell her Buffy would never listen to me, but she’s got this look in her eyes that’s telling me something, whatever it is, I’m not too sure, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess it has to do with the way Buffy is acting.

Willow and Tara go sit out in the courtyard to wait for me while I shower and get changed into clean clothes. I avoid looking at myself in the steamy bathroom mirror since I know I look just as bad as I feel right now. I grab my sunglasses and slip them on before I join them outside in the courtyard. Nobody says a word as I lead the way to where I parked Giles’ car and we pile in. I take a moment to take a few deep breaths before I pull out of the parking lot.

The ride to the Summers’ house is quick and silent and I let Willow and Tara go up to the house first. I can faintly hear them talking inside and I get out of the car, readjusting my sunglasses as I walk up to the front door and let myself in. Dawn is in the living room watching TV, likely being picked up and driven to school by Xander in a couple of minutes. Willow and Tara are in the kitchen talking quietly now and I stop before I pass the stairs when I see Buffy appear at the top.

“What are you doing here?” Buffy asks in a cold voice that makes me flinch.

“I’m your ride to LA, B,” I reply casually.

“You? You expect me to trust you that you won’t try to kill me?”

“Past all that, B, remember?”

She rolls her eyes as she walks past me and heads for the kitchen. “What the hell is she doing here?” I hear her ask Willow and Tara. “I told you I don’t want her coming around here anymore.”

“She’ll drive you down to LA to see Angel, Buff,” Willow replies calmly and I walk to the kitchen doorway and lean up against the wall with my arms crossed over my chest. “Angel _wants_ her to come with you.”

“Whatever,” Buffy huffs and she spins around to look at me. There’s a glare in her stare and it chills me to the bone. In one day she went from being terrified to going right back to her old self, the one that absolutely hated my guts. “Can we leave now then?”

“Whenever you’re ready,” I reply with a shrug. “Gotta stop and get some breakfast before we get on the open road. My treat,” I say with a smile but she just ignores me and walks towards the front door. “This’ll be one helluva fun day,” I mutter and it earns me a sympathy smile from Willow and Tara.

Buffy is waiting for me by the car. She has a bag with her and I don’t need to look inside it to know she’s packed some weapons and possibly a change of clothes and other little essentials she’d need for a day trip to LA and back. I hop in the front seat and I turn to look at her, peering over the top of my sunglasses as I watch her look right back at me with a glare.

“You coming?” I ask her as I slip the key into the ignition and start the engine.

“You know how to drive?”

“I do.”

“Do you even have a license?”

“I do,” I reply with a chuckle. She sighs dramatically and tosses her stuff in the back seat before she gets in the passenger side and shuts the door behind her. “You can pick the tunes for the ride there,” I say to her as I drive away from the Summers’ house. “Just one condition, I get to pick the tunes on the ride back.”

“Fine,” she shrugs and she slips her sunglasses on and reaches for the buttons to change the radio station.

Before we reach the open road, I pull over at a gas station and fill up the tank. Buffy runs inside the snack shop and comes out a few minutes later with a bag full of junk food and cans of pop. I smile a little as I climb back in the car but she doesn’t even look at me. She does offer me a bag of Doritos and I take them willingly. Not my idea of breakfast, but it’ll do until we get to LA and stop for some real food.

It’s a long drive to LA and I know there will be no words between us. I have a lot I want to say to her, but I get the feeling she’s not going to willingly listen to me. I don’t blame her. Things might’ve been different the other day, but that was before the shock of being brought back to life wore off. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle things once we’re back in Sunnydale. Giles will want me to stick around, but I’m starting to wonder if the others will start changing their mind when it comes to me staying there.

Sure, the summer changed a lot of things and I became a part of their lives. But, Buffy is back now and they can go back to living their lives the way it’d been before she died saving the world yet again.

And I’ll just go back to being second-string. The backup slayer. Second best.


	10. Chapter Ten

** Chapter Ten **

 

I’m sitting out on the back steps of the Hyperion Hotel while Buffy and Angel are inside doing their whole reunion thing. The sight of the two of them being all cuddly was a little nauseating and I ducked out as quickly as I could to avoid making any kind of a scene. Gunn and Wesley are out tracking a nest of vamps, Cordy is at her apartment and Fred is in the lobby, talking to Lorne about Buffy.

I just sit out there half listening to their conversation. I light up a cigarette and lean back on the steps and close my eyes. I’m so tired that I doubt I’ll be able to drive us back to Sunnydale and get us there in one piece tonight. If I try and something happens, I know Buffy will never let me live it down and accuse me of trying to kill her just like she suspected I’d do.

I know I gotta stop thinking like this, but it’s hard not to fall back into that frame of mind.

I tense when I hear their voices in the lobby. I turn to look inside and I see them standing just outside the door. They’re talking about making plans to see each other later on in the month once Buffy is back to a normal routine and Angel gets a few things in order that fell apart while he’d been gone. I hear her complain about being hungry and after Angel explains how to get to the kitchen, he comes out and sits on the step next to me.

“Enjoy your little reunion?” I ask him, the words tasting bitter in my mouth.

“She seems well, considering,” he replies quietly and he lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m glad you brought her down here, Faith.”

“Don’t know why you thought it was a good idea.”

“I thought it’d give you two a chance to get over your differences and bond.”

I laugh. Hard. “Are you kidding me? A couple hours in a car driving down here ain’t enough time to get over our differences and bond, Angel. Sometimes it feels like there’s not enough time in the world for us to get over all the differences between us and get past it all. That ship sailed a long time ago. Right now we’re just tolerating each other. Barely.”

“You were the one who found her that night,” he says and I turn to look at him and he’s got this “I know something you don’t” look on his face. I _hate_ it when he gives me that look. “Regardless of what you think, Faith, you two share something now that nothing can ever break. In a way, you saved her that night she was brought back. She said to me how surprised she was with how you were treating her.”

“Yeah well, what else was I supposed to do? Just let her run off and probably try to kill herself? She thought she was in _hell_ when I found her, Angel. Pretty sure wherever she came from wasn’t near as bad as Sunnydale.”

“Wherever she came from, she’s grateful for what you did for her that night, Faith. Whether she’ll ever tell you or not, you need to know that.”

I shrug and flick my cigarette to the ground. I know why he’s telling me. He’s trying to be the middle man and get Buffy and me on good terms before we leave. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. Don’t have it in me to tell him that straight out though. I’m just so goddamn tired and these last couple of days have been rough.

“How you’ve been holding up in Sunnydale?”

“Was doing all right I guess.”

“Giles taking care of you?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “He’s off in England. Left the day they brought Buffy back. He’s supposed to be coming back to Sunnydale soon as he can get a flight out.”

“And how are things between you and the others?”

“Could be worse,” I reply with a shrug. “We’re not best pals or anything, but they don’t hate my guts so that’s something, right?”

Angel smiles a little and gets up from the steps. He reaches out for my hand and I take it and allow him to pull me up to my feet. “You look tired, Faith,” he says before he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight. “Do you need to stay here tonight, get some rest before you and Buffy head back to Sunnydale?”

I nod my head as I step out of his strong embrace. I’m not even worried about how Buffy feels about staying here tonight, but something tells me she’s not gonna object against it. It’ll give her and Angel more bonding time or whatever and it’ll give me the first full night’s sleep I’ve had in the last couple of days--which by the way feels a helluva lot longer.

Angel tells me to take the room I stayed in before and I head right up there, ignoring Fred and Lorne as they ask me if I’m staying tonight. Nothing has changed since I was here last and it’s almost comforting ‘cause it feels like it’s mine. I kick off my boots as I shut the door behind me and I flop right down on the bed, my eyes feeling heavy as my head hits the pillow.

I fall asleep slowly, wondering how Angel would feel if I asked him to stay in LA with them instead of going back to Sunnydale. It’s not like I’m needed there anymore. Buffy is back to normal and I’m positive it won’t be much longer until she’s back doing her nightly patrols. Where do I fit in there? I learned the hard way that there’s no room for two slayers in Sunnydale and I really don’t want a repeat.

Don’t think I could handle a repeat. Or any more rejection. Better to be somewhere where I feel wanted than to be somewhere where I feel like I don’t belong.

****

I wake up from a dreamless sleep when I feel someone in the room with me. I have no idea what time it is or how long I’d been asleep for. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and that’s when I see Buffy sitting on the armchair by the window. I have no idea how long she’s been in here for, but I’m gonna guess it hasn’t been that long. Even asleep, my slayer senses are on high alert, always being able to tell if someone else is near me. It’s probably why whenever I pulled my “get some, get gone” I never let anyone stay over or I never stayed with them.

“Buffy?” I ask softly as I flip on the light next to the bed. “What are you doing in here?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“So ya decided to pull the creeper card and come watch me sleep?”

“No,” she replies but she laughs a little. “I was kind of hoping you were awake. I thought if I sat here long enough, you’d wake up.”

“Why?”

She shrugs and looks down at her hands in her lap. “Angel said it’d be good if we talked.”

I roll my eyes and check my watch. Four in the morning. Fucks sake. “And it couldn’t wait until the morning, B?”

“Sorry,” she sighs and she frowns, but she doesn’t lift her eyes to look at me. “I--I thought we could talk and get some things out of the way, but if you don’t want to--”

“I do,” I reply quickly before she can get out of the chair and I stretch out a little, feeling my joins pop and my muscles stretch. “I do want to talk. Got a lot of ground to cover between you and me.”

“We do,” Buffy nods her head in agreement. “Can I go first?”

“By all means.”

“I’m sorry.”

I cock my head to the side and wait to see if she’s gonna follow that up by anything or clarify just what she’s sorry for. I don’t push her though and I grab my cigarettes out of the back pocket of my jeans, cursing under my breath when I find that most of them have been broken while I slept with them in my pocket. I find one that’s intact and light it, all the while keeping my eyes on Buffy, waiting to see if she’s gonna say anything else.

“I’m sorry for everything, Faith,” she finally says after what feels like an eternity, but it’s only been a few minutes. “I had a nice long talk with Angel tonight and he made me realize a few things.”

“He’s good at doing that,” I mutter under my breath and she chuckles quietly.

“You saved me the other night, you realize that, right?”

“Only was trying to help you, didn’t know I was _saving_ your skinny ass.”

“You didn’t have to do that for me and you did without even thinking about it. I’m sorry if I seemed ungrateful.”

“Nah, figured you got a lot of shit going on right now with being back and all that my thanks of gratitude was just gonna be delayed for a while.”

“But don’t think me saying I’m sorry and thanking you for that is going to instantly change everything between us, Faith. And don’t think I’m putting the blame all on you. I’m not. We both wronged each other, granted the way you did it was much worse, but you’re different now and I know I’m not the only one who sees it. I just wanted you to know that, that’s all.”

I shake my head and try to wake myself up. I’m definitely dreaming this. There’s no way Buffy would just flat out say the words I’ve been waiting for over a year for her to say to me. I close my eyes tightly and open them a couple of times and by the third time I do it, I open my eyes to Buffy looking at me like I’ve done lost my mind.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to wake up,” I reply and close my eyes again. “Doesn’t seem to be working,” I mutter and I hear Buffy laugh quietly. “What’s so funny?”

“You. You’re awake, Faith, so quit it.”

I smirk ‘cause I can’t help it. This whole situation right now is way off base from the norm; at least it is when it comes between Buffy and me. It doesn’t last very long unfortunately and whatever laughter had reached Buffy’s eyes a few moments ago is gone and replaced by emptiness, like she’s going right back to shutting me out.

“When are you taking me home?” Buffy asks and I shrug, not having thought that through too much. “You don’t want to go back there, do you?”

“What makes you say that, B?”

“Just a feeling,” she replies softly. “If it makes it any better, Faith, I want you to come back and I know the others will want you to be there too.”

Comforting, but it doesn’t shake that feeling I’d had earlier and it doesn’t shake those thoughts I had of asking Angel to stay in LA for a while.

“I need you there,” Buffy whispers and I blink, definitely more and more convinced I’m dreaming or maybe she’s been put under some kind of spell without even knowing it. “Faith, did you hear what I said? I need you in Sunnydale.”

“Yeah, I heard you, B,” I say with a scowl.

I get out of bed, feeling shaky as the anger starts to slide in. I take a few deep, calming breaths, not wanting to lose it now in front of Buffy of all people. I walk over to the window and try to open it, but even with slayer strength, I can’t get it to budge past the years of paint that’s sealed it shut. I let the cigarette dangle from my lips as I lean on my hands and grip the edge of the windowsill.

I want to know what Angel said to her for her to be talking to me like this. I want to know exactly what he said that made her change her tune when it comes to me. I know Angel has been looking out for me since I’ve been in prison and everything, but all it takes for him is a couple of hours and Buffy is apologizing to me and telling me she needs me in Sunnydale? Either I’m dreaming and I can’t wake up, or I’ve slept through a world-ending apocalypse and I’m dead.

I hear Buffy get out of the chair she’d been sitting in and I feel my whole body tense. I flinch when her hand rests on my left arm, but I don’t let go of the windowsill and I don’t turn to look at her. She sighs heavily and takes her hand away and she leans up against the wall next to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her cross her arms over her chest and close her eyes.

“We do need to talk about a lot of things,” she says softly. “It’s going to take a lot longer than a night in LA to talk about the things we need to.”

“No shit.”

“Dawn talked my ear off about you yesterday,” she says and it makes me look over at her and she has a little smile curling over her lips. “She told me what it’s been like the last couple of months with you there. You’ve been good to her and to the others and that says a lot when it comes to how far you’ve come since I saw you last.”

I shrug and take one last drag of my cigarette before I walk over to the bed and put it out in the ashtray on the table. I’m at loss for words at the moment and I figure that it’s best if I let Buffy say whatever it is she has to say to me right now. It’s what she’s come here for at four in the morning after all.

“I never thought you’d be the one she looked up to like another big sister and a friend, not after everything that’s happened,” she continues as I sit down on the edge of the bed and run my hands through my hair. “She tells me how calm you are now and I thought she was joking. You are a lot calmer. How’d you manage that?”

“Prison,” I reply coldly. “Gives you a lot of time to think over shit, plus there was the mandatory therapy sessions and crap. Angel played a big part in that.”

“I know. He told me. He told me a lot of things about you,” she says. Her smile disappears and is quickly replaced by a frown. “I know your life has never been great and that you’ve faced a lot of hardships and everything. It explains a lot about why you are the way you are.”

I roll my eyes and decide I don’t want to hear this. Not from her, not now. I don’t know what Angel told her about me, but I do know that Giles had lent him the file the Council has on me when I first got to prison. He only did it ‘cause Angel asked him for it. Angel only mentioned it once and told me that nobody deserved to live the life I had to live before I became a slayer. No shit Sherlock. Angel knows more about my life than anyone--Council and Giles aside--and it’s kinda making me a little more than uncomfortable now that I think about it.

I want to run. That urge is there and stronger than ever. I hate feeling so fucking vulnerable and with the way Buffy is looking at me now, I just want to get the hell out of here and away from her.

But I can’t just leave her here. It’d only prove that I really haven’t changed all that much if I do. I walk back over to the window and try again to open it, feeling it give just a little before I give up and pound my palms of my hands down on the windowsill. I can feel Buffy’s eyes on me, but I don’t look back at her. I expect her to say something--anything, yet she’s quiet and only watching me.

“Angel doesn’t even know half of what I’ve gone through in my life, nobody does,” I say under my breath and I know she’s heard every word. “If it weren’t for him though, I wouldn’t even be here right now and I sure as hell wouldn’t be this _calm_ if it wasn’t for him either.”

“Why didn’t you break out of prison yourself, Faith?”

“You know why. ‘Cause I belonged there. Gunn had to break me outta there quietly instead of me making some huge scene about it. But believe me, B, when I found out you were dead, I wanted nothing more than to be out of there. I wanted to turn back the clock somehow, go back and help you fight that bitch Glory. Maybe if I was there, things would’ve been different.”

“Maybe.”

“You don’t think so?”

“I don’t know what difference it would’ve made, Faith. One of us would’ve died.”

“You’re wrong,” I snap at her and I put all that I have in me and force the window open, the cool night air rushing in the stuffy room almost instantly. “It would’ve made a difference. Two slayers are better than one. You never saw it that way though, did you? Even before everything went for shit, you never wanted me around. You hated me ‘cause I came strolling into your town and acted like I didn’t have a care in the world. You hated me ‘cause I wanted to be a better slayer than you. You hated me ‘cause you friends thought I was cooler than you.”

“No,” she stammers as she shakes her head. “I never hated you, Faith.”

“Find that hard to believe.”

“I still need you in Sunnydale, Faith, regardless of what you think you know about how I feel about you,” Buffy replies firmly and it’s the tone in her voice along with her words that shocks me. “I _don’t_ want things to be like it was before and I’m sorry if I led you to believe otherwise. I’m _trying_ , but you don’t know how fucking hard it is to be back here, Faith. You don’t know, nobody does and never will.”

I can’t look at her now ‘cause she’s crying. I lean out the window and breathe in deeply, forcing back my own tears that are threatening to fall. I lost it on her, said things I shouldn’t have said to her, things that when in therapy I was told to let go and move on from even if it was the hardest thing in my life to do. It wasn’t healthy to keep those thoughts, those feelings from my past, especially those that lead up to my fall from grace, so to speak.

Now I have to go see Angel, get some answers from him and find out just what he and Buffy had talked about that made her act like this towards me. I won’t take him pussyfooting around it either. I’m not in the mood for any kind of shit. I want answers, honest answers, and when it comes to Angel, at least I can partially trust that he’ll talk to me and give me the answers I need to know.

I turn away from the window and head for the door, ignoring Buffy’s question asking me where I’m going. I find Angel sitting in his room with the lights off, staring blankly out the window. I flip on the light switch and he barely flinches. I slam the door shut behind me and he turns to look at me with this solemn look in his eyes.

“What did you say to her?” I ask as I walk right up to where he’s sitting and stand there in front of him with my hands on my hips, waiting for him to answer. “What the hell did you say to her, Angel?”

“We just talked, Faith,” he replies calmly. “She asked me about you. Everything I told her had to be said one way or another.”

“What did you talk about?”

“Why are you so angry?” Angel asks as he stands up and places his hands on my shoulders. “Faith? What happened?”

“She was a downright bitch to me on the way down here,” I mutter and I shrug away his hands and back up a couple of steps. “I was fucking sleeping and wake up to her sitting there watching me sleep. She _apologized_ to me, basically thanked me for saving her ass the other night, and said a few other things that dragged up a whole mess of memories. So, what the hell did you say to her that made her turn into Miss. _I wanna make everything right_?”

“I told you, she asked me some questions about you and I answered them. She wanted to know if you truly had changed from the person you used to be. I told her that you had, but it wasn’t good enough for her. You know Buffy, she can be pretty stubborn sometimes. After we talked, I told her it’d be good for both of you if you two talked some things out.”

“Yeah, and her idea of doing that is at four in the fucking morning!”

Angel chuckles and sits back down in the chair. “When you put it that way, she could’ve waited until the morning.”

“No shit,” I mutter under my breath and I take a seat on the edge of his bed. “She talked to me like I’m--like I’m her _friend_ , Angel. You know that me and her ain’t ever been friends, so it’s thrown me for a fucking loop here.”

“She’s trying, Faith.”

“Yeah, well, so am I!”

“Are you?”

I sigh heavily. This reminds me far too much of those visits we had when I was in prison, when we’d talk in circles almost until the answers I was looking for from Angel finally came from me. But that isn’t what I came here for, to have this kind of a conversation. I came here to find out just what the hell they talked about and he’s pulling a typical Angel with me, skipping around the questions I’m asking him and throwing them right back at me.

I grunt in frustration and pound the mattress with my fists. “I am trying. That’s all I’ve been fucking doing is trying. Not just the last couple of days, but since I went back to Sunnydale. I don’t know how much longer I can keep trying here, Angel. Keeping calm is not as easy as it seems. It’s getting harder and harder every single day.”

“You’re going to be on your path to redemption for a long time, and one way to get through it is to have patience. Not just with yourself, but with others, and now that includes Buffy.”

“Which is gonna be the ultimate test for me,” I reply with a dry laugh. “What am I gonna do, Angel?”

“About what?”

“About Buffy. About everything.”

“Take it one day at a time. She wants you in Sunnydale, you know that right?”

“Yeah she told me that. Thought she was pulling my leg or something.”

“Just go back there and do what you’ve been doing and be there for Buffy when she needs you. I’m only a phone call away and you know I’m here for you. I’m just sorry I was gone for so long. I’m getting the feeling you needed me around a lot sooner than now.”

“Yeah well, you’re here now and that’s better than nothing. Is all this why you wanted me to come with Buffy or something? Thought you two would’ve wanted a sweet little reunion without the second-string slayer tagging along.”

“Part of it, yeah,” he admits easily and I want so much to wipe his smug little smirk off his face with one swift punch, but I don’t. I can’t. “Why don’t you get some sleep, Faith?”

“Actually,” I say as I stand up from the bed, “I think I’m gonna go get Buffy and head back to Sunnydale right now.”

Angel only nods, doesn’t say a word as I leave his room. I know he gets why I gotta leave now. If I don’t, I won’t be able to when Buffy is ready to go home. I’m not surprised to find her right where I left her. She doesn’t protest, doesn’t even say a word when I tell her we’re heading home.

It earns me a little smile though, so that’s something.

If today hasn’t been one of the most fucked up days of my life, I don’t wanna know what tomorrow and the day after that is gonna bring. All I know is I’m in for a ride that’s gonna test me big time.

And I’m not so sure if I’m ready for that.


	11. Chapter Eleven

** Chapter Eleven **

 

The ride back to Sunnydale was pretty uneventful up to the point where the car ran outta gas along a stretch of road with nothing to see for miles in either direction. I’ve been standing in front of the car for the better part of the day, leaning on the hood and chain smoking. Buffy hasn’t moved from the passenger seat and I haven’t bothered to look back at her. I don’t need to look at her to know she’s pissed off I didn’t notice we were low on gas when I passed a gas station a few miles back.

It wouldn’t take much to jog back there, get enough gas to get us back there to fill up, but I really don’t feel like moving from this spot and with the sun setting and no other cars on the road, it’s actually peaceful in a fucked up kind of way.

It feels like I’m in between worlds out here. Behind me is the city, where my heart keeps screaming to go back to ‘cause that’s where I feel more at home. Ahead of me is Sunnydale, hell on earth some days. Right here is the middle and far as I can tell, the only problem I got is Buffy as she sits in the car and lets her anger build up ‘til she has enough and loses it on me.

“Faith?” Buffy asks, her voice quiet and eerily calm. “What are you doing?”

“Smoking.”

“I can see that,” she sighs and she gets out of the car, stretching as she walks over to stand next to me. “Can’t you smoke and walk at the same time? We do need gas and we can’t stay out here all night. We’ve been here all day!”

“I know.”

“Well?”

“I’m in a good place at the moment, B, don’t ruin it.”

In all honesty, I didn’t realize how long we’d been out here and the few wrong turns I made after we left LA had added a shitload of time to what should’ve only been a couple hour trip back home. I glance over at Buffy and she’s still looking pissed off, rightfully so. I’m just waiting for shit to hit the fan.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

There it is.

“Where do ya want me to start, B?”

She growls. _Growls_. It turns me on and I can’t quite shake the feeling fast enough. Buffy must’ve sensed it ‘cause the next thing I know she slaps me across the face, hard.

“The hell was that for?”

“Trying to snap you out of it! We can’t stay out here forever, Faith!”

“You wanna get out of here so badly, B? Then what the hell is stopping _you_ from walking back to that gas station and getting us some gas, huh?”

She opens and closes her mouth and I smirk, rubbing my cheek a little since a slap from her is like a punch from Dawn. Not enough to knock me down, but enough to sting a little.

“Fine,” she says and turns in the wrong direction, walking a couple of steps before stopping, realizing which way she was going before turning back around. She glares at me as she walks past me and I can’t help but watch her as she walks off in a huff.

Call me crazy, but for some reason I’ve always found Buffy sexy as hell when she’s pissed as hell at me. It’s a fucked up thing, I know, but I can’t help it. The therapist in prison said it’s not healthy, but who cares when it stirs up my libido in ways I haven’t felt in what feels like forever?

I keep watching Buffy as she walks further down the deserted road and it dawns on me that she has no weapons in case there’s something nasty lurking out here just waiting to pounce. I crush out my cigarette with the heel of my boot and I grab two stakes out from the trunk. I lock up the car and start to jog towards her, catching up to her in a minute.

“Oh so _now_ you decide to come,” Buffy mutters and I just shrug and hand her one of the stakes. “What’s this for, Faith? Do you honestly believe there are vampires out here? In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of nowhere.”

“Got a point there, but this is like the main stretch leading into Sunnydale from this end. How else ya think the vamps and other nasties get here? Sure as hell don’t fly first class.”

She doesn’t say anything. She just walks swiftly and crosses her arms over her chest. I follow, lingering a little bit behind but still at her side. I aimlessly twirl the stake in my hand a few times before I tuck it into the inside pocket of my jean jacket. It’s cool out here and only getting colder as it grows darker. I’m used to the cold and it stopped bothering me a long time ago. Those cool nights in California ain’t got nothing on those bitterly cold winter nights in Boston. But I know Buffy sure as hell ain’t used to it and it isn’t long before I can see her visibly shivering.

I tuck the stake into my back pocket of my jeans and shrug off my jacket. I put it over her shoulders and am a little surprised when she doesn’t tell me off. She just pulls it on and sighs a little bit before crossing her arms back over her chest. I’m only wearing a long sleeved shirt; it’s thin and doesn’t keep the cold from reaching the warmth of my body. I pick up the pace, not only wanting to get to the gas station and back to the car as quickly as possible.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I can see the neon sign up ahead. It’s not close, but at least it’s within sight now. I shove my hands into the front pocket of my jeans and keep walking at a brisk pace. I glance back and notice Buffy has fallen behind quite a bit. With a heavy sigh, I turn around, walk back to her, and stop her from taking another step.

“You okay, B?”

“I’m fine.”

“Tired?”

She nods. “I didn’t get any sleep last night.”

“And whose fault is that?” I ask with an easy chuckle. She rolls her eyes, but she laughs a little too. “Come on, it’s not much further. Soon as we get some gas, we can get you home and all tucked into bed, Princess.”

Buffy rolls her eyes again and we continue walking down the side of the road. “You really haven’t changed all that much, have you, Faith?” She asks me after we’ve been walking for a minute or two. “You’re still you.”

“Yeah, B, I’m still me. Just changed all the _wrong_ things about me best as I could. Still a work in progress here.”

“I can tell.”

“Guess this is the “bonding” thing Angel was hoping would happen between us, huh?”

Buffy laughs at that and I smile right back at her. It feels easy and I know it’s not. I don’t know how long this is gonna last before things go right back to the way they were yesterday before we left for LA. Whatever Angel had said to her had changed her tune when it came to me, but I’m not so sure if I’m supposed to be thankful for that or what.

I don’t know whether to keep up this awkward--yet not--conversation with her, or just wait for her to continue it first. It seems like the ball is in her court and I’m just waiting for her to make the play.

I want to ask her how she’s been feeling. I haven’t seen her since the morning after I found her. She seems to be in a bit better place though. There’s a bit of life in her eyes now, but nothing like before she died. I don’t know why that is, but I’m betting it has to do with being yanked outta some hell dimension by her friends.

Now that I’m thinking about that, I’m starting to get pissed as hell at Willow and the rest of the Scooby gang for doing what they did. _And_ for keeping me outta the loop. You’d think after all I’ve done for them all summer, the least they would’ve done was let me know what they were planning. I honestly can’t wait for Giles to get back. He’s not gonna hold back and he’ll put them all in their place since I couldn’t.

And now that I think of Giles coming back to Sunnydale, I’m starting to wonder if that means his apartment ain’t gonna be mine anymore. Guess I’ll find out when the time comes. I’m not too worried about a place to stay though. I’ve always figured things out no matter how hard they’ve gotten, only now I can’t do it the way I used to.

Still got the “want, take, have” motto, just the “have” part of it has turned into “earn it the honest way”.

“Do you normally think this much?” Buffy asks, a teasing tone to her voice and it jars me from my thoughts far too quickly.

“Uh, yeah, sometimes.”

I see Buffy raise an eyebrow and we walk into the parking lot of the gas station. The place is empty and anyone would’ve thought the place was closed or shut down if it weren’t for the “open” sign in the window of the shack and the old man sitting in a plastic lawn chair with an old hound dog lying at his feet.

“Run outta gas, did ya?” The man rasps as I approach him. I nod my head and look back at Buffy. She’s keeping her distance. “Five bucks to rent the gas can to get ya back to your car.”

He points to a rusted metal gas can behind him and I shrug as I dig out my wallet from my back pocket. I hand him the five and I grab the gas can and head to the only gas pump this joint has. I fill it up and pay the man the ten dollars for the very little gas in the can, probably barely enough to get us back here to fill up the tank.

“Um, Faith?” Buffy whispers as I start to walk back to the road. “Do you think he has a bathroom somewhere?”

I look back and laugh, shaking my head no. “Squat in the bushes, B, if ya gotta go that bad. If that dude _has_ a bathroom, from the looks and smell of him, couldn’t pay me enough money to use it.”

She groans in disgust as we reach the road and start the long walk back to the car. It’s gotten colder out and it’s got me shivering like I’ve been caught in a blizzard in the arctic. Buffy slips my jacket off and hands it back to me without a word. I nod my thanks to her, slip it on quickly and we continue on our way.

The walk back to the car seems quicker than it did walking to the gas station. Buffy gets in while I pour the gas into the tank. I all but jump in the front seat, turn the car around, and head back to the gas station. We couldn’t have been gone more than half an hour, maybe forty minutes tops, but when I pull into the parking lot, the old man is no longer in the plastic lawn chair and the dog is still lying next to it.

“Yo?” I call out for the man, wondering if maybe he stepped inside the shake for a minute. I sigh and get out of the car. “B, you know how to work the pump? Do me a favour and fill up while I go look for this guy.”

“I uh--okay,” she stammers and gets out of the car.

I walk over to the shack’s window and peer inside. It’s dark, but not pitch black and I can only faintly make out a table with an ancient looking cash register on it and behind it is a cot and a rack with a couple of clothes hanging off it.

“Hello?” I call out as I tap on the window. There’s no movement inside and I walk around to the back of the shed, looking for the door. Its darker back there and I can’t see much. I trip over something hard and lumpy. “Shit.”

“Faith?” Buffy calls out.

I don’t answer her. I look down at what I just tripped over and it’s the old man. He’s dead. I kneel down next to him and check his pulse, just to be sure. His neck is warm and wet with blood and I back away, grabbing my stake out of my back pocket. Vampire.

I jog around to the pump just as Buffy finishes filling up the tank. “We got a problem, B,” I say quietly. “Vamp killed that old man.”

“Yeah? I’m pretty sure that dog is dead too.”

I pop open the trunk and pull out the two swords that Wesley had given to me back in LA. Buffy looks down at them and I hand her one without a word. We search the property, moving quickly and quietly. There’s no sign of anything else having been here, but I know that man was killed by a vamp and that that vamp can’t be too far.

I try to tune out the buzz I get from Buffy and try to concentrate. It’s difficult, but not impossible. I head around behind the shack and walk up the hill behind it. Buffy is right behind me. I crouch down low when we reach the top of the hill. I peer down and that’s when I see them. Four of them crouched around a small fire, laughing as they root through a trunk or a safe I’m betting they stole from that old man.

I motion to Buffy to get ready, but she’s already on her feet and heading down towards them, keeping herself hidden in behind the prickly bushes that litter this side of the hill. I groan and shake my head. I should’ve expected that. Buffy doesn’t follow, she leads and even death hasn’t changed that.

I follow her down and she crouches behind a boulder. I’m next to her and she holds a finger up to her lips. I peer over the side at the vamps and they’re still laughing and rooting through what definitely is a safe. Buffy motions for me to flank the left and I grab on to her arm and shake my head no. four more vamps show up from the other end of the small valley we’re in. four vamps we can take out together, no problem, but eight of them? I don’t know if Buffy is even ready for that.

Of course she doesn’t listen to me and pulls her arm away from my grip. She runs out, sword at the ready, startling the vamps that are huddled around the fire. She easily decapitates two of them and backs up as the others rise to their feet, game faces on and ready for a fight.

I join her, flanking her left, holding my sword tightly in my right hand. The vamps look at us then at each other. They’re smirking. Probably think they’re gonna win this fight. There are only six of them now, giving us better odds at dusting them without us being hurt or nearly killed in the process.

Slaying vamps is like riding a bike, once you know how to do it you never forget. That saying is true to form as Buffy jumps into the fray, not wasting time or energy in fighting the vamps. I know she already proved herself with the Hellions the night she was brought back to life, but I was worried maybe she’d taken a couple steps back since. I barely have time to blink before she’s decapitated two more vamps. She’s panting heavily and she backs up to stand next to me.

The four remaining vamps look stronger than the first four Buffy successfully dusted without a fight. These ones won’t be easy. I spot the one who likely fed on the old man and I know he’ll be the one that’ll be harder to kill. A vamp who just fed is always pumped up, ready and raring to go. Quicker. Sometimes smarter. Definitely not invincible though. I single the vamp out and it’s almost as if Buffy knows what I’m thinking. She moves quickly towards the others and I take it as a sign to make the first move with the vamp in front of me.

I hit him with a left hook to the face and it feels like I just punched a cement wall. He’s laughing at me as I take a couple steps back and clench my throbbing hand into a fist, trying to fight off the searing pain. Whatever this vamp is, it’s more than just juiced up ‘cause it just fed.

“Faith, what are you doing? Stake him already!” Buffy yells out as she takes out the last of the vamps she was fighting. “Faith?”

“Working on it, B,” I mutter under my breath and I take a swing at the vamp with my sword, missing him on purpose with hopes of catching him off guard. “That all ya got, buddy?”

“You’ve no idea what you’re about to face, Slayer,” he growls as I take another swing at him. This time I get him, slicing the skin on his face from his cheekbone down to the corner of his lips. He growls loudly in pain and it sends shivers through my body. “You’ll pay for this.”

Before I can take another swing at him, he’s gone. I spin around and look for which way he could’ve gone, but it’s like he just disappeared. Fuck, this isn’t good.

“Faith, what the hell was that?”

“What, B?”

“You just let him get away!”

“I didn’t let him do anything. Fuck,” I groan loudly and I look down at the hand I used to punch him. Definitely broke a couple of fingers. “Sometimes they get away. We’ll get the asshole another time.”

“Faith?” Buffy’s voice is calmer this time and she stands next to me, carefully cradling my hand in hers. “What happened? Are you okay?”

I pull away from her and I head back to the car. I move quickly, not wanting to stick around in case any more vamps decide to show up outta the blue. I don’t even look back to make sure Buffy is following me ‘cause I can feel her just a couple of steps behind me.

I jump into the driver’s seat and start up the car. Buffy gets into the passenger seat and tosses the sword into the back seat next to where I just tossed mine. I drive outta there quickly, not wanting to stick around. Whatever just happened with that vamp, it wasn’t normal and I’m not hunting the asshole down and get myself killed before I find out some facts.

The rest of the drive back to Sunnydale is quiet. I keep looking over at Buffy and all she’s doing is staring out the window with a frown permanently fixed on her face. I know she’s pissed. I know she wanted to stay and find that vamp and dust him. I don’t need to talk to her to know that’s exactly what she’s thinking right now. But, the problem is, I don’t think she’s thinking too clearly right now. she just wants a fight and I know if she finds that vamp and fights him, she won’t make it outta that fight alive. I can’t let her do something that stupid. I feel like I’m responsible for her now.

Or at least I feel like I’m the responsible one outta the two of us. Funny ‘cause it’s always been the other way around.

****

I pace the floor in the training room, trying to drown out the voices coming from the front of the shop. After we got to Sunnydale, I fully planned on dropping Buffy at her place and going down to Willy’s after for a couple of drinks. What I didn’t plan on was for Xander to be waiting for us at the Summers’ house to tell us the others were at the Magic Box with Giles.

Turns out while we were driving back from LA and sitting at the side of the road ‘cause apparently I’m an idiot--Buffy’s words not mine--Giles returned to Sunnydale. When we got to the Magic Box, Giles barely looked at me, his full attention on Buffy and Buffy alone. There were a few tears shed, from both of them, and I could hardly watch their little reunion without feeling my own tears threatening to surface.

But their little reunion was short lived. Buffy told him and the others what happened while we’d stopped for gas. This prompted them to start an all-night research session, one that I was asked to participate in as well. I tell ya, I was a little disappointed I missed Giles yelling at Willow for doing that spell to bring Buffy back. I was looking forward to that. Thanks to Dawn though, I heard all about it when she slipped out with me when I snuck out to have a cigarette, she told me he called Willow a stupid rank amateur and that she should’ve never tried to invoke such strong, dark magic.

I would’ve given anything to be there when that went down. I could tell though the way Giles looked at the others when they started to do the research on what could make a vampire more powerful, that he was pissed right off at all of them. And me.

“Hey,” Buffy says as she walks into the back room and shuts the door quietly behind her. “You okay?” She asks as she points to my bandaged hand.

“I’ll live. Couple broken bones,” I shrug and I glance down at my hand for a moment. “It’ll be good as new in a couple days. Perks of being a slayer. You guys getting anywhere with the research?”

“Nope,” she sighs and she sits down on the couch. “So far we’re not finding anything. Just came back to tell you we’re calling it a night.”

I glance towards the window and I can see the first rays of dawn beginning to poke up over the horizon. I shake my head, walk over to the small fridge, and pull out two bottled waters. I toss one to Buffy and open mine with a little difficulty.

“I called Angel,” Buffy says quietly. “He said he’s gonna dig around and see what he can find out.”

“Do ya get the feeling something isn’t quite right here, B?” I ask her and she nods her head slowly. “I keep getting this feeling since we’ve been back, this heavy sinking feeling there is something going on and we’re not gonna figure out what it is until people start dropping like flies around here.”

“I hope you’re wrong.”

“And if I’m not?”

“We’ll figure it out and put an end to it.”

I smile a little at that. She smiles right back at me before she chugs back most of her water. I can’t seem to look away from her and when she catches me staring at her a little too long, I turn away and head over to the radio to turn it on. I can feel my cheeks burning and I curse under my breath, wondering when the hell I started blushing over stupid little things. With Buffy back now, everything is a mess inside my head. Past feelings are resurfacing even though I’m trying my hardest to keep them buried.

I just don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

The way I feel about Buffy is a mixed bag. Always has been and that sure hasn’t changed now. It’s kinda nice she isn’t trying to kick my ass and be a total bitch to me though. I know I can’t get used to that. Even after what we talked about in LA, I still get the feeling things aren’t all a-okay between us. Not yet. Not even sure it’ll ever be okay between us.

“Hey, Faith?”

“Yeah, B?”

“Do you think you’ll be okay to patrol later?”

“Want me to cover for ya while ya get some beauty sleep, Princess?” I ask her and she laughs.

“No. I want you to come out on patrol with me. Two slayers are better than one. Especially now since we have no idea what we’re dealing with yet and we have no idea how many more of those vamps are out there.”

“It’s a date,” I say with a wink. “I’ll meet you at yours just before sunset. Don’t expect any flowers or anything, B. And just so you know, I do kiss on the first date so you might get lucky tonight.”

She knows I’m joking around with her, but it doesn’t stop her from getting flustered. She can’t hide the blush that’s crept over her cheeks as she heads for the door. She stops like she’s gonna turn around and say something, but all she does is shake her head and walk out, leaving me alone in the training room with the radio on and my heart pounding like a bitch.

I grip at my chest with my good hand and try to calm down. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, drowning out the music. Once my heart stops pounding, I can hear the others in the front of the shop. The only one I don’t hear talking is Buffy, so I figure she’s left already. Whatever is going on between us, the back and forth, it’s confusing the hell out of me since I don’t know what to make of it.

I grab my jacket and head for the back door, wanting to make a quick escape without facing any of the others. I stop short when the door shuts behind me. Buffy is sitting in the alley on a couple of crates, staring off at nothing as a few tears roll down her cheeks.

“B?”

She doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t look at me. Another tear falls.

“Buffy?” I try again, trying to shake that déjà vu feeling off since I’ve already been here with her once. “You okay? Thought you headed home,” I say as I take a seat on the crate next to her.

She wipes away at her tears almost angrily and takes a few deep, shuddering breaths. She shakes her head no at my question, but doesn’t speak. I don’t know whether to stay or leave her be, but I decide to take the chance and stay right there with her.

“Everything feels so different now,” Buffy whispers. “It’s not like it was before. Home doesn’t feel like home.” She pauses for a moment, almost as if she’s wondering if she should keep talking. “I keep expecting to wake up and find out all of this is just a horrible nightmare.”

“Is it really that bad, B?”

“I was happy,” she sighs heavily as she looks down at her hands in her lap and I stare at her in confusion. “Wherever I was, I was happy. At peace.”

I see the few tears as they try to escape and she’s forcing them back with all she’s got in her. She doesn’t want me to see her cry. Again. My heart is beating quickly now and I’m wondering what it is she’s trying to tell me.

“I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form, but I was still me, you know?” Buffy looks at me for a moment and quickly looks away. “And I was warm, and I was loved, and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or any of it, really, but I think I was in Heaven.”

I don’t know why she’s telling me any of this, but I have a feeling she hasn’t said a word to the others. I try not to let my own emotions get the best of me and just listen. It’s all she needs right now is for someone to listen and I just so happen to be that someone.

“And now I'm not,” she says, choking up a little. “I was torn out of there. Pulled out by my friends. Everything here is hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch…this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that…knowing what I've lost...”

She gets up from the crate she’s sitting on and turns her back to me. I know she’s crying now. I stand up, walk up behind her, and place a hand on her shoulder. She stops walking away and I feel her shudder as she takes a few deep breaths.

“They can never know. Never.”

She turns to me and I nod my head with an unspoken promise that what she just confided in me would never be repeated. I don’t know what to say to her, but she throws me off guard when she wraps her arms around me and hugs me tight. I take a moment to bask in the feel of Buffy hugging me tight. She feels soft, and although her hug is almost at slayer strength, it feels good. I slowly bring myself to wrap my arms around her body and she sighs as she lays her head on my shoulder. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not the one who should be right here right now with her, holding her after hearing that her friends had ripped her out of Heaven.

I don’t move away from her and instead, I hold her tighter. It’s not long before I can feel the hot, wet tears on my shoulder and I gently rub her back, trying to get her to stop. This is something I’ve never done before, comfort someone especially Buffy, but it feels right. Natural. Like this is how it’s supposed to be and not the way that it used to be between us. Something changed when Buffy came back, I sensed it right away, but the way she’s acting right now just seems to solidify the fact that she’s not who she used to be before she died.

I keep expecting her to snap out of it and realize just who she’s holding on to tightly. She doesn’t though and when she pulls back to look at me, I have to fight the urge to wipe away the tears staining her cheeks. Her eyes are searching mine as if she’s trying to find answers to her unspoken questions. Fear and confusion washes over her face as she quickly steps back and out of my arms.

She doesn’t say a word as she walks away. I just watch her walk down the alley towards the street and I’m standing here like an idiot with jaw dropped and my whole body feeling like it’s glued to the spot.

It takes a few minutes before everything sinks in and the anger replaces the shock I’m feeling in a blink of an eye. I start walking out of the alley and head down to Willy’s bar. It’s early, but he’s always open and I need a drink to calm myself down. I head there with hopes of dulling the thoughts and emotions wreaking havoc on me, and with a lingering hope I’d run into Spike or another vamp I can use as punching bag.

This is turning into one hell of a long morning and it’s far from over yet.


	12. Chapter Twelve

** Chapter Twelve **

 

What Buffy confided in me is doing a replay in my head. Over and over and over again. I’m sitting at a table in a dark corner at Willy’s with a glass of whiskey, straight up in front of me, untouched. There are a few vamps lingering around, drunk and trying to wait out the sunlight so they can crawl back to whatever dark, dank hole they call home.

I shake as I pick up the glass, but I don’t take a sip, I just stare at the amber liquid as it sloshes around inside the glass. I put it back down and breathe in heavily. I just want what she said to stop replaying in my head. Just for a minute. Even a second would be nice.

I can deal with Buffy being back. I can deal with her being traumatized and trying to get over it and trying to fix whatever went wrong between us one day at a time. But I can’t deal with knowing she’d been in Heaven and now she’s back here, a literal hell on earth in Sunnydale.

“Spike, I’m not in the mood,” I say under my breath as Spike sits down in the chair across from me. “Shouldn’t you be, oh I don’t know, sleeping in your crypt right about now?”

“Should be, yeah,” he nods and places his bottle of beer down on the table. “Can’t though. Sleep, that is,” he says and I roll my eyes and lean back in the chair. “Want to know why that is?”

“No, I really don’t.”

“Buffy,” he says as he raises and eyebrow. “Something’s not quite right about her and I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Fine, I’ll play,” I sigh and I take a sip of my drink. “What’s wrong with her?”

“She came back wrong, don’t you see?”

“And you know this how, Spike?”

“Just a feeling,” he replies and he laughs when I glare at him. “What, I can’t get a feeling? Just ‘cause I don’t have a soul, doesn’t mean I don’t got intuition about things, Slayer.”

I reach across the table and grab him by the front of his shirt before he can even blink. “You back to stalking her, Spike?”

“Watching isn’t stalking, Slayer, you know that,” he sneers and I pull him until he’s within an inch away from my face. “She didn’t tell you, did she? We had a little run in last night after you two got back from your little trip down to see Angel.”

“Ya got a point here, Spike?” I hiss and I shove him back down to his chair. “Better make it fast,” I say as I reach into my jacket and pull out my stake. “My patience with you is wearing thin so fucking fast that I don’t give a damn what the other say. I will end you, here and now. So, talk. Fast.”

“I could hurt her,” he says as he brushes out his shirt. He takes a swig of his beer and scoffs. “Don’t you get it, Faith? I could _hurt_ her and this chip of mine didn’t fire off.”

“It’s malfunctioning or something,” I reply and I smirk as I give my stake a little wave at him. “All the more reason for me to put you down like the sick, bad little dog you are.”

“That’s the thing, it’s not malfunctioning. I thought the same thing at first. Went off to get me some dinner and bam,” he says as he smacks the side of his head and winces, “the bugger went off, same as ever. Not with Buffy though. She’s not quite human. Just thought you should know.”

I’m on my feet and I have one hand pulling him up by the scruff of his neck and the other holding the stake. I don’t even notice the pain until we’re separated by a very nervous looking Willy.

“You two know the rules,” he says quickly. “No slaying or fighting in here. Scares off the clientele. Call me crazy, but I rely on their business. You two got a problem with each other? Take it outside.”

“Are you daft, Willy?” Spike laughs and he points to the single solid line of sunlight streaming in through a crack in one of the boarded up windows. “You want me to walk out to my death just to have a word with a slayer who has a short fuse?”

“Not my problem, buddy. Outside or downstairs. Just not in front of the others,” he says as he waves a hand in the general direction of the few patrons sitting at the bar, now paying full attention to us.

Spike motions for me to follow and I grab my drink, staring him down as I take back what’s in the glass and inhale sharply as the whiskey burns on its way down. I spin the stake in my hand and tuck it back in my pocket as I walk over to Willy.

“Don’t worry,” I say as I pat him on the chest. “Not gonna do anything to scare off your precious clientele here, Willy boy.”

“You’re not welcome here anymore, Slayer,” he stammers and I laugh it off and follow Spike to the door that leads to the stairs downstairs.

I follow Spike down the stairs into the dusty, dark basement and over to the hatch that no doubt leads down to the sewers. He opens the door and motions for me to go first. I roll my eyes and jump down, landing on my feet into about two inches of filthy sludge.

“Nice,” I groan as I step out of it and onto the ledge that runs down the length of the narrow sewer tunnel. “Couldn’t have just had this conversation up there, could we?”

“Too many ears listening,” Spike says as he casually lights a cigarette and offers me one from his pack. I shake my head and he shrugs. “Listen, believe what you want, but Buffy came back wrong. Surely you’ve noticed it with all the “bonding” you’ve been doing since heading down to LA to see tall, dark and broody himself.”

“She’s different, I’ll give you that much,” I reply carefully. “I don’t think she’s come back “wrong”, Spike. She’s just…adjusting.”

“Call it what you want, Slayer, I know otherwise.”

“You know jack squat.”

“Do I? Just like I know of your little affection for the certain little blonde slayer, one that blinds you from seeing what’s really there.”

“My little affection?” I laugh. “What the hell does that even mean, Spike?”

“You’re in love with her.”

“Got it all wrong.”

“No,” Spike sneers as he shakes his head and backs me up against the wall. “I’m right and you know it. Have you even admitted it to yourself or are you gonna let it torture you like it did the last time? Drove you mad, didn’t it? Feeling that way about her and knowing she never felt the same way.”

Can I stake him already? Fucks sake. He’s a serious thorn in my side and sure, he’s right about how I feel about Buffy and everything, but there’s no way in hell he’s right about her coming back wrong.

“I’m in the same boat as you are, love,” he whispers and the way he says it chills me to the core. “She knows I love her, yet it disgusts her that something like me can feel that way about her. I’m willing to bet if she knew how you felt, she’d think the same way.”

“I’m not you, Spike,” I snap at him and he chuckles as he backs away from me. “I’m not a monster.”

“No? You sure about that?”

“Positive.”

“How long has it been?”

“Since?” I ask and he chuckles under his breath as he shakes his head.

“Since you last killed a human.”

“Over a year.”

“Can’t change in a year, Slayer. You may be on a path to redemption, but it doesn’t quite work that way. You should know better than that.”

“What can I say, Spike? I’m a rebel. I’m not like others that are “like” me. Besides,” I say as I pull out the stake and back him up to the wall so quickly the cigarette drops from between his dead lips as I press the tip of the stake against his chest. “What the hell would you know about redemption? Having a chip in your head doesn’t make you any better than what you are, Spike. It doesn’t make you any better than _me_.”

“No, it makes you like me, forced to be something you’re not.”

“I’m not being forced to do anything.”

“A leopard can’t change its spots overnight.”

“Am I a fucking leopard, Spike? I’m a fucking _human being_. I have a soul. I have a conscience. Just so happens that now I’m listening to said conscious and am fully aware that I have a soul that is fucking begging me to change into a better person here.”

“Bang up job you’re doing so far,” he says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “No really. You’ve won the Scoobs over. Giles looks at you like a daughter, his other daughter at least. The one that comes after his beloved Buffy, of course.”

“Fuck you, Spike.”

He laughs as he lights another cigarette and this time when he offers me one, I take it willingly. I need it to calm me down. I can feel the anger, the hate coursing through my veins and as much as I want to stake him, I know I _can’t_.

“Keep a close eye on her, Slayer,” he says as he starts to walk down the tunnel.

Whatever he means by that, I’m not gonna take it too seriously. It is _Spike_ after all and I don’t trust him. I look around the sewer tunnel before I head left, knowing if I stick to this tunnel, it’ll lead right to the Magic Box. After that little conversation with Spike, I’m so not in the mood to be around anyone, human or otherwise.

****

The couch in the training room is definitely not comfortable enough to sleep on it for a few hours, but I was tired and just laid down to have a quick little nap. Nobody was at the Magic Box when I got there this morning, except for Anya who was working, tending to the odd customer that strolled through the door. She didn’t even know I came back, which is fine by me.

I groan as I get up from the couch and look at the clock on the wall. Ten after five. Slept longer than I planned to. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, ignoring the hunger pangs as I head to the front of the shop. Anya just closed up for the night and the Scoobs are already sitting around the table, continuing where they left off with the research early this morning. The only one noticeably absent was Buffy.

I help myself to the last donut in the box and I take a seat next to Dawn and Tara. Xander and Anya are whispering quietly to each other, the books open in front of them virtually being ignored. Giles is at the desk, books piled high. He sips from his cup of tea and looks over at me with a slight frown on his face. I grab a book and flip through it, barely looking at the pages. I already know that whatever that vamp was juiced up on, we’re not gonna find out about it in some book.

I shake my head as I look around at the Scoobs. They have no idea what they’ve done to Buffy. I wonder how they’d feel if they knew they pulled her out of Heaven. I want to tell them, but I can’t do that to Buffy. She confided in me and told me that they can never know. They’re gonna find out eventually, but it’s not gonna be from me. I gotta earn Buffy’s trust somehow.

The bell over the door jingles and I look over as Buffy walks in carrying a couple boxes of pizza. She smiles as she places the boxes down on the table over the pile of books and shrugs off her jacket. Xander is the first to reach for a slice, mumbling his thanks of bringing food. The others dive in, grateful for a pizza break.

There’s small talk about plans for Halloween that’s in just a few short weeks. Anya is planning to go all out, decking the Magic Box in generic Halloween decorations and the works. Halloween has never appealed to me, but Anya keeps asking me if I’ll help her and the Scoobs out since that day is the busiest day of the year for the Magic Box. I shrug and agree, figuring what’s the worst thing that could happen? Have a little fun, put on a scary mask and scare some kids just for fun. All a part of the Halloween spirit.

I find something wrong about the fact that it’s barely been a week since Buffy has been back and they’re all acting like she’s never been dead and that they resurrected her. I can’t sit here with them any longer and I grab my jacket and walk out the front door, ignoring the calls from the Scooby gang asking me where I’m going.

The sun is still out when I step outside and I chew the last bite of pizza quickly as I slip on my jacket. The streets are quiet, void of people for the most part, the odd car driving down, never slowing, never stopping, acting like all the driver of the car wants to do it get the hell outta town.

“Faith?” Buffy calls out as she walks out of the Magic Shop. “Faith, where are you going?”

“Anywhere but here,” I reply with a shrug, but I stop and turn to face her. “Don’t you find this whole act they’re pulling a load of shit, B?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The way they’re acting like everything is fine! They’re acting like you were never dead and gone, B. Fuck. I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely not okay with them acting like that.”

“You weren’t here when Giles laid it on them,” Buffy says sharply. “You weren’t here when he brought Dawn to tears or when he yelled at Willow for being stupid to use that spell to bring me back.”

“No, I wasn’t there for that. Wished I was.”

“What’s gotten into you, Faith?”

“What, B?” I snap at her and I start walking with her following right on my heels. “Don’t like that I’m looking at the whole picture here? Don’t like that I see things for how they are and that I ain’t pretending the last four months didn’t happen?”

“No, I--”

“Had a little run in with Spike this morning, but I’m betting it’s nothing like the little run in you two had.”

All the colour drains from her face and she grabs on to my arm, pulling me into the back alley. She looks around, looking scared, but then in seconds she looks majorly pissed off. I smirk before I light a cigarette and take a few easy steps back from her. I want to keep my distance with the angry little slayer loses it and needs something or someone--namely me--to punch.

“What did he tell you?”

“A lot of things,” I reply easily. Buffy starts to pace back and forth in front of me, glaring at me as she does. “One thing sticks out the most. Bet you can guess what that is. No,” I say quickly before she can respond. “Let me. He told me something pretty interesting, pretty fucked up too. Thinks you came back wrong ‘cause that chip of his didn’t fire off when he hit you.”

“Faith, don’t.”

“See, I’ve spent four months with Spike hanging around, being a pain in my ass and a thorn in my side, but I’ve seen how that chip in his head affects him. I’ve seen him hit a human before and how much screaming pain he was in. It just doesn’t stop working. Not unless you’re not human.”

“Stop.”

“So, what are you?” I ask her and I move quickly, backing her up against the chain-link fence that surrounds one of the many abandoned houses along this stretch. “What the _hell_ are you, Buffy?”

“I’m _me_!” She yells into my face.

She’s pissed, really pissed, but I don’t care. What Spike said is bugging me. Everything is bugging me. This is not how life is supposed to be, yet I don’t even know _how_ it’s supposed to be. It just feels wrong the way it is right now. She grabs onto the front of my jack, spins around and pushes me back, catching me off-guard as I stumble back into an opening in the chain-link fence. She pushes me again, but I stand with my feet firmly on the ground. I should’ve seen the hard right hook coming before I felt it.

Finally the beat down I’ve been expecting is coming. How fucking awesome. Doesn’t mean I’m not prepared to fight back. No way in hell am I letting a tiny angry slayer kick my ass just ‘cause she’s pissed off at me and the rest of the world right now.

I punch her back, not slayer strength, but hard enough to show her I’m not gonna stand here and just take it from her without fighting back. Buffy tackles me and we go crashing through the boarded up doorway. I struggle to get to my feet, but she’s too quick. She grabs the front of my jacket and flings me across the empty room. I land against the wall hard, the wind nearly being knocked outta me. She’s playing rough. I’m game.

“He was right then, wasn’t he? You came back wrong, didn’t you?”

“Shut up.”

“How’s it feel, B?”

“Go to hell.”

I throw the first punch this time, hoping it’ll knock some sense into her. All it does is make her angrier. I chuckle softly as I walk circles around her, watching her, waiting for her next move.

“All I want is to feel,” she whispers. “Maybe he is right, Faith. Maybe I did come back wrong. Nothing feels like it did before. I can’t feel happy or anything good. All I feel is so god damn angry all the time.”

Okay, so not what I expected. Then again, I don’t know what I expected when she turned into the angry little slayer I haven’t seen since before I went to prison.

“You don’t know what it’s like not to be able to feel anything,” she says and she surprises me with a kick to my stomach that sends me flying into the staircase.

“Bet this feels good, B. Kicking my ass like old times,” I smirk as I get to my feet. “You and me? We’re not so different.”

“We are different. I’m _nothing_ like you. I will never be like you.”

I shake my head, disagreeing with her. She doesn’t see it. She doesn’t see how much alike we really, truly are. She’s dishing out pain ‘cause she’s hurting inside. She wants to hurt me so she can feel something, anything other than the pain she’s feeling right now. I know how she feels, not entirely since I didn’t die and come back from Heaven. I watch her, standing my ground, breathing heavily. She charges at me, grabs me by my shoulders, and flings me across the room. I roll across the wooden floor, trying to break the fall as much as I can.

I don’t want to do this with her. I don’t want to fight. I hold up my hands as I get to my feet, but she’s right there in front of me again and she tries to throw another hard right hook to my head. I move quickly and stop her, grabbing on to her fist and reaching for her other hand before she can make another move.

“Buffy, stop,” I plead. “Why are you doing this? Why are you fighting me?”

She shakes her head and pulls her hands free of my grip. I can tell she isn’t gonna answer me, but I’m fine with that since I _know_ why she’s fighting me. The truth hurts and she’s dishing out the pain she’s feeling.

I block every punch she throws my way and avoid the kicks she throws in between punches. She’s determined to kick my ass, but I’m not gonna let her. I manage to grab a hold of her and I fling her away from me, sending her crashing into one of the posts. The plaster cracks and I’m right there in front of her, holding her there, hoping she’ll calm down. She’s breathing heavily and there are tears in her eyes. Angry tears. They don’t fall and I can tell she’s holding them back with all that she has.

“You’re lost, aren’t you, B?” I ask her and she shakes her head no as she pushes me away.

“I’m not the one who is lost, Faith,” she says with a sneer. “You’re supposed to be the bad slayer. Everyone is supposed to hate you, not forgive you and act like you’ve done nothing wrong. You haven’t changed; you’ve just let yourself lose who you truly are.”

“You’re wrong,” I say through gritted teeth. “I changed who I was ‘cause I hated what I’d become. How many fucking times are we gonna go through this, B?”

“As many times as it takes.”

I laugh and it sets something off inside of her. She charges at me again and throws me into the brick fireplace behind me. I hit it hard and groan in pain as I sit there for a couple seconds. I’m back on my feet and I’m right in her face.

“You know something, B? I wasn’t gonna stand here and let you kick my ass to hell and back. I wasn’t even planning on hurting you. Much,” I say and she gets a punch in so I punch her right back.

“You haven’t even come close to hurting me.”

“That so?” I ask as I watch the blood trickle from her now split lip. “Thought that’s what you wanted, B? You want to feel physical pain ‘cause you can’t feel anything else.”

She grabs the front of my shirt and spins me around. She backs me up to the post and pins herself against me. I can feel her heart beating against my chest. I can feel her breath on my lips. I can practically taste the anger brewing inside of her. I can do nothing other than stand right where I am with her pressed up against me. I just stare at her, waiting for whatever is coming next. A punch. Another kick. More words meant to hurt me or throw me off so she can catch me off-guard and hurt me some more.

I open my mouth to say something, but her lips are on mine and she’s kissing me hard. I pull back and look at her, wondering what the hell she’s thinking right now. She only grabs my head with both hands and kisses me again. My brain kicks into overdrive and I kiss her back just as hard. I can feel how angry she is by the way she’s kissing me. I grip at her hips as she spins us around and tries to push me away.

“Buffy?” I whisper, my lips numb, her name feeling foreign on my lips.

I’m the one who moves forward and kisses her again. I moan when I feel her tongue desperately searching out for mine. The kiss is heated. Wild. And I want more.

My hands are gripping her waist, almost afraid to move anywhere else but there. I don’t know what’s going on or why she’s kissing me when we’re supposed to be kicking each other’s asses for a multitude of reasons here. I want to stop, take a step back, calm down and figure this out. Yet at the same time, I don’t want to stop--I can’t.

Buffy pulls back from my lips, panting hard as she slams me up against the wall by the broken stairs. I feel the plaster crack behind me and she grabs my left hand, gripping my wrist tightly as she pulls it away from her waist. I can hear the building cracking all around us. The floor is shaking and I know this place is gonna fall apart any second now. My breath gets caught in my throat when I feel her unzip my jeans. She shoves her hand inside and plunges two fingers inside of me, hard.

I bite my lower lip, trying to remember how to breathe, trying to make sense of how we got here with her hand inside my pants and two fingers buried knuckle deep inside of me.

Buffy takes my hand she’s still gripping tight on to and guides it along her thigh, up the slit along her leather skirt. Her skin is smooth. Warm. I pull her skirt to the side with my free hand as she lets go of the other. I trail my fingertips along her inner thigh, feeling her quiver beneath my fingertips. She grips on to my arm and I take it as a sign to keep going. I brush my index finger along her panties. She’s soaked. She thrusts her fingers hard inside of me as I slip my hand under the edge of her panties.

She moves to grip the back of my neck as I thrust two fingers knuckle deep inside of her. Her lips are on mine, kissing me hungrily as I match her rhythm, fucking her hard and deep. I push myself away from the wall and she loses her balance, falling back and taking me right with her. We land on the floor and it gives away, but we don’t stop as we hit the hard cement floor in the basement with the condemned building falling apart all around us.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

** Chapter Thirteen **

 

I keep thinking I’m dreaming. That’s gotta be what’s happening here ‘cause in the real world, Buffy would never let me get close enough to kiss her, to touch her. I pull back from her lips and hold my breath as I stare down at her. She’s still angry, but not near as much as a few minutes ago. I breathe in deeply, not moving much as Buffy lies beneath me breathing heavily, her heart racing in time with mine. She closes her eyes as I exhale slowly, my breath tickling over her lips.

The dust and debris have settled since we crashed through the floor and landed in the basement. I take a moment to really just look deep into her eyes, searching for some kind of an answer or a reason why this is all happening. There’s a certain fire in her eyes I haven’t seen before and damn, I’d be lying if I said it isn’t turning me on.

“Fuck, you okay, B?” I pant softly as her fingers slick over me a few times before she pulls her hand out of my pants. “That was something else, huh?”

“I’m fine.”

I raise an eyebrow as I wiggle the fingers I still have buried inside of her. She moans as she grips my back and I can feel her nails digging through my clothes. I lift up from her a little as I move my fingers in and out of her slowly, wondering when the hell she’s gonna snap outta it and throw me off of her.

“Harder,” she whispers as her hands go to the back of my head. “Fuck me harder, Faith.”

Well, damn.

“B?”

“Stop talking,” she hisses as she grabs my hair and jerks my head back a little. “Stop talking and fuck me, Faith.”

I bite my lip as I move to get a little bit more leverage before I do what she’s asking me. I look down at her as she closes her eyes and moans every time I thrust my fingers hard inside of her. I want her clothes off. I stop thinking as I stop fucking her and I place a finger over her lips, shushing her before she can utter words of protest. I pull her skirt up and yank her panties down. A few pieces of wood crash to the floor as they fall from above, but I move down her body, ignoring the destruction around us and focusing all my attention on her.

She’s shaking, but I know it’s not ‘cause she’s afraid of what’s happening or ‘cause she’s hurt. She wants me to fuck her and damn if I’m gonna say no to that. I trail my hands over her thighs, my eyes following my hands as I move them upwards slowly. She sucks in a deep breath as my fingers slip under the hem of her shirt. Her skin is warm and soft and I want to spend hours discovering every little inch of her hot little body.

My fingers are shaking as I unbutton her shirt. I’m never like this. I’m never _nervous_ when it comes to sex. This is one thing I’m damn good at. But it’s been awhile, and by awhile, I mean since before I went to prison and I can’t even remember the last time I was with a woman, but that doesn’t matter now. I have Buffy beneath me, practically begging me to fuck her and what am I doing? Thinking like some kind of fucking…virgin. Jesus, what’s wrong with me? Must’ve hit my head falling through the floor, or at some point before that with Buffy kicking my ass and all.

I lean forward as I lift up her camisole, exposing her flat stomach. I kiss her softly, as I raise her shirt up slowly, unbuttoning the last two buttons as I do. Her hands slide into my hair and she gives me a gentle tug, pulling me away from her delicious skin. She doesn’t speak as I sit back and she sits up and instead she shrugs out of her jacket and guides my hands under her shirt, giving me a little nod of encouragement before I get the hint and pull the offending clothes off of her with ease.

I’m not about to let her be the only one to strip. I pull off my jacket and my shirt and fling them back, really not giving a fuck where they landed in all the debris. I still have my bra on and Buffy grunts as she reaches around behind me and unclasps it with ease. She licks over her lips and it switches on something inside of me. I kiss her, hungry for more as we fight for the upper hand. She flips us over until she’s straddling my lap with me sitting upright.

I move my lips away from hers and over her neck as my fingers work on unzipping the small zipper on her skirt. There’s no way to get it off her with the position we’re in and somehow she gets the hint and allows me to take control again as I lay her back on the cold, hard floor. As soon as her skirt is off, all she has left are her knee high boots and fuck, just the sight of her nearly made me cum in my pants.

She grabs my hand before I can get out of my pants. I know the look she’s giving me all too well. She needs to cum. Now. I let her guide my hand to her pussy and I thrust two fingers in her with ease as she spreads her legs for me. I lean forward on one hand, my hair falling down over her face. I can feel her hot breath on my lips as I fuck her nice and deep, keeping my pace steady, but fucking her just hard enough to made her moan and shudder and cling to my back with her nails digging hard into my skin.

I close my eyes when I feel her hands move to the waist of my jeans. She tugs then down hard and manages to get them mostly off. I pull my saturated fingers out from inside of her and I quickly pull my jeans off the rest of the way, taking my boots off for good measure. She takes one look at me and my lips are on hers and my fingers buried deep inside of her once again.

Her nails are digging into my lower back as I fuck her hard. I use my thumb to circle over her clit and in seconds, I feel her tighten around my fingers. She’s so damn close. I tear my lips away from hers with much difficulty and move down to her neck. I suck on her pulse point, feeling the skin beneath my lips quiver and pulse in time to her racing heart. I bite down on her neck as her orgasm rumbles through her body. I don’t stop fucking her.

“Fuck,” she moans as she throws her head back and I lick over the skin I just bit and look at her. Her eyes are closed and she has the sexiest little half smile dancing over her lips. “Fuck,” she moans again and I stop this time, easing my fingers out of her slowly since I know she’s gotta be wicked tender right now after being fucked like that.

I lay on my side next to her, not taking my eyes off her as I bring my fingers to my lips and lick them clean. She tastes so fucking good and I want more. So much more. I’m so far from being done with her and if this is the only chance I got to have what I want with her, then I’m gonna milk it for all it’s worth before she comes back to her senses and beats the ever living shit out of me for doing this to her.

“B?” I whisper as I drop my hand away from my mouth and let it rest on her stomach.

“Hmm?”

I smirk as I lean down and kiss her lips lightly. “B?” I try again and she scrunches up her nose and I laugh a little.

“Shh,” she shushes me as she places a hand over mine that is still resting on her stomach. “I’m basking. Let me bask for a second here.”

“You’re fucking beautiful,” I murmur, unable to stop myself. “Then again, I bet you heard that your whole life.”

“But never from you,” she whispers with that half smile that makes my heart melt.

I give her another couple of seconds to bask before I move my lips to her collar bone. I kiss her lightly over her shoulders and her neck before I move my lips down across her pert breasts. I circle each hard nipple with my tongue and close my eyes when she moans her approval of what I’m doing to her. I trail my hand down her stomach as I move to straddle her right leg. I want to take it slow, but the insistent throbbing between my legs is telling me “fuck that”.

I trail my tongue down the length of her stomach, stopping to circle around her bellybutton. As soon as I do that, her hands are in my hair, gripping hard. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that she likes the attention right there. Gonna bet anything she’s gonna love where I’m going next.

“Faith,” she whispers and she sounds so sexy when she says my name like that, her voice so heavy with arousal.

The floor is rough on my knees, but I don’t let it bother me as I run my hands up her smooth legs. I lay my body on her skirt that’s lying beneath us and I breathe in deeply. I stare up at her and she’s leaning up on her elbows, staring right down at me. I smirk as I lightly trail a finger the length of her slit and watch as she trembles when I hit all the right spots.

I hear a few bricks fall upstairs as I lean in slowly. I keep my eyes locked with hers as I dip my head lower and inhale sharply. She’s so fucking wet right now and I wanna show her what it’s like to be fucked by a slayer. Not some beefstick, not some vampire, but a slayer, a woman--namely me.

I use my tongue and lick the length of her slit and I take a moment just to taste her. Now I’ve gone down on other women before, but nobody ever tasted like this. Sweet almost and so completely salivating. I grip on her hips and pull her closer to me. Her legs fall open as I wrap my lips around her clit and suck. My eyes are still locked with hers, but with another suck and a bite, she throws her head back and moans loudly. Fucking music to my ears.

I slip my tongue down to her hole and slide it inside, fucking her as deeply as I can manage at this angle. I grip her hips tighter, not holding myself back. for once I don’t need to hold back and my mind is going crazy with the things I wanna do with her right now, things that just aren’t possible with a normal human being. The faster I fuck her with my tongue, the harder I have to grip her hips to keep her still.

I pull back when my lungs feel like they’re about to burst. Buffy wastes no time in grabbing on to my arms and pulling me up on top of her. She hesitates for a split second before she kisses me with heady desire and I let her take control just for a minute. And just for that moment, I lose myself in the feel of her lips against mine, the feel of her tongue dancing with mine, her teeth biting at my lip whenever we need to take a breath.

And the moment she flips us over and she tops me, I can just tell it’s gonna be one helluva long night. She’s far from done and so am I. I don’t wanna think it, but I can already tell I’ve met my match in bed--or to be precise, on the floor of a condemned building with it still falling apart around us.

****

I groan softly as I open my eyes and see slivers of daylight making its way through the boards over the basement windows. I stretch out over the bed we somehow managed to make with our clothes and I can feel every love bite she’s left behind from last night. She’s definitely a demon in the sack, that’s for sure, and I find it pretty damn surprising too.

I look over at Buffy as she lies next to me, sleeping soundly as she lies on her stomach with her head turned away from me. After all that happened last night, I gotta wonder how the hell we got here. Sure, these kinds of things just happen with just about anyone else, but not with Buffy and me.

“Ugh,” she groans as she turns her head to look at me with heavy lidded eyes. “What time is it?”

“Dunno, but it’s early,” I reply with a small smile.

She blinks a few times before she rolls onto her back and looks down at her body. She looks over at me as I lay here naked next to her and her eyes go wide. Not with arousal, but with shock. Buffy bolts up off the ground and starts scrambling for her clothes, pulling on her skirt so quickly she nearly falls over. I just lay here on my clothes and stare at her. I can’t do anything else and I don’t know what to say. She’s freaking out over what happened between us, understandably.

“B?” I say softly as I sit up and look at her as she buttons up her shirt once she has it on. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? What’s _wrong_?!” She laughs bitterly as she grabs one of her boots and slides it on. “Everything we did last night was wrong, Faith!”

“Nah, there was a helluva lot of good thrown in there too. Besides, I didn’t hear you complaining when ya whispered all those naughty little things to me while I fucked ya good. Dozens of times.”

“Ugh,” she groans loudly as she finds her other boot and pulls it on, the sound of the zipper almost deafening. “You are just so full of yourself, aren’t you? Walking around acting like you’ve changed, when you’re still the same deep down inside.”

I shake my head as I start to get dressed and I stop her from trying to find a way out of the basement since the stairs are long gone. I spot her white lacy panties and pick them up, tucking them into my back pocket as I walk over to her.

“You’re just swimming in the river of denial right now, ain’t ya, B?”

“No.”

“You loved every last second of it,” I whisper as I grab on to her hand and step closer to her. “Kinda knew you kicking my ass was some kinky form of foreplay for ya.”

She backhands me, but I don’t let go of her hand. I tighten my grip as I pull her in to me. With my free hand, I slide it inside the slit of her skirt and move quickly to cup her pussy. She’s wet, there’s no denying that and all I can do is smirk as she moans and spreads her legs a little bit.

“Admit it, B. you enjoyed what I did to you last night. Hell, you even enjoyed what you did to me. I got the bites and bruises to prove it.”

“Go to hell.”

I don’t let go of her as I circle my fingers over her clit and lean in and capture her lips with mine in a hard, hungry kiss. She’s not fighting me; she’s kissing me back just as hard. It doesn’t last long. Not like I expect it to. She pushes me away roughly and steps back, breathing hard.

“This is _not_ going to happen again,” she says as she grabs her jacket and puts it on.

“Good thing I got these to remind me of last night,” I say with a smirk as I pull her panties outta my pocket and dangle them at her. She grunts in disgust and grabs them from me before she bolts to where the stairs once stood.

I just stand there in my jeans and bra and watch her as she hoists herself up to the first floor, the sound of her walking along what’s left of the floor echoing through the building. It takes a few minutes before everything sinks in.

And it hits me like I just ran head first into a brick wall.

I get dressed in the rest of my clothes and pull myself out of the basement. My heart is thudding against my chest, but my body feels numb. I feel used. Now I know how the people I used to use for one night and kick them to the curb felt. Definitely not the best feeling in the world, I know that, but to feel that now? With Buffy of all people? Might as well take the knife she stuck in my gut and stick it in my heart.

I light a cigarette soon as I’m outside. The morning sun is bright and I know it’s warm, just can’t feel it. I stay by the door, cowering in the shadows like I’m Spike--or another vamp that’s just come off a heavy bender or something. It takes me awhile before I can move away, step out into the sunlight and head home.

I think of Buffy’s reaction once she realized what happened last night as I walk the quiet streets of Sunnydale. It’s stupid to have thought she would be okay with what went down. With all that she’s been through, with being dead and resurrected and all, I was stupid to think that spending all night fucking me would register as okay in her head. I’m blinded by what I feel for her, that’s the problem. I should’ve stopped it before it happened, yet I didn’t ‘cause I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m not about to deny I didn’t enjoy it. Fuck, it probably was the best night of my entire existence.

Can’t say I’m not relieved that Giles is passed out on the couch when I get to the apartment. I grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and head for the bathroom, only realizing just how sore my entire body is once I shut and lock the door behind me. I turn on the water in the tub, letting the steam fill the bathroom as I strip out of my clothes. I need a hot shower, to relieve the pain and to wash away what’s left of the memories, the smells, the feel of Buffy’s hands, lips and tongue all over my body.

Nothing, not even a hot shower is gonna wipe away what happened between us. If it was anyone else other than Buffy, I wouldn’t be going through this right now. Fuck. What is with her? Why does she have this effect on me? It’s like I want to hate her, I want to push her away and say “you’re on your own, bitch” but I can’t. With Buffy, I’m in too deep. She’s a part of my soul whether she likes it or not and she’s the keeper of my heart whether she cares or not.

“So stupid,” I mutter under my breath as I step under the hot spray of the water.

“Faith, is that you?” I hear Giles call out as he knocks on the door.

“Nah, it’s the fucking Tooth Fairy, G,” I reply with a dry laugh.

“Did you just get in?”

“Five minutes ago.”

I don’t hear anything so I shrug and grab the shampoo bottle. I hear him walk away from the bathroom door as I work the shampoo into my hair. All it takes is one deep inhale to realize that all these months since I’ve been back in Sunnydale, I’ve been using the same damn shampoo Buffy always used without realizing it. I shake my head and rinse my hair quickly. What the hell is going on with me? Is this what love is? It can’t be. It can’t if it’s making me feel the way I did before shit went down and I turned against Buffy and her little Scooby gang.

I shower quickly and after I’ve dried off, I get dressed in the clothes I came home in. I find Giles sitting in his chair sipping a cup of tea when I walk out into the living room. He’s not alone either. There’s a woman sitting on the couch and from what I can tell, she’s not a friend but barely an acquaintance and she’s here on business, not pleasure. So to speak.

“Ah, Faith, please sit down,” Giles says, gesturing for me to take a seat on the couch next to this strange woman.  I don’t move from where I’m standing. “This is Selwyn, a member of the Coven out of Spain. She’s come with some information regarding the vampires you and Buffy encountered last night and she also has some other surprising information.”

“That so?” I ask as I eye the woman up and down.

She’s dressed plainly and looks about sixty years old. Her grey hair is pulled back into a messy bun and her eyes are worn, showing the tell-tale signs of knowing things no human should ever know. What, I learned a lot from Angel. Our prison visits weren’t all for shits and giggles. He told me a lot of things, taught me far more than I can ever thank him for, and one of those things is how to read people.

I don’t know if I’m in the mood for this right now, but slayer business is slayer business. Always comes at the most inconvenient times.

“You are troubled, child,” she says, her voice quiet yet hoarse. “You’ve been through far too much for someone of your age.”

“That’s life, lady. And I am not a child. Far from it.”

“Call me Sel,” she says calmly and flashes a quick, toothless smile. “Now, regarding business. The vampires you encountered outside of town, they’re working for the Immortal.”

I laugh. How original. How boring.

“You underestimate what the Immortal is,” Selwyn continues and I shrug. “He is unlike anything you’ve ever faced before. History paints him as a peaceful being, but times are changing. There is something trying to rise from beneath, become corporeal, as it was hundreds of thousands of years ago. I trust your Watcher has told you about the First Evil.”

“Dianna told me a bit, yeah. So what, this Immortal guy is working for the First?” I ask and I glance over at Giles and he looks a bit spooked. “Who is this guy and how do I kill him before he does the First’s dirty work?”

“You have no idea what is coming, child,” Selwyn says as she shakes her head sadly. “The Immortal is called just that because he cannot be killed. Not by human, not by demon, fated to live all eternity even when and if humanity fades out.”

“Don’t ya think Buffy should be here for this?” I ask Giles and he nods his head slowly. “Well?”

“The other slayer is not needed at the moment,” Selwyn says calmly. “You are far stronger and you carry the line. The other does not. She’s not near as strong as she was before and her soul is barely hanging on by a thread. Yes, we know far too much, but that’s a blessing and a curse for my kind.”

“Who is this guy?” I sigh, not feeling too good about this situation right now. “There a way to throw him outta town, bury him a hundred feet under or sink him to the bottom of the ocean or what?”

Selwyn laughs and I see Giles smile just a little. “I see why you speak highly of her, Rupert. She has a lot of fire in her soul. The Immortal is a man you’ve already met, Faith,” she says and she stares right at me with a piercing, almost cold stare. “He goes by many names, originates from my home country of Spain. The last we heard was about ten months ago he came here to Sunnydale using the name Roman Atanacio.”

Great. Knew there was something off about this guy, just didn’t think I’d find out about it like this. Especially not after the night I’ve just had.

I want to ask her about Olivia, but I know she’s just a human. A human who definitely knows what her boyfriend really is. I’m thinking it’s time I get that job at the Bronze, keep an eye on her and on Roman. If what Selwyn says is true and from what I know about the First Evil, things are definitely gonna turn to shit real fast, real bad.

Just another day in Sunnydale.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

** Chapter Fourteen **

 

Giles and the gang are all pouring through a pile of old books with Selwyn in the front of the Magic Box and I’m hanging out in the back room, beating the heavy bag and drowning out the rest of the world with Black Sabbath blaring from the radio. The only one missing is Buffy and from what Dawn was blabbering about when she showed up with Willow and Tara earlier, Buffy had a long night fighting a nest of vamps and needed to sleep it off.

That right there was my cue to escape back to the training room, treating it like my sanctuary ‘cause in a weird way, it’s what it has become to me since I’ve been here. Doubt that’ll change now that Buffy is back. It’s still my space as much as it is hers.

I stop beating the bag, the echoing sounds of my heart beating almost in time to the music is ringing in my ears. I pull off the gloves and toss them to the floor in front of the swaying bag. As soon as they hit the floor, I know I’m no longer alone back here.

“Ya gonna stick to the shadows all day there, B?” I ask before I turn around and see her standing by the back door. “What are you, a vamp now or something?”

“Very funny, Faith.”

“I’m a regular comedienne,” I smirk and I walk over to the radio and shut it off. “What’s up?”

“How come nobody told me about what’s going on?”

“You mean with the Immortal being in town with vamps working for him while he plays the part of the First Evil’s lap dog?”

“Yeah, that.”

“You ain’t the only slayer around, B.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and I mirror her, keeping my distance even though every inch of me wants to walk right up to her and smack some sense into her. I’m getting tired of her mood swings. They’re pissing me right the fuck off and after last night, I’m not about to stand down and let her talk to me like I am the second-string slayer.

Buffy eyes me up and down and she slowly licks over her bottom lip, smirking when she catches me staring at her intensely. I can’t help it. Not after last night. Not after all the naughty things she whispered in my ear and the things she did to me that still has my engine revving.

“What, B?” I ask, smirking as she drops her arms to her side. “Got something ya wanna say?”

“Did you tell anyone about last night?”

“Nah,” I reply calmly. “Why would I?”

“You’re the type to brag about your conquests.”

I bite my tongue. There’s so much I want to say to her right now, but I just can’t. I don’t wanna add any more fuel to the fire burning inside of her. Things are fucked up enough as it is.

“Don’t you _ever_ tell anyone about last night.”

“Didn’t plan to, B,” I say with a small smile. “Besides, even if I did, who the hell would believe me anyway?”

“You say one word about last night, about what we did, I will kill you.”

“It’d be worth it,” I chuckle bitterly. “It was only the best night of my life.”

So much for biting my tongue.

She backhands me hard and I stand my ground. I can see the fire in her eyes and I know she’s just itching for a fight. I stop her when she goes to send a hard punch to my face and I grab both of her hands and back her up against the wall.

“Ain’t you tired of this game we play, B? Fighting all the fucking time and over what? Some pissing contest on who is the alpha slayer?”

“Go to hell.”

“Not today, but yeah, I’m definitely going there when my time is up. But,” I say as I press my body into hers and tighten my grip on her wrists, “we’re gonna talk about this. We’re gonna settle whatever shit is between us and move on.”

“Not that easy.”

“Nothing ever is. Not with us.”

“There is no _us_ , Faith.”

“We’re slayers. We’re both on the Hellmouth, working side by side whether you like it or not. That makes an _us_ right there, don’t you think?”

She groans softly as I press my body just a little harder into hers. I can feel her all over and with our slayer connection, my entire body is buzzing and driving me a little crazy.

“Get off me,” she says under her breath, yet makes no move to push me back. It’s not like she can’t get out of the hold I have her in. She’s always been just a little bit stronger than me.

“We’re gonna talk,” I say tightly, loosening my grip on her wrists just a little. “And I wanna say one thing first. I’m fucking tired of the bullshit with you, tired of your fucking mood swings. One minute you’re all nice and shit and the next it’s like we’re right back where we were before I went to prison. And let’s just make a little note that I went to prison for _you_ ‘cause you asked me to!”

Yeah, let’s just open the Pandora’s Box and get it all outta the way. Why the hell not? No time better than right now.

“That was more than one thing,” Buffy says with a sneer. “You wanna talk? Fine, we’ll talk. Get off of me first.”

I let go of her wrists and take a step back, but I stay close enough to stop her if she decides to talk with her fists instead of her mouth. What she does next catches me off guard. She grabs me and spins me around, slamming me against the wall hard. Her mouth is on mine; kissing me so hard and deep I can feel the passion burning in her deep in my bones.

If this is her way of talking, I’ll take it over the bitchy crap that seems to spew outta her mouth when she’s in one of these moods.

I pull on her hair a little, trying to slow her down. It’s not that I don’t enjoy her possessing me this way, kissing me until it physically hurts, I just wanna slow down. She gets the hint and backs off a bit, keeping her lips against mine in a slow, gentle kiss. I feel like I’m floating on cloud nine now, feeling her body pressed so close to mine, the feel of her lips and the way her tongue keeps dancing around against mine. It almost feels like this is not new, that we’ve been doing this with each other our whole damn lives.

I move my hands from the back of her head, trailing them down her back slowly. She arches in to me and moans as I grab her ass. She moves a thigh between my legs and I pull in to me as close as I can. I feel her hands trail over my hips, up my sides and back down again. I feel her warm fingers as she slips her hands under my shirt. I pull back from her lips, gasping for air, but she doesn’t let me stray for very long. She grips at my waist, her nails digging in to my skin as her lips find their way right back to mine again.

I’m digging the whole girl-on-girl thing she’s got going on right now. Never thought she’d have it in her. And just like last night, I’m gonna go with it and enjoy it, ‘cause who the hell knows if this will happen again. With Buffy, you never do know for sure.

She bites down on my lower lip as she unbuttons my jeans, slides her hand in--no, more like shoves it inside my pants, and grabs my pussy over the thin panties I’m wearing. She growls a little as she pulls back from my lips and stares hard into my eyes.

“Not going commando today, Faith?”

The tone in her voice is teasing, yet it’s also dripping with sarcasm. I shove my hand down the front of her pants for good measure and I raise an eyebrow when I feel nothing stopping me from slipping my fingers inside her folds.

“Looks like you are,” I smirk at her. I lean in to her ear and whisper, “if I didn’t know any better, B, I’d think you wanted this to happen again.”

“Stop,” she says softly, her voice trembling as I circle my fingers over her clit.

“You don’t want me to stop.”

“Stop fucking talking,” she snaps and she moves her fingers past my panties and slams two in straight away, making me jolt a little at the sudden intrusion.

“What, you want a little repeat of last night, B? All ya had to do is ask nicely, Princess.”

I don’t wanna tell her this whole taking what she wants how she wants it thing is turning me on tremendously. I kind of get the feeling she already knows.

I tease her, still circling over her clit when I know she just wants me to fuck her nice and hard with my fingers as she’s doing to me. If I learned anything about her last night, she _loves_ to be teased until she just can’t stand it anymore and begs for me to fuck her.

But then I remember the whole gang is just outside the door. Granted, they probably can’t hear us since we’re both trying to keep quiet, but that doesn’t mean one of them won’t come back here any minute now. I stop teasing her and slide one finger deep inside of her. She stops fucking me and sighs contently. I use my free hand to roam over Buffy’s small pert ass. I’d do just about anything to get us both naked and writhing on the floor right now.

Last night and today is gonna forever be burned into my memory. Every nasty, naughty thing we did to each other is gonna fuel the imagination on those lonely nights in the future when it’s just me and my five-fingered friend looking for release after a good slay.

I hear footsteps just outside the door and I pull away from her as quickly as I can. If we’re caught, she’ll probably kill me--or the more likely will happen and she’ll tell whoever walks in on us that I attacked her. See, I know how Buffy works and even though she was the one to initiate this whole thing, she’ll be the last one in the world to admit that she wanted this as much as I do.

“I meant what I said before,” she says under her breath as she straightens her clothes. “Don’t you dare tell a single soul about this, Faith.”

“Lips are sealed,” I reply as I zip up my pants. “You want another go, you know where to find me,” I say with a wink just as the door opens and Willow walks into the training room with a box of pizza.

“Hey,” she says smiling as she walks over to the table sitting next to the couch and puts the pizza down. “Everything okay back here?”

“We were just--”

“Sparring. Barely got started,” I finish quickly for Buffy. Her face is flushed and I know mine is too and I know Willow is staring at both of us wondering what the hell we were doing before she walked in. “Thanks for the grub, Red. Who bought this time?”

“Giles. We’re having a little break.”

“Have you found anything?” I ask her as I take a seat on the couch and grab a slice of pizza. Buffy hasn’t moved from where she’s standing since Willow came into the room. She looks rather pissed off. Don’t blame her. I’m feeling a little pissed we were interrupted too.

“Not much more than what Selwyn already told us about him,” she replies with a frown. “Are you two going on patrol tonight?”

“No,” I reply quickly as Buffy says yes. “I gotta head down to the Bronze soon and see if Olivia can hook me up with that job.”

“Right, the bartending job. Ooh, if you work the same shift as her, you can keep an eye on Roman when and if he comes around.”

“Duh, Red, that’s the plan. Besides, I _do_ need a job and this works out perfectly, you know?”

Willow smiles at me and heads for the door. “Let me know how it turns out?” She asks and I nod, smiling right back at her. “Buffy, are you okay?”

“Just tired, Will. Hell of a fight with that nest of demons last night.”

“I thought it was a nest of vamps?”

Buffy frowns. “Sorry, yeah, vamps. But honestly, what difference does it make? All in all, a nest is gone. I’d consider that a job well done.”

Willow nods and leaves us alone. I shake my head in disbelief as Buffy joins me on the couch. She’s lying to her friends and yeah, I get why, but I don’t get how easily she can just lie to them. The Buffy I used to know never lied to her friends--okay, so she lied to them about Angel when he came back from hell, but that’s the only time I know about.

“So, you’re going to take a job bartending at the Bronze?” Buffy asks and I nod my head and take another bite of my pizza. “Oh. So, what happens with patrol?”

“Looks like you get to be the number one slayer on that front, B. Just like you wanted it to be.”

“I didn’t want it to be like that. I thought we could patrol together some nights.”

“Why?”

She sighs heavily. “I just thought it’d be good if we patrolled together, especially now that the Immortal is here and a bunch of vamps are doing his dirty work for him.”

There are a million different things I want to say to her right now, but instead of adding even more fuel to the file, I decide not to say anything. If Buffy wants to act all fucking bipolar, then that’s just fine by me, I just don’t wanna get dragged into any more of her messes she’s creating for herself.

I hate to admit it, but I’m kinda glad Willow popped in when she did. I got one voice in my head screaming at me to stop whatever is happening with Buffy and me--it’s not healthy for either of us since its being done for all the wrong reasons. The other voice is telling me to pick right back up where we left off, get the job done and call it a day.

“We’ll figure something out, B, but right now, I gotta go,” I say as I get up from the couch. “I’ll come around and find you later on patrol, depends on what happens between now and then with this whole job thing.”

“Fine,” Buffy sighs and she crosses her arms over her chest and pouts. I can’t help but smirk and I lean down until my face is just mere inches away from hers. “Faith--”

I give her the sweetest, softest kiss I can manage and it surprises me almost as much as it surprises her. I don’t let it go any further and it feels almost impossible to pull away from her lips, but I do and I smile down at her before I turn around and head for the back door. I don’t know why I kissed her like that, but something about it felt right. In some weird way, I want to show her that I care about her, that I won’t just use her for a good roll in the sack when the urge pops up. I don’t know really. My head is spinning, for good reason and bad right now, so much that I can’t make sense of most of the thoughts swimming through my mind.

I head down to the Bronze quickly and when I get there, there’s a lineup to get in. I smooth down my shirt, straighten out my jacket, and run my fingers thought my hair. I walk right up to the bouncer out front, flash him one helluva smile and he lets me in without a word. I look back at the crowd protesting how I didn’t have to pay the cover to get in, and I blow a few of them a kiss before I head inside.

The Bronze is packed. I make my way through the crowd towards the bar and I spot Olivia trying to juggle a bunch of meatheads yelling at her. I push them away from the bar and take a seat on the stool and I smile sweetly at Olivia. One of the meatheads comes for me and I spin around and grab him by the front of his preppy white polo shirt.

“Ease off, buddy,” I say threateningly. “Let the woman do her job and stop acting like a fucking tool and wait like the rest of us, yeah?”

“Fuck you, bitch.”

I clock him, not hard, but enough it makes him stumble back, both hands holding his now bleeding nose.

“I’ll kill you!” He screams at me as his meathead friends try to pull him away. “I’ll fucking kill you, bitch!”

“Love to see you try, honey,” I laugh and I turn around to look over at Olivia. “Hey,” I say and she looks relieved.

“Thanks, Faith. They wouldn’t stop. Came in here drunk an hour ago and I had to cut them off. They weren’t too happy about it.”

“No problem, Liv. So,” I say as I lean forward a little, “I was wondering if you could still get me a job here?”

“How about a beer first?” Olivia says as she grabs a bottle of a local brew I’d never had before and places it in front of me. “I really need a break right now. Join me?”

“How about you find out about that job you were offering me the other day first?”

I know I sound a little desperate about it, but hey, with this, I can get two birds with one stone so to speak. Olivia laughs and motions to a man at the other end of the bar. He walks over, sweating bullets and looks completely exhausted.

“You still hiring another bartender, Gary?”

“When aren’t we?” Gary replies breathlessly. “You twenty-one yet?”

“Almost.”

“Good enough,” he says and looks over at Olivia. “Take her into the office and get her file set up. You know the drill. After that, start training her tonight.”

“Tonight?” Olivia asks. “I’m not working late tonight.”

“You are now,” Gary says before he walks away to tend to the impatient customers at the other end of the bar.

“Almost seemed too easy,” I say to Olivia as I take my beer with me and follow her back to the office. It’s quieter back here and she shrugs as she pulls out a form and places it on the desk. “No interview, no nothing,” I say under my breath and Olivia laughs as she hands me a pen.

“We go through people quick here. Only the strong survive, if you know what I mean. Gary has been left in charge and he isn’t too picky on who is hired, just as long as the two of us don’t get saddled with all the work like we normally do.”

“Didn’t even get a chance to ask what the pay is like. Damn,” I say with a laugh and Olivia shakes her head and laughs right along with me.

“The pay is all right. The tips suck some nights, but on nights like tonight, you can go home with a couple hundred in your pocket if you pull an eight hour shift.”

“Not too bad,” I shrug and I set my beer down and quickly fill out the form.

“Just a tip, Faith?” Olivia says and I can feel her breath on the back of my neck and she stands behind me. “As tempting as it is to keep a clear head, sometimes you do need a few drinks to get you through the night. Just don’t let Gary or the others catch you. We’re kind of on a no drinking policy here except when off-duty or on break.”

I nod and finish filling out the form. Soon as I’m done, she places it in a shabby green filing cabinet and I follow her out of the office. She grabs two beers from behind the bar and motions for me to follow her. We head out back and she props the door open with an old cinderblock. I can hear the music from the band playing out here and the sounds of the people enjoying themselves inside.

Olivia is staring at me intensely as I light a cigarette. I offer her one and she takes it, her eyes never leaving mine as I hold out my lighter to her. I’m trying to figure her out, but I’m drawn in to the intensity of the look in her eyes. I gotta remember I’m here for two things, to make money and to keep an eye on her and Roman, see what I can sniff out. She seems innocent enough, but I learned that those who appear sweet and innocent never are.

She’s gotta know what Roman is. She said they’d been there since just before last Christmas. Who knows how long she’d been with him before that. Then it hits me. Last Christmas Angel had an encounter with the First, which ended up with Buffy running to him instead of spending Christmas with her mom and me. How did I not remember that until now? It all makes sense now, especially since we know that Roman is working for the First. Their arrival in Sunnydale and the First taking advantage of Angel, trying to get him to kill himself that Christmas makes complete sense.

My first instinct is to head back to the Magic Box to tell the others that, but I can’t just go off running now. I got a job to do here and if I start running now, gonna bet anything it’s gonna make a bunch of red flags go off for Olivia. The last thing any of us need is for her and Roman to figure out that we’re on to them before we can know more about just what he’s doing, what he plans to do, and what kind of a hold the First has over him.

“Ya got a phone I can use?” I ask her and she nods as she pulls out her cellphone from the back pocket of her skinny, tight jeans. “Just gotta make a quick call.”

“Sure.”

“There’s someone I know that would love to know I landed the job,” I say with a smile. She nods and leans against the wall. I need a bit of privacy for this phone call, but I doubt she’s gonna let me have it.

I dial the number to the Magic Box and wait for it to ring. By the fourth ring, I’m pacing and Olivia is just standing there watching every move I make.

 _“Magic Box, we’re closed, but how can I help you?”_ Anya asks as soon as the phone is picked up.

“Ahn, it’s me. Put Giles on the phone.”

_“Faith?”_

“Anya,” I say and roll my eyes. “Just put him on the phone.”

 _“Faith, is everything all right?”_ Giles asks a few seconds later. _“Are you hurt?”_

“I’m cool, G. Just wanted to let you know I got the job,” I say cheerfully, more for Olivia than anything else. “They got me starting tonight. Ain’t that something else?”

_“Ah, that is wonderful. And is the Immortal’s girlfriend there tonight?”_

“Can’t talk long, G. Gotta get inside and start my training. You know how it is with a new job.”

_“You are not alone, are you? Just remember one thing, Faith. Don’t let her or the Immortal figure out that we know what they’re up to until we know more. Do be careful.”_

“I’ll see ya later,” I say quickly and he mutters a quick goodbye before I end the call. “Thanks.”

“Who was that?”

“G? Uh, my uncle. He’s crashing at mine while he’s in town visiting from England,” I reply. An easy lie. “Bet he’s thrilled I ain’t gonna be mooching off him anymore.”

Olivia laughs and takes the phone back from me. I spot a few vamps just down the alley, watching us. The slayer in me wants to go after them, but I can’t give myself away. Going incognito is gonna be a job within itself, but I gotta stick to the plan even if we don’t actually have a plan yet.

In some ways, I feel like I still gotta prove myself, not just to the Scoobs, but to Buffy now too. A part of me wishes I could go back a few weeks ago when everything was that much easier. I know better though. Wishing gets you nowhere and on the Hellmouth, you _really_ gotta be careful what you wish for.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

** Chapter Fifteen **

 

Tonight was a bust. After a few hours of Olivia training me and showing me the ropes, a fight broke out on the dance floor and the Bronze was shut down for the night. I lost sight of Olivia in the chaos of angry people leaving and couldn’t track her down after either. At that point it was just after midnight and I didn’t wanna head back to the apartment just yet. Seeing those vamps watching us out in the alley earlier had bugged me all night. Following their trail would be impossible, but in Sunnydale, you turn a corner after midnight and you’ll run into a vamp. Or five.

Or in my case, Buffy fighting half a dozen vamps just around the corner from the Magic Box.

I pull out my stake from my jacket pocket and jump right in, surprising the vamps that didn’t see me coming and pissing off the rest. Buffy doesn’t even acknowledge me as I pull two vamps off of her. I throw them towards the others hurling towards us to buy a few seconds. Half a dozen vamps aren’t an easy fight, but it could be worse. With Buffy fighting with me, these dead things don’t stand a chance.

I manage to catch one off-guard and dust him before he can make a move on me. I spin around and face the others. They’re trying to crowd Buffy and me, probably thinking they have the upper hand in this sitch. None of them seemed fazed that I just dusted one of their buddies either. They barely even flinched. In my book that means one thing, they’re henchmen and whoever they’re with don’t mean a damn thing to them other than adding numbers to their little group.

This is the kind of thinking that was drilled in my head over the last couple of months all thanks to Giles. Taught me how to think and fight, instead of fight and think later. Definitely has come in handy, that’s for sure, and it’s a far cry from the slayer I used to be too.

But Buffy is being reckless. I see it in the way she’s defending herself as the remaining five vamps close in on her, completely ignoring me. I move in close to her and ignore the annoyed look she shoots my way. I’ll deal with her attitude once these vamps are dust.

“B, what the hell?” I gasp as I grab her by the arm. “Fuckin’ help me stake them already!”

“What do you think I’ve been _trying_ to do, Faith?”

Can’t shake the feeling we’ve done that role reversal thing since she’s been back. It’s kinda scary seeing her being the way she is. This ain’t the Buffy I used to know. She never used to be so damn reckless and not giving a shit about what’s going on around her.

I can’t think of that. Can’t focus on her. We have five vamps after us, wanting us dead, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let that happen tonight like this. I ain’t going six feet under ‘cause Buffy doesn’t give a flying fuck whether she lives or dies.

I roundhouse kick the vamp closest to me and grab the other when I spin around. I don’t waste any time. I plunge the stake into his chest and move on to the next one. We’re down to four, but something tells me these guys aren’t gonna go easily. I hear laughter and look in the direction it came from. Great. Just what I needed tonight.

Spike jumps right into the fight, flashing me a smile before he tries to lure two vamps away from Buffy and me. He’s made the fight a fair fight now. Two on two. I don’t move quickly enough and get clocked in the shoulder by the vamp to my left. The pain is intense and the fucker dislocated my shoulder with one little punch. Something tells me these vamps are like the one we ran into at the gas station the other night.

I hear Spike screaming in pain as he slumps to the ground, the two vamps he lured kicking him while he’s down. It might be Spike and all, but if he’s gonna be dust, I’m gonna be the one to do it, not a pair of henchmen vamps who already got a huge advantage over all of us. I duck and roll out of the fray and pull Spike to his feet. He can barely stand on his own two feet, but I don’t care. I let him fend for himself as I try to stake the two vamps.

They aren’t making it easy. They’re too quick and honestly, I’m afraid to get a few punches in. don’t need another broken hand even if I heal a helluva lot faster than normal people.

Out of nowhere I hear the sound of arrows flying through the air. I don’t see them until they’re lodged into each of the vamps chests. They look just as surprised as I do just before they turn to dust. I grin as I turn to look at Buffy, but she’s not paying any attention to me. She’s kneeling on the ground next to Spike. He’s coughing up blood, his face is a battered mess and I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess he has more than a dozen broken bones.

“Where’d those arrows come from?” I ask, mostly myself since Buffy is trying to get Spike to sit up instead of lying curled up in a ball. “B, did you see where they came from?”

“That way,” she says as she points behind me. “I didn’t see who it was either.”

“Come on,” I urge as I head in the direction she pointed out. “B, just leave him.”

“I can’t just leave him, Faith!”

“Why the hell not?”

Buffy thinks about that for a moment before shaking her head and moving away from Spike. I’m thinking she probably realized just who she was trying to help and finally came to her senses. Spike groans out in pain as he curls up on the ground. I look over at Buffy and she walks over to me.

“I know you want me dead, Faith,” Spike coughs out and I look down at him. “But ain’t this a rather pathetic way to have me done for? Why not just save the trouble and stake me yourself?”

“If I’m gonna stake you, Spike, it’s gonna be on my own terms. Tonight? Not gonna happen. I ain’t gonna hit a bad dog while he’s down.”

Spike laughs bitterly as Buffy and I head down the alley away from him. Buffy sighs heavily as she checks over the deep wound on her right shoulder. My left shoulder is killing me and I gotta get it popped back into place. I stop Buffy as we reach the back door of the Magic Box.

“You all right?” Buffy asks and I shake my head yes and then no. “Your shoulder dislocated, didn’t it?”

“Yeah. A little help?” I ask and she nods. She grabs my arm and helps me pop it back into place. I have to bit my lip to stop myself from nearly screaming out.

“Better?”

I nod and reach out for the doorknob. She stops me and slowly runs her hand down the length of my right arm. I can feel the goosebumps rise under her fingertips. She gives me a look that makes every inch of me excited as hell. This woman has a power over me that no one else has ever had and it’s scary as hell. I want to kiss her just ‘cause of the way her lips are pouted slightly and ‘cause of the way she keeps looking at me. I breathe in deeply, reach up, and gently cup her face in my hands. I lean in and give her the softest, sweetest kiss, much like the one I’d given her earlier before I left the Magic Box.

I get the feeling when things started up between us last night, she was expecting me to be the old Faith she thinks she knew. Wild, unrestricted, and a demon in the sack. I can still be all those things, I was last night for sure, but that’s not all I am, not all I can be.

“We can’t be doing this,” I whisper and she pulls away from me, confused. “I can’t be whatever it is I’ve suddenly become to you.”

“What?”

“Buffy, last night was fucking great. Ain’t gonna deny that for a second. But,” I sigh and shake my head slowly, “but I can’t be some kind of release for you, someone you can fuck and run away from after and pretend it never happened.”

“You’re joking right?” Buffy laughs as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Do you honestly believe we could have something more than what this is?”

“Why you gotta be such a fucking bitch?”

“I am what I am and you are what you are. Stop hiding from yourself, Faith.”

“I ain’t fucking hiding,” I snap and I back her up against the door. “You really have no idea how I feel about you, do you?”

Did I just say that? Crap.

“And just how do you feel about me, Faith?” Buffy asks, her voice just dripping with sarcasm. “You think I don’t know? Especially after last night? Faith, you told me you loved me somewhere between the third and fourth time.”

Fuck.

“And I’m feeling something too,” she whispers after a moment. “I can’t even explain it. All I know is I don’t feel numb when I’m around you. I hate feeling so numb and angry all the damn time.”

“You’re still a cold bitch around me, B, whether we’re just standing here or fucking each other till it hurts to walk afterwards.”

Buffy shrugs it off and licks over her lips slowly, as if she’s inviting me in for another kiss. “Sometimes,” she whispers as she reaches towards me and places her hands on my shoulders, “I think I don’t know how to be anything else around you. I bet you thought it’d be different, didn’t you?”

“Did at first. Fooled myself into thinking you’d come back different.”

“I _have_ come back different, Faith, but different doesn’t always mean good.”

“No shit,” I mutter under my breath, ignoring the feel of her hands gently rubbing over my shoulders. “I don’t get you, B.”

“Don’t expect you to.”

“No,” I sigh and shake my head. “One minute you’re sugary sweet and the next--”

“Are we really going to go through this again?” Buffy cuts me off and I sigh again. “I am just the way I am, Faith. How many times do I have to tell you I’m sorry for being the way I am?”

“You wouldn’t have to if you stopped being a damn cold bitch.”

Buffy laughs and moves closer to me, her lips just a breath away from mine. “But you like it, even when I am like that,” she purrs. “It turns you on, doesn’t it?”

I shake my head no even though it’s a lie and she knows it too. This woman has a power over me I just can’t explain or figure out. I just want to give in to her little game and play it for as long as I can before she truly comes to her senses and realizes what the hell she’s doing with me. But I’m fighting a losing battle within myself.

Just as I’m about to kiss her, I hear footsteps just around the corner in the back alley. She pushes me away and heads in the opposite direction the footsteps are coming from. Typical. I find the key to the back door and unlock it as the footsteps get closer. I spin around to see who it is and it’s Dawn.

“Dawn? What are you doing here?”

“Looking for Buffy. We all are. What are you doing here? I thought Giles said you got a job at the Bronze?”

“Did, but a wicked nasty fight broke out and it was shut down for the night. Ran into Buffy and some vamps on the way home and gave her a hand in dusting ‘em. Bit late for you to be out, isn’t it?”

“Did you see where Buffy went?” Dawn asks, completely ignoring everything I just said.

“Dawn,” I say firmly and she rolls her eyes at me. “What’s going on?”

“Spike came to the house about an hour ago and told us something about Buffy.”

“Told you what?”

She sighs and shakes her head as she looks up and down the alley. “He said she came back wrong, Faith. That she’s not entirely herself and he can prove it.”

“Since when do you guys believe a word Spike says?”

Dawn shrugs. “I don’t know, but he’s been around helping us out just like you have. The only difference is that he’s been helping us out a bit longer than you. We _trust_ him, Faith, just like we trust you.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Which way did she go, Faith?” Dawn asks, clearly annoyed now.

I point in the direction Buffy took off in and Dawn leaves without saying another word. I shake my head and go inside the back door to the Magic Box. I close it behind me and lock it, hoping for a few hours of peace and quiet here alone. I could go back to the apartment, but with Giles there, I wouldn’t be alone and I don’t want to deal with him and his hundred million questions he’ll likely drop on me when it comes to Buffy.

I flip on the lights and jump a little when I see Buffy standing by the door that leads to the front of the shop. I shake my head, walk over to the couch, and sit down. I’m tired--no, beyond tired. Exhausted.

“How’d you get in?” I ask her and she just sits down next to me on the couch.

“Sewer entrance in the basement.”

“Why?”

“To avoid Dawn and the others,” she replies softly. “And I wasn’t done talking to you either, Faith.”

“Felt done to me.”

Buffy turns sideways on the couch to face me and I just lean back and close my eyes. “Despite what you think you know about me, Faith, we’re not all that different. We’re both battling demons inside of us, dealing with it in different ways. Alike but not.”

“Dealt with my demons, B,” I say as I look over at her. “Spent a year in prison doing just that.”

“Have you?”

I nod and offer her a small smile. “I did. Sometimes I think they’re still there, but I get over it. Whatever you’re dealing with right now, it’ll pass, B. Just give it time and stop making all the wrong choices and you’ll be fine.”

“You know what I’m dealing with.”

“I know, but it can’t be all that bad, can it?”

“You have no idea what it feels like,” she snaps. “You have no idea what it feels like being back here after what I felt when I was in--when I was wherever I was.”

“You gonna tell them?” I ask and she shakes her head no. “Why? Don’t you think they oughta know something like that, B?”

“No.”

I reach out for her hand, expecting her to pull away, but she lets me take it and I intertwine my fingers with hers. “B,” I whisper and she looks down at our joined hands. “I want to be here for you in any way that you need me, but I don’t want to feel like you’re just using me.”

“I’m not using you.”

I raise an eyebrow at her and give her hand a gentle squeeze. “You sure about that?”

“No.”

I laugh and let go of her hand. “You’re confused, aren’t you?”

“Aren’t you?”

“Definitely, but at least I ain’t denying it to myself. Trust me, B, it feels so much better when you can be honest with yourself.”

“It’s hard.”

“Sure.”

“Faith, never once in my life had I ever had these kind of thoughts towards other women. Not _once_. Then last night, I don’t know what came over me, but I knew I wanted it. I wanted you.”

“Wanted?”

“Want. I want you,” she whispers and I shake my head. I can’t deal with anymore of this tonight. I just need a damn break before my emotions get to the better of me and turn me into a complete mess. “Faith? Did you hear what I just said?”

I nod my head slowly, wondering where she’s going with this. “And why do you want me, B? Have you figured that out yet?”

“I--I don’t know _why_ , I just know I feel something between us. You feel it too,” she says as she reaches for my hand, but I pull away from her. I don’t want her to touch me right now. Not when the room is starting to spin around me. “I know I’ve been such a bitch to you when you don’t deserve it and I’m sorry for that, Faith.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to say the wrong thing to her right now. I get that she’s trying to talk to me, trying to say whatever it is she’s feeling and thinking. It’s new, sure, but it doesn’t make up for the fact she’s still acting fucking bipolar around me.

I look over at her and see the cut on her arm is still bleeding. Slowly and carefully, I pull the ripped fabric away from the wound. She winces a little and I get up and grab the first aid kit. She doesn’t say a word as I rip away her shirt and start cleaning the wound. It’s deep, almost deep enough to need stitches, but I know from experience that she’ll heal fast overnight and in the morning it’ll look like a scratch. I bandage her up and go to the sink to wash my hands free of her blood.

“Um, thanks,” she whispers as she walks up behind me. “It means a lot that you care about me, Faith.”

I shrug it off. It’s not a big deal. I’ve patched up the Scoobs a few times after a rough night out on patrol. I hold my breath when I feel her hands on my shoulders. I’m starting to wonder if she knows what kind of power she has over me.

“Do you think we’ll be alone here?” Buffy whispers into my ear and I can’t help but shudder.

“Know of someplace better,” I reply as I slowly turn around to face her. “Someplace nobody will think to look for either of us if that’s what you want?”

What is wrong with me? One minute I don’t want to do this with her, the next it’s all I can think about.

“Where?”

I just smile as I take her hand and lead her to the back door, making sure I flip the lights off behind me. I’ve got a few places in mind, one being the old motel I swore up and down I’d never go back to. But, if it meant having another night with Buffy, alone, then that’s how it’ll be.

****

Buffy has me backed up against the ratty old dresser, her hands roaming over my body, insistent and needy. I tug at her shirt and she pulls away from my lips, leaving us both breathless as I pull her shirt off her body. I want nothing more than to rip her clothes from her body, literally, but I’m pacing myself as best as I can, letting Buffy lead the way. For now.

She has me so damn turned on I can’t think straight.

Piece by piece our clothes come off. I try to lead the way over to the bed, but she doesn’t let me move from where she still has me pinned to the dresser. She nips at my lower lip, gripping my wrists with both hands and she ever so slowly begins to kiss down my neck. My whole body is buzzing and I’m gasping for breath. Her mouth is hot on my skin and I want to touch her, but she tightens her grip on my wrists as her tongue circles over one nipple before moving to the other.

She continues her descent and I lean back as her tongue dips inside my bellybutton. I’ve never been so sensitive with other people when it comes to foreplay, but with Buffy, damn, everything she does to me is making me wet.

“Up,” she whispers as she gets on her knees. I blink and it takes me a few seconds before I realize what she’s asking me.

I lift myself up onto the dresser as best as I can without use of my hands. she nips at my inner thighs, a teasing smile dancing over her lips as she peers up at me. she lets go of my wrists and uses her hands to spread my legs. I grip the edge of the dresser and watch as she licks the length of my pussy just once before pulling back and sighing contently.

I let out a soft moan and shift on the dresser. It’s uncomfortable, but damn, having Buffy on her knees in front of me is one helluva hot image.

“Do you always taste so good?”

I don’t say a word and I don’t need to. Buffy’s mouth is back on me and she has my clit between her lips. She sucks hard before swirling her tongue around the sensitive bundle of nerves. I’d cum like a rocket right now if I wasn’t trying to hold myself back.

I move a hand to the back of her head to keep her right where she is and to encourage her to keep doing what she’s doing. She’s teasing me, that’s for sure, but it feels so damn good and I don’t want her to stop. A few more swirls of her tongue and I can feel my body responding. The orgasm is building deep inside of me quickly and I can’t hold it back.

“Fuck,” I cry out as I cum and Buffy looks up at me, slowly licking around my hole with a slight smirk forming over her lips. “Damn, B.”

“Do you always come this quickly?” She asks as she moves away from me.

“Only with you,” I whisper breathlessly.

Tonight feels different. It _is_ different. Buffy stands up and runs her hands up the length of my body as I wrap my legs around her hips. She doesn’t move. She only stares at me with such intensity that I can feel my whole body heating up again.

I slide off the dresser and wrap my arms around her. she squeals a little as I pick her up and walk over to the double bed. My lips are on hers, kissing her deeply as I lay her down, laying my body over hers. We’re kissing slowly now and I can feel her heart racing against mine. She slips a leg between my thighs and I grind down, already feeling the need for release again so soon. I love the way her body feels under mine, I love how she moves with me, the way she breathes when our lips part, and the way her hands grip at my hips, forcing me to grind down against her thigh harder.

I pull back from her lips and stare down into her eyes. I want this to be so much more than it is. I want to be able to tell her how I feel about her without feeling like a complete fool. I want to stop thinking that this is so much more than what it is. But I can’t shut off my thoughts and feelings. I can’t stop myself from falling deeper and deeper in love with her.

Things would be so much easier if this wasn’t happening between us. Don’t get me wrong, I love and hate it at the same time, but with everything else going on around Sunnydale, the last thing I need is to be falling in love with Buffy.

More so than I already am.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

** Chapter Sixteen **

 

When I wake up, it’s late in the morning and I’m a bit surprised Buffy is still lying next to me. I half expected her to sneak off once we’d passed out sometime just after sunrise. I lie on my side and just stare at her. She’s sleeping on her stomach, her bare back exposed and the rough motel sheets covering her lower half.

After last night, I got a whole mess of things to think about now. I gotta find out where I truly stand with Buffy before I let this happen again. I gotta stop listening to what my body wants and listen to what my heart needs. If there’s anything I’ve learned about myself in the last year and a bit, it’s to listen to my heart over anything else. Yet, it’s hard to listen to my heart when my heart wants to love Buffy with all that I have and more. My heart wants to know what it’s like to be loved, not just to love.

Whatever I am to Buffy, which I know right now is just a good roll in the sack when the mood strikes, I don’t want to be kept in the dark as a dirty little secret. Those kinds of things tend to burn hard, fast and blow up in the end.

I trail my fingers down her back slowly and she stirs, but doesn’t wake up. I lean over and press a soft kiss to her shoulder and I hear her moan quietly. Everything I did last night, I tried to show her that this means so much more to me than what it means to her. I tried to convey all my feelings in every touch and every kiss. There were times I thought she got what I was trying to say without using any words, but then again with Buffy, you never quite know what’s going through that head of hers.

“Hey,” I whisper as she turns her head and opens her eyes.

“Hey,” she whispers back. “What time is it?”

I glance at the clock behind me quickly. “Almost noon.”

“God, it still feels so early.”

I smirk and she reaches for the sheet covering her lower half and pulls it up over her head. I hear her groan and I crawl under the sheet with her. Morning breath be damned. I lean in and kiss her as I wrap my arms around her and pull her on top of me. it takes her a moment or two to really wake up and once she does, she’s kissing me deeply with her hands in my hair and her hips thrusting down into mine. I could get used to this, morning kisses and more after a long night of hot, sweaty sex with the woman of my dreams.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers as she ends our kiss.

“For what?” I ask her as I gently rub her back. she just frowns and lays her head down on my chest. “B, are you still apologizing for being such a bitch to me?”

I feel her nod, but she doesn’t say anything. I continue to run her back gently and I can feel her relax completely against me. I plant a kiss on the top of her head and it causes her to look up at me. she’s got a smile curling over her lips. It’s not one of her sexy little smiles that tells me she wants another go. It’s a sweet smile, one I don’t think I’ve ever seen from her.

“I should probably go,” she says, the smile quickly disappearing from her face. “I haven’t been home for two nights now and the last thing I need to deal with is to be chewed out by my little sister.”

“Dawn can be pretty fucking scary,” I laugh and I let her get off of me. she gets up from the bed and starts picking up her clothes from the floor. “B, whatever this is, I don’t expect you to tell the others what’s going on between us. Just wanted you to know that. But--”

“I knew there was a “but” coming,” she sighs as she pulls on her bra and snaps the clasp shut.

“I don’t want to feel like you’re using me.”

“I’m not using you,” she says sincerely, at least it sounds like she’s being sincere. “Not anymore.”

“You sure about that?”

Buffy nods as she leans down and plants the sweetest kiss on my lips. I feel like we need to talk about this, but talking with Buffy always leads us around in circles and my head is already spinning enough as it is. I watch her as she gets dressed and when she disappears into the bathroom, I get out of bed and gather up my clothes, following suit in getting dressed. There’s no way I’m gonna stay in this room any longer without her here with me.

I grab her once she walks out of the bathroom and I wrap my arms tightly around her. She doesn’t fight to get away from me, which I honestly expected her to especially after the other morning and the way she completely freaked out once she realized what we’d done.

Maybe she really was being sincere when she said she isn’t using me. I’m not a fool to think that one night is gonna change everything between us and put us on the fast track to relationship territory.

I might be a fool in love, but I’m not stupid.

“Gotta say, this is much better than yesterday morning,” I say and she chuckles softly.

“I was allowed to freak out yesterday morning, Faith.”

“I know. You think I wasn’t?”

“I--it didn’t look like you were.”

“I was.”

“Oh.”

Buffy tries to pull away from me, but I don’t let her and instead I pull her down with me as I sit on the unmade bed and I kiss her. She gives in after a few short seconds and before I know it, we’re kissing deeply and our hands are roaming over clothes and under. I’m suddenly wishing neither of us had bothered getting dressed at this point.

“Faith,” she whines a little as she pushes me back. “I really have to go home now.”

“Just stay for five more minutes,” I whisper, hoping I don’t sound like I’m begging her or anything.  Really, I’m just not ready to let her go, not after last night and especially since she’s not freaking out this morning like she was yesterday after the fact. “Five minutes is all I’m asking, B.”

“I--I can’t. I have to go.”

“Can’t we at least talk about this?” I ask her. When the hell did I become such a girl? God.

“We’re just having sex,” she says as she gets up from my lap. “Aren’t we?”

“Sure,” I shrug and try to act like it’s no big deal. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth and asked her if we could talk about this. She’s definitely not telling me the things my heart yearns to hear.

“Let’s not make it into anything more than what it is, Faith.”

“Not trying to, just trying to make some sense of it, that’s all.”

“Can we talk later? Like after I’ve had a couple hours of sleep and deal with Dawn first?”

“Don’t know if I can swing that,” I say as I get up from the bed and head for the door. “I got a job now and I gotta be there tonight before happy hour starts.”

“Right. We’ll just talk later, whenever later comes,” Buffy replies and I open the door for her. She hesitates for a second before she walks out into the midday sun. “Bye, Faith.”

“See ya, B.”

I wait until she’s down to the street before I close the motel room door behind me and head off in the opposite direction. I head straight to the apartment, my stomach protesting every twenty steps, reminding me just how damn hungry I am.

I’m trying not to think of last night or this morning, but it’s hard not to. I can still smell Buffy all over me and still taste her on my lips. I can still feel the way her body felt against mine, the way she’d grab at my back or my arms as she came hard. The stamina that woman has matches my own and it drives me wild and insane with lust and want. If she didn’t insist on going home and if it were up to me, we’d be going at it again and again until we completely wore ourselves out.

I let myself into the apartment and find Giles sitting at the desk with a cup of tea in his hand and a dozen books open in front of him. He barely looks up as I shut the door behind me and head straight for the kitchen. I grab a beer out of the fridge and crack it open, downing half of it as I walk into the living room and sit down on the couch.

“Bit early to be drinking,” Giles says with that disapproving tone in his voice. “How was the first night on the job, Faith?” He asks when I don’t bother answering him. “Did Roman make an appearance?”

“Place closed down early when a big fight broke out between a couple of frat boys and no, Roman never showed. If he did, you’d be the first to know about it after I tried kicking his ass to hell and back.”

He peers over his glasses at me as I finish off my beer and let out a loud burp. “We’ve discussed this already, Faith. Neither you or Buffy are to make a move on the Immortal until we have a plan to eliminate him.”

“I know. Figure of speech and all that. I’m not that stupid, G.”

“I was not implying that you are,” he responds with a shake of his head.

“Did you and Sel find out anything more about how we can hurt the Immortal?” I ask him, trying to stick to slayer business even though I know he’s just dying to ask me where I’ve been the last two nights.

“We haven’t been able to find much of anything. She’s been in contact with several covens around the world. They are all trying to help us figure out not just how to eliminate the Immortal, but why he’s willingly working for the First. It will take some time, a little patience and keeping you and Buffy off his radar for a while before we can figure it out.”

“Ain’t sure how long we’ll be able to pull that off,” I mutter under my breath. “Ran into Buffy and six vamps last night.”

“Is everything all right?”

“Peachy, G,” I say with a forced smile. “We dusted them. They put up a bit of a fight, but nothing we couldn’t handle.”

I know I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the fact I ran into Buffy last night, especially not when I know the others were out looking for her. Too late to take it back now. I sigh as Giles joins me in the living room, concern written all over his face.

“You ran into Buffy last night? You are aware we were looking for her, were you not?”

“Uh, guess she didn’t want to be found,” I stammer slightly. “Whatever, G. I saw Dawn last night and she told me some crap that Spike had told you guys about Buffy coming back wrong. He’s wrong about that, you know. Buffy is fine. Just dealing, I guess.”

“And you’re certain she is fine?”

“Would I lie about something like that?”

“Quite possibly,” he mutters under his breath but I heard him clear as day. “Spike has raised a few concerns and I find it imperative that we look more into this before we believe him or not. It is rather alarming that Spike is able to hurt Buffy, but still cannot harm other humans without his chip firing off.”

“Maybe it just malfunctioned? Or maybe he’s just lying? Come on, Giles, this is Spike we’re talking about here. Wouldn’t be the first time he’s lied to you or any of us.”

“While that is true, you have to remember that when it comes to anything about Buffy, it’s crucial we do a complete follow-up on the matter. We may have an apocalypse on our hands and nobody will be safe if Buffy is not entirely herself.”

He does have a point. I don’t tell him that though and I get up to go grab myself another beer.

“Faith, I know I am not in any way a father to you, but after the past summer, I feel a sense of responsibility for you,” Giles says as he walks up behind me in the kitchen. He pulls the beer from my hands and dumps it down the sink. “I do wish you would stop drinking or at least stop drinking so early in the day. I worry about you.”

“Don’t gotta. I’m fine. It ain’t like I’m hitting the hard stuff, G. I am _not_ my mother.”

“While I know that you are most definitely not your mother, I still have every reason to worry about you. We talked about this before and--”

“And we’re not talking about it again,” I cut him off. I am definitely not in the mood to be talking about my family, especially not my mother.

“My point is, Faith, I do worry about you sometimes,” he replies with a heavy sigh. “It’s something that cannot be helped.”

“You care about me, blah, blah, blah,” I laugh and he cracks a small smile. “I know, G. You care about me and yet you doubt me, worry about me getting myself into trouble I can’t get myself outta, but I get it. it’s kinda like the way you care about Buffy, right? You look at both of us like the daughters you never had.”

“You two _are_ the daughters I never had and nothing will ever change that, Faith. if I am hard on you, it’s simply because--”

“You care. Got it. I’m gonna get some sleep. Been a rough couple of nights for me and I’m gonna need it if I’m gonna be working late tonight.”

“Faith?” Giles says as I head for the stairs. I stop and turn to look at him. “If there was something different, perhaps off about Buffy, you would tell me, wouldn’t you?”

I nod my head a little, but I don’t say a word. I’m tired of lying, especially to Giles. He doesn’t deserve that, not after everything he’s done for me and not to mention the fact that he trusts me. I head up the stairs and all but collapse on the bed as soon as I kick off my boots. I barely got my eyes closed when someone rings the doorbell downstairs. I groan as I pull the pillow over my head as soon as I hear Willow’s voice downstairs once Giles has let her in.

Am I ever gonna get some decent sleep?

With the thoughts in my mind now centering around what’s been happening with Buffy--and not on Roman, the First Evil, etc.--I doubt I’ll even be able to sleep soundly now that I think about it. I can hear Willow asking Giles to talk to me, but he keeps insisting that I had another long night and that I need my rest. Willow is persistent though and in a matter of minutes I hear her coming up the stairs.

“Faith, I know you’re not sleeping,” she says and I groan loudly as I pull the pillow off my head.

“What is it that you want, Red? I’m so fucking tired right now.”

“You look like hell,” she muses and shrugs as she sits down on the edge of the bed. “Were you and Buffy patrolling all night?”

I close my eyes so she can’t read me just by looking at me. I knew I’d be hounded by one of them, just didn’t think it’d be Willow.

“No,” I reply carefully. “Why?”

“It’s just that I’m worried about her, that’s all. We all are worried about her, Faith. She hasn’t been back for very long and I think I can recognize the signs that my best friend is on a fast downward spiral she won’t come out of easily.”

“Is this ‘cause of what Spike told you guys?” I ask her as I sit up and stretch at little. “You guys are seriously taking his word that Buffy came back wrong?”

“We--well, we don’t know what to think, Faith. There is a way for us to find out for sure if there is anything wrong with her. It’s just a small little spell, nothing big,” she replies quickly and I raise a doubtful eyebrow at her. “Okay, it’s a big spell, but it won’t hurt her. She won’t even know we’ve done it.”

“Ain’t nothing wrong with her, Red. Why don’t you take my word for it?”

“Why?”

“’Cause I lied to you about Buffy and me. We’re not patrolling though. Not really.”

“Then what are you--oh. Oh!” Willow flushes a little as she stands up from the bed like it just scalded her skin off. “Wait,” she sighs as she stares right at me and I can only stare right back. “What are you doing if you’re not patrolling?”

“Just hanging out, Red. Don’t get your panties in a twist over it.”

If Willow manages to figure out what I’m not telling her, I’m good as dead. I never underestimate her. She’s proven that to me before. It’s hard to not just lie, but keep secrets around this one. And yeah, I’ve heard a few things from Tara that she’d used some kind of a truth spell a few times just to find out some things that were being kept from her. Pretty scary, if you ask me.

“Just hanging out?” Willow tests me and I nod my head slowly. “Seriously?”

“It’s no bed of roses. She’s kicked my ass a couple of times, but it is how it is.”

The way she’s staring at me makes me wig. I lie back down, pull the pillow over my head, and hope to hell that she gets the hint just to leave me alone and let me sleep already. Sure, I’ve gotten a few hours of sleep and I’ve survived before doing just that, but my body is just begging me to get some rest. I feel Willow move up on the bed and lay down next to me.

“Red,” I sigh heavily as she pulls the pillow away from me. “What gives?”

“You’ve been difference since Buffy came back,” she says softly and I shrug a little and try to fight her for the pillow. She doesn’t give up easily. “What’s going on, Faith?”

“Nothing is going on,” I say, trying to stare her in the eyes even though it’s a big fat lie and I can tell she knows it too. “Buffy needs someone there for her right now and for some reason, that someone is me.”

Willow turns on her side and stares at me and I just laugh at little.

“How ya think Tara is gonna feel knowing you’re almost all snuggled up with me?”

“She wouldn’t care,” Willow replies seriously. “We’re all friends and she knows I love her and only her. Faith,” she sighs as she sits up and stares down at me. “Whatever is going on between you and Buffy, it’s not healthy. You do know that right?”

No point in asking her what she’s talking about. Gonna bet she used some witch-fu on me since she came up here to talk to me.

“I know you won’t say anything since you are protecting her, but I’m not just worried about Buffy here, Faith. I’m worried about _you_. We all are.”

“Don’t worry about me, Red, I’m a big girl and I can handle myself.”

“Can you?”

“What the hell are you grilling me for?” I ask her, the anger bubbling to the surface. “I ain’t done anything wrong here.”

Willow raises an eyebrow as she watches me get out of bed. I grab my half empty pack of cigarettes off the dresser and light one. It’s barely ten seconds before I hear Giles grumbling downstairs, but I don’t put it out, I just lean up against the dresser and take one long drag.

“You using your witch-fu on me right now, Red?”

“No! Why would you think that?”

I shrug. “I’ve heard some things.”

“Things? What kind of things and from who?”

Willow looks nervous now. good. I give her another shrug and take another long drag, inhaling as deeply as I can until my lungs feel the burn.

“There have been too many secrets,” I say to her and she sighs loudly before nodding her head. “I don’t get it, Red. I’ve been here all summer. Thought you guys trusted me now?”

“We do!” She stammers quickly. “Is this about us not telling you what we were planning to do about bringing Buffy back?”

“What’s done is done, right? just don’t get why I keep getting left in the dark.”

“We had a feeling you’d try to stop us if you knew what we were planning,” she says softly and I look around the dresser for something to use as an ashtray. I pick up the lid on a scented candle I’ve never used and use that. “You would’ve done anything you could do to stop us.”

“Not entirely true.”

“Faith,” she frowns as she gets off the bed and walks over to me. “Listen, I know you feel like you’re being left out, but we--”

“Don’t entirely trust me. I get it. Shouldn’t have expected things to change and now that Buffy’s back, they went right back to the way they were before. Don’t sweat it, Red. I know the score.”

“Faith--”

“Just go,” I say hastily. “I’m fucking tired here and you’re cutting into some serious time between me and my pillow right now.”

She leaves, but not before I catch the tears swelling up in her eyes. I don’t let it bother me since I know how emotional she can get over the littlest of things. I put my cigarette out and crawl back into bed. I’m out as soon as my head hits the pillow.

And all I seem to be able to dream of is Buffy.

****

The Bronze is quiet tonight and I’m a bit relieved about that. Olivia is busy tending the frat boys at the far end of the bar and I’m trying to stack the clean glasses along the shelf in the back. I hear the frat boys start to get a bit rowdy. I look over at them and recognize them from last night. They’re the ones who started the fight that shut the place down early. I glare at them, giving them a silent warning and they instantly shut up, take their beers from Olivia and head up to the balcony.

“God, I hope it’s not going to be like last night,” Olivia says as she joins me and starts to help me stack the glasses. “So far it’s quiet, but it never usually stays like this for long.”

“I know. I’ve been coming here for a while,” I remind her with a smile. “Think it’s too early to duck out for a quick smoke break?”

“Faith, you’ve only started your shift half an hour ago.”

“So?” I say and she laughs. “You wanna come for a quick one?”

“Do I ever.”

We leave Gary alone to tend to the dozen or so people that are in here. He doesn’t look too happy with us, but I’m taking Olivia’s advice and don’t care what he thinks just as long as he pays me at the end of every shift. We head out the back door and she pulls out a fancy little case and pulls out two long cigarettes.

“Roman had a friend of his send these over from Madrid,” she says with a playful smile as she hands me one. I look at it and instantly I know it’s not just a cigarette. “Don’t worry, it’s just gonna give you a little buzz.”

“I don’t do drugs, Liv,” I say as I hand it back to her.

She shrugs it off and lights up, inhaling deeply as I pull out my pack of cigarettes. I’m about to pull one out when I feel there’s something here in the alley with us. I didn’t bring any weapons with me and I quickly look around to see if there’s anything back here that I can use in a pinch.

Five big vamps come around the corner and they spot us at the back door almost instantly. Olivia is completely oblivious to the fact we’re being hunted by five vamps right now. I spot a piece of rebar by the dumpster and I move quickly to grab it. Olivia looks at me like I’ve lost my mind but then she spots the vamps getting closer to us. They’re running to us now.

“What the hell?” Olivia shrieks as one of them grabs her.

I use the rebar to hit the one closing in on me and he howls in pain as the metal cuts his face. I duck and roll towards Olivia, but the vamp that grabbed her is already pulling her down the alley in the direction they came from. I feel the other vamps grab my arms before I can make another move and I try to break free to no avail.

“Let go of me you asshole!” Olivia screams at the vamp that is still dragging her away. “Do you have any idea who I am?”

I struggle against the hold the vamps have on me and I can feel their cold breath on my neck as they start dragging me towards Olivia and the other vamp. One of them grabs the rebar out of my hand, twisting it until I let go and I scream in pain as I feel the bones in my wrist snap.

Suddenly the vamp just lets go of Olivia and is on his knees in front of her. I see her smirk and take a drag of her cigarette as she uses her other hand to straighten out her clothes.

“Your Highness, we are very sorry. We’ve come for the Slayer,” the vamp says as he bows his head down in front of her. “The Immortal sent us to retrieve her. We had no idea you would be with her.”

What. The. Fuck?

“Let her go,” Olivia says to the vamps holding me and they instantly let me go. I raise an eyebrow at her, wondering what the hell is going on here. “Roman will hear about this, you stupid degenerate fools. Consider the next hour your last.”

The five vamps run off like scared little children. I can’t stop staring at Olivia. I want to know what the hell is going on here!

“Well,” she sighs as she lifts my broken wrist. “My secret is out now.”

“What the hell are you?”

“Who the hell am I, is what you should be asking,” she laughs softly. She wraps her hand around my broken wrist, making me wince. A soft bright light emanates from her hand and suddenly I feel no pain and I can feel the bones fusing back together as if they were never broken in the first place. “I am the Mother. They refer to me as their Queen. I am older than the oldest things that walk this earth and the heavens above and the many hell dimensions below. I am older than that imaginary being you humans refer to as God.”

I’m starting to think we got a _much_ bigger problem on our hands than we ever imagined.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

** Chapter Seventeen **

 

I don’t know when I blacked out or how, but when I open my eyes I’m bound to a chair in a small, damp room with the only light coming from a single candle sitting on the table in front of me. The room smells like death and I have to fight to keep from puking whatever is left from the hamburger I’d ate for dinner. I can hear voices outside the small room and I let my eyes focus and can barely make out a single door.

The voices start to fade and I struggle against the chains that bound me to the chair. My head starts to spin and I fight against the chains harder, feeling every ounce of energy I have just draining out of me. My head rolls back as I struggle to keep my eyes open and I look over at the door as it’s opened and I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

“You think we’re stupid, don’t you?” Roman asks softly as he steps into the light. I glare at him and he laughs as he pulls out a syringe from the front pocket of his designer jacket. “You and the others thought we’d never figure out what you were up to, didn’t you? That’s where you’re wrong, Faith. We knew all along.”

I groan as he grabs my hair and pulls my head right back. I see him hold the syringe up, the green liquid sloshing around inside as he moves it in front of my eyes.

“You won’t stop us. Not me, not Olivia, and most definitely not the First Evil. What we have planned is far more than any of you can take on and with only two Slayers in the entire world, you won’t even have a fighting chance at _trying_ to stop any of us.”

“We’re gonna try,” I croak. Roman laughs and pulls my hair a little harder. I wince in pain, but bite my tongue to keep from saying anything I’ll regret when this asshole kills me.

“This here,” he says as he waves the syringe in front of my eyes again. “This will send you back. Figuratively. You’ll be there in mind, but your body will still be here, bound to this chair.”

“Why?” I dare ask. “What good is that gonna do for you?”

“We need you out of the way, Faith, and this here is the only way to make sure it stays that way.”

I have no leverage and no strength to break free of the chains. There’s no way in hell I’m letting this guy shoot me with some kind of drug that’s gonna fuck with my head. I struggle against him, but I feel too weak and Roman continues to laugh, releasing my hair only to stroke his long, lean fingers through it.

I try again to break free of the chains, but Roman growls as he grabs my hair again and jams the needle into the side of my neck. I almost black out as I feel the liquid entering my veins. My head rolls back as he releases me and the room is spinning. I can only faintly see the outline of his face and the sinister smile he has curled over his lips.

I’m hearing voices of people who aren’t even in this room and I fight to keep my eyes open. Whatever the hell he just injected into my body is too strong for me to fight and with a deep breath, I give in and close my eyes. The pull on my body is intense. It feels as if I’ve been sucked into some kind of a vortex. My stomach flips and I try to open my eyes, but there’s nothing but darkness as my eyes stay forced shut.

The voices--well, a single voice--can be heard more clearly now, but I can’t quite seem to make out what it’s saying. The pull I was feeling gradually fades and something feels different. Too different. I try not to panic and I realize I’m still holding my breath.

“Faith, you stupid son of a bitch! Get your lazy ass out of bed!”

Ma? I open my eyes and release the breath I’m holding. The light is bright, the room is small and smells of stale cigarette smoke and booze. I grip at my chest as my eyes adjust to the light a little more, but it’s the hard slap across the face that jolts me awake.

“Get out of bed!” She screams at me as she grabs my arm and drags me out of bed. “Don’t make me beat some fucking sense into you, girl!”

“Ma?” I croak out, my voice slightly different, higher than usual. “Ma?” I ask again, stunned as she forces me to stand up straight and stares right into my eyes, her face inches away from mine.

“Don’t you “ma” me, girl.”

I realize now the smell of stale cigarettes and booze isn’t coming from the room. It’s coming from her. I step back and just stare at her. Whatever the hell Roman injected me with, brought me back to the memories of the day my mother killed herself. And I know it’s the day she killed herself. The conversation is forever burned deep in my mind. We never had any other quite like it and this is one of those memories I thought I’d buried deep inside of me for good.

“You are going to school whether I gotta drag your lazy ass there or not. Ya heard what that cop said the last time he brought you home. Either ya go to school or you’re gonna be thrown in juvenile hall with the rest of your little friends.”

When I don’t say anything, she hits me again and I can feel my cheek burning. Being a slayer for as long as I have been, I’d forgotten how much being hit actually hurt. I fight back the tears as she storms out of the room and slams the door shut behind her. I look around the room and it is everything I remembered my old room was in the shitty old apartment in Southie. Twin bed, bare walls, a single ratty old dresser and a pile of clothes on the floor.

I find some clothes that smell cleaner than the rest and I head for the bathroom. It’s disgusting. My mother never cleaned a day in her life, usually leaving that job to me and I remember that as soon as I hit twelve, I refused to do it anymore. The apartment was always a mess, always disgusting and the only time it ever was “clean” was when someone from social services came over to check up on us.

The thing is though I don’t remember this part from my memory. I remember telling my mother to go fuck herself before slamming the door in her face and pushing the dresser in front of the door to keep her out. I remember going back to bed with her screaming at me and pounding on the door. Me being calm and doing as I’m told is definitely _not_ a part of this memory.

I stare at my reflection in the dirty bathroom mirror. I try to fix my hair, but with no brush in sight, I gotta use my fingers to try to get through the ratty mess my hair has become. I find the makeup bag stashed under the sink. I keep fighting back the tears and the fear of what’s happening as I apply the eyeliner, not heavily like I used to, but just enough to almost hide the dark circles under my eyes. I skip the red lipstick, even though back in the day that was my thing. Thought it made me look older than I was. I know better now. It just made me look like a little whore trying too hard to be someone I wasn’t.

I walk out of the bathroom and into the small living room. It’s dark with the drapes drawn shut and the heavy haze of smoke hangs in the air. My mother is sitting in her recliner, a cigarette dangling from her lips and she has a nearly empty bottle of Jack in one hand. This was how I found her later, sitting in her chair, gripping a bottle of Jack, a burnt out cigarette dangling from her lips, her eyes wide open, bloodshot and she was dead. Cold and dead.

“Ma?” I whisper and she turns to look at me. “How about I make you something to eat before I go?”

“With what, Faithy? Ain’t got no money for food. Ya know that.”

“Then let me take you out for something to eat?” I offer, knowing I always had a stash of money in my mattress that my mother and her loser boyfriend Ray never found.

“With what money?” She snaps and I sigh heavily, knowing no matter what I say, it’s gonna end up with her screaming at me. Always did. She’s on her feet and grabbing me by the front of my t-shirt in a matter of seconds. “Who did you steal from this time, girl?”

“Nobody,” I say as calmly as I can manage. “I had a job.”

“You ain’t old enough to work! Don’t you lie to your own mother, Faithy. Who the hell did you steal from this time?”

“Peter needed help clearing out the apartment below us when that old lady died. He paid me for it fair and square,” I reply and she shakes her head. She doesn’t believe me. She never believed me a day in my life. “Peter, our landlord? Go ask him if ya don’t believe me, Ma.”

I want to tell her it wasn’t the first time I helped him out. Last time I helped him out, it paid the rent for two months since my mother and Ray couldn’t make the money to pay it. But I don’t tell her. Like I said, she wouldn’t believe me anyway.

“Come on, let’s go get something to eat, Ma,” I say with a smile.

She rolls her eyes as she sits back down in her chair and grabs the bottle of Jack from the floor. I shake my head and grab the bottle of Jack from her hands easily. She looks stunned as I storm off into the kitchen and pour what’s left down the drain. I’m shaking since I know she won’t let me just walk away from doing this.

I don’t know what she hits me with, but I fall to the floor, the back of my head throbbing in excruciating pain. She barely gives me a minute to recover before she’s pulling me to my feet and slapping me hard across the face.

“What the fucking hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Saving you,” I manage to spit out as I barely cling to consciousness. What I wouldn’t give to have those slayer powers right about now. “You’re gonna die, Ma.”

“Ain’t that the way the world works, Faithy? You live and you die.”

“Could hardly call what you’re doing living, Ma,” I smirk. “Come on, let’s go eat, okay?”

She stumbles back and runs her hands through her greasy, wavy brown hair. She looks stunned and I don’t blame her. Fourteen year old me would never have been this calm. If this is a memory of my past, why or how it’s changing I don’t know, but I’m starting to like this one a helluva lot better than the original here.

“You really didn’t steal that money?”

“No,” I say as I shake my head. “Swear I didn’t for once, Ma. Come on, I’m pretty sure that little diner down the street is still serving breakfast. Remember? It’s the place you used to take me when I was little?”

She looks down at herself and brushes off her clothes. “I’m--I can’t go out like this.”

“Go shower, put on some cleaner clothes and then we’ll go.”

She stumbles towards me and I brace myself for another slap or a punch to the face, but instead she gently cups my face and stares right into my eyes. She’s fucked up, that’s a given, but for a split second I see a string of compassion in her and it takes me all but three seconds to realize that this is no memory. Never in my life have I ever seen my mother show just a string of compassion towards me.

While my mother showers, I try to clean the place up a little. It’s horrible and it smells and there’s evidence of the hard drugs Ray always leaves lying around everywhere. What I wouldn’t give to be able to put that asshole in his place, give him a beat down. I _know_ he’s one of the main reasons my mother died. Always coaxing her into trying out whatever new “product” he was trying to sell that week.

All the while, I’m trying to figure out how the hell Roman is benefiting from this. What’s the point in sending me back to some long lost memory that I can manipulate to my will? There’s gotta be so much more too this and yet, I can’t think of one solid reason how this works in his favour.

Unless he’s just trying to mess with my head and make me so emotionally unstable that I’ll be outta the game for good once the drug wears off. That gives him an opening too since Buffy ain’t really the slayer she used to be. She’s getting there, but she still has a long way to go.

The kicker is, everything feels so real, so much more than a dream. I don’t know if it’s ‘cause of the drug Roman gave me, or if I am actually re-living this day. Even the hot water in the sink as I wash a small amount of the mountain of dirty dishes scalds my hands every time I reach in for another dish.

Whatever is happening, I don’t want to try to think too much about it and just focus on the ever changing memory of the day my mother died.

****

The small little diner is dirty, run down, but the food is delicious here. I remember it was closed down before I left Boston--well, ran from Boston and Kakistos. My mother is timidly picking at her plate of food. I ordered her the big breakfast plate complete with bacon, eggs, sausages, a biscuit, two waffles and three pancakes. She’s barely touched her food and I think she was surprised at what I’d ordered for her. I got it for myself too and had no trouble polishing it off in record time.

I don’t think she gets that I just want her to _eat_ so she can soak up all the booze she’d likely been up all night drinking.

I wave the waitress Mavis over to refill her coffee mug and to order myself another OJ. My mother sighs heavily as she watches Mavis pour her coffee and as soon as she leaves the booth, she pulls out a small bottle of vodka from her purse.

“Ma,” I frown as she pours it all into her coffee. “What are you doing?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Can’t you try to sober up a little today?”

“What are you, my mother, Faithy?”

“I just thought--”

“Thought what? Huh?” She snaps and she smirks at me in a way that makes my skin crawl. “Thought you’d take your dear old mother out for breakfast and hope she’ll sober up some? What planet are you living on, Faithy?”

“Earth,” I mutter under my breath and reach for my glass of OJ.

I know I’d tried before to get her to sober up over the years. Sometimes it worked, most times she told me to mind my own fucking business so at least her acting like this is somewhere in the middle of what resembles normal when it comes to her.

My mother carelessly lights a cigarette, ashing it almost immediately onto her plate of food. I sigh and reach into the pocket of my jeans for the money I pulled out of the stash in my mattress. She looks at me expectantly, but there’s no way in hell I’m handing over the extra after I pay for our meals. I know the first thing she’ll do with the money is go out and buy more booze and drink herself to death.

I wait until the waitress shows up with the bill and give her the cash instead of leaving it on the table. I’m not about to dine and dash just ‘cause my mother decides to swipe the money before we leave. Wouldn’t be the first time.

I take her back to the apartment and it isn’t long before she’s passed out sleeping in her chair. I make it quick as I look around for drugs and booze, getting rid of anything I can find. For whatever reason I can change this memory--and even if it’s just some trip on the drug Roman shot me up with, I’m gonna try to change it anyway and try to save her from killing herself today.

I clear off the couch of the empty chip bags, take-out food containers, empty bottles and clothes and I sit down and just watch her. I spent hours doing this just to make sure she’s still breathing. I keep expecting Ray to show up, but he never does and when my mother finally wakes up, she looks confused and angry all at once. Her body is lacking the alcohol it’s depended on for years. She makes a move to lunge at me, but I’m still quicker than her and I tackle her to the floor.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She screams at me. “Get off of me you little whore!”

“Ma, stop!” I plead with her, struggling to hold her down long enough for her to calm down. She throws me off of her and storms into the kitchen. “Ma, it’s gone,” I say as I follow her into the kitchen. She’s going through the nearly bare cupboards, throwing whatever is in them to the ground, dishes and all. “Ma! Stop!”

I keep wondering when this will all fade, when I’ll wake up--if I’ll even ever wake up. I can’t handle this. These are the years I’ve tried so hard to forget.

My mother charges at me again and I’m not ready for it. We both go flying to the ground and my head hits the hardwood floor with a loud thump. I feel dizzy. Sick. Weak.

The sounds of my mother yelling at me starts to fade as everything goes black. My stomach turns and I feel the breakfast I ate leaving me as I struggle to regain consciousness. I feel cold water being poured on my head, but I can’t open my eyes. I hear voices, just faintly, but none of them belongs to my mother.

“Did you kill her?”

“No, I just gave her the recommended dose.”

“Why isn’t she waking up? She’s been out for two days!”

Two days? What the fuck?

“Liv, darling, she’ll wake up. Give her a moment.”

Fucking Roman. Asshole. I want nothing more than to kill him even if it’s not exactly possible. I’ll find a way to hurt him, to destroy him. No matter what it takes, I’ll figure it all out.

I feel the water being poured on me again and I struggle to open my eyes. It reminds me of the first time I got so wasted I was hung-over for the whole weekend. Brutal. The slap to my face does it and my eyes fly open at the shock of the stinging pain on the left side of my face. It takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust and I’m staring right at Olivia as she watches me, completely amused.

“Welcome back, Faith.”

“Fuck you,” I rasp. “What the hell did you do to me?”

“Just a little experiment,” she replies calmly. “Don’t worry, the only long lasting effects aren’t going to kill you. At least we hope they won’t.”

“Liv,” Roman growls as he steps out of the shadows and stands next to her in the candlelight. “You’ve said far too much.”

“She should know.”

He sighs and stares right at me with his piercing glare that chills me to the core. He turns and leaves without a word, leaving Olivia and me alone in the small room. She starts pacing in front of me and it’s making me antsy. I struggle against the chains and the metal burns into my skin. They feel tighter than they were before. Either they are or my mind is playing tricks on me. Probably some kind of after effect of whatever the fuck kind of drug Roman shot me up with.

Olivia stops pacing and she walks right up to me and leans forward, placing her hands on my shoulders and stares right into my eyes with a hard, piercing stare that rivals the one Roman had given me before he left.

“Tell me what memory you were sent back to, Faith,” Olivia asks in a quiet voice. I shake my head and she grips onto my shoulders tighter. “Tell me,” she barks.

“The day my mother died,” I rasp and she lets go of my shoulders and pulls out her cell phone. She dials a number and instantly speaks in a foreign language quickly.

“Impossible,” she mutters when she hangs up and she smirks at me as she reaches towards me and gently cups my face. “How did you manage to save her, Faith?”

“Save who?”

“Your mother. She’s alive.”

What. The. Fuck?

“How?”

“It wasn’t just a hallucination that Roman sent you on,” she whispers. “He literally sent you back to that day and for good reason too.”

“She’s alive?”

“And living here in Sunnydale,” Olivia replies with a nod. “I know, you must not believe me, but I have a source I just spoke to who has confirmed that detail for me. At least now we know our little experiment worked out just perfectly.”

“You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on here?”

“We’re trying to alter history, or rather, _your_ history.”

“Why?”

“Because we can.”

“Not good enough,” I growl. “Why do you want to change my history? What good will that do for you or anyone else? I ain’t seeing the bigger picture here, Liv. So please, enlighten me with _why_ any of this matters and what’s in it for you.”

“Now, now, Faith, don’t be so harsh with me. I’ve been nothing but a friendly acquaintance to you, never once harming you and you do know that I could kill you in a second if I wanted to, don’t you? Don’t you wonder why I haven’t yet?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care.”

“Sure you do,” she smiles sweetly. “You care more than you even like to admit. Even to yourself. You see, Faith, everything you did altered history the way it was written, the way it was supposed to end up. Our little experiment is going to help us bring back the natural order of life that was destined to be. Yes, you all on your own changed what was supposed to happen with a few series of events.”

“Like?”

“You’ll be finding that out soon enough,” she replies, still smiling ever so sweetly at me. It disgusts me. “But to put it simply, Faith, we’re giving you a real second chance here to change the way your life has ended up. Don’t you want to change all the bad that you did, make it right?”

“I do,” I reply sharply. “Who wouldn’t? But it doesn’t mean I should.”

“Oh but you will. You _want_ to change the way your life ended up. You _want_ to make the right choices and not become a royal fuck-up as you are now. Don’t you ever wonder what life would be like if certain circumstances were different?”

“Of course I wonder. I spent a year in prison thinking about all that, but the last I checked you can’t go back to the past and change things. It ain’t possible.”

“It is very possible, Faith. We weren’t even positive it’d work, but as I just confirmed, it did. You saved your mother from killing herself. Hats off to you for however you managed to do just that. I have complete faith in you that every little memory you make a visit to, you’ll change things and make the right choices. You humans and your conscience work mysteriously that way.”

The wheels are starting to turn now as what Olivia is telling me is sinking in hard. They’re using me to change life back to the way it should’ve gone, not the way it actually turned out. Who knew that little old me and the many mistakes and bullshit things in my life would change the “natural order” of life.

And I can’t help but wonder what’s gonna happen next and if I’ll even have the power to change whatever has happened. That thought is there too that if I did everything differently once I was in Sunnydale, would I have still been there to help Buffy and the Scoobs fight Glory? Would me being there have made a difference in whether Buffy lived or died? It’s not the first time I’ve wondered that, but that thought is stronger now more than ever.

Olivia pulls out a syringe with the drug Roman had injected with me before. I take a deep breath and try to relax as Olivia steps forward and gently pulls my hair away from the right side of my neck. I feel the needle against my skin, but she hasn’t slid it in yet.

“I’ll see you when you wake up, Faith,” she says too sweetly and I close my eyes as she slides the needle into my skin.

“Fuck you, bitch,” I mutter as I feel the edges of reality slipping away with every steady beat of my heart. The last thing I hear is her laughing before everything goes dark.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

** Chapter Eighteen **

 

I have no idea how long I was out for this time, but when I wake up, I’m curled up in bed in a motel room and the instant that old familiar smell hits me, I know exactly where I am. I sit up and look around the room and even in the early morning light that’s making its way through the tears and holes in the drapes, I can tell that it’s not the same room I expected it to be. One huge difference is the fact there is a second double bed next to mine and someone is sleeping soundly with their back to me.

I groan as I stretch out, every joint in my body cracking as I do. I slide out of bed quietly and make my way into the bathroom. There’s a small bag on the sink and I open it. Inside there’s two sets of toothbrushes, makeup and various other products. I peer back into the room and whoever is sleeping in the bed next to me hasn’t even stirred. I splash water on my face before I look at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is much shorter and I’m still wearing last night’s makeup. I dig in the bag and find makeup remover and quickly get to work.

“Faith?”

The instant I hear the voice I freeze. I know it’s my mother, but she sounds different. Calmer, less hoarse and rough around the edges, not to mention the complete lack of slurring I’d grown up hearing coming from her every time she spoke.

“Faith, what are you doing awake so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” I reply and I hear her get out of bed and make her way towards the bathroom.

“Are you still worried that Kakistos will find us?”

I just take a minute to look at her. She looks so different yet still so much the same. Gone is what I used to think was a permanent smell of booze and cigarettes coming off her like she poured it on her like a perfume. Gone are the dark bags under her eyes, the sores on her face that were caused by all the drug binges she’d gone on before. With just one look, she looks healthy and I feel somewhat relieved.

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“Everything okay?” She asks as she reaches out for me. “Did you sleep at all last night?”

“I--I don’t know. A little,” I mutter and freeze as she wraps her arms around me and hugs me tight. “Ma?”

“Go back to sleep. It’s early. If he’s followed us here, he won’t be able to come to you now that the sun has risen.”

“I’m not that tired, Ma.”

“Since when do you wake up before noon?” She asks with a smile and she shakes her head when I don’t answer her. “Are you sure everything is all right?”

“Just fine, Ma. Perfect even. Had a strange dream, that’s all,” I reply all too easily. “How about I got grab us some coffee?”

“You know I don’t drink coffee,” she says with a small frown. “I’ll take a steeped tea.”

“Right, right,” I reply and shake my head as I step past her into the room.

I flip on the bedside light beside the bed I woke up in and I spot a black duffel bag on the floor. I pick it up, place it on the bed, and pull out a pair of clean jeans, a white t-shirt and a change of panties and a fresh crisp--yet plain--bra. My mother disappears into the bathroom and locks the door behind her. I change quickly and run my fingers through my hair.

I grab the simple leather wallet off the bedside table and I check inside. There are a few twenties inside and I’m a bit surprised about that. Never had I ever carried money before that didn’t go straight to the manager of whatever motel I was staying in to pay for my room, or fast food, or booze, or cigarettes. I’m out the door before my mother can come out of the bathroom and I walk fast, heading towards Main Street.

I know this time I was sent back to Sunnydale, right when I first arrived here. But right off the bat, everything is different. Like for one thing, my mother is alive and here with me and acting completely fucking normal. Makes me wonder what else is so completely different now that my mother is still alive. I know my life after she died would’ve been different if she hadn’t, but I could never imagine just how it would change things. It seemed like an impossible thing to imagine, but I’m starting to think I gotta get with the program before she figures out that something ain’t right here.

It’s quiet aside from a few cards driving by and I know it’s still early. The Espresso Pump is just opening as I get there and I step inside, grabbing a newspaper from the pile by the door. The first thing I do is I check the date. Tuesday October 13th 1998\. The exact day I met Buffy, well, technically I didn’t meet her until that night outside the Bronze, but that’s not the point.

I have no idea how the hell Olivia and Roman know so much details of my life, but I wouldn’t put it past them that they’d probably been watching me a helluva lot longer than I even realize. Whatever their game plan is, they’re changing some key points in my past. It’s making me feel fucking sick.

“Can I help you?” The girl behind the counter asks. “Would you like something?”

“A large coffee, black and a steeped tea if ya got it,” I reply once I find my voice.

The girl nods and busies herself with my order. I take a seat at the table near the counter and flip through the paper, looking for anything out of the ordinary. There’s nothing that jumps out at me, just boring news and the obits page is still as long as I remember it the last time I ever picked up a newspaper in Sunnydale.

I pay the girl for the drinks and put the newspaper back on the way out. I nearly run into a frantic looking Xander. He mutters a half-assed apology. I almost say something to him, but I don’t. At this point, none of them even knew I existed yet. I hear him ordering donuts, likely for the gang, and I hear him ask the girl to throw in a few extra jellies. I laugh since I know even then, those few extra jellies were never there by the time Xander showed up with them.

My mother is standing outside the motel room door by the time I get back there. She’s smoking a cigarette, her long hair damp from the shower. I hand her the cup of tea and she smiles as she takes it. I sip my coffee carefully since it’s still hot and she offers me a cigarette that I willingly take.

“What are you planning to do?” She asks me and I just stare at her as I light the cigarette. “About Kakistos?” She elaborates and keeps her voice low. “We came here to find the other Slayer, right? Do you think she’ll help?”

“She will.”

“Do you even know how to find her? What if she refuses to help you? What if you end up dead like Diana when you come face to face with that monster?”

“Ma, relax. It’ll be taken care of and I’ll walk away with nothing more than a scratch, if that.”

“What did you say Diana said her name was?”

“Buffy.”

“What a fucking ridiculous name,” she laughs loudly. “Makes ya wonder what her mother was thinking when she named her that.”

I force myself to laugh along with her, but stop even though she keeps laughing. I sip my coffee and take a long drag of my cigarette.

“When are you going to start looking for her?” She asks after she’s had her fill of mocking Buffy for her name. “Tonight?”

“Yeah. Might be easier to lure her out of the crowd if she senses a vamp is about to make me dinner,” I reply, shrugging half-heartedly.

I almost want to head right over to Sunnydale High and walk right into the library where I know I’ll find Buffy and the Scoobs, but I don’t think I can just do that. Unless I come up with some big, elaborate lie that Diana told me where I’d be able to find Buffy and Giles, it won’t even work. I think about that for a minute. It’d work and probably a better way for Buffy and I to meet for the first time. I got a chance here to make a much better impression with her and a chance to just be me and not throw up a façade and make myself look like some kind of a badass slayer with no morals and without a fucking care in the world.

Maybe this whole screwed up experiment Olivia and Roman are using me in will work out more in my favour than theirs? I guess it really wouldn’t hurt to try to do things differently. It made a world of difference the last time in whether my mother lived to see another day or met her original fate.

Whatever I am going to do to change things, I gotta figure it out sooner rather than later.

****

Around noon, I make the decision to head to Sunnydale High and unfortunately for me, my mother decides to tag along and come check it out in case we decide to stay in town for a while. Her excuse? I need to be in school and finish my education whether I want to or not. I don’t tell her off, don’t even argue her point. We walk through the streets of Sunnydale and I ignore her as she goes on and on how cute and quaint and quiet the town is and how she could see us settling down here for a little while.

The school grounds are busy with everyone out on their lunch period. My mother tells me to take a look around the school while she goes into the office to talk to someone about enrolling me there. I wait until she’s inside the school before I head around to the back. I use the entrance closest to the library and walk right in. the halls are quiet and I make my way to the library doors. I can hear Buffy talking inside, followed by Xander’s obnoxious laugh.

I take a deep breath and walk right in. instantly Buffy stops talking, Xander stops laughing, and Giles stares right over at me, looking at me like I shouldn’t even be here right now. I brush it off and walk right over to Giles with a smile on my face and stick out my hand to shake his.

“Rupert Giles, right?”

“Erm, yes,” he stammers as I shake his hand. “What can I do for you?”

“Diana Dormer told me I would be able to find you here,” I reply quickly and he raises an eyebrow at that. “She was my Watcher. She was killed a few weeks ago.”

“So sorry to hear that. What is your name?”

“Faith. Faith Lehane. Slayer,” I say with a smile and I see Giles letting down his guard a little.

“Another one?” Buffy asks as she walks up to where we’re standing. “Giles?”

“As would be expected. She would’ve been called after Kendra died.”

“Right,” Buffy replies, looking skeptical as she looks me up and down. “Well, we could always use an extra slayer around here when things get rough,” she shrugs and she turns and walks back over to the table to join her friends.

“Diana Dormer,” Giles mutters to himself. “I haven’t spoken with her in years. The last I know she was off looking for a potential in New York. Are you from there?”

“Boston.”

“Ah,” he nods his head slowly. “I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a Watcher is never easy. What was it that killed her? A vampire? Demon?”

“Do not say werewolf!” Willow says nervously.

“Kakistos,” I reply as calmly as I can. “He killed her and then tried to kill me. I ran and end up down here. Thought I could get a little help in getting him off my trail when he shows up. What do ya say, B? Feel like hunting down one ugly ass vampire and dusting him with me?”

“A vampire named Kissing Toast?” Buffy laughs. “Pass on that one.”

Giles is already scrambling back to his office and I just stare at Buffy like she’s gone and lost her mind. Keep forgetting how naïve she used to be back in high school. She still has this aura of innocence to her and it’s something I thought I’d never see in her again. But then again, she hasn’t died and stayed dead for four months only to be brought back from Heaven by her friends. She doesn’t know that darkness yet and I know I am gonna do all I can to make sure she never has to.

“Why are you here, really?” Buffy asks me and I shrug.

“Told ya. On the run from a big bad vamp and I need some help. Diana told me some stories about you so I thought I’d come down and see it for myself.”

“What kind of stories?”

“Good ones, don’t worry, B. She made you seem like some kind of warrior princess,” I say with a wink. I laugh at the look on Buffy’s face. She’s at complete loss for words. It’s pretty fucking cute if you ask me. “So, what do ya say, B? Wanna give me a hand? Came all this way.”

“You couldn’t pick up a phone and like call before you came here? What if I’m busy?” Buffy asks, the tone in her voice a little cold.

“Hard to pick up a phone when you’re on the run from a vamp who wants you dead.”

“All vampires want us dead. We’re slayers. Doesn’t mean we let them get that chance. What’s so different about this Kissing Toast guy anyway?”

Giles walks out of his office with a book in his hand. “Kakistos is Greek, it means the worst of the worst. It's also the name of a vampire, so old his hands and feet are cloven,” he says as he closes the book. “Do you have any idea what you’re dealing with, Faith?”

“Oh I know. I gave him a little souvenir to remember me by when he killed my Watcher. Gonna bet anything that’s why he’s out for my blood, you know aside from the fact that I’m a slayer and you know what they say about slayers, their blood is like crack to vamps and demons alike,” I reply and laugh at the horrified look on Buffy’s face. “That’s why I need a little help here. Two slayers are better than one, right, B?”

“I uh, guess so? Giles?” Buffy turns to him. “How dangerous is Kakistos? I mean, we’ll have a chance if we go after him together, right?”

“Quite possibly, yes, but like with any vampire you encounter, you never know what the outcome will be.”

“We’ll get him, trust me,” I said through clenched teeth. Here I was thinking it’d be easier to get through to Buffy, Giles and the others, but it’s turning out harder than it was originally. “He might be big, old, and a helluva lot stronger than your average vamp, but we got a chance if we take him out together, B.”

This isn’t working. I ain’t convincing any of them here. I turn to leave but stop when I feel Buffy’s hand on my shoulder, trying to keep me from walking away. Immediately she pulls it away like I just shocked her or something and I offer her a small smile when I turn around to face her.

“Wait,” she says softly and I swear I see her blushing a little bit. “Stay. I don’t have any classes this afternoon and I was just going to train here with Giles.”

“Stay and train?” I ask her, raising an eyebrow at that. “Seriously?”

She nods her head slowly and looks back at Giles who gives her an encouraging little nod. “Yes, seriously. It’s not every day a new slayer comes to town, Faith.”

“Wouldn’t think so, but then again I hear our death rate is pretty high. Or was until you set the bar on that one,” I reply with a little laugh. “Actually, I gotta go find my mother. She’s trying to enroll me here,” I say, rolling my eyes as Buffy smiles a little at that. “I’ll catch you later?”

“I’ll be here all afternoon,” she replies with a smile I know is pretty much forced. “Unfortunately,” she adds in a whisper that I know I’m the only one that can hear.

I give her a wink and I leave the library. I all but run into my mother right around the corner and she has a few papers in her hand. I raise an eyebrow at her as she leads the way out of the school and she doesn’t say a word until we’re about a block away. She stops to light a cigarette and before she does that, she hands me the papers she’s carrying. I quickly look them over and they’re forms she’s filled out with all my information and the last paper is a schedule.

“You start tomorrow morning. You better make sure you show up to class on time and every single day that we’re here. Principal Snyder was a hard one to convince to let you enroll considering your records.”

“You had my old records with you?”

“All it took was a phone call to your old school and they were faxed right over. I don’t think that secretary was impressed with the fact it was over a hundred pages long. Snyder sure wasn’t impressed with your track record either, but I convinced him things will be different with you here than they were in Boston. You better make sure they are, Faith.”

I laugh and fold the schedule up, and place it in my back pocket. I hand the other papers back to my mother and walk back with her to the motel. We don’t talk since I’ve got too much going on inside my head to have a conversation with her right now and she doesn’t seem like she’s in the mood to talk either which works out good for both of us.

Soon as she’s back at the motel safe and sound, I head back to the school and find Buffy and Giles alone in the library, Buffy now wearing track pants and a tank and Giles in padding and a helmet. I laugh at the sight of it. I forgot what a fucking pansy Giles used to be.

“Ah, we were wondering if you would be coming back,” Giles says, panting a little as he takes off the pads from his hands and pulls off the helmet. “If you care to take over, I’ll just be in my office.”

He hands me the pads and I toss them to the floor as soon as he’s inside his office. Buffy gives me a look but doesn’t say anything. She walks over to grab the Gatorade bottle off the table and takes a couple of sips. I take my wallet out of my pocket, the motel room key, and my lighter and put it down on the table. I crack my knuckles and stretch a little, all the while keeping an eye on Buffy and watching her as she watches me closely.

“So, what do you say we do this without the pads, B?”

“Do it?” she asks as she crosses her arms over her chest. “And what do you mean by that?”

“Sparring of course. What did you think I meant?”

“Nothing,” she snaps. “I never train with someone else if they aren’t protected.”

“I’m a slayer. Ain’t nothing you can throw at me that’ll hurt me. Try it, B. It’s fun.”

“How would you even know?”

“Just a feeling.”

Buffy shakes her head no and I catch her rolling her eyes at me as she turns and starts to walk towards Giles’ office. I reach out and grab her arm to stop her. She nearly jumps away as soon as we make contact. She has this weird look in her eyes and I gotta wonder what the hell is up with that. I don’t want to flat out ask her, but colour me confused here. Buffy ain’t ever jumped whenever we touched before, at least not that I ever saw.

“Where ya going, B? Afraid to get a little sweaty with me?” I ask with a wink that sends her into a deep blush.

“Are you always like this?”

“Like what?” I ask her as I step back and lean against the table.

“Like…this,” she says as she waves her hands at me.

“I’m just me.”

“I can see that,” she says under her breath and she casts a glance towards Giles’ office before she lets out an exasperated sigh. “Fine. Let’s do this your way.”

“You got a safe word ya like to use?” I ask her and she blushes again, but not nearly as bad as before. “Come on, everyone has a safe word, B.”

“How about we use “stop” like normal, sane people do?”

“Fine by me, girlfriend.”

I have to admit I missed this Buffy. The one with the aura of innocence and the one that made it easy to fluster with a few words and a couple of winks and flirty smiles. This Buffy was easy to be around even when it wasn’t. Everything changed that night I accidentally killed Finch and I wonder if I’ll get the change to change that too at some point or another. At this rate, I’m full out enjoying this little experiment. The least I can do is enjoy it while it lasts, right?

If Olivia didn’t tell me anything, I would’ve thought this was nothing more than a dream, a hallucination caused by the drugs. Maybe it is and she’s just fucking with me.

Buffy throws a hard right hook right at my face and I don’t see it until I feel the pain of her fish crunching into my jaw.

“Oh I’m sorry, Faith, I thought you were ready,” she drawls, that smirk I’ve grown to love over time twisting my heart into knots.

“If I wasn’t ready then, I’m ready now,” I quip as I swipe her legs out from under her and she falls to the floor. “Now we’re even, B.”

“Sure we are, F.”

We go back and forth, throwing easy and predictable moves at each other. Buffy picks up the pace and in no time she has me pinned to the floor. We’re breathing heavily and I’m trying so hard to forget what it was like when we were fucking and the way she felt against me as she pinned me to the bed, fucking dominating me like no one else ever had before.

Buffy is staring hard down into my eyes and she eases her grip on my wrists a little. I watch her as she bites her lower lip and I make my move. I flip her around until I’m on top and I got her hands pinned to the floor above her head. My face is just inches from hers and I feel her groan softly as I grind my hips down against hers.

What I wouldn’t give to know what’s going through her mind right now. The way she’s staring up at me is so intense it’s driving me fucking crazy. I just want to kiss her, take her behind one of the bookshelves and fuck her until she can’t take it anymore, all the while making her stay quiet and doing all I can to keep her from crying out my name as she comes.

Fuck, now I’m wet and I can’t wipe the image of the way she looked when I made her cum hard over and over again the other night.

I get up and try to shake it off. In this point in time, Buffy literally just met me an hour ago and here I’m thinking of fucking her in the library with Giles less than fifty feet away. Not like it’s any different than the first time I met her, but the point is, I know I can’t be thinking like that. Buffy sits up but she doesn’t stand. She’s flushed and I’m not so sure if it’s ‘cause of the sparring or if it’s ‘cause of the position I’d just put us in.

“I uh, I think I’m done training for the day,” she stammers and she stands up quickly. “Um, Faith?”

“Yeah, B?”

“Do you want to come over for dinner? I’m sure Mom would love to meet you.”

“Sure, never can turn down some free food,” I smile and she rolls her eyes.

“And you can invite your mother too if you’d like.”

“Great.”

She tears a piece of paper out of her notebook and scribbles down her address. She hands it to me and when our fingers touch, I feel that spark I always feel with her, but it’s more intense. Different.

“Come around six. We’ll go out on patrol after and I’ll show you the sights of Sunnydale after dark complete with vamps and demons alike.”

“See ya then, B.”

I watch her walk out of the library quickly, nearly dropping her bag as she grabs it on the way out. I can’t help but smile a little and I turn around to find Giles standing right there behind me.

“Training go all right?” He asks and he’s clearly not amused.

“Went great. B’s got some moves, that’s for sure.”

“I’ve made a couple of phone calls to the Council to confirm you are who you say you are. Indeed Diana Dormer is dead and they’re sending you a replacement Watcher as soon as possible.”

“Let me guess, another tweed-wearing English guy who goes by the name Wesley Wyndam-Pryce?”

Giles looks flustered and he removes his glasses, pulls out his hanky from his pocket, and starts to clean them. “How do you know that?”

“Wild guess?” I try.

“Wesley will be arriving within days,” Giles continues and he picks up the pads from the floor where I’d tossed them. “In the meantime, I will be acting as your Watcher and I do expect you to show up daily for training and to patrol each night alongside Buffy. We’ll be evaluating your skills as a slayer once Wesley has arrived, and until then, I expect only the best from you. Diana was a good colleague of mine and a well-respected Watcher.”

“Of course, G.”

“Bloody hell,” he mutters under his breath as he walks back into his office. “I’ll be expecting you here after school is out. On time. No excuses.”

I give him a nod when he turns to look at me and he disappears back inside his office. I hear him mutter another “bloody hell” under his breath before he shuts the door. I grab my stuff and head out of the library. The halls are quiet and as I pass a few classrooms, I hear the discussions and chatter coming from beyond the closed doors.

I start feeling dizzy before I make it outside and I grab on to the walls, trying to steady myself. I make it outside and I faintly can see Buffy up ahead of me. I try calling out her name, but I collapse to the ground, the world spinning around me. 

I try to hang on to this moment but it’s gone within the blink of an eye. I wake up in the same room I was in before, still bound to the chair, but I’m alone this time and the candle has nearly burnt out.

I gotta wonder how much longer this little experiment is gonna go on. I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel completely drained. I’m hungry, dehydrated, and looking to kick some serious ass even if it ends up with me getting killed in the end.

But hey, whatever doesn’t kill us can only make us stronger in the end. I’m just hoping that saying stays true and that I make it through this bullshit in one piece.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

** Chapter Nineteen **

 

Every time I drift in and out of consciousness, I keep expecting to end up somewhere in the past. To say I’m fucking disappointed to wake up still in this chair, bound by chains I cannot break, is a serious understatement.

I don’t know when the candle burnt out, but the darkness is almost comforting now when I open my eyes. If I could guess, it’s been almost nine hours since I woke up from that last so-called trip to the past. I keep wondering when Roman or Olivia are gonna come back in and give me another dose of their little magical time-changing drug. Or whatever the hell it is.

I hear whispered voices approaching the door and I struggle against the chains, hoping maybe now I’d somehow gather the strength to break free. No such luck. Olivia walks in alone, carrying a tall candle that she quickly replaces with the old, burnt out one. I blink a few times, letting my eyes adjust from the darkness. I notice she has a bottle of water with a straw in it and a shitty looking half sandwich that despite the way it looks it makes my stomach growl.

“Here,” Olivia says as she places the straw to my dry lips. “Drink.”

I eagerly drink the water and despite the fact that it’s warm, it’s wet and that’s all that matters to me right now. I drink the entire bottle and Olivia pulls the straw away from my thirsty lips.

“How are you feeling, Faith?”

“How do you think I’m feeling, Liv? Just fucking peachy,” I reply, the sarcasm dripping from my voice. “How much longer are you gonna fuck around with my life here?”

“As long as it takes to achieve the goal.”

I roll my eyes and she picks up the sandwich and holds it out for me. I eye it suspiciously and she sighs, sounding annoying as she lifts the top piece of break up to reveal some kind of meat, likely chicken or turkey, with a wilted piece of lettuce and rubbery looking cheese. No mayo, no mustard, not even hot sauce. She holds it closer to me and I take a bite, grimacing at the bland taste, but thankful I’m even being fed in the first place. I have no idea when I ate last. I lost track of the days as soon as I woke up in here.

“It’s all I had,” Olivia says and it almost sounds like she’s apologizing for having to feed me the world’s shittiest sandwich.

“It sucks.”

“I know,” she laughs and I finish it, swallowing the last bite hard.

I watch her carefully as she pulls out the syringe from her pocket. She checks for bubbles before pulling my hair away from my neck. She bites her lip and stops as the needle hits my skin.

“Anything you want to say, Faith?”

“How about a great big “go fuck yourself”? That work?” I say through gritted teeth.

Olivia smiles sweetly before jabbing the needle hard in my neck. Damn. Thought she would’ve been gentle like the last time. Guess telling her to go fuck herself really set her off. I feel the liquid pump through my veins and I’m out in a matter of seconds.

My chest feels heavy all of a sudden, my stomach turning in knots and it almost hurts to breathe. I can hear voices, someone shouting my name and then I can feel a hand gently cup my cheek, a soft thumb stroking gently as I struggle to open my eyes.

“Faith?” Buffy’s voice comes through loud and clear. “Faith, wake up,” she says urgently. “Oh god,” I hear her mutter under her breath as she starts to shake me. “Faith, please wake up.”

“B?” I ask before I open my eyes and I hear her sigh in relief. Following that she slaps me across the face and I can only smile as I open my eyes. “What’s going on?”

“You were kicked in the head. I thought you were dead!”

“It’s gonna take a helluva lot more than a kick to the head to kill me, B.”

“Whatever. Get up.”

I look around and instantly I remember this alleyway. I get up from the ground and pick up the crossbow that had been next to me. It takes a second for me to realize just what night I’ve come back to. That night I accidentally killed Finch. What a fucking coincidence. From the looks of things, it hasn’t happened yet. I look up and down the alley, looking for Balthazar’s minions, the El Eliminati.

“We got to get to the warehouse,” Buffy urges as she pulls on my arm to get moving. “They’ve been coming at us one by one, but I know it won’t be long before dozens more show up and come at us all at once.”

“Yeah,” I sigh as I touch the side of my head. It’s tender and I can feel the warm sticky blood matting my hair. “Uh, B? Anything else happen aside from me being kicked in the head?”

“No, but we can’t stand around and wait to find out what else is going to happen. Are you okay to keep going, Faith?”

“Just peachy,” I reply with a smile.

We head down the alley together, walking quickly and I know it won’t be long until those vamps show up for a fight. No sooner than I think it, five of them jump us from out of nowhere, but I’m ready. I use the crossbow to dust three of them before they can get too close and then it jams. I pull the arrow out and stake the one closest to me while Buffy takes care of the last one.

“Faith!” Buffy yells as she grabs another and throws him to me.

I am about to take the vampire, but I sense quickly that this is not a vampire. It’s Allen Finch. I stop myself from staking him and let him slide down the dumpster, shaking in fear, stammering illegible words as he grips his chest.

“Jesus, buddy, watch where you’re going, yeah?” I pant as I throw the arrow to the ground. “Dangerous place to be tonight. Or any night after dark in this town.”

“So--sorry,” he stammers as he stares up at me with wide eyes. “I thought you were going to kill me.”

“Oh god,” Buffy whimpers as she takes a couple steps back, clearly shocked at what had almost happened. “Faith, you almost killed him!”

“You threw him at me!” I reply angrily and I take a few deep calming breaths before I look back down at Finch. “What _are_ you doing walking around a back alley just crawling with vamps and other nasties anyway?”

“I--I was on my way to see you and the others,” he replies breathlessly. “I have some important information you--you can use against the Mayor.”

Shit. All along he was trying to find us and probably try to help us eliminate the Mayor before his ascension. I don’t want to stand here and think of all the things that could’ve gone differently from this point on. We got more company headed straight for us.

Buffy heads for the vamps, trying to fight them off and I grab Finch by the arm and drag him to his feet. He yelps, but doesn’t fight against me. He’s scared and he has every reason to be. I drag his pansy ass down the alleyway to where I hope he’ll be safe. I motion for him to stay before I go running back to Buffy.

She’s got two dusted, but about seven surrounding her. I pull out the stake from my back pocket and I jump in, standing at Buffy’s side in a matter of seconds. The El Eliminati doesn’t look happy we’re getting the upper hand, but right now I could give a fuck about that. All I want to do is el eliminate their asses.

It’s a fast paced fight that keeps me on my toes. Duck, cover, roll, stake, repeat. Buffy is handling a few on her own and I can’t help but watch her out of the corner of my eye. Damn she was in better form in high school than I saw the first time around. She catches me watching her and throws me a smile before she spins around and dusts the vamp making a move for her from behind.

I toss my stake with precision and stake the other as she grabs the last one. She doesn’t stake him, but she holds him by his throat and stares into his beady orange eyes.

Before I can watch her stake the last one and we can continue on, things start getting blurry. Fuck, not again. It wasn’t near as long as the first two times. I try to steady myself, try to keep myself in the moment, but I fall to the ground, shaking as wave after wave of nausea hits me.

I feel Buffy grab me, but I’m slipping away too quickly. I want to stick around, find out what kind of information Finch had for us on the Mayor. I want to see how different everything would’ve been after this night. I _have_ to see it. The one major game changer in the last couple of years and it’s being pulled away from me like a child having its candy taken from him at the playground by the big bad bully fat kid with a mullet.

Fuck.

****

I hear Olivia and Roman yelling at each other, but I can’t quite make out what they’re saying. It’s a mix of English and Spanish, but even the English sounds like gibberish to me. I breathe in slowly and deeply, trying to clear my head. It’s like the drug they’ve been giving me has worn off, but I’m still stuck somewhere in between. At least that’s what it feels like.

My body becomes a little more relaxed as my senses begin to clear and I’m able to open my eyes. Olivia and Roman are still arguing, but they’re not yelling at each other anymore.

“You didn’t give her enough, you fool!” Roman hisses and he slaps her hard across the face. “I told you after the last one, a full vial per dose!”

“It’ll kill her,” Olivia objects. “The last thing we want to do right now is _kill_ her, Roman. Killing her will defeat the whole purpose of this little experiment and you know it.”

“She did what was needed. She’s changed everything. We’re done,” Roman growls and he storms out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

“Idiot,” Olivia mutters and I watch her as she picks up the syringe off the table. It’s half full, a little more than the last dose, but not near as much as the first or even the second. I don’t even know if she’s aware I’m awake right now, but I’m guessing she doesn’t even care.

“Why would it kill me?” I ask quietly and she jumps a little, startled at the sound of my hoarse voice. “Liv? Thought you said it wouldn’t kill me?”

“It won’t if we don’t give you large doses,” she replies a little more calmly than I expected her to.

“That why the last one felt like it wasn’t even half an hour this time?”

“Faith, honey, you’ve been out for six hours.”

“Didn’t feel like it.”

Olivia laughs and steps towards me. “You have no idea how different things are now, do you, Faith?”

“No clue,” I reply. “How about you tell me, bitch?”

“Oh,” she tittered excitedly, “now that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?”

I roll my eyes and she grabs my hair and yanks my head back. With the strength she put into that, I’m surprised she didn’t snap my neck clean off. I wince in pain as I struggle to keep my eyes on her.

 “Lose the fucking attitude, _Faithy_ , you know it’s never gotten you anywhere in life.”

“Got me places, but can’t say they were ever good places,” I retort and she jams the needle into my neck in the same spot as the last three fucking times. “Ever think of sticking that somewhere else?”

My voice is already slurred as she’s injected the liquid into me in one shot. I don’t know why she’s even bothering. Everything had to have been different after I didn’t kill Finch, right? What kind of mistakes would I have made if I did everything right the first time? It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

I try to fight it off even though I know there’s no point. I do try though ‘cause I’m a fighter like that. Stubborn as hell too at times.

The last thing I hear before there’s nothing is the sound of Olivia laughing yet again. What I wouldn’t do to kill this bitch, Mother or not. She’s gotta have a weak spot. They all do. Sooner or later I’ll figure it out, but in the meantime, I just gotta figure out how to get the hell out of this room and away from them before they drug me up with their little magical time-jumping drug again.

****

I blink and I’m lying on a bed. The room is bright and smells like vanilla, roses, and a hint of lavender. I smile a little since just lying here on this bed feels familiar, like I’ve done this and been here in this room a million times before. I know for a fact though that this is not a part of my past, not at all. Nothing about this place is in my memories, but hey, I’ll take whatever I can get from this point out just as long as it doesn’t involve slaying or reliving my past while trying to change it.

“Faith, are you even listening to a word I’ve been saying?” Buffy’s voice snaps me out of it and I jolt upright on the bed. She’s sitting at a desk not far from the bed and I look around the room. Two beds, two desks, a mini fridge and a pile of books on the desk she’s sitting at. “Faith?”

“Huh?”

“I’ve been trying to tell you about my classes and all you’ve done is lay there with this stupid smile on your face the whole time!”

“How long ya been talking?” I ask her and she growls, full out growls, but it’s not an angry one. It’s a playful one. Before I can even blink, she tackles me and has me pinned to the bed before I can even figure out what the hell is going on here. “B?”

“I swear I don’t know why I keep you around, baby.”

 _Baby_? What. The. Fuck?

“Maybe it’s because I love you,” she whispers and I freeze. Completely and fully freeze and even stop breathing as she says those three little words to me.

Buffy doesn’t seem to notice the fact I’m seriously freaking the hell out here and she leans down and kisses me ever so softly. I let go of the breath I’ve been holding and start to relax. The way she’s kissing me is so very different than those few times we’d been up all night fucking like there was no tomorrow. There’s feeling in this kiss and I’ve never felt anything like it.

She lets go of my hands and lies fully on top of me. I slide my hands up her arms, around her shoulders and down her back. I feel her shudder against me and she deepens the kiss, moaning as I respond just as eagerly. This is nice. This is different. I could totally get used to this.

I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed it before, but I’m only wearing a pair of panties and a tank top and so is Buffy. The feel of her smooth legs against mine as she slips a thigh between my legs just cannot be described. It makes me wet and my body is revving up, aching for more.

I slide my hands under her tank, feeling the softness of her back as my hands inch upwards. The bed is small, only a twin, but I can work with that. Buffy bites on my bottom lip suddenly and I swear I almost came in my panties. Fuck. I move my hands down to grip her ass and I force her to grind up against the leg she’s straddling. She moans and my whole body tingles.

I turn us over quickly and Buffy lets out a surprised squeal as I end up on top. I break away from the kiss and just stare down at her. god she’s so fucking beautiful and she’s looking at me in a way I’ve never seen her look at me or even Angel before--at least not that I saw anyway. Right away, I notice the few hickies along her neck, they’re small and fading already but I have no doubt in the back of my mind just who gave them to her.

I decide to test the waters, see just how far she’ll let me go right now. Obviously she’s all for it. She initiated this whole thing. I’m not about to turn down sex with Buffy just ‘cause I know I’m all drugged up and this can’t really be happening.

I kiss her lips ever so softly and pull away before she can kiss me back. She pouts and I smirk a little as I dip my head back down and trail my lips along her neck lightly. I nip at the love bites on her neck and she moans, her hands going to my head and her fingers intertwining in my hair. Using one hand to hold me up just hovering over her, I use the other to palm her breast and she arches into me, seeking more. Her nipple hardens and I give it a little pinch before I trail my lips further down and across her collarbone.

I look up at her and she has her eyes locked on me and she’s biting her lower lip. Fuck. She’s so sexy and I just want to fucking ravish her. Before I can go any further, she pulls me up and kisses me hard. I never used to be much of a kisser if I wasn’t fucking the person I’m kissing at the time, but damn I could get used to this.

I slip my hand down her stomach and up the front of her shirt. Her skin is hot and smooth. I palm her bare breast and her hands move from my head. She rakes her nails down my back through the thin material of my shirt and I don’t know how much more of this I can take without getting us a little more naked here.

I grind my hips down against hers and I can feel how hot her pussy is even through her panties. I growl as I move my hand down and cup her a little hard. She shudders as she spreads her legs for me and I try to slip my fingers past the soft cotton panties. She’s so fucking wet, so hot, and so ready to be fucked, yet before I can slip a finger inside of her, she grabs my hand and pulls it away.

“Faith, baby,” she sighs as she breaks away from the kiss. “We can’t. I have to study and Will is going to be home soon.”

I frown as she plants a soft kiss on my lips and gets off the bed. I roll on my back and lean up on my elbows and watch her as she straightens out her shirt and walks over to the desk. She picks up a pair of sweatpants off the floor and pulls them on and I frown even more.

“Faith, where are your pants?” Buffy asks as she turns around to look at me. I shrug and lean back against the pillow and place my hands behind my head. “Faith,” her tone says she is serious and I can only shrug again.

I wonder how she’d react if I told her I just woke up here like this? Better not risk that.

“Here,” she says with a huff as she picks up a pair of black jeans off the floor and throws them at me. “Put them on. You know I so don’t want a repeat of what happened the last time.”

“No?” I ask as I raise an eyebrow at her. “Not a fan of Red walking in on us doing naughty things to each other?”

“Please, stop. You promised me you’d never bring that up again!” Buffy says, completely mortified and she sits down at the desk and opens up one of her textbooks. “Just put your fucking pants on, Faith.”

I smirk as I get up from the bed and pull my jeans on. She’s annoyed and looks so fucking adorable. Normally I wouldn’t think an annoyed Buffy would be adorable, but hell we just made out and it’s quite clear we’re very much together, or maybe not together but fucking like we were before all this shit went down and the past changed.

My brain is going crazy right now with questions I know I ain’t getting any answers to anytime soon. At least not while this drug is doing its job here. I want to know how Buffy and I got here, wherever _here_ is. I want to know how much has changed and how much is still very much the same. Hell, I even want to know how this whole situation is even relevant for Roman and Olivia’s little experiment they’re putting me through.

I feel something in my pocket and I reach in and pull out a set of keys. At least one I am positive is a key to a Harley. I raise an eyebrow as I look around the room and spot a pair of worn leather boots next to a black helmet and leather jacket. I look around the room a little more and see there’s another helmet, only it’s pink and I’m only gonna guess that it belongs to Buffy.

My curiosity is getting to the better of me now and I start to poke around the room aimlessly, looking for something that’ll help me get a few answers here. The first thing I notice is the pictures on the bedside table next to Buffy’s bed. There’s one of us with the Scoobs, definitely taken at graduation. There’s one of her and her mom. Then there’s a few of just the two of us, and in at least three of the framed pictures we’re holding each other and smiling like complete idiots at the camera. And the one that makes me stop and pick it up is the one where we’re kissing and we’re standing just outside the gates of Restfield cemetery.

Damn, if those pictures of the two of us don’t have “we’re in a relationship” written all over them, then I don’t know what else to call it. I put the picture back down and look over at Buffy. She’s too busy scribbling something down in her notebook and furiously flipping through the pages of her textbook at the same time to notice I’m snooping around.

I move over to Willow’s side of the room and she has similar pictures on her bedside table, of the gang and of Tara. At least she found Tara. I was almost worried maybe that wouldn’t have happened. Don’t know why, but it was just in the back of my mind that maybe things would’ve been different for her this time around. Guess no matter how much the past changes, even if it isn’t hers directly, she’s still who she is despite it all. Makes me wonder even more so how Buffy and I ever ended up together. Did not killing Finch really affect our friendship that much, so much that somehow it turned into a relationship?

“Oh my god,” Willow gasps as she all but tumbles into the room and slams the door shut behind her. “You have no idea what I just had to talk my way out of!”

“What?” Buffy asks as she looks up at her.

“Riley Finn.”

I make a face and Buffy only laughs. I hated that asshole so much and I hated it more that he didn’t know I was in Buffy’s body when he fucked me and told me/her those three little words I’m pretty sure he hadn’t told her before that.

“What did he want?”

“Only tried to persuade me into talking you into giving him a chance,” Willow replies and she looks over at me and smiles sweetly. “Hi, Faith.”

“Hey,” I nod at her. “What’d you tell him? That Buffy is with me, right?”

“Of course,” she replies quickly. “But he’s convinced she’s just going through a “phase” or something, being in college and all.”

“This is not some phase,” Buffy says as she stands up and walks over to me. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me in close. “You know that, right?”

“Sure.”

“I love you, Faith. Nothing can ever change how I feel about you. The last six months have been the best months of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

I’m gonna wake up from this any minute now. I can feel it. The dizziness, the blurring, the fading of the voices and the world around me hitting me all of a sudden. I do the only thing I can do and I kiss her with all that I have in me.

If this is how life would’ve ended up if I made all the right choices, hell, if I’d known, I would’ve done it all the first time around.

But there’s that lingering thought in the back of my mind as everything fades away completely. What if this is just one big joke? What if this is just a way for Roman and Olivia to trick me into thinking life has truly changed and it makes me absolutely batshit crazy in the end?

Guess only time will tell.

Just don’t know how much more of this I can take.


	20. Chapter Twenty

** Chapter Twenty **

 

I wake up back in the chair, still chained, but something feels entirely different. _I_ feel different. I can’t even begin to explain why or how, but I just feel it. There’s almost something different about the sounds I’m hearing just beyond the door. It’s not just voices, there’s crashing sounds and it takes a few seconds before I realize that someone is out there fighting their way past Roman and Olivia.

The buzz deep down inside me tells me it’s Buffy out there fighting them and I struggle against the chains even knowing it’s useless to try to break past them. I strain to hear the fight outside, but it’s muffled by the door. I hear Buffy yelling out in pain and my heart leaps into my throat. A few minutes pass before she comes crashing through the door. She’s beaten but not badly and Roman and Olivia aren’t right behind her as I expected them to be.

“Oh, Faith, you’re alive!” She cries out as she runs right over to me. “I thought they killed you!”

“B,” I croak as she starts to cry. “I’m okay.”

“I thought I’d never get to see you again,” she shivers as she leans down and cups my face gently with her hands. “Next time you’re gonna get yourself kidnapped, don’t.”

I don’t know if I’m convinced that everything really did change in the world or that my life is completely different now. What if Olivia just told me that to fuck with my head? I look up at Buffy and she’s crying. Why is she crying? I struggle against the chains and she lets go of my face and walks around behind the chair. She fumbles with something, a lock I think and after a minute she has me free.

“Thanks, B,” I whisper, my throat too dry to talk without some pain.

She does something I don’t expect. She straddles my lap and kisses me frantically. I’m a bit in shock even though I know I shouldn’t be, especially not after that last little “trip” I was sent on. I pull myself together and manage to wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her back. I have no energy, but I still manage to give it all I have just to kiss her back.

“Let’s get out of here, baby,” she whispers when she finally pulls away from the kiss.

“What’d you do to them?” I ask her wearily as she helps me get up from the chair. “You know you can’t kill either of them, right?”

“I know, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. As soon as we found out where you were, I had to come. Just because Roman is the Immortal and Olivia is the Mother, making her the ultimate big bad, doesn’t mean I’m just going to let them keep you. You’re mine, Faith. Nobody gets to have you but me.”

I chuckle softly at the possessive tone in her voice as she helps me walk out of the room. We’re in some kind of a basement and she helps me over to a set of stairs.

“What happened to them?”

“Olivia disappeared soon as I started fighting Roman. Don’t know why he ran off, but he did just before I found you.”

Buffy practically has to carry me up the stairs. I feel pathetic and weak. I hate depending on someone else like this. It’s never been this way and I don’t ever want to be in this position again. Buffy leads the way through what looks like an abandoned warehouse. Sunnydale never seemed to be in short supply of those. It’s night out, but I can sense it’s still early.

The fresh air has never felt better than it does right now as we step outside. I almost collapse as I breathe in big deep breaths of fresh air. Buffy tightens her grip on me and leads me away from the warehouse. My legs feel like spaghetti and just thinking of them feeling like spaghetti makes my stomach rumble loudly, reminding me it’s been far too long since I’ve eaten.

I lean against Buffy and breathe in deeply. The way she smells has all my senses tingling wildly. She stops walking and looks over at me, smiling as she wraps both her arms around me and we’re face to face.

“I’m taking you home, baby,” she whispers. “It’s been a week. You need to rest, shower definitely,” she says as she makes a face, “and after you do that, I’ll cook you something good to eat.”

“You can cook?”

That earns me a little pinch on the ass and my eyes open up wide. Buffy just laughs and plants a sweet little kiss on my lips before she lets go of me and continues to help me walk away from the warehouse.

“I’ll order pizza or Chinese, whatever you want.”

“How about you?”

“Only for dessert,” she says and I glance at her just in time to see her wink at me.

The way she said it and the way she rubs her hand against my waist as we continue to walk makes my whole body buzz. I don’t remember ever feeling this way for anyone before. It’s kind of scary, but I love the feeling I’m feeling right now.

I see the Scoobs up ahead as soon as we turn a corner. Willow is the first to run over to us, hugging both of us at the same time while babbling on and on about how she thought she’d never see either of us ever again. I’m quickly ushered inside a black SUV and Buffy is right there with me in the back seat as the others pile in. Giles is behind the wheel, Xander up in the front with him. Tara and Willow are in the seat behind us. Dawn is in the back with Willow and Tara and Anya is sitting on the other side of me unfortunately.

I can’t pay attention to anything they’re all talking about. My head is spinning. I’m exhausted, I’m fucking starving, and it’s hard to stay focused with Buffy next to me with her arm around me. She’s stroking my arm and with the other, she has it rested on my thigh closest to her and she’s making tiny circles that has my whole body burning.

“Hey, Faith,” Anya says as she pokes me in the leg Buffy isn’t touching. “Are you okay? Did they rape you?”

“Anya!” Everyone in the vehicle yells at her and she shrugs them off.

“Well?”

“I’m tired and no, they didn’t rape me or do any sadistic shit.”

“Really?” Anya looks skeptical. “What did they do to you then? Just keep you tied up somewhere? Did they torture you?”

“Anya, stop,” Buffy snaps at her. “You say one more word, and I’ll hurt you.”

“Buffy,” Xander says lowly as he turns around in the front seat to look back at her. “You know she doesn’t mean anything by that. She just wants to know what happened to her. We all do.”

“And we will figure it out as soon as we get her home and she rests for the night,” Buffy counters and she plants a soft kiss on my temple. “Don’t worry, baby, you don’t have to talk about what happened until you’re ready to, okay?”

“We’re not taking you home,” Giles says as he makes a hard right at the intersection. “There are a few pressing matters we need to attend to first and foremost. We need to find out what happened in the last week. There are a lot of questions we need answered.”

“You can’t wait one night, Giles?” Buffy asks and I look at her to see her glaring at him even though he can’t see her. “She’s been gone for a week and been through who knows what and you can’t even give her one night to rest?”

“B, it’s okay,” I whisper and she looks over at me quickly. “It’s okay. They wanna know and I’ll tell them all that I can. And then we can go home, okay?”

“No! Not okay! Giles, turn around and take us home!” Buffy says firmly and loudly and Giles slams on the breaks. I can hear Dawn giggling behind me, over what I’m not sure.

“Take them home, Jeeves,” Dawn snickers and that makes me burst out laughing. Now I get it.

I’m trying not to panic with the way Buffy is being with me. Affectionate and loving and none of the others have even said a word about the way she’s acting. When Giles pulls up to a row of townhouses just a few blocks away from Revello Drive, I don’t even know what to think. There’s a Harley parked in the driveway and next to it is a cute little red sports car I could’ve sworn was almost the same car that Giles had before.

“When you are ready to talk, Faith, you know how to reach me,” Giles says, offering a smile before Buffy helps me out of the back seat. “And for heaven’s sake, call your mother right away. She’s worried about you.”

I nod my head and let Buffy lead the way up to the front door. She pulls out a set of keys from her jacket pocket and unlocks the door.

“We’re home?” I ask her as I raise an eyebrow, moving away from her and stepping inside on my own.

“Yes, we’re home,” Buffy replies and she flips on the lights in the front hallway. “Home sweet home, at least it has been for the last year.”

We’re living together? I shake my head and slowly walk into the first room to the right. It’s a living room with a big screen TV and what looks like the most comfortable leather couch I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Buffy moves to stand in front of me before I can walk into the room any further and she wraps her arms around me, smiling sweetly at me as I slowly wrap my arms around her and hold her close.

“No shoes in the living room. You know that,” she whispers as she moves us back out into the hallway. “You really should go have a shower. Or would you rather me run you a nice hot bath and join you?”

She doesn’t give me a chance to respond. Her lips are on mine and she’s kissing me deeply. She moans as my hands slip down to her ass. She pulls away, pouting a little and I’m left standing here all confused about what the hell is going on here. Buffy kneels down on the ground in front of me and unties my boots, slowly helping me get them off.

“Um, shower first. Definitely,” she mutters as she wrinkles her nose. She opens the front door and tosses my boots out on the front porch.

“Can’t be that bad,” I chuckle as she slams the front door shut.

“Oh it’s bad, Faith. Come on,” she says as she puts an arm around me and leads me up the stairs. “Do you need any help in the shower, baby?”

“I’m sure I can manage on my own all right, B.”

“If I’m being clingy right now, I’m sorry,” she says softly as she leads the way into a huge bedroom and over to the door to the bathroom. “It’s just that we haven’t spent more than two days apart in the last two years. I thought they killed you, Faith.”

Two years? Us? Seriously? I want to ask her more about how that happened, but I don’t and keep my mouth shut. The less I say right now the better. Don’t know how Buffy will react or what she’ll think if I start asking all these questions about things I obviously should know.

Buffy disappears into the bathroom and I look around the bedroom. The bed is huge with crisp white sheets and duvet with about twenty pillows of all shapes and sizes. There are pictures on each bedside table and more on the long dresser. I hear her fumbling with something in the bathroom and I try to peel off my clothes I’ve been wearing for a week.

And that’s when I see the ring on my finger. A simple silver band on my left ring finger. How the hell have I not noticed this until now? I know it’s not even legal for two chicks to get married, but how did this even happen? I’ve never been the committed relationship type in my life and the last person I ever expected to go down that road with is Buffy Summers.

Looks like Roman and Olivia’s little experiment really did work, or this is just another one and it’s fucking with my head big time. Whatever it is, there are a lot of things I need to figure out the answers to and fast. It’s like I’m living an entirely different life now and everything feels so strange and foreign.

I manage to get out of my dirty clothes with a little bit of effort and I walk into the bathroom, already starting to feel like my energy is slowly coming back. I catch my reflection in the mirror and I’m a complete mess. My hair is one big rats nest, the bags under my eyes are worse than my mother’s used to be and my skin is paler than it usually is. I look like I’m sick and dying.

“Water is just right,” Buffy says, smiling as she turns to look at me. “Are you sure you don’t want me to join you, baby?”

“I’m sure,” I manage to squeak out, but Buffy just shakes her head and strips out of her clothes quickly.

I can’t help myself and I just let my eyes roam all over her body.  She winks as she takes my hand and leads me into the large shower stall. I got a feeling this shower is gonna use up all the hot water in the house.

The shower is pretty fancy, two shower heads and enough room for both of us to move without bumping into each other. Buffy gives me some space to wash up and I wince as I run my fingers over the bruises on my arms where the chains were wrapped around. Even my chest and stomach have bruises in shape of the chains. A nice long sleep and some food and slayer healing will kick in and they’ll be gone by the morning.

As I lather the shampoo in my hair, I watch Buffy as she stands under the hot spray of water with her eyes closed and a small smile curled over her lips. Fuck, she’s so sexy. Just wish I had a little more energy right now ‘cause all I wanna do is fucking ravish her until she begs me to stop. She runs her hands through her wet hair, I spot a matching silver band on her left ring finger, and panic stirs up inside of me.

How serious is our relationship? Did everything change so much that the laws changed as well and we’re really fucking married? I shake my head and rinse the shampoo from my hair. When I open my eyes, Buffy is standing just a few inches in front of me and she’s smiling.

“Hey,” I nod my head at her as I reach for the conditioner bottle. “See something you like, B?”

“Oh I do,” she replies in a low, husky voice that sends chills down my spine. The good kind of chills.

“B, remind me of how we started dating?” I ask nervously, wondering if she’ll be angry that I can’t remember. She just laughs and wraps her arms around my waist. “Just want to hear your side of things again, that’s all.”

“The summer after I graduated, we patrolled together every night. One night we were walking through Restfield, it was a slow night and warm too. We were talking about boys and you kept asking me why I hadn’t dated anyone since we met. I don’t know how it happened or why, but you kissed me right in the middle of me trying to explain why I wasn’t dating anyone.”

“Yeah? And then what happened, B?”

“You know what happened,” she laughs. “You took me back to the motel you and your mother were still staying in. She was working nights that day and we spent the whole night making out on your bed and were caught by your mother when she came home from work an hour early. I still have a hard time looking at her. I mean she did catch us practically naked with your hand in my panties and your fingers inside me.”

I smirk at that. What I wouldn’t give to have that memory burned in my mind.

“Are you okay, Faith?”

“Fine, B,” I say with a small smile. “Just tired. Besides, I like that story when you tell it.”

I feel her fingers stroking my skin just above my hips. It feels so good just feeling her touch me like this. But I’m too exhausted to do anything about it and I step under the water to rinse the conditioner from my hair. Buffy steps out of the shower first while I turn off the water. She waiting for me with an open towel, a matching one already wrapped around her body.

“Go lay down for a little while, baby. I’ll order us something to eat,” she says as she takes my hand and leads the way back into the bedroom. She lets go of my hand, pulls just about all the pillows off the bed, and pulls back the duvet. “What do you feel like?”

“Whatever you want, B. Doesn’t matter. I’ll eat anything right now.”

“Okay,” she smirks and she picks up the phone on the bedside table. “Call your mother. She’s been worried sick about you.”

I nod my head as I take the phone from her. I watch her as she lets the towel fall to the floor and slips on a white robe. She looks at me as she picks the towel up from the floor and uses it to dry her hair a little. I smile at her and she winks before she walks out of the bedroom.

I sit down on the edge of the bed and sigh heavily. This is becoming a little too much for me to process right now. It’s a completely different world, at least a different life for me. How the hell am I gonna adjust to this without anyone else, especially Buffy, figuring it out? I go through the address book on the phone and find “Chris”, my mother, and hit dial.

The phone rings and rings until it’s finally picked up, but it’s not my mother on the other line.

 _“Hello?”_ A man asks and I don’t know what to say. _“Buffy? Is that you?”_

“It’s Faith,” I utter in reply.

 _“Chris, it’s Faith!”_ He shouts and I lay back on the bed, my eyes feeling heavy as the exhaustion starts to kick in full blown.

I hear my mother talking frantically in the background and a crashing noise before she grabs the phone out of this mystery man’s hand.

_“Faith? Is that you? Are you all right, honey? Did they hurt you?”_

“Ma, I’m fine,” I say evenly.

_“We were all so worried about you! Buffy looked for you every single day and not once did she find you. Was it her who found you or did you manage to escape?”_

There are just too many questions all at once and it’s making the room spin around me. I close my eyes and breathe in and out slowly, trying to get the swirling to stop.

“Buffy found me,” I say after a minute and I hear a huge sigh of relief on the other end. “I’m just really tired right now, Ma. Thought I’d let you know I’m five by five.”

She goes off, rambling on and on about how worried she was and how careless I was for allowing myself to be taken in the first place. I keep my eyes closed and try not to drift off to sleep as I try to listen to her. I feel Buffy take the phone from me, yet I can’t even open my eyes to look up at her. I hear her tell my mother I’m too tired to talk and that I need my rest. She’s quiet for a few minutes before she starts to convince my mother that she doesn’t need to come over tonight and that I’ll be perfectly fine and back to normal tomorrow morning.

“Thanks,” I whisper as I feel her lay down in bed next to me once she’s hung up the phone.

“She’s coming over,” Buffy says, sighing heavily as she wraps an arm around my stomach. “Couldn’t talk her out of it. You know how she is. You two are so much alike it’s not even funny. Both so very stubborn.”

I chuckle softly and barely manage to open my eyes to look over at her. “Did you order some food?”

“Pizza will be here in half an hour. We better get dressed before your mother and Jason show up.”

“Who is Jason?”

Buffy sits up and raises an eyebrow at me. “Jason, your mother’s fiancé? Faith, are you sure you’re all right?”

“I don’t know,” I shrug and I have to figure out how to cover it up and fast. “Whatever they did to me, it’s making me forget a lot of things right now.”

“Things like what?”

“Everything,” I whisper. I stare up at her and wonder if she’s buying this. I can’t tell if she is or not and I ain’t so sure that’s a good thing. I just watch her as she gets off the bed and walks over to the closet. “B?”

“Maybe Giles was right about talking about what happened this week,” she says as she keeps her back to me. “What _do_ you remember?”

“I know who I am, who you are, who everyone else is, but I don’t remember this house or anything like that,” I reply honestly.

“God,” she sighs under her breath and disappears into the closet, emerging a few minutes later dressed in a pair of sweats and a white tank. She’s holding another pair of sweatpants and a black tank and she places them on the bed next to me. “Tell me what happened to you, Faith. Talk to me, baby, please.”

She helps me dry off and get dressed. I lay back down on the bed and close my eyes, fighting off the urge to fall asleep and avoid telling her everything that had happened. But I know I can’t avoid it. Not now after I’ve let it slip I don’t remember anything because I wasn’t here to experience it all for myself.

“Can you get me a beer?” I ask her when I finally manage to open my eyes.

“You don’t drink, Faith. Not ever.”

“No? Shit,” I groan and I sit up on the bed slowly. “I don’t know if you’ll believe anything I’m about to tell you, B, and it’s a long story so bear with me here.”

She sits across from me on the bed and holds both my hands in hers. I take a few deep breaths before I start with what happened when I first woke up chained to that chair. As I tell her the story of what happened, what Roman and Olivia injected me with and what happened to me while I was on the drug, she lets go of my hands and moves back at little as shock and anger flash in her eyes before the tears start to fall.

I told her everything after and the way life had been before I went through that mind-fuck of an experiment no thanks for Roman and Olivia. I told her of all the mistakes I made, the kind of person I used to be, the things I did to her and her friends before I went to prison for killing two innocent men. I told her how she died fighting Glory and that’s when she stopped me from going on any further.

“Faith, I didn’t die.”

“You did,” I say softly. “Gunn broke me outta jail so I could come back here. Sunnydale needed a slayer and I was the only one left after you died, B.”

“No.”

She either doesn’t believe me or doesn’t want to. I continue on anyway, telling her all that I can about life in Sunnydale with her dead and gone and how it was when her friends had brought her back to life. I stop talking for a few minutes, wondering if I should tell her what had been going on between the two of us before Roman and Olivia kidnapped me. I’ve told her everything else, but I’m not sure she’d want to hear how she was using me ‘cause she was fucked up and needed to feel something other than feeling numb and angry all the damn time.

“This is crazy,” Buffy mutters and she gets up off the bed. She starts to pace around the room, looking over at me every couple of steps before looking away. “How is this even possible, Faith?”

“Fuck if I know, B. How do you think I’m feeling right now? I’m fucking confused to shit and wondering how this is even possible! There is no way to change the past, I know ‘cause I spent a year in prison wondering how to do just that. Even Angel told me you can’t change the past, but you can change your future.”

“Angel told you?” Buffy bursts out laughing. “How could Angel tell you anything? How do you even know who he is? He was _dead_ before you even came here!”

“He’s dead?”

“I killed him,” Buffy says as she calms down and lowers her eyes to the floor. “I sent him to hell and he’s never coming back.”

“And Spike?”

Buffy pales and she looks back up at me. “You know what happened to Spike? He saved Dawn, he saved all of us when Glory opened that portal. He jumped in to close it, not even knowing if it would work since he wasn’t human. We don’t ever talk about it. Ever. You hear me, Faith? Don’t talk about Angel or Spike ever again.”

“B?” I call out as she storms out of the bedroom. “Jesus,” I groan and I get out of bed and follow her downstairs. “Buffy, I’m sorry, okay? I told you it’s all different now. How am I supposed to know these things? It’s not like Roman or Olivia cooked up a batch of some magical drug that’d give me all the memories I’m supposed to have here.”

“I have a question for you, Faith,” Buffy snaps as she backs me up against the wall by the stairs. “If you knew what Olivia and Roman were planning all along and if you changed the past, why didn’t you stop them from ever coming here in the first place? Why didn’t you stop Glory from doing what she did to all of us?”

“I would’ve if I could’ve, B, but it’s not like I had a choice in where I was being sent back.”

“I’m calling Giles,” she says as she storms off into the kitchen.

I walk into the living room and lay down on the couch. I was right before. It is one helluva comfortable couch. I hear Buffy yelling into the phone at Giles, telling him everything I just told her. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer and I give in to the pull of sleep.

I have a feeling that no matter what I’ve just been through, now that the word is out, it’s gonna be one helluva long night.

I’m just hoping we’ll be able to find some answers that make even just a shred of sense.


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

** Chapter Twenty-One **

 

I’m not too surprised to be handcuffed and tied to a metal lawn chair Buffy brought in from the back patio. Soon as Giles showed up, he ordered her to do just that and just like the good little slayer she is, she obeyed him without a second thought.

At least Giles showed up before my mother did and he stopped her from coming into the house. She screamed at him for a little while outside before he managed to convince her that everything would be all right and that he’d get to the bottom of things before the morning. He told her I was unstable. Dangerous. I hear her call him a liar before she left.

That was over half an hour ago and I’m sitting here watching Buffy pace around the living room while Giles sits on the couch and stares at me curiously. Nobody has said a word and I’ve got to admit it’s freaking me out a little bit. I can’t figure out if they believe me or if they think I’ve lost my mind or that I’m not really Faith and that maybe I’m some doppelganger that came from some other dimension and replaced the real Faith. No matter what they’re thinking, obviously they don’t trust me if they had to handcuff and tie me to this uncomfortable, ugly ass chair.

“Are you willing to answer some questions, Faith?” Giles finally breaks the silence and I nod my head a little. “Just what did they tell you before injecting you with this drug?”

“That I was a part of an experiment and once they figured out it worked, Olivia told me they were using me to restore the natural order of life or some shit like that.”

“Interesting,” Giles mutters as he opens up a notepad and writes in it quickly. “This drug they gave you, they didn’t happen to mention how they got their hands on it, did they?”

“No. Roman didn’t say much of anything to me. Olivia did though and I ain’t so sure why.”

I can smell the pizza Buffy had ordered that arrived just before Giles did. It’s sitting forgotten in the kitchen and the smell of it is making my stomach rumble. It’s bordering painful here. What’s a girl gotta do to get fed around here? Should’ve just kept my mouth shut until after I ate something at least.

“You say you were sent back to specific moments in the past in order to change the events that played out?” Giles asks and I nod my head. “But you had no choice in what specific moments you were sent back to?”

“No, I was just sent there and figured out for myself on what had to be changed or whatever,” I reply with a shrug. “Look, you guys don’t believe me and I get that. Is it really necessary to handcuff me and tie me to a fucking chair? I ain’t gonna hurt either of you, if that’s what you’re worried about here.”

“It’s not that we don’t believe you. We’re just taking some precautions,” he says calmly and he looks over at Buffy and she immediately stops pacing. “Buffy, can I have a moment alone with Faith?”

“Are you crazy?”

“Perhaps,” he chuckles, “but there are some things I need to speak with her about alone.”

Buffy hesitates for a moment before she leaves us alone in the living room. I try to shift in the chair, but Buffy tied the rope so tight I can barely even breathe much less move.

“I must admit that I do fully believe you, but I’m not positive that Buffy does,” he says and I cock my head to the side and just stare at him. “To put it simply, there are certain instances where I know things had changed and even though I wasn’t fully aware of those changes, it all makes sense now after hearing what you’d just gone through.”

“So this time travel shit, it’s real?”

“Through magic, very powerful magic, it is speculated to be. Yet, it is completely unheard of than any being on this earth has that power in them to produce something such as that. We know nothing of the one who calls herself Mother and we know very little of the Immortal. Because of our lack of knowledge on both of them, I’m afraid we’ve underestimated their power. For this to happen now is alarming. I’m beginning to believe that they chose the right moment to change the past to work in their favour. Whatever it is they have planned, we won’t be able to see it coming now.”

“They’re working for the First.”

“Impossible,” Giles quickly disagrees. “We already know that the First is involved. As for the matter of whom is working for whom, we believe the First is working for the Mother, for she is the one who created every creature on this earth that is not human, or so the tale speculates. As for the Immortal, he is working for the First, but only by the bidding of the Mother, who controls him as she controls all the other inhuman creatures in our world.”

“So you believe me?” I ask him, just to be clear. He nods his head and smiles sincerely. “All this was done to work in their favour? How?”

“I have absolutely no idea, but I have ways in finding out although those ways may take far too long and give them the opportunity to do whatever it is they have planned. Buffy has spoken with me about having prophetic dreams as of late. Have you had any yourself?”

“G, I ain’t slept in a week and can’t remember any dreams from before that.”

“I’ll take that as a no then,” he says with a slight chuckle. “As for the dreams Buffy has been having, it involves something neither of you are prepared to take on yourselves. It could happen tomorrow, it could happen next month or next year. We’re not entirely positive.”

“What could happen?”

“The First Evil is trying to rise, to become corporeal and resume its previous position here on earth. It is something that has never come to pass and for good reason. The First Evil comes to our earth as a corporeal form, and humanity is lost. We have no chance at surviving the world as it changes into its personal haven full of chaos and death.”

“Great. So, what’s the game plan then?”

“Uh,” Giles stammers as he removes his glasses and looks at me. “There is no plan per se and unfortunately there won’t be until we’ve uncovered as many facts as we can about the Mother, the Immortal, and the First Evil.”

“So, what do we do until then? Ya gonna keep me bound to a chair or what?”

“Er, no,” he says quickly. He clears his throat as he rises from the couch. “You do understand why you’re bound at the moment, right?”

“Bit yeah, but I just spent the better part of the last week chained to a fucking chair, Giles!”

“I am unfortunately the only one with vague memories of events that involve you that are perceived to have never happened. I do know you are emotionally unstable and borderline dangerous no matter how much you preach to have changed.”

“That’s such bullshit!”

Buffy is back in the room in an instant and she’s staring right at me while holding a long kitchen knife. I roll my eyes as she walks over to Giles and whispers something in his ear I can’t quite make out.

“You cannot keep her here, Buffy. This is not the same Faith as she was a week ago. This is not _your_ wife, not in the subconscious sense.”

“Wife?!” I yell and Buffy shoots me the dirtiest look and it makes me shut up. Damn. Talk about being whipped. Didn’t know I had it in me. I chuckle at that and Buffy walks right over to me and slices the rope off with the knife. “Jesus, I thought you were gonna kill me.”

“Despite who you are, Faith, the last thing I want to do is kill you,” she replies calmly and she walks about to the back of the chair and unlocks the handcuffs. “And Giles? She’s staying here where I can keep an eye on her. If she tries anything, none of you will be able to stop her before things get out of hand. At least I will be able to.”

“I forbid you to keep her here with you alone until we know all of the facts!”

“You can’t forbid me to do anything, Giles! This is my _wife_ who I only married three weeks ago. This is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives, but no, of course it’s not! We never even got to go on our honeymoon yet!”

I smirk as I cross my arms over my chest. Giles is flustered and Buffy is royally pissed off. As much as the wife thing should scare the hell out of me, it doesn’t. I have too much other shit on my mind to be scared over the highest level of commitment I never thought was possible for me to be in. ever. Especially not with Buffy.

“Get out of my house,” Buffy growls at Giles as she pushes him towards the front door. “Now.”

“Buffy I--”

“Go!” She yells and he turns and walks out the front door. Buffy slams it behind him and locks it. I see her shaking a little before she takes a few deep breaths and turns around.

“B--”

“Why didn’t you say something before?” Buffy snaps as she walks right over to me and grabs my shoulders. She yanks me up from the chair and I try to steady myself on my feet. “God, I feel so stupid. I should’ve realized there was something different about you!”

“B, please calm down,” I say softly. “It doesn’t have to change anything.”

“Of course it does! You might be Faith, but you’re not the one I fell in love with and married.”

Ouch. Guess I deserve that since it’s true.

Buffy’s crying now and I don’t know whether to give her some space or wrap my arms around her and let her cry in my arms. Doubt she’d let me do that anyway at this point so I just step back a few steps. She reaches out and slaps me hard across the face and I’m left standing there stunned as she walks out of the living room.

“I’m an idiot,” I say to her once I find her in the kitchen. “I shouldn’t have gone along with everything and let you think I was _her_.”

“You are her,” she whispers as she leans against the sink with her back to me. “I feel it even now, that connection we’ve always shared, the one that brought us together as you said once. Whenever I’m around you, all I can feel is you.”

“It’s like a full body buzz, right?”

Buffy nods her head, but doesn’t turn around. “It’s the greatest feeling in the world to me, Faith. I’ve missed it more than I can even admit. It’s why I thought you’d lost your mind when you started telling me the things that had happened to you.”

“B--”

“I don’t want the others to know what you told me,” she says as she turns around. “It’s better that they never find out. Giles agrees with me on that so at least we can trust him not to say a word.”

“Where does that leave us?”

“I don’t know,” she frowns and I take a step towards her. “I’m so in love with you, Faith. You’ve made me so happy the past two years and to feel like that’s all going to change is killing me right now.”

“Told ya, B, it doesn’t have to change anything. I can try to be the one you fell in love with,” I say, offering her a small smile even though I know I sure as hell ain’t gonna be able to pull this off.

“Try?”

“I ain’t nothing like the one you’re in love with. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life I can’t just forget, even if I have changed the past. Those kinds of things just don’t go away. Always right there with you even if you don’t notice it. I can’t promise you that I won’t fuck up from time to time, ‘cause I will.”

I’m starting to wonder if things would’ve been better off unchanged. Or even forgotten. Maybe even having me forget what had happened before, to forget who I used to be and how I used to view the rest of the world. I want to kill Roman and Olivia for putting me through this, for making me change my life and end up here and now, with everything I ever wanted and more and I can’t even fucking enjoy it!

“Look, before with you and me? We were never really friends ‘cause of a lot of shit that went down that was pretty much all my fault. This whole thing gave me another chance and knowing what I have with you now after always thinking it was entirely impossible, I don’t want to go back to where we were before.”

“Faith, I could never hate you.”

“You did, well you did before but you don’t quite remember. God, this is so fucking confusing!”

“Baby,” she sighs as she wraps her arms around me for a split second before she remembers what’s really going on and backs away. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” I smile a little. “I kinda like this side of you. I can safely say it’s a side I’ve never seen before.”

Whatever it is I just said to her set her off. She starts to cry again and turns her back to me. I curse in my head and wrap my arms around her from behind. She struggles against me but doesn’t put up much of a fight.

“Look, I know this is hard for you, Buffy. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t even know where to start,” I say softly. “Doubt we can get things to change back to where they were. Always thought that time-traveling and changing the past was just fiction. Never thought it was possible, you know? But there are certain laws of physics at work here and I know that even if we tried, we can’t bring back the way life once was. It just doesn’t work that way. You can change it but you can’t change it back to where it was originally. Something always ends up being different.”

Damn, who knew reading all those comics and sci-fi novels growing up and in prison would come in handy. Just hope to hell that all those writers weren’t just pulling these “facts” out of their asses.

“I know. Giles covered this before,” she says as she turns to look at me. “I just don’t know how to believe any of this.”

“Me neither. I’m still thinking maybe they shot me up with another dose of that shit and this ain’t actually happening. Their plan was to get me out of the way and it looks like it’s working.”

“Don’t say that,” Buffy sighs softly. “This is real, Faith.”

“Hallucinations always feel real until you wake up and realize it was just a figment of your imagination.”

“Maybe you just need to get some sleep?” Buffy offers and I shrug and let go of her. I move to the pizza box and pick up a slice. It’s cold, but I don’t care. I’m too hungry right now.

“Maybe,” I mutter between bites. I grab another slice before I head into the living room, fully intending to sleep on the couch since I’m sure that’s where she wants me and not in her bed. Buffy follows me and she stands there with her hands on her hips as I sit down on the couch. “What?”

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Gonna crash right here.”

“No, you’re not. We made a deal when we moved in together. None of us ever sleeps on the couch even if we’re pissed off and not speaking to each other. I don’t care if you don’t remember that, but a deal is a deal, Faith.”

Looks like Buffy still has that bossy streak in her. Guess some things never change.

There are a lot of things I wanna say back to her, but I keep my mouth shut. I head upstairs and crawl into bed still wearing my clothes. Don’t know or care what side she sleeps on since as soon as my head hits the soft, fluffy pillow I’m out.

****

I keep waking up every couple of hours, mostly since I expect to wake up still chained to the chair with Olivia or Roman waiting to inject me again. But every time I open my eyes, I’m in bed with Buffy sleeping soundly next to me. the fifth time I wake up, I know I’ve slept longer than I had all night, but something is different and it’s the fact that I got Buffy curled up next to me with her head resting on my chest and her hand resting on my stomach.

I manage to slip out from under her and I head down to the kitchen in the dark house slowly and quietly. I turn on the light above the stove and I search through the fridge for something to drink. Beer, even wine, but there’s nothing in there. Nothing but healthy food and a few take-out containers.

I search through the cupboards. There’s gotta be at least one bottle of booze in here for special occasions or some shit. I find a pack of cigarettes and taped to it is a note in my handwriting. Well, it’s not so much a note but a date and it just so happens to be Buffy’s birthday of last year. I shrug, tear off the note and open the pack of cigarettes. I search around for a lighter and the best I can find is a box of matches in one of the drawers. I head out the back door and light one, inhaling deeply and nearly coughing out a lung as the smoke hits my apparently born-again virgin lungs hard.

“Fuck,” I hiss under my breath as I try to recover.

“I knew it wouldn’t be much longer until you came out,” Olivia says as she steps out from behind the tree closest to the porch.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Checking in on you,” she replies with a smile. “How are you settling in to your new life, Faith?”

“You really fucked up, you know that, Liv?”

“Did I? Things not going well for you here? Let me guess, you told her everything? Typical,” she laughs as she steps forward. “Can I have one?”

I shrug as I hand the pack over to her. She pulls one out and lights it with a gold Zippo. “So this is real then?” I ask her. “Or is this just another one of your little experiments, Liv?”

“It’s real,” she replies casually. “But it didn’t quite work out as well as we had planned.”

“Oh no?” I smirk as I move to sit down on the steps leading down to the grass. “How come?”

“You weren’t supposed to remember anything that happened. Something must have gone wrong.”

“No shit,” I laugh and she moves to sit next to me. I want to shove her away but I let her sit down. Aside from her pumping me full of that mystical drug, she really hasn’t physically hurt me. Yet. “What gives?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why do you care so much if I changed anything in my life and don’t give me the same bullshit answer you gave me before.”

“It’s not a bullshit answer, Faith. Be lucky I even told you anything. Roman said it would be a bad idea if I said anything. It wasn’t part of the plan, but what can I say? I don’t listen to anyone but myself.”

“How long have you been following me?”

“A long time, longer than you even realize.”

I shake my head and take a small drag, inhaling slowly and feeling the smoke burn my lungs in a way that makes me want to puke. “Why me?”

“I’ve told you already.”

“I know, but I just don’t fucking get why,” I snap at her and I shake my head hard. “How is me having what seems like the perfect fucking life help you and your little lap dog?”

“You weren’t supposed to remember,” she mumbles under her breath. “Honestly, Faith, it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.”

“Why should I even believe you? You’re the reason everything is so fucked up right now!”

“Everything would’ve ended up a lot worse and we can’t have that. If that happens, things won’t work out in our favour and I always get what I want. It’s just too bad I had to wait so long to make it happen.”

“You talking about an apocalypse here, Liv?”

“Not just any, _the_ apocalypse. The First will rise and there will be nothing any of you can do to stop it. By doing this to you, we’ve changed many course of events that have made it nearly impossible for it to happen. But now, all thanks to you, Faithy, it’s going to happen a lot sooner than we planned.”

I laugh and flick my cigarette to the ground. A big bad giving me tips on the impending apocalypse we’re about to face? This just doesn’t happen. She’s fucking with my head. She’s gotta be. Unless she’s one crazy bitch and she’s telling me these things to give me a chance to stop it all.

I don’t know why I haven’t tried to fight her yet, but maybe it’s ‘cause I know she’s not on their side, but she’s not on ours either. It’s just a feeling I’m getting and can’t quite shake it off.

Olivia stands up and moves to stand in front of me. She takes a long drag of her cigarette as she stares down at me, her eyes burning into mine. I feel almost in some kind of a trance just staring back up at her and I blink a few times, suddenly worried about powers she might have--one of those being able to control my mind or some shit like that.

“Let me ask you something here, Liv,” I say as I rise to my feet slowly. “How is you telling me all this gonna help _you_ out?”

“It will,” she chuckles eerily. “No matter what you know, you cannot stop what’s about to happen.”

“We’ll figure it out. Always do,” I reply confidently and I smirk at her when she opens and closes her mouth, stammering a little as she tries to figure out some kind of a come-back. “Look, I don’t know whose side you’re on other than your own, but whatever it is that’s about to go down, better hope to hell we don’t figure out a way to end you ‘cause I’ll tell you one thing, Liv, nobody fucks with me and gets away with it, especially when they fuck with my life.”

“Is that a threat, Faith?”

“What do you think?” I snap at her and I step down the few steps until I’m standing a few mere inches in front of her. “I know you can’t fix it, but fuck with me one more time and believe me when I say I will stop at nothing to put an end to you and your pathetic excuse of a life.”

I see her trying to size me up, trying to see if I’m bluffing. I’m not and she takes a couple steps back. She laughs as she shakes her head at me. “I’ll be seeing you around, Faith, and in the meantime, why don’t you try to fit in around here and try not to give it all away. You do know that the more people who find out what happened, the better the chance you’ll end up locked up in a psych ward and that is the last thing I want to have happen. You’re no use to me locked up. I figured that out the hard way when you were in prison.”

I watch her walk through the backyard and to the back gate. She’s gone before I can say something else to her and she’s left me standing here, reeling with a million different thoughts about just what her real plans are and what I have to do with them.

I got one hell of a challenge ahead of me now. How do I fit into this projection of a perfect life when I know I’m just not built for something like this? I don’t know how to be the perfect Faith, to love Buffy the way she wants me to, to be there for her and the others in the way they’ve seen me be there for them. Not to mention my mother is here, alive and well--doing a helluva lot better than she ever has in her life.

And most importantly, how am I gonna stop Olivia and stop this very real apocalypse from happening before it falls out of our hands completely?


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

** Chapter Twenty-Two **

 

This morning was a little tense once Buffy woke up. She found me sitting in the kitchen flipping through the morning paper I picked up off the front porch. I never did go back to bed after my little run-in with Olivia. Buffy didn’t say a word to me though as she made the coffee and started to straighten up. I don’t think we said a word to each other for about three hours. There were a lot of looks exchanged and it was driving me crazy since I had no idea what the hell was going through that head of hers.

There’s one thing though and that’s the fact that I cannot imagine what she’s going through right now or what she’s feeling. I can’t expect her to talk to me. She knows I’m not the Faith she’s madly in love with and married to.

Around noon, Buffy gets a phone call from Giles and I overhear her say that things are downright weird right now between us. She’s quiet for a long time, listening to whatever Giles is saying on the other line and then I hear her tell him that we’ll be by the Magic Box soon.

Now I’m sitting here at the table alone, while Buffy and Giles are talking in the training room in the back. Anya is behind the register, busying herself by counting the money she’s made so far today. She keeps looking over at me suspiciously and when I catch her, she just smiles sweetly and goes back to counting the money. I shake my head and laugh and flip through one of the many books on the table, some of which are on other dimensions that are tied in to this one.

“Hey, Faith,” Willow says cheerfully as she and Tara come in through the front door, hand in hand. “How are you feeling today? Much better I bet?”

“Peachy, Red.”

Tara looks over at Willow with wide eyes and I shrug it off and go back to trying to read the book in front of me. I hear them whispering to each other, Tara looking a bit paranoid while Willow looks nothing but confused. There are more whispers and in an instant I find myself bound by an invisible force to the chair I’m sitting in.

“Really, guys? Don’t you think I’ve been bound to a fucking chair enough as it is?” I ask, really fucking annoyed and trying not to get too pissed off.

“You’re not Faith,” Tara says as she stares right at me. I notice it’s Willow who threw the magic-mojo at me, her eyes are darker, but not quite black. “Who are you?”

“I’m Faith,” I say evenly.

“You’re not. Your aura is different, darker. Who _are_ you?”

“Told ya, Tara, I’m Faith,” I say and Willow shakes her head and squeezes her fist in the air and I can feel the magical restraints tighten around my body. “Fucks sake, Red, what gives?”

“Answer the question,” Willow says lowly and I swear I almost hear her growl. It finally gets Anya’s attention and she moves out from behind the register and stands next to them.

“What are you guys doing to Faith?” Anya asks as she steps in front of Willow and almost immediately I feel the restraints loosening. “Willow?”

“It’s not Faith,” Tara says and Anya just bursts out laughing.

“Are you smoking your herbs again?” She laughs and she turns to look back at me and snaps her fingers and immediately I’m free of the invisible restraints Willow put on me. “Of course that’s Faith.”

“Look a little closer, Anya,” Tara replies and Anya looks at me long and hard. “Her aura is different. It’s darker. Don’t you see? It’s not her. It’s just _something_ that looks like her.”

“Well, it’s not a demon,” Anya says and I’m up on my feet before one of them can use their freaky witch-mojo on me again. “If it was a demon, I would’ve sensed it the second she walked in the door. It’s Faith. She came here with Buffy. They were acting all lovey-dovey as usual.”

I raise an eyebrow at that. We weren’t. Sure Buffy walked in holding on to my hand, but it was more to make sure I didn’t make a run for it I’m sure. Willow sure doesn’t believe Anya and she waves her hand at me and sends me flying back into the bookcase behind me. Giles runs out at the sound of the commotion and he’s at my side, helping me to my feet.

“What on earth is going on out here?” He demands as she looks over at the others. “Have you forgotten the one simple rule I’ve made? No magic while you’re in the shop. Faith, are you all right?” He asks and I nod my head a little as I straighten out my clothes. “Will someone explain what is going on?”

“That’s not Faith, Giles!” Willow says angrily. “How can you not tell that it’s not her?”

“I assure you that this is Faith,” he replies and he points to the chair I was sitting in and I sit back down. “If you will all calm down, I will explain everything.”

“Where’s Buffy?” Willow demands as she stays where she is and places her hands on her hips. “She should be here. She should know better than any of us that this is not Faith.”

“I’ve sent her to retrieve a few things from my flat. Now would you please just calm down, shut up and sit down while I explain a few things to you?”

Willow grumbles under her breath as she, Tara, and Anya take a seat at the table across from me. With three pairs of eyes staring down at me, I suddenly feel very nervous. I know how powerful Willow is, but I’m getting this feeling things are a lot different now and she’s likely a helluva lot more powerful than ever before.

I’m gonna bet anything that the whole idea of not telling the others is about to go to shit. Buffy ain’t gonna be happy about it, but it’s not like it can be helped.

I cross my arms over my chest and stare right back at the three of them. Giles sits next to me and removes his glasses. He pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a few deep breaths. I can tell he’s trying to figure out the best way to tell them just what the hell is going on here. There really is no “best” way and even I know that.

Giles begins to tell them what has happened and none of them says a word, they just alternate between looking at him and back at me. He tells them all he knows about the coming apocalypse, about the plans that Olivia and Roman had right from the beginning and how all these events in my life has altered the course of the future, the natural order of life. When he starts to tell them about the magical drug I was given by Olivia and Roman, I can tell the three of them are starting to doubt everything he’s saying, well, Anya isn’t since she’s got this “I knew it” look on her face.

Every time Willow or Tara tries to interrupt, Giles puts a stop to it and he continues on, telling them everything that he knows from what I’ve told him last night. When he tells them of the changes he noticed over the years, the little details that happened without anyone noticing too much how drastically different things were becoming, Willow gets out of her chair and she’s angry.

“This is such a lie, Giles!” She yells at him. “Don’t you see that whatever this is, it’s not Faith and it’s trying to mess with our heads, feeding you lies and making you believe things that just aren’t possible!”

“It’s possible,” Anya interjects before Giles can say a word. “I’ve heard of the Mother and how powerful she is. I wasn’t even aware her power could work outside of her own dimension.”

“Anya, why haven’t you said anything to us before?” Willow snaps at her. “We could’ve known about this before it even happened! We could’ve been prepared for this!”

“Even if I said anything, you wouldn’t have believed me just like you don’t believe a word Giles is saying right now. You are just a child,” she says as she points to Willow and glares at her. “You have absolutely no idea what lies beyond this dimension, the power others wield and the things that are so very possible.”

“Like a magical time-travelling drug?” I mutter and Anya just nods her head. “You know about this thing?”

“I do,” she replies and Willow sits back down next to Tara, looking a bit worse for the wear. “It hasn’t been used much before and the way it has been used hasn’t been on something of this scale. Normally, from what I’ve heard over the years, it’s been used to prevent certain beings from coming here, from taking over a certain dimension, things like that. It’s never been used on a human being before and for a good reason. Nobody knew if it’d work the way it does on those that aren’t human. Faith wasn’t supposed to remember anything.”

“That’s what she said,” I say under my breath and they all look right over at me.

“She?” Giles asks and I nod my head slowly.

“Olivia came around early this morning to check in on me and she told me a few things,” I reply and Giles groans as he shakes his head, likely pissed I hadn’t said anything to him about this before. “One of the things she told me was what Anya just said. I wasn’t supposed to remember anything.”

“And the other things she told you?” Giles asks. “Faith, it’s important you tell us what she said to you.”

“We can’t stop what’s about to happen or what’s coming. She told me that ‘cause of me, ‘cause of the changes I made when they shot me full of that drug a couple times, that what was once impossible is now very possible and that it’ll happen a lot sooner than we think. We ain’t dealing with any old apocalypse here, guys. She told me it is _the_ apocalypse.”

“And you believe her?” Willow asks and I nod my head. “Why?”

“She hasn’t lied to me yet,” I reply with a shrug. “Don’t know what else to believe. If anything she’s been the only one who has been honest with me right from the get go. She’s never tried to hurt me. She just used me to change things to work in her favour. Do you realize that she could’ve killed me in an instant? And yet she never once tried to hurt me or kill me.”

“And how do we kill her?” Willow asks, looking over at Giles. He just shrugs and she turns to Anya. “There has to be a way,” she says and Anya shakes her head no.

“She can’t be killed or harmed. She’s impervious that way.”

“Then what can we do to stop her?”

“We can’t,” Anya says, frowning as she stands up. “Nothing we can do can stop her. She’s created all inhuman beings, but she didn’t create magic or evil. The First did, but she’s the one who created it in the first place, yet now she has no control over what it plans to do. She can only aid it in getting what it wants and that is to become corporeal and take over our world and put an end to humanity as we know it.”

“So, aside from all this apocalypse stuff,” Willow says as she stares at me and scrunches her eyebrows, “this is really Faith?”

“That is what I have been trying to say before,” Giles replies, clearly annoyed. “This is really Faith, but she’s different than the one we know. She’s still her, through and through, but without any of the memories from this version of her reality.”

I close my eyes and rub my temples. All of this is giving me a damn headache. Now I see why Buffy didn’t want anyone else to know about what had happened. It’s not just ‘cause nobody would believe it entirely, but it’s ‘cause of the never-ending questions that would follow and the major lack of finding out the answers to those questions.

I get up and head to the bathroom while Willow and Tara bombard Giles and Anya with questions about Olivia and the type of powers she has. I feel sick as I shut the door behind me. I splash some cold water on my face and take a few deep breaths before I lift my head and stare at myself in the mirror.

Everything is so different and I should be thankful for that, but I’m not. Not at all. I want my life back, not this one. I can deal with a lot of things, but this is one of those things I’m not so sure I can get through easily like anything else. I wipe away the tears as they begin to fall and turn the tap back on, splashing more water on my face to hide the tears that just won’t stop falling.

I can hear the others talking through the door and I try to shut their voices out. Willow and Tara are still unconvinced with everything that was just revealed. At least Anya believes it, that should count for something, right? I shake my head and turn off the tap and just let the tears fall. I don’t even care anymore.

“Faith?” I hear Buffy’s voice as she knocks on the door. “Can you let me in?”

“Go away, B.”

“No, unlock the door and let me in,” she says as she tries to turn the doorknob. “Please, Faith? Let me in. I want to talk to you.”

I sigh heavily and unlock the door and she steps in, quickly shutting the door behind her and locking it again. “What, B?” I ask tiredly as I don’t even bother wiping away my tears. “I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. Just leave me alone.”

“No,” she frowns as she wraps her arms around me. “I’m not going to leave you alone, Faith. The last thing I ever want to do is leave you alone when you’re going through so much right now. You need to know that I’m here for you, baby.”

“Stop,” I say as I step away from her, but the small bathroom doesn’t let me put too much space in between us. “Just fucking stop it, B. I’m not your goddamn wife! You know that something like this, what we have here, it would’ve never fucking happened! You hated me and before you say you could never hate me, I know that’s the biggest fucking lie I’ve ever heard. You barely tolerated me, even after your friends brought you back to life. You fucking _used_ me to feel something normal again, let me believe there was something more there, but I’m not fucking stupid.”

“Faith,” she says softly as she steps up to me again, clearly ignoring everything I’ve just said. “I believe everything you say has happened and yes, I even believe that I did hate you. Giles told me things earlier that are starting to make a whole lot of sense right now. I remember those little changes, the way life turned around on a dime and how we all just carried on, never noticing a single thing and all because we weren’t supposed to see it or remember it, but I do now. I remember everything, Faith.”

“Everything?”

“It feels like some kind of dream, but I remember the things you did, the way life had been without you there, the night I died and went to heaven and everything else. All those memories I shouldn’t have, they came back to me once Giles cast that spell on me.”

“What?”

“We didn’t just talk the whole time I was in the back with him, Faith. He had to use magic to help me see the things I’m not supposed to even know about. But,” she says and she takes a deep breath as she wraps her arms around me, “knowing all of that hasn’t changed how I feel about you. Nothing ever will. I gave you my heart that night you kissed me and nothing will ever change that. And you want to know something, Faith? I remember starting to feel those things for you before.”

“Bullshit,” I say and I try to push her away, but she doesn’t let go of me. “That’s such fucking bullshit, Buffy.”

“It’s not. I keep remembering this moment that happened between us before Olivia and Roman took you and did this to you. It was a moment when we were lying in bed together and I remember thinking all these things, these thoughts I’d never had when it came to you, and how I was so scared that I was falling for you since you were the last person in the world I wanted to have these feelings for. I wasn’t using you, Faith. You need to believe me when I say that.”

I shake my head and wipe away at the tears that just won’t fucking stop. She plants the softest kiss on my lips and when I open my eyes I didn’t even realize I’d closed them, I see her smiling ever so sweetly at me in a way that just completely melts away any resolve I have left.

“We can get through this,” she whispers. “I know we can. You’re strong, Faith. You’ve always been the strong one even before everything changed. We can use this to our advantage.”

“How, B? Olivia told me we can’t stop this. We can’t stop any of this.”

“We will,” she says confidently. “We just got to stay strong together and believe that we can change things and this time, we won’t need to send you back to change a string of events that change the future.”

“The how are we going to change things, B?”

“By sending _me_ back.”


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

** Chapter Twenty-Three **

 

I look at Buffy like she’s sprouted a second head. Send her back? Fuck that if she thinks I’m gonna let that happen! I try to put as much space as I can between us in the small bathroom, it isn’t much though but it allows me to breathe a little more.

“You’re crazy,” I say to her and she shrugs it off like it’s nothing. “You’re not going back, Buffy. I won’t let that happen! You have no idea what will happen, the things you’ll change if you go back!”

“I’ve already made my decision, Faith,” she replies calmly. “I can fix this. I can stop Olivia and Roman before they even come to Sunnydale. How I’m going to do that, I’m not so sure, but I’ll figure something out.”

“You really have no idea that none of us can stop them. They cannot be killed, Buffy. Going back and trying to stop them before any of this happened is a mistake!”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Faith.”

“Wrong? Well, fuck, why don’t you enlighten me here, B?”

“Only a Champion has a chance at stopping them.”

Angel. Why didn’t I even think about that? In some way, with me changing the littlest of things when I first came to Sunnydale somehow prevented Angel from coming back from hell. Whatever part he had in all of this, Olivia and Roman figured out a way to eliminate him completely. It’s got my mind going a million miles a minute trying to put together the pieces of a puzzle I can’t quite see.

“Giles knows how to get his hands on that drug they gave you,” Buffy says after a minute. “It won’t be much, just enough for one time, but that’s all I need is one chance. We need Angel here, Faith. He’s our only chance at putting a stop to this apocalypse before it even starts.”

“Why the hell didn’t Giles say anything?”

“Because you weren’t supposed to know what we were planning to do,” Buffy whispers. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you anything, but then again, it’s always been hard for me to keep secrets from you.”

“Whatever,” I mutter and I lean up against the wall and fold my arms over my chest. “Where are you getting this drug then? Thought only other worldly beings with access to some heavy, powerful, and dark magic could cook this thing up?”

“There is a coven in Spain who has access to that type of magic,” she replies and I raise an eyebrow at that. Selwyn was from that coven. “They already agreed to help us. Giles didn’t even have to convince them to do this since they already knew what had happened and the way life had changed because of you being sent back to change the natural order of life. They want to stop Olivia, Roman, and the First Evil before their plan is carried out as much as we do.”

I rub my temples and close my eyes. Why can’t things just go back to being simple, somewhat normal--back to the life I _know_ and not this one where everything is a thousand times more confusing than it should be?

“You took your ring off?” Buffy whispers, her voice cracking a little as she reaches for my left hand. “Why?”

I look down at my hand and shrug. The ring is in my pocket. It just felt, I dunno, weird to wear something that has so much meaning. She’s fighting back tears and it rips at my heart to see her so upset over something so little, yet as stupid as I am didn’t realize just how much it really means to her. I look down at my hand again and I can see the tan line where the ring was. I pull the ring out of my pocket and slip it back on, offering a small smile in hopes she wouldn’t be so upset anymore. Fat chance in that happening. This is still very much the same Buffy here.

“Why did you take it off in the first place?”

“Jesus, B, it’s just a ring.”

That earns me a slap across the face that leaves me stunned. When am I gonna learn to keep my mouth shut?

“I’m sorry,” I say quickly and reach out for her before she can storm out of the bathroom. “B, I’m sorry. Fuck. Everything is just so messed up right now and you know me, I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut.”

She struggling against me, refusing to look at me, but I don’t need to see her face to know she’s crying right now. I maneuver myself quickly until I’m in between her and the door. I don’t hesitate for a second and I kiss her with all that I have. She doesn’t respond, not at first. Her lips are pressed together tightly and she’s trying to push me off of her. I don’t give up, kissing her soft lips until I feel her relent and give in.

“You’re not going back,” I say as I pull back from her lips suddenly. “I’m not gonna let you go back to save Angel, B.”

“I have to. We need to stop them and this is the only way.”

“There’s gotta be another way.”

“There’s not.”

I know she’s right, but I don’t want to believe it. This could make life a helluva lot worse in a lot of ways and call me selfish, but I don’t want to lose what I have with Buffy--or what we had before this part of me came here. I don’t want to lose this life even if trying to fit in and make it my own at this point seems impossible.

She’s gripping at my shoulders, but not too hard that it hurts. She’s struggling to breathe, to calm down and I feel her shudder a little as I rest my forehead against hers.

“Let’s try and find another way,” I plead with her. The last thing I want other than life to change yet again is for something to happen to her if this magical time-travelling drug is botched. “Please, B?”

“What if we can’t and this apocalypse happens and there’s nothing we can do to stop it?”

“We will stop it,” I say confidently. “I know we can. We just gotta find a way to do it and you going through the same shit I did over the last week is _not_ the way to go, okay?”

“It’s too late,” she whispers and she leans in to kiss me ever so softly. “I’ve made my decision, Faith.”

“It’s not too late, B!” I say as she pulls away from me and manages to unlock the door. “Buffy, stop! It’s not too late. We can figure something else out!”

“No,” she says firmly and opens the door. “It’s happening tonight as soon as Selwyn arrives with the drug and performs the spell needed to make it work.”

With that, she leaves me alone in the bathroom. Fuck. I punch the wall, the plaster crumbling around my fist and I fight the urge to destroy everything in sight. I give myself a few minutes to calm down and wipe the plaster dust off my hand. I head out into the shop, but Buffy is nowhere to be seen. I don’t even bother asking the others where she went, I just grab my jacket from the back of the chair I’d been sitting in before and head out the front door.

I look up and down the street, but even through the crowds of people, I don’t see Buffy anywhere. I take a left, hoping I chose the right way and walk fast through the crowds of people out on the street. I don’t know how to convince her not to do this, but I have to find her and give it another shot. But as stubborn as Buffy is, convincing her to change her mind is gonna be a long-shot.

****

I’m at the house sitting on the front steps, watching the sun as it goes down. All afternoon I looked for Buffy in every place I thought I’d be able to find her. I even went to her mother’s house, but nobody was home and she was nowhere to be seen inside. I couldn’t even _feel_ her. It’s almost as if she disappeared off the face of the earth.

I have a cold beer sitting next to me, the fifth I’ve had since I gave up looking for her and headed home. A few of the neighbours that walked by waved hello, and all I could do is grunt and nod my hello back to them. I’m definitely feeling the buzz from the beer and yet it’s doing the opposite of relaxing me as it normally does. It’s making me tense and I feel a little sick as my stomach turns around in knots once my thoughts go right back to Buffy.

I grab my beer and head inside, flipping on the light in the hallway as I kick the door shut behind me. Now I’m suddenly feeling determined to find out more about this life, about _me_ , but I have no fucking idea where to even start.

There’s dozens of pictures in frames all throughout the house, on walls and on tables, but pictures don’t tell me much of anything. The stories behind each of them unknown and intriguing. It almost scares me to see how fucking happy I look in all of them. It’s like I’m looking into a mirror at the opposite person that I am. How could a few small changes in my life made me happy the way I appear to be in all those pictures I’ve seen so far? Is it my life itself that makes me happy, or is it Buffy that has made me this way?

I stop at the foot of the stairs and stare at the picture hanging on the wall. It’s a picture of a sunset on a beach and two dark silhouettes standing holding each other while looking deep into one another’s eyes. I know who is in that picture, it’s obvious, but something is drawing me in to it and I can’t quite figure out what it is. I head into the living room and look on the bookshelf until I find a white photo album. The wedding pictures.

I down my beer and grab another from the fridge before I sit down on the couch and flip through the album. It feels so fucking surreal seeing these pictures of what looks like the greatest, happiest day of my life and I never even got to experience any of it. I close the album and toss it on to the coffee table. I just stare at the cover and end up kicking it clear off the coffee table and out into the hallway.

“You going to destroy our house now?” Buffy asks as she comes in the front door.

“No.”

She shakes her head as she picks the wedding album up from the floor. “It was the happiest day of our lives,” she says softly as she slips off her shoes and comes into the living room. “Everyone thought we were too young to get married and that we hadn’t been together long enough to know if that’s what we wanted. We told ignored them, Faith. You even said in your vows that you never knew the meaning of soul-mates until you met me.”

“Where have you been?” I ask her as she places the album back where I found it on the bookshelf. “B? I looked everywhere for you.”

“Not everywhere,” she frowns as she turns to look at me. “I went to the beach where we got married. I needed some time alone to think.”

“I still find it fucking surreal we ended up together,” I mutter under my breath. “Don’t get me wrong, B, even before I had these intense feelings for you, but I always thought I wasn’t wired right to be in a committed, loving relationship with anyone.”

“Oh.”

I furrow my brow together and wonder what’s going through that mind of hers. I sip my beer and lean back on the couch and try to relax. Buffy only frowns as she comes to sit down next to me.

“We were supposed to go away the day after they took you,” she says as she reaches for my free hand. “We are supposed to be on a beach down in Mexico enjoying our honeymoon right now.”

I don’t know why but I feel like a complete asshole for ruining that for her. “I’m sorry,” I say after a minute and she lets out a little laugh.

“It’s not your fault, Faith.”

“Sure feels like it.”

“Don’t ever apologize for something you can’t control.”

“Noted,” I reply with a small smile and she rolls her eyes. “What were you off thinking about, B?”

“About what I’m going to do tonight,” she sighs heavily and lets go of my hand. “And before you ask if I’ve changed my mind, I haven’t. I just keep replaying it over and over in my head that night I sent Angel to hell. It’s one of those moments I’ll never forget. I’m just trying to figure out how to do things differently, that’s all.”

I remember everything Angel told me during one of our many visits while I was in prison. It took him awhile to get that story out, but when he eventually told me he said that it was supposed to happen and that he was supposed to stay there. He didn’t even know why he was brought back and I’m starting to wonder why he wasn’t this time around. Something different had to have happened to prevent that from happening. I’m willing to bet Buffy is trying to figure that out herself now too.

“I’m just scared,” she admits and I place my beer down on the coffee table and turn to face her fully. I reach for her hands and smile a little when she doesn’t pull away. “I’m scared if he comes back it’ll change everything that happened between us. I did love him more than anything, Faith, and I’m just afraid that he’ll come between us and stop us from being as close as we were before we ended up together.”

I don’t like to think it, but Angel did play a big part in keeping Buffy and I from ever becoming close and the fact that she still loved him when he came back from hell had made her keep her distance from me pretty much all together.

“No matter what happens, B, just remember it could make a big difference in us being able to stop Olivia, Roman, and the First. You said so yourself, we need Angel. Guess you gotta do whatever ya gotta do to make it happen, right?”

She nods her head slowly and lowers her eyes for a moment. When she looks back up at me, she doesn’t even give me a second to react as she pulls me in for a deep, languid kiss. Her hands are already pulling at my shirt, trying to get it off and I know I should put a stop to this, but I really can’t. all I’ve wanted for the last week since that night we spent together last was to be with her again, to touch her, kiss her, feel every inch of her pressed up against me.

“If anything happens, I just want this to happen one last time,” Buffy whispers as she pulls back and slides my shirt up and over my head. She tosses it to the floor and her hands are already working on unclasping my bra. “I don’t care if you’re not really the one I married. You feel like her, you look like her, and you kiss me the way she does.”

“B--”

“Just let me have this, Faith, just let me have you,” she pleads and I sigh softly as she slips my bra off and it joins my shirt on the floor. “I’ve never felt like I’ve needed you more than I do right now.”

I don’t know what to say. I just watch her as she removes her own shirt and bra before she stands up and takes my hands in hers. I happily oblige and she wraps her arms around me, kissing me as she leads the way towards the stairs, her hands already fumbling at getting me out of my jeans. As we make our way up the stairs and to the bedroom, we lose our clothes, leaving them strewn over the living room, the front hallway and halfway up the stairs.

I feel mesmerized by her as she pushes me down on the bed and moves to straddle my hips. I can feel how wet she is as she leans down to kiss me hard. Although I’ve only been with her a few times like this, I can safely say this feels like I’ve done this a million times before with her. I flip her over and smirk as I pull back from her lips. I don’t know how it normally plays out, but I’ll be damned if I let her top me for long right now.

She looks like she’s about to say something, but she bites her lower lip. I lean back and sit on my knees as I stare down at her. She takes my hands in hers and places them on her stomach almost as if she’s encouraging me to touch her, to take her in any way that I want right now. I look down as she moves my hands over her body and I can not only feel but see a few light scars on her stomach. I wonder why I never noticed them when we were in the shower together yesterday.

I shake my head, trying not to let those thoughts cloud my mind. She wants me to fuck her--or make love to her, whatever it is she’s expecting and here I’m thinking about everything else but doing that. What the hell is wrong with me?

She lets go of my hands and I move them over the length of her rock-hard abdomen a few times, finding a few ticklish spots along the way. I straddle her hips and immediately she’s running her hands over the backs of my thighs and it’s increasingly getting harder to hold myself back from completely ravishing her from head to toe. She lifts a hand to the back of my head and pulls me down, kissing me hard and deep as she moves her other hand between my legs.

“Oh fuck,” I groan against her lips as she circles over my clit in just the right way. It’s like she knows my body inside and out, and technically I’m guessing she does if we’ve been together what, two years at this point? Just wish I could say the same…

“God, baby, you’re so wet,” she moans as she continues to circle over my clit.

Her fingers expertly work me over, quickly bringing me tumbling towards the edge of a very intense orgasm. My whole body is buzzing uncontrollably, but I manage to move a hand down between her legs. She’s dripping wet and hot and it’s almost too much for me to take. She kisses me again, biting on my lower lip as I pinch and roll her clit between my fingers.

I can smell her sweet scent now and it’s too much. I got to taste her. I move down her body quickly and she lets out a surprised squeal as I spread her legs for me. My heart is racing so damn fast and I have to force myself not to just dive right in between her legs. I lean in for a taste and I can’t stop at just one lick. Her hands go to my hair, holding me right where I am and she’s moaning, crying out my name as I hit all the right spots with my tongue.

I stop when I faintly hear the front door unlock, but Buffy is oblivious and she grips my hair a little harder, forcing me to continue. She’s moaning louder now, calling out my name every couple of seconds. And when she cums, she lets go of my hair and grips the sheets as her back arches off the bed. Fuck, the sight of her as she cums is so sexy and it almost has me going over the edge with her.

I can only lay here watching her as her orgasm ripples through her body. I take a few long licks around her hole, moaning at the taste of her cum. I could stay right here all night, but I pull back and look back up at her as I lay my head on her thigh, trying to catch my breath.

Buffy pulls me up a little and I crawl up the bed and lay next to her. She’s got the most satisfied smile on her face and her eyes are closed and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her as beautiful as she is now.

“B, someone’s downstairs,” I whisper as I lightly run the tips of my fingers over her breasts.

“That would be Will,” she sighs, her smile quickly fading. “She wasn’t supposed to be here for another hour.”

“Oh?” I say as I lean back and watch her as she gets up from the bed. “What’s she doing here?”

“She’s helping me prepare for the spell Selwyn will be doing as soon as she arrives in Sunnydale, which will be any minute now. Giles is probably at the airport waiting for her. Oh god,” she groans as she walks into the walk-in closet. “I thought I’d have more time to prepare myself for this.”

“You had all day,” I mutter under my breath as I lie on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. “I still can’t talk you out of doing this, can I?”

She doesn’t say anything as she walks out of the walk-in dressed in what looks like slaying gear. She barely even looks as me as she grabs a hair elastic off the dresser and pulls her hair back into a tight ponytail. She doesn’t say a word as she walks out of the bedroom and a minute later, I hear her and Willow talking quietly downstairs.

I keep getting pulled in to Buffy and the life I’m supposed to have here with her. It’s making me feel sick--not in a bad way, but in a way that knowing I shouldn’t have let anything happen between us tonight. And I wish that somehow we had more time together instead of the barely fifteen minutes we’d been here in bed together.

I shrug it off and find some clean clothes to wear, debating the whole time whether to stay right here or be downstairs when Buffy is induced with this magical drug. On one hand, I don’t want to miss it, I want to be right there with her to see what happens, and on the other hand, I don’t know if I can even stand to see her go through the same thing I was forced to go through. I start to pace the bedroom floor, trying to figure it out.

****

In the end I ended up down in the living room, well partly in the living room. I stand in the hallway and lean against the wall as I watch Selwyn and Willow prepare the spell. The drug, they gave it some kind of a fancy name I can’t even pronounce and it’s sitting on the coffee table. I can’t stop staring at the green liquid inside the syringe either. Tara is here too, but she and Giles are standing on the other side of the room, talking too quietly for me to hear them.

And Buffy is just sitting in the chair brought in from the dining room staring blankly at the syringe on the coffee table. Not once has she even looked at me since I came down from the bedroom.

The lights flicker as Willow and Selwyn begin chanting louder. They move to stand on either side of Buffy and Selwyn places a hand on her head. A shimmering white light washes over her and Buffy looks relaxed and calm as she closes her eyes. I don’t remember Olivia and Roman performing this spell, but then again I had no idea how long I’d been blacked out for when they first took me.

“Are you ready, Buffy?” Willow asks and I see Buffy nod her head a little. “Once you do this, there’s no going back.”

“I know what I’m doing, Will. I’m ready.”

Selwyn picks up the syringe and with a steady hand she moves it towards Buffy’s neck. I look over at Giles and Tara and they’re just standing there quietly, watching in fascination as this unfolds. My heart feels like its trapped in a vice and I move more into the living room as Selwyn injects the drug into Buffy.

Her head lolls to the side as it hits her and I shake my head, fighting back the few tears that snuck up on me. Selwyn and Willow step away from Buffy, but the only one who looks calm is Selwyn. Willow is crying and Tara is instantly at her side, comforting her. Giles is off in the kitchen and I swear I hear him crying just a little.

“What happens now?” I croak out and Selwyn walks over to me and places a hand on my shoulder. “How long is she gonna be out for?”

“Hours. We wait.”

Selwyn sits down on the couch and just watches Buffy. As powerful of a witch as she is, I gotta wonder if somehow she can see what’s happening to Buffy right now. I grab my jacket and head out to the front porch. Staying inside is making me feel as if I’m suffocating in there.

I sit out there alone for hours, wondering just how long Buffy will be under that drug. I know the first time I was put under; I was out for a few days. I don’t know if I can stand to wait a few days for her to wake up. I’m so tired and yet I don’t want to fall asleep. I force myself to keep my eyes open and I turn my head to look up at the night sky to watch the stars above.

Something feels different and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I close my eyes and open them and suddenly I’m no longer sitting on the front steps at the house, I’m sitting on the balcony of the apartment the Mayor had given to me years ago. I get up from the ledge and walk inside. It’s not how we left it before, completely trashed from that fight that nearly killed me.

And I sense that I’m not alone here either. The place is dark, but I know my way around and I fumble with the switch on the lamp near the bed.

“Angel?” I say, a little surprised to see him standing by the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I have no idea,” he shrugs and I move towards him slowly. He looks confused and scared and I’ve never seen him like this before. “I had the craziest dream. It’s hard to explain. Somehow I woke up standing right here.”

“It wasn’t a dream,” I say softly and he looks at me in surprise. “Whatever she did, it worked.”

“What’s going on, Faith?”

“It’s a long story,” I groan and I suddenly feel dizzy. “A _really_ long story.”

“Faith?” Angel reaches out for me before I collapse. He holds me close to him as he takes me over to the bed and lays me down. “Faith, are you all right?”

His voice fades as I close my eyes. I can’t fight the dizziness or the nausea as it hits me in waves. I don’t know what happened or what Buffy did, but I feel different.

And I know that can’t be a good thing.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four

** Chapter Twenty-Four **

 

I wake up and I’m not in the apartment. I’m in the same room I was days ago, chained to the chair and the unmistakable stench of death surrounding me. The door opens, the creaking of the hinges sounding a lot louder than they really are and I see Olivia smirking as she walks in holding a fresh, new candle. She places it down on the table and pulls up a chair in front of me and sits down.

“What the _hell_?!” I mutter as she folds her hands on her lap and just stares at me. “What the fuck did you do to me?!”

“Did you enjoy that little trip, Faithy?”

“Answer the goddamn question!”

“You really believed you could change the past and end up in a different version of your life? Can I just say Roman was right about you? You are so very _gullible_. It’s pathetic, really.”

None of that was real? What the fuck?

“How are you feeling?”

“Pissed off,” I snap at her and she laughs.

“You truly believed it was all real?” Olivia asks, laughing even harder now as she leans forward and shakes her head. “Wow. Who knew messing with you would be so much fun?”

I struggle against the chains and for a second it almost feels like they’re about to give away and I can break free, but Olivia snaps her fingers and the chains tighten around me. I gasp out in pain as I struggle to breathe and she leans forward a little more and grabs my chin with her hand.

“None of that was _real_?” I ask her through gritted teeth. She nods her head yes and I groan softly as I try to pull away from her tight grip. “What the hell was the point of it then? Just to fuck with me?”

“Oh, fucking with you was the best part,” she laughs wickedly. “But not entirely the point. We kept you out of the way and by doing that, it kept the others too busy looking for you to see what was really happening under their pathetic little noses the whole time.”

Panic washes over me and she lets go of my chin with a laugh. I struggle against the chains again and I feel the chair begin to creak. I stop struggling when Olivia begins to pace the floor in front of me, tittering to herself in another language and laughing at whatever it is she just said.

It doesn’t take me long to realize she’s not just talking to herself, she’s talking to someone else I can’t even see. I struggle against the chains again and feel them starting to give. I stop again when Roman walks in and he looks at me for a second and laughs before he whispers something into Olivia’s ear. She kisses him twice on each cheek before she shoos him out of the room.

“I’ve just received word that your friends have found our location. Pity. I was hoping I’d get to play a little while longer,” Olivia says and she shakes her head as she walks over to me and pulls out a key from her back pocket. “I could make this hard for them, but I wouldn’t want to see any of them die for _you_ , Faithy. If you couldn’t tell, I do like a challenge and if you all are dead, what’s the fun in that?”

“You’re fucking crazy,” I mutter as she unlocks me from the chains. I want to lunge at her, but I feel too weak to even lift my arms. “You could just kill me, save yourself the trouble.”

“I told you before, the last thing I want to do is kill you, Faith. We may stand on opposite sides in this world, but you’re something special. You’re not like anyone else and it fascinates me. I’ll be seeing you around, Faithy. Don’t try to do anything stupid in the meantime.”

She turns and walks out of the small room, leaving the door wide open. I struggle to get up and stand on my feet. My legs feel like jelly and I can barely take a few steps without stumbling and nearly falling to the ground. I grab the candle and make my way to the door slowly, yet with every step I take I feel my energy slowly returning.

I peer out the door and don’t see anything but darkness and a set of stairs a few hundred feet away, illuminated by the light coming in from the open door at the top. I take a deep breath and make my way over to the stairs, dropping the candle when the hot wax hits my hand. I check my pockets, find my lighter, and shakily light it, using it to avoid the few dead bodies lying on the ground.

I hear footsteps above me and voices, voices that definitely belong to Buffy, Xander, and Willow. I gasp as I reach the stairs and taste the fresh air coming in through the door at the top. I barely make it up the first few steps before Buffy is running down towards me, shining a flashlight into my eyes.

“Guys, she’s down here!” Buffy yells up the stairs and I collapse as she reaches me. She helps me to my feet and I can feel her heart pounding as she holds me close. “God, Faith, I thought they killed you!”

“I’m still alive,” I mutter and she starts up the stairs, practically dragging me with her.

It’s bright when we reach the top of the stairs and it takes me a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. We’re in a warehouse, that much I know, and the sunlight is streaming in through the skylight windows that have been broken, the rest boarded up to keep the light out.

“Faith, are you all right?” Giles asks as he’s the first to reach Buffy and me. He takes me from her and I slink to the ground, groaning as I try to fight the waves of nausea. “Buffy, go get her some water from my bag. Hurry now.”

Giles kneels on the ground next to me and checks my vital signs. I lay back, coughing as I try to breathe. It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. Giles looks worried and that causes a wave of panic to wash over me.

“Giles, is she going to be okay?” Willow asks as she kneels down next to him. “She doesn’t look so great.”

“She’s dehydrated. Exhausted. Her pulse is weak, but steady.”

Willow just looks down at me, her eyes full of concern and worry. Buffy comes running back with a bottle of water and she helps me sit up. She unscrews the cap and holds the bottle to my lips and I eagerly drink the warm water. I cough when I swallow it too hard and she just holds me, waiting for me to recover before holding the bottle back to my lips.

“She needs to get to a hospital, Giles,” Buffy says softly as I finish off the water and lay my head back against her chest.

“Fuck that,” I groan as I roll my eyes. “I ain’t going to no hospital. Just take me home.”

Buffy is the one who carries me out to Giles’ car and she sits in the backseat with me, Willow sitting on the other side while Xander gets in the front with Giles. I can’t help but stare at her as she looks right back at me. I close my eyes and rest my head on her shoulder as Giles drives through the streets of Sunnydale. All I want to do is sleep right now. I know after I’ve slept for a couple of days, I’ll be back to my old self, good as new.

I don’t even open my eyes when the car stops and don’t even say a word as Buffy carries me inside Giles’ apartment and up to the bedroom. She lays me down on the bed and I reach out for her hand before she can walk away.

“Stay,” I whisper.

“Faith,” she sighs and gives in and lies down on the bed next to me. “You need to rest.”

“How long?” I ask her and I struggle to open my eyes. “How long did you look for me?”

“Two weeks.”

“Damn.”

“What did they do to you, Faith?”

I shake my head, not sure if I even want to talk about it. I’m still trying to deal with everything that I just went through. I don’t even know how I feel about anything that had happened. I know it’s left me feeling confused and angry, that’s for sure.

“Angel is here,” she whispers and I just stare at her. “He’ll come to see you once the sun is down. He’s been helping us try to find you. He’s been worried about you. We all have been so worried about you, Faith. I thought I’d never see you alive again.”

I sigh and close my eyes again, the pull of sleep getting too hard to fight for much longer. I feel Buffy lightly kiss my forehead as I give in to my body’s urge to sleep. Just before I slip away completely, I feel Buffy hold on to my hand and give it a gentle squeeze.

****

When I wake up, I’m alone in the bed and it’s quiet. Too quiet. I stretch out, feeling a helluva lot better than I did when I got here and I check the clock. Just after midnight. I feel more like me now, but still a little weak. I get out of bed and head down the stairs quietly as to not wake up Giles as he sleeps on the couch. I make my way to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I flip on the lights and just stare in the mirror at my reflection.

I look like hell. I run my fingers over the big, dark circles under my eyes and try not to pay much attention to my hair, which is in a serious need of a wash. I pull my hair away from my neck to reveal the small puncture holes from the syringe. They’re dark and a little bruised, but already fading.

I slowly strip out of my clothes and turn on the water in the tub. I find a bottle of bubble bath and put the plug in, letting the tub fill a little before I pour the bubble bath in. I’m shaking as I climb into the bath, letting the hot water soak and pierce my skin like a thousand hot needles. I just stare at the stream of water as it falls from the tap and fills up the tub ever so slowly.

I should’ve known none of it was real despite how real it all felt. How could I have been so fucking stupid and gullible enough to believe that?

I shut the tap off with my foot and lean back, closing my eyes as I just try to relax. Try to forget everything that has happened. Try being the key word here and I’m failing at it miserably.

I feel the tears stinging my eyes and I don’t even bother to fight them. I sink down in the water and hold my breath as my head goes under. The bubbles sting my eyes but I keep them open and I come up only when my lungs start to burn. I breathe in deeply a few times and wipe the water and bubbles off my face. I feel the anger bubbling up inside of me and I punch at the water a few times, resisting the urge to scream at the top of my lungs.

I stay in the bath until the water goes cold and I stand there in the tub watching the water and what’s left of the bubbles slowly go down the drain. I pull the shower curtain around the tub and turn on the taps. I shower quickly, making sure I wash my hair about five times before I get out. I wrap one of the big fluffy white towels around me and leave my dirty clothes where I left them on the floor.

After I make it back upstairs and get dressed, I head back downstairs and this time Giles is awake when I get down there. He smiles at me and gets up from the couch. He walks right up to me and hugs me tight.

“I was beginning to wonder if you were going to wake up anytime soon. You’ve been sleeping for over a day and a half now. How are you feeling?”

“Much better. Pissed off mostly. And hungry,” I add with a sharp laugh. Giles nods and points to the fridge.

“Xander ordered pizza tonight. There are leftovers in the fridge for you.”

“Awesome,” I say and I head into the kitchen and pull out the box of pizza sitting on the top shelf. It’s a full pizza, chock full of my favourites and I grin as I pull out a slice and take a bite.

“I’m afraid there is some bad news,” Giles says as he joins me in the kitchen and places the kettle on top of the stove and turns the burner on. “While they had you there, things started to happen. The vampire population has skyrocketed in the last two weeks and the First Evil has begun to make its presence known.”

“Just fucking great,” I groan and I take another bite of my pizza, polishing it off. I reach for another slice and open the fridge to grab a beer. “Too late to do anything now, isn’t it?”

“Perhaps not,” Giles replies. “The First was unable to become corporeal. Its power is still limited at this point. I’m far more worried about Olivia and Roman and what their plans are at the moment. Faith, I know you may not want to speak about what happened to you while they had you as their prisoner, but I believe that it is imperative that we know what happened to you.”

“They drugged me,” I reply with a shrug. “Can’t I eat something first, G? I’ll fill you in on all the details after, all right?”

“Of course,” he nods and frowns as I take the box of pizza with me and head into the living room. I sit down in the chair and prop my feet up. “Are you doing all right though, Faith?”

“Wasn’t when you guys found me, but I’m feeling five by five,” I reply through a mouthful of pizza.

“I don’t just mean physically.”

“G,” I sigh in annoyance. “Can’t ya let me eat in peace and quiet? Told ya I’d fill ya in soon as I finish eating.”

Giles takes a seat on the couch after he’s made himself a cup of tea and just watches me as I eat the rest of the pizza. I chug back my beer and lean back as I toss the empty box on the floor next to me. Maybe eating the whole pizza was a bit much, but I can’t help myself when I’m starving and haven’t eaten in far too long, at least not anything substantial that could be considered food.

I take a few deep breaths and begin to tell him just about everything, leaving out the few tiny details of the naughty things I was doing with Buffy, even leaving out the fact that at one point we were married and living the perfect life together. He doesn’t need to know any of those details, but I tell him everything else that I can.

Giles doesn’t say much, just makes a lot of little noises and repeatedly removes his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. I stop telling him everything and just watch him as he stares at me. I don’t know what’s going through his head right now, but I’m betting he thinks I’ve gone crazy.

When he gets up to get another cup of tea, I move to the window and open it. I light a cigarette and stare out into the dark courtyard. I see someone sitting at one of the tables and even though it’s hard to make out who it is in the darkness, I know that it’s Buffy. I look over at Giles in the kitchen and he’s busy making himself another cup of tea. I open the window wider and hop out, the drop down a little far but I land firmly on my feet.

Buffy barely flinches as I sit down in the chair across from her. She can’t even look at me and I ain’t even sure why. I finish off my cigarette and crush it out in the ashtray on the table. I reach over and place a hand over Buffy’s and she finally looks at me.

“Hey,” I say softly and she rolls her eyes at me. “What’s up, B?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re just sitting out here in the middle of the night? Couldn’t sleep or something?”

“Or something,” she shrugs and pulls her hand away from mine. “What really happened to you, Faith? I heard you talking to Giles, but I got a feeling there’s a lot you didn’t even bother to tell him. What are you trying to hide?”

“B, none of it was real and there are some parts of it that I don’t think Giles could handle.”

“Like what?”

I don’t want to tell her about all those things that “happened” between her and I. it wasn’t real and I just want to do nothing more than forget the whole thing ever happened. I don’t know how she’d even react to half the things I’d tell her. She’d probably just laugh at me and call me crazy. Maybe I am crazy, but then again I remember the prison shrink telling me if I had to question my sanity, I’m definitely not crazy.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” she says coldly. “Maybe it is better that I don’t know the truth.”

“What I told Giles was the truth, B. I just left out a few things that’s all. It’s no big.”

“So, let me get this straight, they had you drugged up and believing you were going back to the past and changing your life? What was the point in that?”

“To fuck with me,” I mutter in reply. “Obviously it worked.”

I move to sit in the chair next to her and I put my arm around her shoulders. She doesn’t push me away surprisingly and I lean in a little closer to her. She turns her head quickly and I know she’s crying. Just can’t figure out what the hell she’s crying over.

“That night,” she whispers as she wipes away her tears, “I can’t stop thinking about that night we were together, Faith.”

“Yeah?” I ask and I can’t fight the smile that’s creeping over my lips. My heart is racing too and I can’t help it. She just has this effect on me. “What about that night, B?”

“It’s the last time I felt anything in the past couple of weeks. I can’t stop thinking about you and I can’t even stop dreaming about you. I felt so lost, so alone. I thought I’d never get to the chance to see you again when they took you, Faith.”

I don’t know what to say. I honestly don’t, so I do the next best thing and I kiss her. She doesn’t respond, not at first, but I’m not about to give up just yet. I kiss her harder and move my hands to cup her head gently. She finally relents and kisses me back. I can feel her tears on my cheeks as she deepens the kiss. When she pulls away and breathes in deeply, I reach up and wipe away the tears from her cheeks and wait for her to open her eyes.

“We never did talk,” I say softly and she lets out a short, sharp laugh.

“When did you become such a girl, Faith?”

“Always been one, just didn’t know it ‘til you brought it out of me,” I reply smoothly and she laughs again. “B, what was going on between us that night? I know it was more than just sex. It was different. It was real and amazing. Fuck, it probably was the best night of my life so far.”

“I still don’t know how to answer that,” she says with a frown and I lean back in the chair, feeling defeated. “You have to understand something about me, Faith. I’m not who I was before. Something is different. I can’t make sense of what it is, but I know when I’m around you, I feel more like me.”

“What do you want?” I ask her, hoping that maybe she’ll be able to tell me. I ain’t expecting much of anything or even an answer, but I gotta try. “B? What do you want from me?”

“Everything,” she whispers so softly I barely hear her. “I want everything,” she says a little louder and I raise both eyebrows at that. “But,” she sighs and shakes her head, “I don’t know if you can give me everything I need right now.”

“I’m sure I can try if ya let me, B.”

She laughs and shakes her head as she stands up. “I don’t doubt that for a second,” she says and I stand up and stand in front of her. “I’m just…afraid. I’m not--I don’t think I can handle what the others are going to think or say if they knew how I’m starting to feel about you.”

“B, they won’t care.”

“Oh they will because it’s _you_ , Faith. Things might be different now, but we have history and it’s not all happy puppies and double rainbows.”

“So, let me get this straight,” I say as I place my hands on her arms and make her look right at me. “You want everything from me, but you don’t want the others to know about us?”

Buffy doesn’t say anything, but from the way she’s looking at me, I already know the answer to that question. I also get the feeling Buffy doesn’t want to do the whole going out on dates, bringing each other little stupid gifts like flowers and chocolate either. Pretty fucking sure she’s more in it for the sex and I definitely can’t complain on that front.

“How do you feel about me?” I ask her. “Just be honest with me.”

“Like I want to love you, to be in love with you, but even just thinking it and saying it scares me.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s different, Faith!”

“Love is love, B. Sometimes ya just have to go with it and see where it takes you.”

“When did you become all…” she trails off and shakes her head. “You’re so different, Faith. So much that I feel like I don’t even know you.”

“You don’t.”

She sighs and steps back out of reach. It feels like she’s messing with my head and I know she isn’t doing it intentionally. After all I’ve been through, I don’t know how to take a step back and let it all soak in. I’m in need of a serious mental vacation here.

After being fucked with by Olivia and that drug, it’s hard to come back to this reality of how life really is. A part of me wishes it was all real because there, it was easy with Buffy. She didn’t have a wall put up between us, she was open, and in love with me in a way I’ve pretty much always craved to be loved by her. I want things with her that I know she can’t give to me.

“B?” I say softly as I step up to her and she takes another step back. “You don’t want to know how I feel about you?”

“I know,” she whispers. “But I’m not so sure I’m ready to hear it yet.”

“It scares me too. I ain’t ever been in love with someone before.”

Buffy full out laughs and starts to walk away from me. I run my fingers through my hair, frustrated. I start off after her and grab her arm to keep her from walking away from me.

“Don’t,” I plead and she pushes me away. “B, come on, I’m being honest with you here and you just fucking laugh at me and walk away?”

“I told you I wasn’t ready to hear you say it,” she snaps.

I groan, annoyed since I knew this would happen. Whenever we try to talk, it’s always in circles and ends up in a big mess neither of us can sort through to make any sense of it. I’m fucking tired of it and for once in my life I just want to set the record straight with her and make her see what she could have that’s right here in front of her. I might be getting ahead of myself here, but I know there’s something between us, something that’s always been there.

Buffy walks off again and heads up the stairs that lead to the street. I’m right behind her and I stop her halfway up the stairs and back her up against the wall. She struggles to get away, and she could easily, but she doesn’t really try. I know she wants this, I know she wants me. I can see it just by the way she’s looking right at me. I look around to make sure we’re completely alone before I kiss her, hard, my hand already making its way inside her pants.

Buffy grabs my shoulders as I slick my fingers over her clit. She’s so wet and ready to be fucked, but she moves a hand to grab my arm and stops me before I can slide a finger inside of her. She pulls back from the kiss, breathing heavily and relaxes her grip on my arm.

“What are you doing?” Buffy asks and I laugh a little at that.

“Thought it’s pretty obvious with my hand down your pants. I know what you want, what you need. Besides, I’m fucking tired of you trying to run away from me and what’s happening between us.”

“Let’s go somewhere else. Somewhere more private,” she whispers and I nod my head, pulling my hand out of her pants slowly.

Buffy takes my hand and leads me up the rest of the stairs to the street. I don’t know where she’s taking me, but I can’t wait for what I know will happen once we’re somewhere else.


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five

** Chapter Twenty-Five **

 

I’m amazed at the complete turn of events that have happened since I went out to talk to Buffy. Just knowing how she feels, not just about me, but with herself and knowing what she needs right now, it made it too easy just to take what I want and show her that’s exactly what she knows she wants too. It’s hard to keep my hands off of her as she lead the way through the streets of Sunnydale at a brisk pace.

I stop short when I realize where she’s taking me once we’re halfway up the walkway to the front door of her house. I don’t know why she’s taken me here if she doesn’t want anyone to know about whatever it is that’s happening between us. Buffy just tugs on my hand a little and I give in, letting her lead the rest of the way to the front door. The house is quiet and dark and she motions for me to follow her up the stairs.

She opens the door to her bedroom and leads me inside. I shut the door quietly behind me and turn to face her and she’s already pulling me towards the bed. The look in her eyes is intense and full of desire. I want to say something--anything, but I can’t mostly ‘cause her lips are now on mine, kissing me deeply as she slips her hands under the hem of my shirt. Her hands feel hot against the skin on my stomach and I shiver as she rakes her nails over my skin.

Fuck, I don’t know what it is, but she gets right under my skin and I can’t seem to say no or put a stop to this before it happens again. I’m still not all there in my mind and that bothers me. I need to get a grip on reality here, but it’s hard to with Buffy kissing me the way she is and both her hands now moving around to my back to unclasp my bra.

We’re on the brink of a major apocalypse here and we’re doing everything but preparing ourselves for what is about to come. That can wait until tomorrow since right now I’m finding it pretty fucking hard to think straight with Buffy’s hands on my breasts.

It feels like we’re moving too fast and too slow at the same time. I kick things up a notch as I pull away from her lips and promptly remove her shirt. She gasps a little as she pulls at mine and I help her pull off the offending clothing, slipping off my bra for good measure. I reach around to unclasp her skimpy, lacy pink bra and before I can slide it off, she turns me around and pushes me back on to the bed. I watch her as she bites her lower lip and moves to straddle my legs. She tries to push me until I’m on my back, but I don’t move. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her again, hard, deep, and full of need.

I ignore the screaming in the back of my mind to put a stop to this. I’m in no mood to listen to my conscience now, not after everything I’d just been through.

I run my hands down the length of Buffy’s back and she leans more in to me, but I stop when I feel scars there I didn’t feel the last time we were together. I pull back and just stare at her, concerned about how she got them.  As a slayer, we heal quickly and most scars fade unless they are deep.

“Demon,” she whispers as I trace the jagged scars with my fingertips. “Caught me out of nowhere the night after you went missing.”

“Damn, B. Gotta be more careful, yeah?”

“Don’t talk. Not now,” she groans as she runs her hands through my hair. “Just kiss me.”

I grin and don’t do as she asked. She tugs on my hair a little and I give in. How can I not with the way she’s looking at me? It’s full of desire and it’s making my blood run hot. I move my hands to the front of her pants and try to slide them down. She gets the hint and stands up, her lips never leaving mine as I slide her pants and her panties down. She almost trips before she kicks off her shoes and removes the rest of her pants. Still, without breaking the kiss, she straddles my legs again and grabs one of my hands and moves it in between her legs, showing me just where she wants me to be.

I need to feel her fully against me, but that’s not exactly happening with me still in my pants and boots. I manage to kick off my boots without much of an effort and I lift Buffy up as I stand up and I lay her down on the bed, breaking away from her lips as I fumble with my pants, trying to get them off as quickly as I can.

I raise an eyebrow when I can hear moaning coming from the other room. Looks like Willow and Tara are getting hot and heavy, having a little fun of their own. Buffy laughs softly as she reaches up for me and pulls me down to lay on top of her.

“Were you being honest with me?”

“When?” I ask her as I lean on my hands to keep my body from resting on hers completely.

“When you said you--that you--love me?”

I inhale deeply and try to stay calm. I don’t know whether to say yes or avoid it somehow. After she walked away from me when I told her, I ain’t so sure how she’s gonna react if I say yes right now. This day has been royally fucked up. What was I thinking when I thought being with her would make things be okay again? Be normal--or at least as normal as normal has been for me lately.

I think back to the night we were together last, how different it’d been from the first time in the abandoned house that came crashing down all around us. Tonight is different too for a whole lot of other reasons. And I can’t believe I’m thinking like this here and now of all times.

“I meant it,” I finally say to her with a small smile. Too late to take the words back now. “Honest.”

Buffy cracks a small, sexy smile as she spreads her legs and pulls me flush against her. She wraps her legs around my hips and with a little encouragement, she forces me to thrust down into her pussy.

“Prove it,” she whispers as she cups my face gently in her hands. “Prove to me you mean it. Prove to me that you love me.”

I know what she’s asking and it’s definitely something I’ve never done before. I can fuck like an animal, even fuck nice and slow just to draw out the pleasure, but I don’t know how to make love to someone.

Buffy sighs when I don’t say anything and barely move as I lay on top of her. I can’t tell if she’s annoyed or what right now. Maybe she’s expecting me to make love to her, make her feel something else, something she hasn’t felt in a long time. Or maybe she’s expecting something else.

I’m so tired. After everything I’ve been through, I’m mentally tired and giving up on fighting these thoughts floating through my mind. I keep wishing things could be easier between us, that things didn’t have to be so damn complicated and laced with a rocky history. I keep wishing it could’ve been the way I hallucinated it, that she loved me back in ways I doubt she can for real.

“Faith?” Buffy whispers as she uses her thumbs to stroke my cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t--I can’t do this.”

“What?”

“This, B. I can’t do this,” I say as I try to get off her, but her legs are still around my waist and holding me tight against her. “You were right before when you said you didn’t think I could give you everything that you wanted, that you needed. I know I said I could try, but fuck, it’s not that easy.”

“What happened to you?” Buffy asks as she loosens her grip a little and I manage to pull back. I can’t think straight with her beautiful naked body pressed up against mine. “What did they do to you?”

I shake my head and try to get off the bed, but she pulls me back down flush against her. “I can’t,” I say softly as I look away from her eyes. “I just can’t.”

“Faith, tell me. Talk to me. Please?”

Here goes nothing.

“They had me believing I changed the past,” I begin and it feels like my heart just leapt into my throat. “They had me believing that every little thing I changed that it changed the way things were between us. You _loved_ me, B, and we were together. And happy. And--and married.”

I can tell she wants more details, but I’m not about to have this conversation when we’re all sorts of naked here.

“Married? Is that even legal?” Buffy asks and I have to laugh at little. Is that all she has to say?

“Was in my head, sure. Guess anything was possible with the drugs they were pumping in me.”

“You know,” she says softly as her thumbs continue to stroke my cheeks. “I did always wonder how different things would be if they’d been different in the beginning. You weren’t the only one who made mistakes, Faith. I made plenty of them too when it came to you. But lately I’ve been a firm believer that you can change things without having to go back into the past to do it. After the last time we were together, I went home and couldn’t sleep. All I could do was think of you and these feelings I felt were so deep it was hard to make sense of it at first.”

“I’m still locked up and being pumped full of drugs, ain’t I?” I mutter under my breath and Buffy just laughs a little. “Or this is just a flashback and I’m not even really here with you.”

“It’s all very real. I promise you.”

I’m feeling a sense of déjà vu here and I try to shrug it off. I laugh again at the fact that we’re lying here so intimately and we’re having this conversation.

“What’s so funny?”

“This. How easy it is to talk to you when we’re all naked,” I reply, smirking as Buffy rolls her eyes playfully at me.

All it takes to bring me back to my senses is her rolling her hips up into mine and feeling how wet and hot her pussy is against my lower abdomen. I can still hear Willow and Tara in their bedroom, only just faintly now and I realize that if we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna have to be quiet or else we’re gonna get caught. And I’m pretty fucking sure that’s the last thing Buffy wants right now is for anyone else to know what’s going on between us before she’s figured it out for herself.

Yeah, I can be considerate when it comes to others. It’s a learned skill I’ve gained over the last year. It’s still feels different that I actually give a crap about others before myself, but I know it’s the right way to be.

I know we have to really talk about things, but not tonight. We’ve talked enough as it is and I’m tired of feeling confused and fighting those thoughts in the back of my mind. So I do the only logical thing, I kiss her nice and deep, daring myself to try to show her that how I feel about her is real.

****

It’s almost sunrise and I’ve been lying wide awake since Buffy fell asleep a little while ago. She’s not in my arms, not anymore. She rolled away and on to her side not even ten minutes ago. Everything is quiet in the house, but inside my mind it’s like a frigging nuthouse, voices screaming over others, whispered voices trying to coax me into doing things I don’t want to do.

One of those things to sneak out of the house and head back to the apartment before Buffy--or any of the others--wake up.

Maybe I should just go even though before she fell asleep she made me promise her I’d be here when she wakes up. I run my hands through my hair and sigh softly as I turn my head to look over at her. She’s sleeping so soundly and even though I can’t see her face, I know she probably still has that little smile curled over her lips just like she did when she first fell asleep in my arms.

I don’t know if I did anything right, if I made love to her in the way she expected me to. All I know was it felt so damn good, better than the two times before, and better than it was in my head when I was all drugged up. There were times she looked at me with more than just lust and desire in her eyes. I don’t want to think it’s anything more, not now, not yet. I gotta stop confusing reality from the hallucination. This is Buffy, the _real_ Buffy and I know she just doesn’t go and fall in love with just anyone, much less someone like me.

I make up my mind and decide to break the promise I made her. I slip out of bed and find my clothes. I keep watching her as I get dressed, careful not to make a sound to wake her. For a slayer, she’s sure a deep sleeper. I pull open the window and climb out, careful not to step on the creaky spot I know is right outside the window on the roof. I turn around and look back in at her. She hasn’t stirred. I frown and take a deep breath as I shut the window slowly and as quietly as I can before I walk to the edge of the roof and jump down to the grass.

The sun is just about to rise by the time I make it home and I ain’t fucking surprised to see Giles still awake and sitting at his desk reading the morning paper already. When I shut the door, he turns to look at me and I know he’s not exactly thrilled I up and disappeared for a couple of hours.

“Where have you been?” Giles asks and I can tell he’s trying so hard to stay calm.

“Out.”

“I see,” he mutters and I shrug it off, but I don’t move from where I’m standing. “Doing what, do I dare ask?”

“I was with Buffy,” I reply, not caring that I have fresh love bites on my neck that are clear and plain as day and I know he can see them too. I know he’s looking right at them. He titters as he turns back to his paper and closes it.

“And may I ask what is going on between you two?”

“Nothing.”

“I may be a man and I may be a Watcher, Faith, but I’m not bloody blind and stupid!” He says and I lower my eyes as he turns to look at me, glaring a little. “Would you do the decent thing and be honest with me? Buffy is not as stable as she makes herself appear to be and I know you bloody well aren’t either after all you’ve just been through as of late.”

I know I look like a deer caught in the headlights right about now. Giles knows without me having to say anything. I just shrug it off like I don’t care, but he ain’t buying it.

“I know I may not be privileged to certain aspects of your private life, nor do I have a right to those specific details, but this--this concerns me, Faith.”

“I know,” I mutter. “It ain’t like I plan for these things to happen, G! They just fucking happen and I go along for the ride here.”

“I know you love her,” he says a little too calmly and it makes me nervous as hell. “Believe me I know how you feel about her. It’s been all too obvious for a long time now. I just worry about the consequences this will have for both of you. It is interfering with what we have to deal with here and now, and that is the apocalypse that is very much beginning and unfolding as of this second.”

“G, don’t gotta tell me twice. I know what I’ve gotten myself into and believe me when I say I know it’s fucked up. But,” I sigh as I look up at him and take a deep breath. “But, I can’t help it. If you even knew how much I’ve wanted this and from her, you’d understand why.”

Giles clears his throat and I know he’s feeling a tad uncomfortable about all this. I am too. He fucking _knows_ about me and Buffy and I’m pretty sure he’s the last one Buffy wanted to know about what the hell is going on between us.

“Shit,” I groan and I stand there, unable to move from the very spot I’ve been in since I walked through the door. “It’s that obvious, ain’t it?”

“It is now,” Giles replies with a light chuckle. “I do understand where you are coming from, but that does not mean I agree that what is happening between you two is perfectly normal and healthy. It is far from that.”

“Would ya think the same thing if it was Spike instead of me?”

“I’d be far more disturbed if it was.”

“G,” I say heavily as I come to a realization. “I think I know why Olivia and Roman used me the way they did and fucked with my head in the ways they did.”

“To turn your way of thinking to something else other than what is happening right in front of your very eyes, so to speak?”

Sometimes I forget just how logical and wise Giles can be.

“You need to put a stop to what is happening between you and Buffy and focus on what has been happening. This is no laughing matter, Faith, as I’ve told you earlier. The First is nothing to play around and we have absolutely no idea what it is planning.”

“I know. Focus on slaying first, personal life never,” I grumble under my breath and wink at him to show I’m joking a little. What? I’m trying to lighten the mood here and not make it so damn uncomfortable knowing Giles knows exactly what is happening with Buffy and me and just where I’d been before I came back home. “So, we calling a meeting soon or what?”

Giles nods his head and I head into the kitchen to make some coffee. He’s already on the phone waking up the others, not even bothering to apologize for waking them up so damn early in the morning. It’s nearly two hours before everyone shows up and by then I’ve already drank an entire pot of coffee to myself and made another.

Buffy hasn’t said a word to me since she arrived with Willow and Tara. Dawn stayed behind at home, mostly because she has school in the morning and she’s on a need to know basis when it comes to this apocalypse. While the others gathered around in the living room with Giles and started comparing notes and information they’d collected since I was taken, I walk into the kitchen and make myself another cup of coffee.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up as I feel Buffy’s hands slide over my hips. Nobody can see us from the living room, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I turn to her and she smiles a little, but it quickly fades when she realizes I’m not happy with her touching me at all right now.

“What’s going on with you, Faith?”

“I ain’t getting into this here and now, B. We got more important shit to deal with,” I say quietly and she frowns. “We’re gonna talk about this,” I say as I point between her and me, “but we’re not talking about it now, okay?”

“Faith, I--”

“Giles knows what we did last night,” I cut her off and her face flushes red with embarrassment. I can see the anger in her eyes too.

“You told him?”

“Didn’t have to. He knew soon as I walked in the door when I got home.”

“I can’t believe this!”

“Don’t tell me Red and Tara didn’t ask you about those hickies on your neck this morning.”

“I told them it was a demon,” she whispers and she chuckles a little. “They bought it.”

I can’t help but laugh a little at that too. But I don’t like the fact that lying is far too easy for Buffy. This is not how she used to be--well, okay she did lie when Angel came back, but I don’t blame her for that. Not now after I heard the facts straight from Angel himself about how feral he was when he came back from hell.

Buffy steps closer to me and places her hands on my hips. I fight the urge to push her away as I feel mesmerized by the intense look in her eyes. “How come you left?” She whispers and I sigh heavily. “You promised me you’d stay.”

“I couldn’t stay.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“B, we’re not even together. We’re just fucking. Don’t act like I dumped you or something after a night of wicked amazing sex.”

It hurt more than words can express to say that to her, but I need her to back down right now. I don’t know what the hell has changed for her in the last couple of weeks and sure, she says she feels something for me, love even, but I doubt it’s anything more than her just dying to feel something normal and happy again.

It hurts ‘cause I do love her, more than words can ever express, but we got bigger shit to deal with right now. And if we survive it, then maybe we can work on this whole being together thing. Maybe. If she’ll even have me by the time this blows over.

I feel like I have to apologize for what I said to her. She’s practically on the verge of tears. I look out into the living room and the others are still too busy talking to pay any attention to us. I take both of Buffy’s hands in mine and lean in close.

“I’m an asshole, okay?” I say with a frown and she looks away from me. “I didn’t mean it.”

“You are an asshole,” she mutters and I try not to laugh at the impossibly cute face she’s pulling right now, trying to look upset and pissed up while trying to hide her smile.

I look down at her and she’s wearing the tightest pair of jeans I’ve ever seen on her. I wiggle my eyebrows a little and that pulls a small laugh out of her. I move a hand to her lower back and make my way over her firm little ass. We’re standing so close now that I can feel her hot breath on my lips and as much as I want to kiss her, I can’t.

I look over when I hear a gasp and it’s Tara. Buffy steps back from me quickly, but it’s too late. Tara already saw me straight up feeling her ass and us about to kiss.

“I just--I came to get some coffee,” she stammers as she walks past us to the coffee maker.

“Tara, it wasn’t what it looked like,” Buffy says quickly and I can only roll my eyes.

“I saw nothing,” Tara replies with a wink. “Besides,” she says softly as she looks at both of us, “it’s not like you two were quiet last night.”

Buffy stands there with her arms crossed over her chest and I can’t wipe the grin off my face. I knew they weren’t stupid and I knew we weren’t as quiet as we tried to be. I look over at Buffy and she is stoic. I can’t read her expression and I’d just love to know what’s going through her mind right now.

“Does Will know?” Buffy asks and Tara just laughs a little as she makes up a cup of coffee for herself and for Willow. “Tara?”

“She suspects something is going on, but she hasn’t exactly put two and two together yet.”

“Oh.”

“If you two want to come join us, we’ve figured out some pretty helpful information that can help in tracking down Olivia and Roman. We also think we may have found a way to get rid of them completely. Or at least for a few hundred thousand years.”

I raise an eyebrow at Tara as she walks past us and doesn’t say another word. I look over at Buffy and she’s still expressionless.

“Let’s get down to business, B,” I say as I grab my now warm cup of coffee off the counter. “Let’s figure how to fight these assholes. They may be immortal, but there’s always a way around that.”

“How?”

“Don’t know, but why don’t we go and find out?”

Buffy doesn’t move as she drops her arms to her sides. She walks over to me and closes the distance quickly, planting her lips on mine in the softest kiss I’ve ever had. It leaves me a bit stunned and craving more and once I come to my senses, she’s already gone and with the others in the living room. I shake it off and join them, taking the only available seat that is on the arm of the chair Buffy is sitting in. I ignore the obvious look from Tara and listen to what Giles has to say.

“Selwyn has received word from her coven and the one in England. They truly believe they have found a way to banish the Mother and the Immortal to another dimension. A hell dimension that will act as a prison for them.”

“How are we going to pull this off?” I ask him and he looks over at Willow.

“With magic, of course,” Willow replies with a smile.  I see the pained look on Tara’s face at the mention of magic and Willow is already on it. “Good magic, sweetie. Good magic always defeats evil more efficiently than dark magic.”

I sip my coffee and try to get comfortable. It’s going to be a long, long day. Yet again.


	26. Chapter Twenty-Six

** Chapter Twenty-Six **

 

It’s dark and a bit chilly as I sit on top a headstone in one of the lesser patrolled cemeteries in Sunnydale. I can’t even remember the name of this one, but I do know it’s one I’ve rarely patrolled and Buffy had said the same thing before Giles sent us off here. We agreed to check out opposite ends of the cemetery, but I gave up after discovering that literally no one but us has been in this place in likely years. Moss and weeds are everywhere and not a single footprint in the dirt that I could see.

I keep thinking about what Willow, Selwyn and the coven are planning to do with Olivia and Roman. It’s not gonna be easy, that’s for sure and for the most part I didn’t understand the magic mumbo-jumbo they were talking about. all I know is they have me convinced the whole spell to banish them to another dimension is gonna work, just as long as we can stall them somewhere just long enough for Willow, Selwyn and the coven to cast the spell.

The only reason we’re in this run-down cemetery is because Giles heard some rumblings that the First had been sighted here a handful of times over the last few days. We don’t even know what this thing looks like, but from what Angel filled us in on before we left, it can take form of anyone, anything that has died. Could be someone from the past that knows us, or someone random. Whatever it is, I ain’t too impatient to find out.

I pull out my cigarettes from my pocket and light one, watching the smoke as it curls up into the night sky. I hear footsteps behind me and I leap off the headstone, already reaching for the stake inside my jacket.

“There you are,” Buffy sighs as she steps out from behind a row of bushes. “I was looking everywhere for you.”

“Barely moved from this spot since we got here, B. This place is a bust. Let’s get out of here and hit up Restfield. Always got vamps crawling around there and if not, we can always find Spike and throw down with him a little.”

I laugh but Buffy barely cracks a smile. “We should stay here,” she says sternly and I shrug, trying to ignore that tone in her voice that bugs me. “Did you even go looking around at all?”

“Sure,” I reply and she looks at me, completely skeptical. “From what I can see, B, ain’t nobody or nothing been in this place for a long time. Whoever told Giles this “information” just fed him a pile of lies to throw us off the real trail here.”

“We’re staying.”

“ _You_ can stay and I’m gonna go grab myself a bite to eat. Ya find something, come find me.”

“Faith,” she snaps and it stops me from walking away. I turn to look at her and she’s clearly pissed right off at me right now. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? The hell, B? What’s got your panties in a twist tonight? It’s just a stupid routine patrol and we’re out looking for something we don’t even know what the hell it even looks like!”

Buffy laughs and it’s a laugh I’ve never heard from her before. I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I take another real long hard look at her. There’s definitely something different about her. Her attitude is all wrong and by wrong, it seems forced. There’s even a glint of something evil in her eyes and I take a few steps back, knowing this isn’t Buffy in front of me. It’s the First Evil.

“Took you long enough to figure out.”

“The hell you want?” I ask and “Buffy” laughs as she takes a few steps closer to me. “Where is she?”

“Off looking for little ‘ol me. Turns out that I’m not planning to meet her face to face just yet, but you on the other hand, I’ve been hearing many great things about you, Faith. It’s just a shame you went and paid for your crimes and now you’re stuck on a never-ending path to redemption. You could’ve been on our side.”

“Even if I was the person I used to be, no way in hell would I ever choose your side.”

The First shifted into Mayor Wilkins and I feel a little weak, a little sick to my stomach. His smile made me uncomfortable and I step back a few more steps, nearly tripping over the headstone I’d been sitting on before.

“Now, now, Faith, is that any way to treat an old friend?”

“Friend? Hardly.”

“I’m right you know,” it says, laughing in the way only the Mayor could laugh that sounded so innocent and simply evil at the same time. “You would’ve come to this side. You were on his,” it says as he points to himself. “It’s just a darn shame things didn’t work out in the end, isn’t it? It would’ve made this world so much easier to come back to.”

I don’t say anything and I finish off my cigarette, tossing it to the ground aimlessly. I look around, hoping to hell Buffy is seriously gonna show up any minute now, but there’s nothing, no footsteps and I can’t even feel her near.

The First shifts back into looking like Buffy and I wanna tell it off, tell it to be someone else, _anyone_ else but her. I bite my tongue. I have no idea what this thing is capable of or if it even has any kind of power. I ain’t smart mouthing something that basically created all evil in this world.

“It’s funny, isn’t it?”

“What is?”

“How you truly believed you had changed your life, your past and the future,” the First chuckled and I cringe. “Olivia had me convinced you’d fall for it. I’m sorry to say I ever doubted her. It was quite a ride, wasn’t it, Faithy?”

“Was fun while it lasted,” I say with a smirk, trying not to give in and show the First how fucking scared I am.

“I know what she told you,” it says as it comes closer to me and I can’t help but reach out, my hand going right through its shoulder. I feel a bit relieved knowing the rumours are true. It’s non-corporeal still. “Things about me, about our plans. It can’t happen yet. It’s far too soon.”

“You’re telling me this because?”

“Now, I’m not one to kill my own family,” it laughs as it starts to walk in slow circles around me. “She did create me to create evil and chaos in this world. Unfortunately, being grounded for nearly an eternity really makes a child hate its mother, if you know what I mean? I think you do.”

I don’t get where this thing is taking this conversation or why it’s even bothering to tell me anything. What’s the deal with the big bads telling me their evil plans? Isn’t the last thing they want and need is a Slayer to know what they’re planning? It doesn’t make any sense.

Yet before the First can say anything more, it disappears into thin air. Within seconds of the First disappearing, Buffy comes around from the same place it first appeared to me. I look at her, skeptical, wondering if this is just another one of its tricks. She walks up to me and she looks at me curiously before she places a soft hand on my shoulder.

“Are you okay, Faith? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“Something like that,” I manage to say just barely above a whisper. “Shit, B, let’s get the hell out of here, yeah?”

“Faith?” Buffy holds on to my arm to keep me from walking away from her. “Were you talking to someone before I found you? Talk to me.”

“The First,” I mutter. “Showed up wearing your skin. Thought it was you at first, but I knew something was off.”

“What?” Buffy looks floored and she drops her hand from my arm. “The First showed itself to you? Wearing _my_ skin? What did it say to you?”

“Nothing,” I say as I try to shake it off. “Just tried to fuck with my head, that’s all. Let’s just get out of here.”

She reaches out for me again and I have no doubt in my mind she knows I’m scared. I just don’t want to be touched by her right now and I shrug her off and storm away from her. I pick up my pace and run out of the cemetery, not stopping after I reach the street. Giles’ car is parked just up the road and I hop in the front seat. I’m not that big of an asshole to drive off without her, leaving her stranded in a part of town where it’d take her hours to get home on foot.

Buffy is pissed when she finally makes it to the car and gets in the passenger seat. She reaches over and punches me hard in the shoulder, muttering “asshole” under her breath as I start up the car. I know Buffy is gonna start talking, going off on me for not talking to her about what had happened and what the First had said to me, so I crank up the radio and drive fast through the dark streets of Sunnydale, running a few stop signs before I hit a red light.

I don’t know why, but I start thinking of that trip we made down to LA. It seems like it happened forever ago when I know it wasn’t even that long ago. How did everything get from there to here so fucking fast? Even as complicated as things were, it was still before everything went to shit and before we fucked in that abandoned building and basically changed _everything_ between us.

As much as I know I love her, and I’ll admit it freely now ‘cause there’s no point in trying to deny the fact that I do love her more than anyone I’ve ever loved in my life--which is next to nobody, I’d do anything to take back what happened that night. I pull over to the side of the road and slam on the breaks. I hear Buffy gasp beside me as I shut off the car, everything falling into silence aside from the odd cricket chirping in the grassy field next to us.

“What the hell?” Buffy mutters as she adjusts her seatbelt. “What are you doing, Faith?”

“We need to talk,” I state as I look over at her and she just raises an eyebrow at me. “I mean, seriously talk about what’s going on with us, B. I’m tired of dancing around the fucking obvious here.”

“What’s so obvious?”

“Where do I even start?” I laugh and she looks so damn confused right now. Can’t blame her for that. “This thing that’s going on between us, it’s all sorts of fucked up, you know that right?”

“Faith--”

“If you hadn’t died and was brought back from fucking Heaven feeling like a lost little girl void of emotions and unable to feel shit, we wouldn’t even be here right now. Face it, B, you would’ve killed me before I had the chance to even kiss you, but now? Now you want it--you want me--and it’s _fucked_ , okay!”

“Faith, please calm down,” she says softly as she reaches over for my hand. I’m gripping the steering wheel so tight I can barely feel her hand on mine. “You are wrong.”

“About what?”

“That if what happened to me never happened that _this_ wouldn’t be happening between us. You’re so wrong. I may have always been confused and in denial when it came to you, but when I came back I…” she trails off as she takes her hand off mine and buries her face in her hands. She’s crying. I sigh heavily and let go of the steering wheel and turn to look at her. “I don’t know what it is or why, but since you found me that night, the only thing I can physically feel is the connection we have and I was so tired of trying to fight it. I gave in. I _wanted_ it even if it is fucked up.”

Buffy furiously wipes at the tears on her face and turns to look over at me. I don’t know what to say and I’m afraid if I open my mouth, I’ll come off as an even bigger asshole than I already am.

“What will make this better, Faith?”

“Don’t know if anything can.”

“Can we start over?”

“Bit too late for that, don’t ya think?”

I don’t see the slap coming, but it stings like a bitch. She scrambles to get her seatbelt off and she gets out of the car, slamming the door behind her. I can only sit here and watch her as she walks at the side of the road, walking fast but not quite running to get away from me. I get out of the car and run to catch up to her. Every time I reach out for her, she turns and pushes me away from her, each time harder than the last.

“Fuck, B, would you quit it?” I yell at her and she stops walking. She spins around to look at me and she sends me hurling to the ground with a swift uppercut to my chin. “This your idea of starting over? ‘Cause it fucking sucks!”

“You said it’s too late to start over,” she snaps at me and I get up from the ground, still feeling that punch. Hurts like a bitch. “So let me ask you this, Faith. Why would I even try to make things better if _you_ don’t even want it to be?”

“Never said that.”

“You’re impossible, you know that?”

“Nah, I just like to make life fucking impossible when it doesn’t need to be.”

“So last night meant absolutely nothing to you?”

“Didn’t say that, B. Stop putting words into my mouth,” I snap at her and she looks so furious right now I know I gotta keep my distance. I should’ve never said anything. Every time I open my mouth, it ends in disaster. “It meant everything to me and you know that. I just don’t like how fucked up everything else is between us. Sex? Having sex with you is the easy part. I want _more_ and I’m too fucking scared to take that step and I know you are too! Giles was right. What’s going on between us is far from being normal and healthy. We’re so far past the point of starting over now.”

Look at me. I’m a fucking emotional wreck. I hate this part of me. It’s the side of me I’ve always hidden and ignored for far too long and for good reason too. If I let my emotions control me, I probably never would have made it this far in life.

“More?” Buffy asks, her voice soft and quiet. She takes a step towards me and I back away. “I’m not going to hit you again,” she says as she rolls her eyes. “Tell me what you mean by more, Faith?”

“Starting to think all those hallucinations had to mean something, had to come from somewhere, you know? Everything I saw in them, that’s how I wanted my life to be. I just want to know what it’s like to be loved, to have a family and friends who fucking care about me and to have someone to call my own. I’ve always wanted the things that are impossible, out of reach, and you’re one of those things, Buffy. You’re someone that I don’t even deserve to have in my life, as a friend or anything else.”

“Don’t say that,” she says with a frown. “You know that’s not true, Faith. It’s different now. Everything is different now. I care about you. You do have friends who care about you. _Our_ friends care about you. I never realized how much they did until you went missing and all they cared about was finding you before you wound up dead.”

I’m not gonna get all worked up over this shit. I turn and head back to the car with Buffy hot on my heels. I shake my head, fighting off the tears, wondering when I came back down to this level. I thought I had it together, thought I had it all figured out and was moving on in my life. What Olivia and Roman did to me is far worse than fucking with me, they fucked with my feelings. God damn it.

This is exactly what they wanted. They wanted me to be such an emotional mess that I can’t focus on the bigger picture here. Sad to say, they’re succeeding and I don’t know how to stop myself from feeling this way. It seems like I can’t.

“What we have is far from perfect, Faith!” Buffy yells out at me as I hop into the car. She’s right in beside me in a matter of seconds. “You can’t expect perfect. Not here, not with the lives we have. It’s not wrong, either, okay?”

“Then why is it so fucking hard?”

“I ask myself that same question every day,” she admits and she leans over and hugs me tight. “God, Faith, what did they do to you?”

“Fucked with me. Big time,” I mutter as I push her away from me. “Don’t worry about it, B. I ain’t in a good place right now, but it’ll pass. I need some time, some space. Last night--” _shouldn’t have happened_. I don’t say it and I don’t need to. She knows.

“Faith?” Buffy asks and I just stare at her, wondering what more she’s gotta say. “What is going on between us? Is it honestly just sex or is it something more? I can’t stand this back and forth that’s been going on. I just want a straight answer here.”

“Ain’t nothing straight about what’s going on between us,” I chuckle and she lets a smile slip out at that. “We both want something more, yeah? Well, it’s not gonna happen when we’re both too fucking chicken-shit to do anything about it.”

“Why are you scared?”

“Because it’s _you_ , B!” I blurt out and I sigh heavily. “I’ve wanted you for a long fucking time, since that night we first met. Always figured the only way I’d have you is in my dreams that overlap the nightmares. For us to be in the middle of a fucked up semi-relationship here, it seems fucking unreal to me so yeah, it scares the hell out of me. More than the First scared me tonight. More than when I’d be left alone as a child while my mother went out drinking and came home with random men at all hours of the night.”

Might as well just lay all my fucking cards out on the table for her to see. What do I got to lose now?

“What if I told you I’m not going to be so chicken-shit about this whole thing from this moment on?” Buffy asks me and I shrug, not too sure how to answer that. “I know it’s hard and it’s different, but you were right when you said that love is love. I’ve already died and gone to heaven and was brought back here to what feels like hell. And yet, being with you and the way you make me feel when we aren’t doing _this_ , it makes me feel happy, loved, and at peace with myself.”

I don’t say anything. What can I say to all of that? She’s stunned me into silence and I take my eyes off her as I slide the key into the ignition. I don’t start the car and I just stare out at the road ahead of me. It’s dark, empty, and too quiet.

“So,” she sighs and I see her slump in her seat looking a bit rejected. “I’m going to ask you one more time, can we start over?”

“And by starting over, you mean what exactly, B?”

“Like we go out on dates, get to know each other. You know the normal dating thing everyone does with someone they like--or in our case, love.”

“Does this mean I gotta wait for you to put out?” I ask, laughing a little and trying shamelessly to make light of this whole conversation. Buffy laughs too and I look at her, smiling like an idiot. “That wasn’t a no, was it?”

“Wasn’t a yes either,” she quips and I wink at her as I start the engine and reach for the radio to turn the volume down. “So, what do you say?”

“Never actually dated anyone before, B, you know that.”

“Just because you’ve never done something, doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of doing it right.”

“If ya say so.”

“I know so,” she laughs and I pull away from the side of the road and head for the Summers’ house to drop Buffy off for the night.

I smile when Buffy reaches for my hand and laces our fingers together. Even as bipolar as I’m feeling today, it relaxes me just feeling her holding my hand like this. It’s something I could get used to. Not overnight, but in time. I know how I felt before about having anything with Buffy while we’ve got all this other shit on our plates to deal with, but she’s being insistent and who am I to turn her away when I’m the one she needs and wants the most right now?

I pull up in the driveway and put the car in park. I leave the engine running as we both get out of the car. Buffy just gives me this weird look as I lead the way to the front door and stop her from going inside. I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear before I lean in and give her a soft, chaste kiss. Just as I’m about to pull back, trying to leave it as it is and say goodnight, she wraps her arms around me and kisses me nice and deep.

Her hands slip inside my jacket and around my back and I can’t stop the moan that slips out. The things this woman does to me. Jesus. I pull back from her lips and just stare into her eyes for a moment. I don’t know why I keep getting so down on myself and make everything so fucking complicated when everything I want is right here in front of me.

“I should go,” I say and she nods her head a little but doesn’t let go of me. “B?”

“Hmm?”

“Night,” I whisper and she says goodnight back, barely whispering it. I watch as she unlocks the front door and heads inside before I go back to the car and get in.

I pull out of the driveway but stop in front of the house. I see her bedroom light flip on and her shadow just beyond the closed curtains. This feeling of happiness all but disappears the second I feel the cool metal of a gun at the back of my neck.

“Drive,” Olivia says from behind me and I ease my foot on the gas pedal. “Now.”

“Stealthy, Liv,” I say as I look at her in the review mirror.

“Shut up and drive.”

Well, this day just keeps gets better and better.

I roll my eyes and drive, making a few turns when she snaps at me to. We’re headed out of town, that much I know as she instructs me to get on the highway. When I feel the gun ease off the back of my neck as I speed down the two-lane highway, I manage to slide my cell phone out of my pocket without Olivia noticing. I bring up Willow’s number and send her a text. “Liv has me. Location unknown” and I make sure it’s sent before I tuck it back into my pocket.

I glance back at her in the review mirror and if she saw me sending Willow a text, she doesn’t say anything. She’s just staring straight ahead, looking right back at me in the mirror. I offer her a snarky smile and she places the gun back at my neck.

“Turn off at the next road,” she says and I give a little nod, looking for the next road, but don’t see it anywhere. “Here!” Olivia yells, whacking the gun against the back of my head. I slam on the breaks and make the turn down what I know is most definitely not a road. “Drive until I say stop.”

I feel my cell buzz and I got my fingers mentally crossed Olivia didn’t hear it go off. I spot a sign by a shack and I know exactly where we are. I slip the cell phone out of my pocket and send my location to Willow, not even bothering to read her text she’d sent me back.

“Here,” Olivia says and I quickly put my cell back into my pocket and come to a stop. She gets out of the car and pulls me out by my jacket before I can even shut the car off. “Walk,” she demands as she pushes me forward and I walk, not daring to try to pull any shit with her.

“Where we going, Liv? You and your boy-toy gonna fuck with my head some more?” I ask her bitterly and she just laughs as she walks next to me and casually drapes her arm over my shoulders.

“Nah, we’ve had our fun with that,” she chuckles and gives me a squeeze. “You and Buffy were sure looking cozy tonight. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess you two worked some things out?”

I don’t say anything as she leads me to a patch of trees. I’ve been here before. I shudder as I try not to remember coming through here back before I hit up Sunnydale, running from Kakistos. The train tracks aren’t too far from here. I hated hiding out here for a night but I remember being far too tired to keep going. We pass the tree I carved my name in and Olivia comes to a stop and places her hand over the carving, a small smile curling over her lips as she does.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but I do know this is one crazy bitch.

All I can do is hope to hell Willow and the coven can assemble and get their asses over here to perform that spell of theirs to banish Olivia and Roman to another dimension before they all but disappear again.


	27. Chapter Twenty-Seven

** Chapter Twenty-Seven **

 

Roman is waiting by a small fire when we reach him. He doesn’t look very happy as he looks over at me. He says something to Olivia in Spanish and she yells right back at him. I just stand there, amused as they start fighting, pointing at me and yelling some more. Now I don’t know a lot of Spanish, never cared to learn any other language actually, but I know he keeps calling her a crazy bitch and I’m trying so hard not to laugh.

I look around at where we are and I can tell they’ve been camping here for the last couple of days. There’s a tent pitched, supplies all over and a line hanging with clothes drying on it. As powerful as these two are, this is what it’s come down to? Camping in a patch of trees in the fucking Californian desert? They could’ve left, could’ve gone off somewhere exotic where we’d never find them, but they’ve chosen to stay just outside of town.

Now the question is why. Why are they still here? I’ve gotta try to figure out their real motive here and what they’re really planning, but it’s hard when they’re both bat-shit crazy.

I feel two buzzes come from my cell and I know that’s a sign. We already have signals, all of us for when we’re in trouble. It’s just a damn shame I never had my cell on me when I was taken that night. At least now I can relax knowing the others are on their way to find us.

I could run, probably even make it back to the car before these two can stop arguing long enough to realize I’ve taken off. But if I do that, we’re gonna lose the window of opportunity to do the spell and get rid of these assholes for the time being.

I pull out my cigarettes and light one, leaning casually against the tree next to me as I watch the two continue to yell at each other in Spanish and possibly another language. Roman looks over at me and he’s pure of rage and fury. It does scare me a little since I ain’t sure what he’s planning to do. Either of them can kill me in a second, without warning and without much effort on their part. I just hope to hell that it doesn’t come down to that.

“You!” Roman yells as he lunges towards me and yet, before he can get close to me, Olivia has him reigned in and on the ground. “She needs to be eliminated!” Roman yells as Olivia walks past him, shaking her head.

“Nobody is going to be eliminated, love,” she says calmly as she walks up to me and takes the cigarette away from me. “Not yet,” she says to me. “You don’t need to worry, Faithy. I didn’t bring you here to kill you.”

“Then why am I here?”

She clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth and takes a long drag of my cigarette before handing it back to me. She ain’t gonna tell me. I can tell by the look on her face. Fine by me. Just as long as they don’t fuck with me anymore, I’ll stay and be calm about this whole situation. What else can I do?

“You two are sure living it up out here,” I say with a laugh as I point around to their little campsite. “I got a question for ya, Liv. If you two are avoiding us, why the hell did you come looking for me tonight and bring me here?”

“You’re something special, Faith, more than you’ll ever know. We need something from you and I will only ask you once before I use force to take it.”

I stare her down hard and shake my head no. She pulls out a long, skinny dagger and holds it to my throat. I freeze instantly, not daring to move. She has this crazy look in her eyes and I don’t wanna see how far she’s gonna go with this.

“I thought you weren’t gonna kill me?” I whisper and she laughs as she drags the tip of the dagger across my throat.

“I’m not,” she says and she looks over at Roman. She snaps her fingers and he’s up off the ground in a second. “He will if you fight him.”

“What do you want from me?” I ask and she laughs as Roman comes to stand at her side.

“Slayer blood is a rare delicacy,” Roman drawls as he takes the dagger from Olivia’s hand and traces it over my pulse point. “It’s something we were taking from you while we had you drugged.”

Damn.

I feel sick to my stomach as I feel Roman press the tip of the blade just shy of my pulse point. It breaks the skin just enough to let a trickle of blood come out. I feel Olivia grab me from behind, keeping me steady as Roman leans in to lick the blood from my neck. I feel the fangs sink in a second later and my legs nearly give out.

“Damn,” I groan and I try to keep calm. “Didn’t know you were a vamp, Roman.”

“He’s not,” Olivia snaps. “But he is equipped to feed himself when needed.”

I close my eyes tight and fight through the pain. I try to keep calm, knowing if my heart speeds up, it’ll give him more to drink. Olivia’s grip on me tightens for a second before she pulls me away from Roman, yelling at him in Spanish. She lets me fall to the ground as she walks over to him and slaps him hard across his face.

I lay on the ground and bring my hand up to the puncture wound on my neck. The blood is trickling out, but not gushing as I expected it to be. Everything is spinning, likely from the blood loss, but I get to my feet and use the tree to steady myself. I pull my hand away from my neck and watch my blood as it runs down my fingers.

The two of them stop yelling and I watch as they give each other long, lingering looks before they’re in each other’s arms, kissing madly. I groan in disgust and use this window of opportunity to pull out my cell and check the messages Willow had sent me. I sigh in relief when I see they’re on their way, ready to banish these two crazy fuckers to another dimension. Now the tricky part is to keep them preoccupied while Willow and the coven perform the spell just out of sight. But now that I think about it, it won’t be too hard if these two keep making out like a couple of horny teenagers.

I slink down against the tree and sit down, feeling weak but already feeling my strength fighting to make my body recover. Perks of being a slayer. Doesn’t always suck, just takes time.

I don’t know how much time has passed, but when I feel my phone go off again, I know Willow and the others are here. I relax and watch Olivia and Roman as they disappear inside their tent. A smile creeps over my face thinking of how fucking easy this is turning out to be.

Not to jinx it or anything.

I pull out my cell and read the text. Willow and the coven are barely fifty feet away. I look around, trying to figure out which direction they are in and then I see Willow, just faintly and she waves over at me. I wave back and struggle to get to my feet. I know I gotta get my ass out of the way or I’ll end up being sent to whatever hell dimension those two crazy fuckers are being sent to. I start walking towards Willow and the coven, nearly collapsing as I make it to them.

“Faith, are you all right?” Willow asks as she grabs my shoulders to look at the wound on my neck. “What happened?”

“Tell ya later. Get your witch mojo going, Red. Ain’t gonna have a whole lot of time before those two aren’t preoccupied with fucking each other’s brains out.”

Willow laughs a little before joining the coven in the circle. I see Selwyn at the center, already chanting as she paces, her hands held out towards the sky.

I move back and light another cigarette as I watch the spell unfolding before my eyes. I don’t know what I expected, maybe some crazy lights or something. Smoke and mirrors kind of magic. But all there is, is an electricity feeling in the air that makes my hair on my arms stand right up. I keep thinking this is all too fucking easy, that everything somehow worked out just perfectly in our favour tonight.

I hear Olivia and Roman still, only faintly. But their screams aren’t those of passion, they’re of pain. I chuckle as I continue to watch Selwyn as she stops pacing and tilts her head up towards the sky. A big bright light shoots out from her and yeah, it’s pretty fucking scary looking light.

The light is so bright I have to look away. It’s brighter than sunlight on the sunniest, clearest day. When it fades, I feel like I’ve been blinded but as the seconds tick away, my eyes readjust to the darkness and I see the entire coven laying on the ground, motionless. Willow is the first to rise to her feet and I see her hair has turned stark white. Weird.

“Red, you okay?” I ask as I manage to make my way over to her. “Willow?” I try again when she doesn’t answer me. She laughs like she’s higher than a kite and I pull her away from the others. “Yo, you all right there, Willow?”

“That was great,” she breathes out, laughing as the others start to get up from the ground, their hair as white as Willow’s as well. “The magic. The energy. It felt so pure, so good.”

“That’s great. Did it work?” I ask impatiently and she nods her head and giggles again.

I head back to the campsite to check for myself. The tent is in ashes and the faintest outline of Roman and Olivia’s bodies can be seen in the middle of the remains of the tent. I breathe a sigh of relief and just stand there while the coven comes to me.

“It is over,” Selwyn says as she places a hand on my shoulder. “They are where they need to be.”

“Far from over,” I mutter as I turn to her. “They might not be here, but the First is.”

“Ah yes,” she nods sadly. “Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do as of yet. That all rests upon your shoulders, as well as Buffy’s. Only a slayer can put a stop to what is coming.”

“So, we can stop it?”

“Nothing is written in stone, child, but you must try. Try with all that you have. Rest assured, this will make things slightly more difficult for the First Evil, but not impossible. Without his two allies here, his Mother and Brother, he has to find another. Someone willing to be his vessel. You have time,” Selwyn says and I just stare at her, wondering if she knows a helluva lot more than what she’s revealed. “You have time. At year at most before things change, before the world changes. Live life now as if it’s your last. Love as you have never loved before,” she finishes and winks at me before she walks away.

“Okay,” I laugh and Willow joins me, her hair already fading back into its natural colour. “Well, that was pretty easy, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she nods and shrugs. “But hey, I’ll take easy any day!”

“Me too,” I reply and we both laugh. “The coven sure got here fast.”

“Teleporting. Selwyn tells me that I’m not ready to learn, but one day she’ll teach me all I need to know.”

“Teleporting? That shit is real?” I ask and Willow nods as she points over to the coven. I watch as one by one they disappear into thin air. “Damn,” I chuckle and I look over at Selwyn. “So, you’re going too?”

“I must. We must prepare for what is coming,” she nods in reply. “Willow, do keep in touch with myself and with Althenea in Devon.”

“I will,” Willow smiles and she hugs Selwyn before stepping away quickly to watch as she disappears just as the others had. “Faith, you’re still bleeding,” she says as she turns to me. I try to shrug it off, but she places her hand over the puncture wound on my neck. I feel a slight burning as she closes her eyes and just like that, she takes her hand away. “Just a little trick Selwyn taught me.”

“You fucking healed me? With magic?” I ask as I run my fingers over my now smooth skin. “Damn, that’s some crazy shit right there, Red. What else can you do? Got any other hidden surprises in your magic hat?”

“I don’t own a magic hat, silly,” Willow laughs and we head out of the woods and back to Giles’ car together. “How do you always end up in these situations?”

“Unlucky,” I reply with a shrug as we get in the car. “But luckily for me, I did and now they’re gone. They’re really gone, right? It’s not just an illusion that they’re gone?”

“They’re gone,” Willow says and she sighs heavily as she leans back in the passenger seat. “Is it just me or do you feel really relieved right now?”

“Just a bit. Got something bigger to deal with here, Red.”

“Right. The First Evil. Evil-snivel.”

I laugh at the way she’s being, drunk with magic. I’ve never seen this side to Willow before. It’s pretty fucking amusing to say the least. I drive back to Sunnydale and by the time I reach the Summers’ house, Willow is passed out cold and snoring. Tara is the first to come running out of the house and straight to the car. I get out and carry Willow up to the house while Tara is throwing a barrage of questions at me. I ignore her as I carry Willow up to her and Tara’s room and put her down on the bed.

Tara stops with the questions and just hugs me tight, whispering thank you in my ear before she leads me out of the bedroom and shuts the door behind us. I see Buffy come up the stairs and she just smiles at me before she wraps her arms around me to hug me even tighter than Tara just did.

“What happened out there tonight, Faith?” Buffy asks and I motion for us to head downstairs to have this conversation in the living room.

“After I dropped you off, B, I was gonna head home and that little bitch Olivia snuck in the car and had a gun to my head,” I say and Tara’s eyes go wide with shock as Buffy just stares at me, fully concerned. “I wasn’t gonna fight her off, you know? Saw it as an opportunity to get rid of ‘em for good. Went along for the ride and got in touch with Red to let her know where to find us.”

“Do yourself and all of us a huge favor and stop getting taken by a couple of baddies, okay?” Buffy says and I laugh. “I just got you back after two weeks, Faith. I don’t ever want to go through all that again.”

“What was the spell like?” Tara asks as we sit down on the couch together and I shrug as I take a deep breath.

“It was pretty intense,” I say honestly. “Selwyn did most of the spell from the looks of things.”

I try to answer more of Tara’s questions, but I can’t help but notice the way Buffy keeps staring at me. I can’t figure her out or why she’s looking at me like that. The look in her eyes is fucking intense and it’s a bit scary ‘cause I ain’t so sure if she wants to kick my ass for getting myself into another fucked up situation or kiss me to death for coming back alive.

“It’s late,” Buffy says before Tara can ask me anything else. “Why don’t we just get some sleep and Will can fill you in on everything in the morning?”

“Okay,” Tara says softly, nodding her head as she gets up from the couch. “Good night, Buffy. Good night, Faith.”

“Night,” I smile back at her and turn to Buffy, waiting until I hear Tara in her and Willow’s bedroom before I pull Buffy towards me and kiss her softly. “Night, B. Again,” I chuckle and I stand up from the couch only to be pulled right back down. “Come on, B. It’s been a long fucking day and we both need to sleep.”

“Stay,” she pleads softly. “Please?”

“Can’t.”

“Why?”

“You know why, B. If I stay, neither of us will be sleeping at all tonight.”

She pouts and I lean in to kiss the pout away. God, the things she does to me. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how she makes me feel. I’m still worried about her though, mostly about her mental stability. And I worry that once she’s completely back to being her old self, that things between us will go one of two ways. Either forward from this point on, or take a giant leap backwards that’ll end up with her pushing me out of her life for good.

“B, I’m gonna go home and get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning--well, afternoon and we’ll train at the Magic Box for a couple hours, okay?”

“Fine,” she grunts and lets me get up from the couch. She walks me to the front door and stops me before I can open it. “Just stop getting yourself taken by the baddies, okay?”

“No promises, B. You aren’t the only one who wants me,” I laugh and she rolls her eyes. “I’m a hot commodity here, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh I’ve noticed all right,” she says under her breath and lets me open the front door. She stands there and watches me as I make my way to the car and hop in the driver’s seat.

This time she stays there until I pull out of the driveway and drive down the street. Can’t blame her for wanting me to stay after what just happened to me. At least this time I make it home safe and sound, but the sun is already starting to rise and I know Giles is gonna be awake the second I walk through the door ready to fire a million questions at me I just don’t wanna answer until I’ve had at least nine hours of sleep.

Thankfully, I get lucky and he’s fast asleep on a cot he’s set up in the living room for himself. I head straight up to the bedroom and collapse on the bed, barely able to keep my eyes open long enough to kick off my boots before I give into the pull of sleep.

****

I need a serious vacation from my life right about now. I’m purposely avoiding going down to the Magic Box right now and instead I’m walking the streets of Sunnydale at four in the afternoon, counting down the hours until sunset. Somehow I end up in Restfield at Angel’s old mansion. I get a feeling he’s been staying there since he’s come back to Sunnydale. We haven’t had much of a chance to talk, barely at all when I think of it. I know it’s still too early, but with Angel I can almost guarantee he won’t be sleeping right now.

I let myself in the side door and see him sitting by the fireplace, reading a book. He looks up at me and smiles as I quickly shut the door and the light out. Before I can get a word out, Angel has his arms wrapped tightly around me.

“Nice to see you too, big guy,” I laugh as he lets me go.

“I’ve been worried about you,” he says and I shrug as I take a seat on the couch. “It never ceases to amaze me the kind of situations you manage to get yourself into, Faith.”

“You know me, always the unlucky one,” I chuckle and he just shakes his head, fighting off the smile I know is just dying to come out. “How long you planning to stay?”

“Not long,” he replies as he sits down next to me. “I’m leaving tonight.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve been here for two weeks helping the others track you down, Faith. I can’t stay any longer than I need to. I’m needed down in LA.”

“I know, just miss having you around, that’s all. Miss those long, heartfelt talks about random shit we’d have when ya came to visit me.”

That brings the smile out and he wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Faith, you need to be more aware of what is happening around you. What’s happened to you since Buffy came back? You aren’t the same. You’re acting careless and making poor decisions.”

“Long story.”

“I’ve got plenty of time,” he says softly and I shake my head no. The last thing I want to do is tell him I’m fucking his ex-girlfriend. “Faith?”

“Angel, it’s a long story and I don’t think it’s one ya wanna hear right now.”

“Try me.”

“I--”

“What’s going on with you and Buffy?” Angel cuts me off and I get up from the couch, not wanting to be too close to him right now in case something I say sets him off. “I know there’s something going on with you two. I could sense it the moment I showed up to help them look for you.”

“It’s complicated,” I sigh and I hold my breath, watching his reaction. His face is expressionless and he’s being patient with me right now. Too patient. “You know how I feel about her and you know the way she makes me feel sometimes, I can’t control it. I just give in ‘cause it’s easier to give in than to shut it out and run away.”

I think he knows what’s going on between me and Buffy, but he’s just waiting for me to say it to him. Wish it was just that easy. He might be Angel and I do love him in the weirdest way, like a brother, but he and Buffy have history together and I know that he still loves her. I just don’t know how he’d feel knowing I have her in ways he never could.

Angel just continues to stare at me and I feel a little uncomfortable with all this awkward silence between us. I sit back down on the couch when he motions for me to and I breathe out heavily as I lower my head.

“Faith, please talk to me,” he says softly and I nearly jump when he puts a hand on my shoulder. “I know there’s something going on between you two. You probably think I’m going to react badly if you say it.”

“Right.”

“Faith?”

“What, Angel?” I snap and I try to calm down. He just wants to talk and here I am making this whole thing way worse than it actually is. “What do you want me to say? I told you, it’s complicated okay. After all the shit I’ve been through lately, I just want a serious break here.”

“Come to LA for a couple of days.”

“I wish.”

“Faith,” he sighs and I look over at him with a frown. “I know you have things going on here you can’t quite run away from, but if you need a break and I know you do. You should come with me to LA. Just for a weekend. Buffy can handle the slaying while you’re gone.”

Going to LA for a weekend sounds so very tempting. Just the kind of vacation from my life that I need right now. I don’t want to go but I know I _need_ to or everything that’s been going on here in Sunnydale is gonna end up driving me bat-shit crazy.

“When do we leave?”

“In an hour,” Angel replies with a ghost of a smile dancing over his lips. “Go talk to Giles and I’ll come around and pick you up.”

I resist the urge to hug him and I leave, heading straight for the Magic Box to talk to Giles about my spontaneous and much needed mini-vacation to LA for a weekend.

I don’t know what it is, but I feel a mix of happy and worried. Angel is right though. Buffy can handle the slaying for a weekend. She did it for years alone without me, what difference will one little weekend make?

Just jinxed it, didn’t I?


	28. Chapter Twenty-Eight

** Chapter Twenty-Eight **

 

I don’t know what it is about LA, but soon as we got here, I felt right at home. Angel went to check his messages in his office and I headed to the kitchen with hopes in finding something half-decent to eat. no surprise there’s nothing but beer in the fridge and an empty pizza box on the counter. I head back out to the lobby and nearly run into Gunn as he comes running in the back door. He looks stunned for a split second before he pulls me in for a tight hug.

Cordy comes out from behind the desk, pulls Gunn away from me, and yells at him to put his weapons away where they belong. I laugh at the tone in her voice and she turns to me, giving me a cold stare before she hugs me. This is turning into a giant hug-fest and I’m not entirely comfortable with it.

I hear Angel laughing in his office and I roll my eyes as I push Cordy off of me. she pouts and steps back, crossing her arms over her chest and just glares at me.

It isn’t long before Cordy is firing a million questions at me about what had been happening in Sunnydale. I patiently answer every one of them, eyeing Gunn and the weapons he’s gathering that are scattered around the lobby. When she notices my attention is no longer on her, she storms off back behind the desk and picks up her nail file, looking royally bored and pissed off.

“Yo,” I say to Gunn as I walk over to the weapons chest. “Got any new, pretty toys I can test out?”

“I do, but you’re not here to work.”

“Who says slaying is work?” I ask with a laugh. He chuckles and hands me a brand new mini crossbow. “Wicked. What’s the range on this thing?”

“Far,” he smirks and I examine the weapon. It’s light and easy to use and reload from the looks of it. “How about you come with me later and you can test it out? Heard of a nest of demons crawling around and was planning to take them out tonight.”

“By yourself?”

“Yep,” he says with a nod as I hand the crossbow back to him. He puts it away in the chest and shuts the doors. “What do you say, Faith? Come kick some nasty demon ass with me?”

“No,” Cordy says and she’s right there next to us. “She is _not_ here to work. Faith, where are you staying?”

“Uh, here?”

“No,” she says as she grabs my arm and tugs me towards the front door. “Grab your bag,” she instructs as she points to my bag on the sofa. “You are coming to stay with me this weekend and don’t even try to talk your way out of it. I need some serious girl bonding time and Fred hardly shows her face long enough to have some fun around here!”

I laugh and grab my bag, waving goodbye to Angel as he leans back in his chair to look out of his office at the events that are unfolding. He gives a little nod and I follow Cordy out of the Hyperion and to a flashy little white sports car parked behind Angel’s car out front.

“Nice wheels, Cordy,” I say as I let out a low whistle. She laughs and unlocks the doors. I get in the passenger seat and fling my bag into the back seat. “What’s the deal here, Cordy?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Why are you really getting me outta there? There ain’t anything going on around here you guys don’t want me knowing about, is there?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Faith. I told you, I’m in need for some serious girl bonding time!”

I just stare at her like she’s grown two heads. Or five. She laughs and pulls away from the curb, speeding through the busy LA traffic and driving like a complete maniac. I don’t think I’ve ever feared for my life more in a vehicle than I do right now. I grab on to the door and try to stay calm. Cordy glances over at me and laughs as she comes to a hard stop at a red light, just barely missing the car in front of her.

“And this girl bonding thing?” I say through gritted teeth. “It’s not you trying to kill me, is it?”

“Oh no, we’re stopping at my place to get changed into more suitable clothing.”

“Why?”

“We’re going dancing!”

I groan as she steps on the gas, nearly sideswiping the car in front of us as she drives past it. This is gonna be a fun night. Bonding with Cordelia Chase? Guess I can cross that one off the bucket list.

****

The club Cordy brought me to is definitely not something I expected. I barely even caught the name as she dragged me to the front door and the bouncer let us right in despite the lineup halfway down the block. The music is pumping, it’s dark aside from the flashing lights on the huge dance floor. She leads the way over to the neon lit bar along the side and takes a seat on a stool.

I can’t help but check her out. She’s wearing a tight--and short--black dress with heels that make her tower over me even more so. It surprised me when we got to her place that it didn’t take her long to get ready and transformed completely. Her hair is wild, her makeup bold and yeah, she’s fucking hot and she knows it.

As for me? I didn’t even bother changing. Black jeans, tight black t-shirt with my black jean jacket and boots. She didn’t even complain about the way I looked either. I half expected her to try to dress me up in one of her outfits, but I gotta say I’m fucking relieved she didn’t go that far.

“Four shots of Jack, a beer for her and a Cosmo!” Cordy yells at the bartender and he nods and smiles at her as he gets our drinks. “So?”

“So?” I ask her and I turn on the stool to look around at the club for a second before looking back at her. “You come here often?”

“Sometimes.”

The bartender places the four shots, her drink and a cold Budweiser down in front of us. Cordy pulls a twenty out of her bra and hands it to him. I laugh and we grab the first shot. I got mine down and am reaching for the other before Cordy can even get the shot glass to her lips.

After we have our drinks, Cordy pulls me out to the dance floor. I lose myself to the music, but no matter how hard I keep trying, I only got one woman on my mind right now and that’s Buffy. I want her here with me instead of Cordelia. I want to be dancing with her, having drinks with her and having a damn good time with her instead of Cordelia.

It isn’t long before Cordy has two guys dancing with her. a few have tried to dance with me, but I keep pushing them away, sometimes not too lightly. I give up after about six guys and head back to the bar, ordering a few more shots and another beer. I take my shots one after another, all four of them at the bar before I spot an open booth and head over towards it.

“Faith, what gives?” Cordy yells at me as she comes over to the booth and stands there with her hands on her hips. “We’re here to have fun!”

“I’m having fun,” I mutter and she shakes her head and sits down across from me.

“What’s up with you?” Cordy asks and I just shrug it off, taking a few sips of my beer as I look out at the crowd of people on the dance floor. “It’s Buffy, isn’t it?”

“What?” I nearly choke on my own air. How the hell does she know about Buffy?

“You’re worried about leaving her alone?”

I breathe a sigh of relief. “She’s a big girl, Cordy.”

“But she needs you just like you need her.”

“What are you saying?”

Cordy moves to sit next to me so she’s not yelling over the music. “Buffy called Angel the day after you went missing. She talked to me first and she was pretty frantic about you disappearing like that. I’ve never heard her like that, Faith.”

“So? She was just worried about me, that’s all.”

“No,” Cordy says and shakes her head. “It’s more than that.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“She’s in love with you.”

I laugh and chug the rest of my beer and try to get up. Cordy just pushes me back down and motions to the bartender to bring over a couple more drinks.

“You got all that from a phone call?” I ask her and she laughs, shaking her head no.

“Intuition,” Cordy replies in a matter-of-fact tone. “That and Angel told me there’s something going on between you two.”

I scoff and try to get up again, but she’s determined not to let me just walk away. I could push her aside, slayer here after all, but I’m not gonna hurt her just to get out of having this conversation with her.

“Angel told you to take me out tonight, didn’t he?”

“No,” she replies and the bartender comes over with a Cosmo for her and another beer for me. “I was serious about the girl bonding thing. I was hoping it’d be more…fun.”

“I’m having a fucking blast,” I say sarcastically.

“You won’t talk to Angel, but I’m hoping you’ll talk to me.”

“Seriously?” I laugh and nearly chug back most of my beer, already starting to feel the buzz from the shots and the other two beers I’ve had already. “What makes you think I’m gonna talk to you, Cordy?”

“Because you need to talk about it with someone that isn’t in Sunnydale and with someone who isn’t Angel. So, that makes me the perfect someone, doesn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“So?”

“What, Cordy? What do ya want me to say?”

“What is going on with you two?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Try me,” she says with a smile that almost looks forced.

“She came back different,” I say, breathing in deeply as I look over at Cordy. She’s staring at me, barely moving as she hangs on every word. “She was different when she came back. Void of something inside of her. What I don’t know, but she kept saying she can’t feel anything. Spike told her she came back wrong one night and I’m going out on a limb here and gonna say that’s what set this whole thing off.”

“Wrong? How?”

“He could hurt her without that damn chip in his head firing off.”

I finish off my beer and laugh a little. I can’t believe I’m fucking telling her this. I don’t believe her when she says Angel didn’t tell her to take me out tonight to get some answers outta me.

“We got in a fight. Nothing new with us, right? But let’s just say the end results was something that ain’t ever happened between us before,” I say with a slight chuckle and Cordelia’s eyebrows rise up high at that. “She hated what happened, but then it happened again and she _wanted_ it. Who am I to say no to that?”

“Right, because we all know you’ve been in love with Buffy since the night you showed up in Sunnydale and fed us all those bullshit slaying stories.”

I laugh and feel a little bit at ease. Relieved in a sense. Weird as it is ‘cause it’s Cordy I’m telling this to. I know that it’ll all come back to Angel. Just how it is, but it doesn’t scare me, not like it did earlier when he was trying to get me to talk about it.

“And now?” Cordy asks and I just shrug. “Come on, Faith. Clearly she has feelings for you if it keeps happening.”

“I told ya, it’s complicated. We both want it, but you know, scared at the same time.”

“Why scared? Willow is a lesbian. It’s not like Buffy’s friends will care if she’s a big, raging lesbian too.”

“Think there’s a helluva lot more to it than that, Cordy. Anyone else, I’m pretty sure Buffy wouldn’t care.”

“Buffy wouldn’t be with any other woman if it wasn’t you, Faith. Hell, if I was even just a little bit gay--and I’m not just for the record here--I’d want to be with you too even if it was just for one night.”

“So, you’re saying if you were just a little bit gay, you’d want to fuck me?”

“Oh, get over yourself. You know you’re hot,” Cordy laughs and I wiggle my eyebrows at her and flash the sexiest smile I can manage. “So, things with you and Buffy are complicated? Then un-complicate things, Faith.”

“Easier said than done.”

“Right, because Buffy is just as stubborn as you are. You two are _so_ made for each other. I wondered how long it’d take you two to figure it out.”

“I can’t believe we’re even talking about this.”

“I know,” Cordy smirks. “But we are so get over it.”

“If you start asking how great the sex is--”

“I _so_ don’t need to know!”

“Best I’ve ever had,” I laugh, winking as I get up from the booth and head over to the bar. I look back at Cordy and she looks a mix of amused and disgusted.

Now I’m feeling much more in a mood to get drunk and dance the night away. I order another beer and a Cosmo for Cordy. As weird as it was talking to her about Buffy, I can’t shake that relieved feeling I got as soon as I told her. Buffy ain’t gonna be happy that I told Cordelia about what’s going on between us, but it ain’t like I had much of a choice here.

But for now, I’m gonna just try to forget the whole conversation happened. And try to forget about Buffy and how much I fucking miss her.

****

The couch I’m sleeping on is a helluva lot more comfortable than it looks. It’s almost five in the morning and we just got back from the club about an hour ago. Cordy couldn’t even drive and I wasn’t in any condition to either. We left her car there and caught a cab back to her place and it cost a fucking fortune! If it wasn’t so far, I would’ve carried Cordy home since she could barely even walk.

Phantom Dennis, her ghost, wasn’t too happy when I showed up with her. He kept trying to keep me outta the apartment, but after Cordy let the bitch in her loose on him, I haven’t heard a peep outta Phantom Dennis since. It still freaks me out though being in here knowing he’s watching me.

I see a shadow just out of the corner of my eye and I sit up on the couch. I flip on the lamp on the table next to me and I can see the shadow. It’s Olivia.

“What the fuck?” I mutter as she walks over to me. “Thought we banished ya, Liv? Was that just a trick?”

“It wasn’t a trick,” she laughs and she sits on the coffee table in front of me. “We were banished. He still is, but me? Nothing can keep me contained for long. You’re forgetting that I had a hand in creating that dimension your little Wiccan friends sent us to. Escaping was not an issue. Poor Roman, he doesn’t have the power to escape on his own.”

“Could’ve brought your boy-toy out with ya.”

“He needs to cool down,” she chuckles. “A few hundred years in a hell dimension should do it.”

“What the hell you doing here?”

“You’re a hard one to find, Faith. I looked all over Sunnydale for you tonight. I couldn’t even feel you. I stalked that little girlfriend of yours and your friends. Overheard them talking about how you were down here with Angelus.”

“If you hurt any of them--”

“I didn’t touch a single hair on their heads, Faithy. Don’t you dare try to threaten me,” she snaps as she grabs both my hands. “It’s funny, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“How just when you think you have found a solution to the problem, it’s come right back,” she laughs maniacally. “But how many times do I have to tell you, Faithy? _I_ am not the problem.”

“The First is.”

“Yes, but it’s only begun.”

“Let me get this straight,” I say as I pull my hands out of her grip. “ _You_ aren’t the problem, Liv? You smoking crack or something? You are a problem! You are a fucking pain in my ass! You fucked with me. Big time.”

“And it was so much fun,” she grins and I get up from the couch and flip on another lamp. “I did it for _him_ , Faithy. Haven’t you ever had someone in your life you’d do absolutely _anything_ for?”

I don’t answer her ‘cause I know she already knows the answer to that question. I just hope to hell Cordy is still passed out. I don’t want her knowing that Olivia is back. I don’t want anyone knowing she is. Sure, I can’t kill her or anything, but I’m sure as hell gonna try to keep her outta the bigger picture. Just don’t know _how_ I’m gonna do that yet.

“You’re still pissed about us drugging you, aren’t you?”

“Fucking right I’m still pissed!”

Olivia laughs as she gets up and walks right over to me, moving too fast for me to get out of the way. She grabs me by my shoulders and just stares right into my eyes.

“I was going to apologize,” she says quietly. “But you know, it was too fun and I don’t even feel a tiny bit bad or guilty for putting you through all that. I still can’t believe you thought it was _real_.”

“Get out of here,” I hiss at her and try to push her away, but she’s stronger than me and I can’t even get her to budge. “Let go of me. Now.”

“Or what, Faithy? Just what can you do? You can’t hurt me, you can’t kill me, and you’re definitely not stronger than me.”

“Then why don’t you just fucking kill me and get it over with, Liv? Wouldn’t it make your life a helluva lot easier if I was outta the picture? Or do you truly like fucking with me and my life so much you’re gonna keep doing it until you’ve drove me completely bat-shit crazy?”

“Killing you is far too easy,” she laughs and leans in and plants a kiss on my lips. It makes me feel sick and I try again to no avail to push her away. It only causes her to kiss me harder.

Olivia finally lets me go and I deck her in the face. I suppress the yell that wants to escape. It feels like I just broke my god damn hand punching her! Olivia laughs as I head for the kitchen and pull out a piece of steak from the freezer and put it on my swollen and likely broken hand. Olivia is gone by the time I go back to the living room and I curse under my breath as I lay on the couch.

I’d do anything to get rid of this bitch. Anything.

Starting to think there is no way in getting rid of her, even temporarily. Just fucking great.

****

Angel frowns as I pace his office and tell him what happened with Olivia last night and how she showed up at Cordy’s apartment out of nowhere. My hand is in a cast now all thanks to Cordy waking up and freaking out over how swollen and broken it was. Of course as soon as Angel found out I’d broken my hand, he demanded to know what had happened for me to have done that to myself.

And that leads us to being here in his office with the door closed and me pissed as hell.

“So, banishing her to that dimension didn’t work,” Angel states the obvious and I stop pacing and just stare at him. “There has to be something else we can do, something that hasn’t been tried yet.”

“Angel, banishing that bitch to another dimension was supposed to work and it didn’t!”

He leans back in his chair and folds his hands over his lap. He’s thinking. I can practically see the wheels turning in his mind. I grab a chair and sit in front of the desk, propping my feet up on the edge as I pick at the edges of my cast, already itching to get the damn thing off.

“There has to be another way,” he says calmly. “I have an idea who to ask for some help.”

“You’re going to Wolfram and Hart? Fuck that, Angel!”

“What other choice do we have, Faith? They have a fault of information there we can use to our advantage! There might be something there that tells us how to get rid of this woman, this Mother as she calls herself. I don’t like the idea any more than you do, but we’ve been left with no choice. It’s our only option in finding some help.”

“So, what then, Angel? We just break in the place to search this vault for information and then what?”

“Actually,” he says as he reaches for the phone. “We won’t even need to go there. I just need to make a phone call. Privately.”

I roll my eyes and leave him alone in his office. It’s quiet in the hotel today and I walk over to the sofa and sit down, still picking away at the edges of the cast. Cordy hasn’t come around today and she likely won’t. With the amount of alcohol she drank last night, she’ll be feeling it for days. I haven’t even seen Wes or Gunn around either since I showed up to talk to Angel.

I head out to the back courtyard, and sit down on the steps. I light a cigarette and close my eyes as I inhale deeply. The sun has just set and another night has begun. It’s just a damn fucking shame I can’t go out and enjoy myself like I did last night with Cordy. I could and try to forget everything else even just for a night, but it’d make me feel guilty.

I start thinking about Buffy, it’s hard not to when I’m alone with my thoughts these days. I just want life to go back to the way it was even just a few weeks ago. Things were easier then, but then again they were easier before Buffy came back. I feel like we’ll never get a chance to start over. There’s always gonna be something there in the way making it difficult for us to try to be together. And just thinking of us together brings me back to the hallucinations and I laugh, still pissed I believed any of that shit was real.

I barely look at Angel as he comes outside and sits down on the steps next to me. I can feel him staring at me and I crush out my cigarette on the ground and breathe in deeply.

“So?” I ask him as I turn to look at him. “You find out what you needed to?”

“Yes,” he nods and he smiles a little. “I was right,” he says and I raise an eyebrow. “There is a way to kill her.”

“And let me guess. It ain’t as simple as some kind of a spell, is it?”

“Not quite,” he replies and the smile fades quickly. “The coven had the right spell. The only problem is that they didn’t know a slayer had to be sent to that dimension with them.”

“So I _can_ kill her, but just not here?” I ask him and he nods his head slowly. “Well then, what are we waiting for? Let’s get on this and kill the bitch.”

“Faith, you need to understand something.”

“Understand what? Send me and that bitch back to that dimension and I’ll kill her.”

“You might not be able to come back,” he whispers and all hope I just had building up is torn from me in a second. “The risks are big, Faith.”

“I don’t care. Just tell me what I have to do and let’s get it done and over with already.”

Angel motions for me to follow him inside. Damn, risky or not, he was still planning on going through with this before he even talked to me. Selwyn and the entire coven are standing in the lobby. Angel walks over to the weapons chest and grabs a long broadsword. He hands it to me and points to the middle of the circle the coven is in.

“Don’t we need Olivia here for this?” I ask and Selwyn steps forward, nodding her head. “Well, where is she?”

“Patience,” she whispers and she mutters something under her breath and in a flash, Olivia is standing next to me looking a mix of pissed the hell off and confused.

Now my head is swimming with a million different questions. If they could just zap Olivia here, why couldn’t they have done that before? I got a few questions for Angel too, like why would he play it off like he didn’t want me doing this because the risk is too big only to have already called in Selwyn and the coven to do this spell? And how did he even manage to make the phone call to Wolfram and Hart and get the coven here so quickly? And how the hell am I supposed to kill Olivia once we’re sent to that hell dimension? She ain’t going without a fight, that’s for damn sure.

The coven is quick to perform the spell before Olivia can get the hell away. She just looks at me and I smirk as I clutch the sword. I swear she almost looks terrified. Good ‘cause I’m fucking terrified too!

I feel this darkness surrounding me and I close my eyes and fight to keep conscious. There’s nothing else in this world to compare to this feeling of being ripped out of your own world. Literally.


	29. Chapter Twenty-Nine

** Chapter Twenty-Nine **

 

This place brings a completely new meaning of hell to me. It’s hot, the air is almost suffocating, and it’s dark. As soon as I opened my eyes once we were sent here, Olivia was off running away from me as fast as she could run. I’ve been chasing her down which feels like hours when I know it’s only been minutes. There are fucking nasty looking demons crawling around this place, some of which are chasing after me now too.

Just fucking great. Got two problems on my hands and gotta take care of this bitch before she can escape outta here just as she did the first time we sent her here. I feel the claws scrape down my back and I swing around quickly, decapitating the demon’s head clean off with one swing of the sword Angel gave me. The pain is intense, but I don’t stop. I _can’t_ stop.

I see Olivia up ahead. She’s slowed right down. I use this as an opportunity to gain on her and when she turns to look at me, she looks downright terrified.

“What’s with the bailing act, Liv?” I ask her breathlessly as I manage to grab on to the back of her shirt. “You know I’m going to kill you. No sense in trying to run away.”

“How did they know?” Olivia gasps as she tries to get away from me. I move too quickly for her and wrap an arm around her as I hold the sword to her throat. “How did they know?”

“Isn’t it funny how things quickly turn around?” I ask her, completely ignoring her question. I feel her quivering and I grin, pressing the sword harder against her throat. “I’m going to enjoy this,” I whisper in to her ear.

She whimpers as I let go of her and I half expect her to run. She just turns to me and she’s crying. I laugh as I ready the sword and take aim right at her throat. I could torture her, make her feel pain she’s never felt before, but that could be giving her an opportunity to get away and escape this dimension before I have the chance to kill her. This is what I came here for, to kill her, not to torture her as a form of payback for fucking with me the way she has.

“You’ll never make it out of here alive,” Olivia says through gritted teeth.

“We’ll see about that,” I reply as I take a hard, swift swing at her neck. It’s a clean cut and her eyes are instantly lifeless. I watch as her head rolls off her body before her body falls to the ground. “Bet ya wished ya killed me when ya had the chance,” I laugh as I give her head a kick and watch it roll.

I’m breathing heavily and there is an insane amount of adrenaline pumping through my body. I hear a pack of demons growling and heading straight for me. I look around, looking for a place to run and hide. The pain from being clawed is starting to really hit me and I don’t know if I can take on a demon, much less half a dozen from the sounds of it.

I have no idea how long I have to wait until the coven can pull me out--if they can. I gotta recover and I gotta find a safe place to hide out until I can get my ass outta this fucked up dimension.

I just start running, backtracking the way I came and the opposite directions the demons are coming from. After about five minutes, I’m in far too much pain to keep running. I fall to my hands and knees, the sword clattering on the ground next to me and I try to breathe. Every second it’s becoming harder and it feels like the air is being sucked away and growing hotter by the minute.

I want out of this fucking place like ten minutes ago. I feel like screaming, but I have no energy left in me to do that. Besides, I ain’t stupid. Screaming will only attract demons and other worldly things my way and the last thing I need is to be fucking killed in a place like this.

I get to my feet, starting to feel angry I was thrust into this without any kind of a plan. Just send the slayer to the hell dimension with the crazy bitch so the slayer can kill her. Some fucking plan!

I start thinking of Buffy again. She’ll probably kill me once I’m back for even agreeing to doing this in the first place. I can’t blame her. If she was in my place, I’d probably want to kill her too for being so damn stupid!

The drive to get out from being in the open is what pushes me to keep moving. There are flashes of what looks like lightning crawling over the sky, but it’s not lightning--at least I don’t think it is. Something looks and feels different about it and it makes every hair on my body stand straight up. It feels like magic in a really weird way, and not bad magic. Good magic.

I just hope it’s coming from the coven as they try to get me the hell outta here. I start walking in the direction most of the lightning is coming from. I climb up the steep hill, forcing myself to keep going until I reach the top. I’m breathless and about to drop where I stand as soon as I reach the top.

“Faith!” Willow yells and I drop the sword, laughing and crying as I fall to the ground. “Faith?”

“What the hell you doing here, Red?”

“I’m not actually _here_ , just my soul is. I had to come find you. The coven has been struggling to get back in here and pull you out.”

“Ain’t been that long, Red.”

“It’s been _months_!”

What. The. Fuck?

“Ain’t possible!” I gasp and I try to get to my feet but my body just doesn’t want to cooperate with me.

How has it been months? How many fucking months? I’ve been here an hour, tops! I decide to panic later, like after I’m outta this place and back home where I belong. Willow or at least her soul is starting to fade and I struggle to walk over to where she stands.

“Get me outta here, Willow. Now.”

“We’re trying,” she says frantically. “We’re trying, Faith!”

“Better try a little harder!” I yell as I spot a massive dragon flying right towards us.

I’m yanked outta this dimension suddenly with such force I nearly black out. I lay on the ground of the floor inside the Magic Box, gasping for air. It’s so bright in here I can hardly keep my eyes open, but I know I’m home and I can feel Buffy. It’s strong, our connection, and it feels like she’s not just near me, but _in_ me. I start laughing as I struggle to sit up, but with the claw marks in my back, the pain hits me again even worse than before.

Their voices are muffled, but frantic. I’m being moved from the floor and on to the table. Slowly my eyes adjust to the light and everything becomes clearer. I see Selwyn standing off to the side, chanting softly under her breath.

I feel sick. I roll on my side and Buffy is right there, holding on to me as I empty my stomach on the Magic Box floor. I feel the hot tears roll down my cheeks as I roll on to my back, fighting my way through the pain. I blink through the tears to look at Buffy and she looks so tired. Maybe angry too. Or happy. Fuck if I know right now.

Right now though I need some god damn answers! I just can’t seem to speak, my throat is too dry, too tight and I can barely breathe in deep without my lungs burning.

“Is she okay?” Buffy asks Selwyn as she joins us. She places a hand over my head and nods her head slowly. “Why isn’t she talking?”

“Give her a moment or two to recover,” Selwyn responds calmly and she motions for Buffy to turn me over on my stomach. “These are deep, child,” she says and I feel her fingers just lightly pulling away the ripped fabric of my jacket away from the claw marks. “Willow?”

“Yeah?”

“I will need your help with a healing spell. I’m afraid I have very little magic left at the moment.”

I close my eyes, just wanting this to be over. I’ve been through enough shit as it is and it just keeps on coming! Am I ever gonna catch a break here?

“Two and a half months,” I hear Anya say to Xander. “She missed Christmas, Xander! Does that mean now that she’s back we gotta buy her gifts because she missed Christmas?”

“Ahn, not now.”

I close my eyes tight as I feel a slight tingling, burning sensation run throughout my entire body. It doesn’t hurt, not at all and as soon as the sensation is there, it’s gone. I open my eyes and move to sit up, a bit fucking amazed to feel completely back to normal.

“Damn,” I mutter as I slide off the table. “Wicked mojo ya got going on there, ladies. Could’ve used ya a few times after being banged up to shit on patrol.”

“Faith?” Giles says, caution in his voice. “Are you all right?”

“Five by five now, G. Does anyone wanna explain how I’ve been gone for two and a half fucking months here?”

“Do you not remember?”

“Of course I remember! I was gone for like an hour at most!”

“Time is different in all dimensions,” Selwyn cuts in. “In some, time move quickly, hundreds of years can pass when only days pass here. And in others, time moves so slowly it’s as if it’s not moving at all. Faith, here it’s been two and a half months. Sending you there was not complicated, however trying to retrieve you, we couldn’t find you or reach you and our power became limited.”

“So, two and a half months? Fuck,” I groan as I sit down at the table and lay my head down. “Fucking unbelievable. But hey,” I say as I lift my head to look at the others, “at least I killed her. Did what I went there for.”

“What was it like?” Anya asks, pushing Xander away as she walks over towards me. “Where you were, what was it like?”

“Hell.”

Anya laughs and sits down next to me. “What kind of hell? You do realize there are thousands of different hell dimensions and they’re all very different.”

“It was hell, Anya. Not much to say about it.”

“Anya,” Xander says sternly as he grabs her arm and pulls her up from the chair. “How about we not ask Faith a million questions right now? It’s probably not a good idea seeing how she’s been back for not even ten minutes.”

“I’m just curious!”

“I know,” he says as he leads her away. “Sorry,” he mouths as he looks back at me and I just shrug it off. I know how Anya gets. I expect it.

I look over at Buffy and she’s backed away. She has her arms folded over her chest and she does not look too happy right now. Guess I was probably right about her wanting to kill me for going there. Buffy isn’t the only one who doesn’t look happy. Tara looks downright pissed off as Willow tries to convince her everything is okay now. Gonna go out on a limb here and say things between the two of them aren’t that great these days. Wonder why that is?

I missed too damn much and I can feel the tension in the air all around us. I’m starting to get angry and I get up and head for the door. Nobody follows me as I step outside into the bright afternoon sun. It’s a bit chilly out and I shiver as I pull out a smoke and light it.

Two and a half fucking months! How can that even be possible? I heard what Selwyn said about different dimensions and how time is different, but being there for not even an hour and coming home to find out I’ve missed two and a half months? I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or punch something. Maybe all three.

I pull off the cast on my hand. That healing spell they did healed every part of me, not just the wounds on my back. I shake my head, walk over to the curb, and sit down. This is so un-fucking-believable right now. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around what has just happened.

“Hey,” Buffy says as she sits down next to me. “You okay, Faith?”

“No, B, I am not fucking okay!” I snap at her and she moves away a little, looking a bit scared at my reaction. “When is this shit gonna stop happening to me?”

“I don’t know,” she frowns and I shake my head as I take a long drag. “I was so pissed off at you for doing this at first, Faith. I still am pissed off at you, but Angel had told me over and over again that it was the only way to get rid of her for good. I really thought we lost you, Faith.”

 _Again_ , I think, but don’t say it.

“What day is it, B?” I ask her.

“My birthday.”

I laugh a little at that. “Happy birthday, B.”

“Best one ever,” she says as she forces a smile. “We’ve been so focused on trying to pull you out that even I almost forgot it’s my birthday today.”

“No party? No presents?”

“No, but it doesn’t even matter. There are things that matter more than celebrating a birthday.”

“Like what?”

“Having you back home,” she says softly and I move closer to her and wrap an arm around her shoulders. She instantly leans in to me and I flick my cigarette away, wrapping my other arm around her. It’s nice just to be able to hold her, but it doesn’t last long before she pushes me away from her. “Stop getting yourself into these situations where you’re gone for weeks! Or in this case, months!”

“I’ll try, B. I like your hair,” I say, finally noticing she’s cut her long hair and it’s short now, just above her shoulders. How the hell didn’t I notice that before now? “It’s cute.”

She groans and tries to hide the smile, but it’s too late. I’ve seen it. I wink at her as I put my arm around her shoulders again. I don’t know what’s going on with us or if she even wants to start over still. For me, it’s only been a couple of days and it still feels like we’re we were before I went down to LA for the weekend. For all I know she could’ve moved on, found herself someone new in the last two and a half months.

Or maybe not since she’s kissing me now.

What surprises me the most is the fact she doesn’t stop, not even when random strangers walk by us, commenting on the fact that what we’re doing is downright disgusting and wrong. I smile against her lips before I pull back. She’s smiling right back at me and I don’t know what it is, but it just makes me feel so damn good inside. Whatever answers I was looking for when it comes to us, she pretty much just answered all of them with one, single kiss.

“I bet you’re tired,” she whispers and I shake my head no. “You’ve been gone a long time, Faith. I’m sure it was impossible to sleep in a hell dimension.”

“B,” I say patiently. “I told you, felt like I was gone for an hour at most, not months.”

Buffy shakes her head and stands up. Now I ain’t so sure she believes me. Who can blame her if I have been gone there for two months and come back saying it felt like an hour? I get up and follow her as she heads back inside the Magic Box. The others look a bit surprised to see us both back in there, but nobody says a word. I notice right away that Selwyn is no longer there and Giles is standing by the register helping Anya go over the books.

I start thinking about everything again, about what had just happened and what they’re telling me. Two and a half months of my life, gone in the span of what felt like an hour. It’s almost too much to deal with right now. I’m strong though; stronger than I realize half the time and being a slayer, you just learn to roll with the punches life throws your way as they come along.

And I’m getting fucking _tired_ of rolling with all the punches life is throwing at me lately.

I head back into the training room and shut the door behind me. The couch looks heavenly right about now and even though it felt like I wasn’t gone for long, it feels like I haven’t slept in days. I lay down on the couch and put my arm over my eyes. My head is spinning with a million fucking questions and all I want right now is for it to stop. I want everything to stop. I just want things to be different. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently when it comes to me, yeah.

****

Call me crazy, but after all the shit I’ve just been through, I’m not in the mood to celebrate anything. Willow had a “genius” idea to celebrate Buffy’s birthday and my return back home all in one. It took a lot of convincing on her part for me to show up at the Bronze. I only gave in ‘cause Willow healed me after being pulled out of that hell dimension. Figured it was the least I could do instead of trying to talk my way outta it.

And of course Buffy is a good part of the reason I even bothered to show up. But she’s not looking happy and she’s sitting alone at a table while her friends are all off on the dance floor having a great time. I put down my empty beer glass and walk over to her table and take a seat across from her.

“Having fun, B?”

“Oh yeah. Loads of fun.”

I smirk at the way she said it full of sarcasm. I look over at the others and look back at her. “Why ain’t you out there dancing with them?”

“Don’t feel like it.”

“Ya wanna get outta here?” I ask her and she nods her head and then shakes it no. “Why not? It’s your birthday, B. You can do whatever you want.”

“I want to leave, but I promised Will that I’d stay.”

I look up at the balcony and it’s pretty much deserted. I smile over at her as I stand up from the stool. “Come on,” I whisper as I take her hand. She doesn’t budge. “Trust me, B. Just come with me for a minute, yeah?”

Nobody even notices us as I lead the way up to the balcony, holding her hand a little tight since I’m afraid she’s gonna bolt outta here. She walks to the railing and leans over, looking down at our friends in the crowd below. I take a moment just to look at her and recognize the skirt she’s wearing. The same one from the first night we were together. And just like that, the memories of that night come crashing back to me in an instant.

I lick over my lips, unable to resist. I run my hands over her hips as I step up behind her. I slide my hand in the slit of her skirt and run my fingers over her smooth thigh. I inhale sharply when I discover she’s gone commando tonight. I expect her to stop me as I cup her pussy, but she doesn’t move. I pull her closer to me with my other hand and circle over her clit with my thumb. I feel her reacting instantly and she’s wet and ready for me to take her right here, right now.

But before I can slide my fingers inside of her, a few frat boys come stumbling up the stairs and sit on the couches not too far from us. Buffy grips at my arm, trying to pull my hand out from inside of her skirt. I give in and sigh heavily as she turns around to face me.

“Faith, I--”

“What, B?” I ask gently and she shakes her head. “Come on, talk to me. We’re getting better at this whole talking thing, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she smiles a little. “Slowly but surely we’re getting better at it.”

“So?”

“I don’t want to talk here. Let’s just go back down there and have fun.”

“B?” I grab her arm to keep her from walking away from me.

“What is it, Faith?”

“Forget it,” I mutter and let go of her. I let her walk away from me and I just stay up there on the balcony.

Things are still as complicated as hell and I know I can’t expect it just to change over the course of a day. For me it’s been a few days since I saw Buffy last, but for her and everyone else it’s been two and a half months. I can’t even begin to understand where they’re coming from or what they’re even thinking or even the things that they’re going through right now.

I watch them from the balcony as the others join Buffy at their table. She has the fakest smile plastered on her face right now. I find it fucking hilarious nobody else can see right through her and they’ve known her a helluva lot longer than I have.

“Slayer,” Spike says as he joins me at the balcony railing. “Heard you got back today.”

“Yeah.”

“Been gone a while,” he says, stating the obvious. “Buffy sure missed you.”

“State the obvious much, Spike?”

“How long was it there for you?”

“An hour tops,” I reply as I look over at him and shrug. “Pretty messed up, huh?”

Spike nods his head and takes a swig of his beer. He smirks at me and glances down at Buffy and the Scoobs. “They don’t know about you two, do they?”

“No.”

“She’s in love with you. You do know that, don’t you?”

I look at him and wonder how much he knows about Buffy and me and how long he’s known there’s been something going on between us. Then again, it’s Spike and he always tends to know things he has no business knowing in the first place. Shouldn’t and doesn’t surprise me at all.

“One thing you don’t gotta worry about is the First,” Spike says after a few minutes of silence. “Went back in hiding after you killed that bitch Olivia. Heard some rumblings around town that the First will be returning, but with an army of sorts.”

“An army?”

“Just what I heard. Don’t stake the messenger.”

I laugh and shake my head. “The others know about all this?” I ask and he nods. “Then why haven’t they told me?”

“A lot has happened in the last couple of months, Slayer.”

“Yeah, that much is obvious.”

“You want me to fill you in?” Spike asks and I think about it for a minute before I say yes. Sure Spike is the last person I want to be around right now, but he’s always given it to me as it is, no lies or sugar-coating just to spare my feelings and what not.

Spike leads the way over to the couches and I take a seat as far away as humanely possible considering Spike is sitting on the other end. As much as I’m itching to slay him, I want to be filled in on what the hell has been happening around here while I’ve been gone.

“The night the coven send you and that bitch to that hell dimension, things started happening around here. Word got out pretty quick you killed her. Vamps and demons started flocking to town in droves. Buffy had her hands full for a couple of weeks. I helped, of course,” he says and he laughs a little. “Not long after you were gone, was out with Buffy on patrol one night, out looking for the First. Stupid bloody idea.”

“Why?”

“Long gone,” he replies with a shrug. “No sign of it anywhere. Coven came around at that point, trying to dig it up, make it show itself. It was weak when it appeared and we quickly figured out it had something to do with you killing that bitch Olivia one way or another. Hadn’t heard or seen it since. Figured it went into hiding and rumour around town is just that. No big bad to worry your pretty little head about now.”

“For the time being,” I mutter. “So, we don’t gotta worry about the First Evil randomly popping up?”

“For now. Big bad like that has a plan and it’s gonna stick with it until it sees it through. Best enjoy the downtime while you can, Slayer. And stop bloody going missing!”

“Like I plan on these things to happen,” I laugh and Spike laughs along with me.

“Buffy ain’t quite been herself since you’ve been gone,” Spike says in all seriousness. “Noticed it right off the bat there was something wrong. Figured it had something to do with you. Doesn’t take a soul to see how she feels about you. Never seen her so sad.”

“Been stalking her, Spike?”

“No,” he snaps. “Been patrolling with her ‘cause she asked me to. Something about not wanting to be out there alone. She started talking about you one night. Cried a bit. Offered up a shoulder for her and she told me she loves you. Not so much with the actual words, but I knew.”

I sigh heavily and shake my head. I can’t even believe we’re having this conversation. A year ago, if someone told me Spike would be the one telling me Buffy is in love with me, I would’ve laughed my way to the nuthouse.

Spike fills me in on other little things that have happened since I’ve been gone, but I’m not listening to him. Not entirely. I’m staring at Buffy as she comes back up on the balcony and keeps her distance, watching us--mainly me. I get up and walk right up to her and I smile as I cup her face gently with my hands.

I know things aren’t perfect between us and I know they’ll never be what I thought they could when Olivia and Roman drugged me and made me believe I had this “perfect” life. I know things will never be easy with Buffy and me--at least not with some major effort on both our parts. I know I’m crazy thinking we could have some normal relationship, but I know it’s what she wants. Just afraid if we start over yet again, something else is gonna happen to stop us from making any sort of fucking progress here.

I get the feeling I’m better than this, but I can’t seem to let her go or let go of the fact that I want this with Buffy and nobody else.

She takes me by surprise and kisses me softly despite the fact that Spike is still sitting a few feet away and watching us. I put everything I have into this kiss, trying to tell her things I can’t quite say with words, trying to convey all that I feel for her in one single kiss.

And just like that, I feel at ease, almost forgetting all the damn shit I’ve been through even though I know the feeling isn’t gonna last for long.


	30. Chapter Thirty

** Chapter Thirty **

 

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been back and life couldn’t be any fucking better than it is right now. Things between me and Buffy are still a bit shaky, but it ain’t as hard as it was before. We haven’t told the Scoobs we’re together and it was me who told Buffy we oughta be sure about us before telling our friends.

It’s been a learning experience for sure, this whole dating thing I always thought I wasn’t cut out for. But I’m blinded by love and how happy I feel whenever I’m with her, that even when I start getting those doubts, I just easily push them out of my mind now like they were never there in the first place. And I was right before about things never being perfect between us. We’ve had a few arguments, but nothing that resulted in one of us trying to kick the other’s ass to hell and back.

Giles has been researching all that he can on the First Evil, always trying to find something there that’ll tell us more than we already know which isn’t very much at all. I can tell the downtime we’re having here and the whole total lack of an approaching apocalypse is driving him crazy with boredom. Me? I’m just enjoying the fact that the last few weeks have been completely uneventful, slayer wise.

Buffy has been doing the best friend thing with Willow all day, trying to comfort her after Tara left her a few days back. Apparently after the magic Willow was dabbing in with the coven, it made her addicted to using magic every day for every little thing. In a way, I don’t blame Tara for leaving her. All they ever did was fight and it ain’t healthy. Never thought I’d see the day they weren’t together and I know they’ll get back together. They just need some time apart.

So while Buffy has been upstairs with Willow all afternoon, I’ve been watching shitty old movies with Dawn and pigging out on junk food and pizza with her. It’s kind of nice just to chill with Dawn like this. She’s definitely like the little sister I never had and I know she likes hanging out with me since Buffy never bothers to make an effort anymore. Not like that’s anything new. Dawn told me before it was like that even in those months I was gone.

I look over at the stairs as Buffy comes down and she doesn’t look too happy. I smile at her and at least it earns me a smile back. She heads straight for the kitchen and I grab the empty bowl of popcorn, motioning to Dawn I’ll be back with more.

“Hey,” I say to Buffy with a smile as I join her in the kitchen. “How’s she doing?”

“Not too good. Still crying.”

“Blows,” I sigh and I put the empty bowl down on the counter and wrap my arms around Buffy as she fills up the kettle in the sink. “You wanna go out tonight?”

“On patrol?”

“I was thinking of a movie and maybe dinner after?”

“A date?”

“Sure,” I smile as she turns to look at me. “I could borrow Giles’ car and we could head out to the beach after we grab a bite to eat.”

Buffy puts the kettle down and wraps her arms around me. She kisses me so softly, so sweetly that my lips and body are humming with pleasure. Every time she kisses me like this, it feels like the first time all over again, but a thousand times better. She knows exactly how these kisses make me feel and this is the first time she’s ever dared kiss me like this in her kitchen with Dawn just in the other room.

I run my hands down her back and give her ass a squeeze before I back her up against the counter. I want her right here, right now, but I know I gotta control my urges until we’re completely alone. It’s been a few days since we’ve been together and I’m feeling all sorts of needy right now. Buffy bites my lip, tugging a bit before pulling away from me.

I run my fingers under the hem of her t-shirt. Her skin is soft and warm. She can’t resist me when I touch her like this, but I can see her fighting off her own set of urges. She bites her lower lip and I lean in for another kiss. Buffy moans as I slip my tongue past her parted lips and deepen the kiss. She pushes me away after a minute and grabs the kettle and puts it on the stove.

“I promised Will I’d bring her some tea,” she says as she grabs the mugs out of the cupboard.

I walk up behind her and wrap my around her and kiss the side of her neck ever so softly. She moans as she leans back in to me and I learned quickly in the past few weeks that her neck is kind of like her sweet spot. She loves to be kissed there.

“Faith, please stop,” she sighs.

“Just wanted to kiss you,” I mutter as I back off. I grab a bag of popcorn and put it in the microwave.

Sometimes I can’t believe how much I’ve lost my edge, especially around Buffy. I know I’m not as hard as I used to be, prison changed that part of me, but with Buffy I’m a total fucking sap. Pussy whipped. Not complaining in the least though. I sure as hell wouldn’t be pussy whipped for anyone else other than Buffy, that’s for sure.

Soon as the popcorn is done, I pull the bag out, open it and dump it in the bowl. Buffy’s watching me the whole time and I smirk as I walk over to her and give her a quick little kiss before I head back to the living room.

“Took you long enough,” Dawn groans as I sit down on the couch next to her. “Honestly, how long does it take to make popcorn?”

“Was asking Buffy how Willow is doing. She came down to make her some tea.”

“And by asking her you mean you were making out with her and getting the answers telepathically or what?” Dawn asks as she glares at me. My eyes go wide at that and there’s no sense in trying to hide my obvious reaction. She knows. She ain’t a stupid kid.

“Uh--”

“Look,” Dawn cuts me off. “I’m not stupid and I do have eyes. I see the way you two look at each other whenever you’re in the same room. And I have ears too and in case you’ve forgotten, Buffy’s room is right next to mine!”

“Don’t know what to say, Kiddo.”

Dawn punches me in the shoulder. Hard. It stings and I rub the spot a little, groaning as Dawn just starts to laugh before she moves to punch me again, this time right in the thigh.

“What the fu--hell?” I nearly yell. Kid packs a punch. Already knew that and should expect that, but _damn_. “What you beating on me for?”

“The first one is for making out with my sister. The second one is for keeping it a secret!”

I rub at my shoulder and then my thigh. It still stings and I flinch a little when I see her tighten her fist up again. I don’t know if she’s pissed off or what. I grab my cigarettes off the coffee table and head out the front door. Gotta say I’m a bit relieved Dawn didn’t say anything more or follow me out there. Figure she needs a bit of time to process or just chill out or whatever.

“Got a light? Seemed to have misplaced mine,” Spike says as he steps out from behind the tree. I roll my eyes, light my cigarette and toss him my lighter.

“Bit early for you to be out and stalking B, isn’t it?” I ask him. The sun has just started to set, but there’s enough of a shadow in the front yard that he’s not bursting into flames.

“Just felt like an early evening stroll.” Spike tosses my lighter back and I sit down on the front steps. “And you bloody well know I’m not stalking her. Just fancy a patrol with you two tonight.”

“Skipping patrol tonight,” I reply with a smirk. “Taking B out on a date.”

“A proper date or another one of your romps to the motel room?”

I’m on my feet and in his face in a matter of seconds. He’s laughing and I swiftly punch him in the side of the head. He punches me back, wailing in pain as soon as his fist hits my face. He grabs his head and falls to his knees.

“That’s what you get, Spike,” I laugh as I take a step back and run my hand over my cheek. Barely even swollen even if he does pack a hard punch.

“You bitch,” he groans as he gets to his feet. “Can see why Buffy likes you so much. You’re just like her.”

“How? ‘Cause I treat you like the dirt you are?”

“Very funny, Slayer. You’re forgetting that I was the one watching your girl’s back while you were off in that hell dimension slaying that bitch Olivia.”

“What, am I supposed to thank you for that now? Gee, Spike, thanks for watching my girl’s back when she can clearly take care of herself with or without you around.”

Spike growls and takes a few steps back from me, but doesn’t leave. Idiot. He keeps pushing all my buttons and all I want is for him to make one wrong move and he’s dust. I’ve been waiting for that moment since I got back here last summer.

“What’s going on?” Dawn asks as she opens the front door. “Hi, Spike.”

I roll my eyes and turn around to look at her. “Nothing is going on, Kiddo. Go back inside.”

“Spike, come play rummy with me?”

“Be there in a few moments, Little Bit,” he smiles and she goes back inside, slamming the door shut behind her. “She ain’t the only one that wants me around, Slayer. Big sis does too. Proved that much while you were gone.”

I don’t want to know how or why he’s going on about Buffy like this. I know this is a normal thing for him. He’s in love with her--even though a vampire without a soul cannot truly love someone except for themselves. Can’t blame him though, she is something else, but she’s mine and it’s a damn shame I can’t shout it to the world ‘cause she’s not ready for that yet. Spike does know about us and hasn’t said anything--yet. Can’t count on him keeping his mouth shut for very long. Same goes for Dawn.

Spike heads inside before I do and I stay out there for a little while longer just to calm the hell down. It’s dark by the time I go back inside and I glance at the clock. After seven. With a heavy sigh, I ignore Dawn and Spike in the living room and head upstairs. Willow’s bedroom door is open and she and Buffy are sitting on her bed, talking quietly.

“Hey,” I say with a smile as I stand in the doorway and lean against the frame. “Red, how ya feeling?”

“Like crap,” she frowns. “But not so bad. I’ll be okay,” she says quickly and forces a small smile.

“Give it a bit of time. Broken hearts don’t heal overnight, but ya gotta get all the tears and shit out before you can start to heal.”

“Thanks, Faith,” Willow says softly.

“B, you ready to motor?”

“You’re leaving?” Willow asks her and I can see the tears building up in her eyes.

“Uh yeah. Sorry, Will, but Faith and I--we’re--we have a date.”

“A date? Like a double date?”

“No,” Buffy says calmly. “A date. With each other.”

Did she just do what I fucking think she did?

“A date with each other? As in a girl’s night out kind of thing?”

I laugh. Willow can be so dense sometimes.

“No, Will,” Buffy says and she reaches out for her hands and gives them a gentle squeeze. “An actual date.”

“You and Faith?” Willow asks and I can tell she’s not quite getting where Buffy is going with this. I want to say something, but I just keep my mouth shut and stay where I am. “Like a romantic date?”

“Yes, Will. Like a romantic date.”

“Oh,” she says and suddenly her eyes open wide as she looks back and forth between us. “Oh! Are you serious, Buffy?”

“Dead serious.”

“You and--and Faith? How long have you two been together like _that_? And when were you going to tell me? Never right? Afraid I’d freak out on you and disown you as my best friend.”

“Will, I’m telling you now because I’m kind of in love with Faith. A lot, actually.”

Willow just stares right at me and I can’t read the expression on her face. I can’t tell if she’s happy or pissed the hell off right now. I get ready to bolt outta there before she can use her witchy mojo on me. Buffy gets up from the bed and just stands there looking like she’s not sure what to do or say next.

“Love? You’re in love with _Faith_?”

“I am, Will. A lot, like I said. I’ve been thinking today that maybe we shouldn’t be hiding what’s going on between us anymore. She makes me happy, Will. I haven’t been this happy, not even before I died. I wanted to tell you before, I just wasn’t sure how.”

There’s dead silence in the room now and Buffy just continues to stand there, staring down at Willow as she looks up at her, mouth slightly dropped open in shock and disbelief.

“Who else knows?” Willow asks after a few long minutes.

“Giles and Tara.”

“Spike and Dawn,” I mutter and Buffy turns around and she’s gone white as a ghost. “What?”

“Spike and Dawn know?” Buffy asks, her voice squeaking a little bit. “How the hell do they know? You didn’t tell them, did you?”

“Uh, B? You’re forgetting your birthday. You kissed me in front of Spike.”

“Oh. Right,” she sighs then she looks like she’s about to completely freak out. “And how does Dawn know? Did you tell her? Did Spike tell her? I swear to god if Spike told her I’m going to personally put a stake in his heart!”

I can see that Willow is amused at this whole thing now and with the way Buffy is completely freaking out.

“Faith, how the hell does Dawn know?”

“She saw us kissing in the kitchen,” I reply and I see Willow sit up a little more with her eyes wide open. “Confronted me about it when I went back to watch that shitty movie with her. Punched me in the shoulder for making out with you and then in the leg for keeping it a secret. Also said she’s not stupid and that she knows and said something about having eyes. Also said something that we’re forgetting her room is right next to yours and she does have ears.”

“Oh god,” Buffy groans and she sits down on the bed and just stares blankly at the floor. “But she’s okay with it?”

“Think so,” I reply with a slight nod. “Didn’t threaten to kill me or any of that. Do know she was pretty pissed, just not sure about what part.”

“Probably for keeping it a secret,” Willow says and I nod my head a little, agreeing with her on that one. “Buffy, it’s okay. It’s a bit of a shock, but you know I have to admit I was wondering before if there was something going on between you two. It’s kind of hard not to see the way you two look at each other sometimes.”

“How do we look at each other?” Buffy asks and I just smile a little as she looks over at me.

“Like that! With the little smiles and the moon eyes,” Willow replies, laughing as Buffy shakes her head, trying to take her eyes off me. “Buffy, you should’ve just told us.”

“We wanted to be sure,” she says softly and she turns to look at Willow. “We didn’t want to say anything if it didn’t work out and with our recent track record with Faith getting taken and going missing for two and a half months, we just wanted to be sure. And I didn’t want to say anything with what you’re going through right now, but I thought it’s time you knew.”

“Hey, look it make me stop crying for a little while,” Willow says and she forces out a little smile. “And I’m happy for you if you’re happy, Buffy.”

Buffy hugs her tight for a moment before getting up from the bed. “You’ll be okay, Will?”

“I’ll be okay,” she says forcing yet another smile. “I’ll probably just try to get some sleep.”

“We’ll have breakfast in the morning,” Buffy says with a smile. “Just the two of us.”

Buffy walks past me and I follow her to her room. She shuts the door behind me and she groans a little as she wraps her arms around me. I can feel she’s a little tense as I hug her back and I gently rub her back, feeling her relax almost instantly.

“I can’t believe I just did that.”

“I can’t believe it either,” I laugh. “But look on the bright side here, B, she’s okay with it and she didn’t try to turn me into a frog or anything like that. Bonus.”

Buffy laughs and leans in for a soft kiss. She pulls back before I can get into the kiss and she heads for her closet, pulling out a change of clothes. I sit on her bed and lean back on my elbows, just watching her as she strips out of her clothes. It’s taking every bit of willpower I got not to get up and just ravish her right where she stands. I’m starting to rethink this whole date thing tonight. It’s gonna be a form of torture for me when all I want to do is fuck her until she can’t take it anymore.

“Are we still going to see a movie?” Buffy asks as she turns around to face me. She’s still in her panties and bra, the pink lace ones that look sexy as hell on her.

“Uh, if you want to?”

“I was thinking maybe we could just skip the movie and go to dinner instead?”

“Sounds good to me,” I say, all distracted by the way she’s running her fingers over the edge of her panties. “We’ll have to stop on the way and borrow Giles’ car. Was thinking we could head to the beach, have a little walk. Thought it’d be all romantic and shit since tonight is a full moon.”

“I have a better plan,” Buffy says, a coy little smile now dancing over her lips as she walks over to me and straddles my legs. “How about you go borrow Giles car and I’ll put together a little picnic for us and we’ll just go straight to the beach?”

I run my hands over her thighs and smile at her as she pushes me back on the bed. At this rate, I don’t think we’re going anywhere tonight but right here. Just as she’s about to kiss me, she climbs off me and grabs her jeans and slides them on. I lean up on my elbows and raise an eyebrow at her. She’s such a fucking tease sometimes.

****

It’s not too bad out tonight considering its winter in California. Just a slight cool breeze coming off the ocean. Buffy has a blanket spread out on the sand just by the rocks on the beach, having chosen this spot for a bit of seclusion in case anyone else decides to come out here tonight. The picnic she packed for us is pretty basic with some leftover pizza, Chinese food and a couple of sandwiches and a few beers too, which surprised me a little bit when she pulled them out.

After we eat, I just lay back on the blanket and stare up at the night sky, listening to the waves crashing nearby. Buffy is on her side staring at me and I smile as she reaches for one of my hands and intertwines our fingers. She snuggles in close to me and turns to look up at the sky with me. This is kind of nice actually. Relaxing.

We’ve gone out a few times in the last couple of weeks, but it always ended with us either back in her bedroom late at night, or at the motel fucking until the sun rose. Could hardly classify those as dates, unless I’m going about this all wrong here.

I turn to her and she’s already leaning in to kiss me. I pull her so she’s on top of me and I deepen the kiss. I slide my hands under her jacket and her shirt to feel her warm skin against my fingertips. Just like every time I kiss her, it excites me to no end. I can feel her body responding to me, to my touch as I dip my fingers just under the waistband of her tight jeans.

“Faith?” Buffy whispers as she parts from my lips just enough to speak.

“Yeah, B?”

“Everything is going to be different now, isn’t it?”

“You mean ‘cause they all know we’re together now?” I ask and she nods a little, planting a sweet little kiss on my lips before pulling back to look into my eyes. “It’ll be a good kind of different.”

“They don’t all know. Xander and Anya don’t know.”

I laugh. “Gonna bet anything they’ll find out by the morning one way or another here.”

“Oh god,” Buffy groans and she buries her face into my neck.

“You ain’t having doubts here, are you?” I ask her, hoping to hell she’s not. I feel her shake her head no a little bit. “What’s wrong?”

“I still can’t believe I just told her like that.”

I laugh and rub her back. I slide my hands further up her shirt and unclasp her bra. She gasps a little in surprise and lifts her head to look at me. I just wiggle my eyebrows as I move my hands around to her front and feel her nipples harden under my fingers. She lifts herself up a little, giving me a little more room to work with.

I know she’s starting to freak out over telling Willow about us, but I wanna take her mind off all that in any way that I can. I’m considerate that way. That and I’ve never had sex on a beach before.

I feel Buffy shiver as I try to lift her shirt and jacket up a little and I groan as I take my hands out from under her clothes and pull them back down. She frowns before laying her head down on my chest. So, guessing we’re not gonna get all sorts of naked here given it is a bit too chilly for that. Now I’m feeling all sorts of worked up and frustrated as hell. Looks like Spike might end up being right about us going to the motel room yet again.

We lay here for a little while longer before I feel Buffy starting to get a little bit restless. She keeps looking at me too, always looking like she wants to say something, but never does. In my mind, tonight was supposed to have gone so much differently than it has. Buffy is the one who gets up and starts packing up. I light a smoke before I carry the blanket back to the car and toss it in the backseat. Buffy gets in the passenger seat and just sits there watching me as I finish off my cigarette.

“I’m sorry,” she says I get in the car and shut the door behind me.

“What for, B?”

“Tonight,” she whispers.

I lean over and give her a quick little kiss and smile at her. “Don’t be sorry, B. It was a great little date, yeah? Any time that I get to spend alone with you is all I ever want.”

“You’re so sweet,” she smiles and reaches for my hand. “When did you get to be so sweet?”

“Dunno,” I shrug, unable to wipe the smile off my face. “Probably right around the time I realized that you’re totally in love with me too.”

Buffy grabs my head and pulls me in for a deep kiss. There’s not much room to move in the car, but I move until I’m a little closer to her. It feels like forever and a day before we part from our kiss and I know I’m smiling just a big as she is right now. I lean over and give her one last quick little kiss before I slip the key into the ignition and head to her place.

Buffy is being touchy tonight, that’s for sure. Her hand is on my thigh and rubbing it gently, each time she keeps going higher, teasing me. It’s not too late by the time we make it back to her place and I help her take the picnic basket and blanket inside. Dawn and Spike are still in the living room and I’m about to say something to Buffy when she grabs me and pulls me flush against her, her lips instantly finding mine in a heated, passionate kiss.

“Again? I thought you two were going out on a date?” Dawn groans and I pull back from Buffy quickly. Dawn is trying to walk through the kitchen with her hands over her eyes. “Is it safe yet?”

“Dawn,” Buffy says firmly. “It’s late and you have school in the morning. Go to bed.”

“I know! I’m just getting a sandwich and then I’m going to bed, I promise! Spike just left. Is it safe yet?”

I gotta laugh at the way she’s reacting right now. It’s pretty fucking funny, but Buffy isn’t as amused as I am right now. She looks cold and pissed. She pulls Dawn’s hands away from her eyes and I tense up. I don’t know what it is, but she looks like she’s about to slap Dawn. Dawn looks pretty freaked out too and I can’t blame her when Buffy is looking the way she is.

“God, what’s your problem, Buffy?” Dawn asks and she shoves her back. “I told you, I’m just getting a sandwich and then I’m going to bed!”

“B,” I say softly and Buffy turns her attention to me. Her anger slowly subsides as she just stares at me. “Don’t let her bug ya. She’s just being a kid. Look on the bright side,” I say with a small smile as I look over Buffy’s shoulder at Dawn. “At least she’s not trying to kick my ass for macking on her big sis.”

Buffy laughs and she whips her head around to look at Dawn. “Go to bed, Dawn,” she says with a lot less anger in her voice. “Skip the sandwich. Your thighs will thank you later in life.”

I see Dawn roll her eyes and grab an apple instead. She smiles at me as she walks past and I just smile right back at her. As soon as she’s out of the kitchen and halfway up the stairs, Buffy has me pinned against the kitchen island and her lips are on mine. It gets heated fast and before I know it, Buffy’s hands are starting to roam under my clothes. She’s definitely feeling horny tonight and I can’t blame her. I know I am too. Fuck, I need it so much, but I’m not gonna just take what I want.

Stupidly I’ve been letting Buffy take the lead as things get a little more serious between us. But I’m hoping that tonight things will change, even if it’s awkward as hell knowing Dawn and Willow will likely hear us and not just think they’re imaging things--or whatever they’ve been telling themselves all those nights me and Buffy were in her room, fucking until the sun rose.

 


End file.
